"DEAD WRITES" (Revised)
by Eleanor Tylbor
SCENE I
SETTING: A funeral parlor - Early afternoon
AT RISE: A funeral chapel. A group of people chat between themselves while waiting for the service to begin. A coffin is situated on an elevated stand in the middle of the room
FELICIA PEMBROOK, wearing a diaphanous dress, sits on the floor next to a coffin examining her surroundings. Slowly, she examines her body, touching her dress
LIGHTING: Dim lighting, except for a coffin in the middle of the room, which is spot-lit with a white light.
SOUND: somber organ music.
FELICIA
What the hell… Really must'a tied one on last night. Weird though. No hangover like usual… No feelings, period
Staggering to a standing position she walks around the coffin, touching the surface while trying unsuccessfully to peer inside. A somberly dressed male passes by, seemingly without noticing or acknowledging her presence
(cont’d) 'Scuse me…hello'?'
Man continues to ignore her, focusing and fixing the inside of the
coffin
(cont’d) Is this a… for real funeral parlor? Shoot! What’s the matter with me? Duh! This is another of Phil’s dumb jokes. Wait ‘til I get him…
Man continues to ignore her
Don’t bother answering me or anything… Fine – suit yourself. I'll find out on my own!
A man (JOSIAH) enters and stands directly behind FELICIA.
He has white hair, is dressed in a white shirt and matching
white pants that glitter
JOSIAH
Perhaps I could be of assistance in some way?
FELICIA
Ho-ly shit… What do we have here? A human Christmas tree ornament
SOUND: thunderclap
JOSIAH
I beg your pardon?
FELICIA
Do you come with sound effects, too?
JOSIAH
Just a suggestion here and take it for what it’s worth but your colorful language could prove to be problematic
FELICIA
You an agent for the grammar police? Do we know each other?
JOSIAH
Excuse me? Police? You certainly experienced life to the fullest, didn't you?
FELICIA
A little nervous are we, when I mention “po-lice”? Perhaps you’ve dealt with them on occasion?
JOSIAH
In my business we deal with all types and police officers are very common in my milieu
FELICIA
Not surprising. You earn your living dressed like… that?
JOSIAH
Sorry?
FELICIA
I bet you are
(Cont’d.) Wigs? Makeup? That kind’a stuff? Do I have to draw you a picture?
JOSIAH
(puzzled)
I’m not sure of what you’re getting at…
FELICIA
You don’t have to be shy with me. I’m very liberal when it comes to life style choices. Different strokes for different folks I always say
JOSIAH
There is no moral conflict with my calling. Actually, I chose this because white is such a pure color and the glitter sort-of attached itself to me. Don’t quite know why
FELICIA
Your family doesn’t know anything about your life style, do they?
JOSIAH
By family you mean - of course they’re very much aware of my work down here. In fact they rely almost entirely on my input. I’m an important source of information
FELICIA
And they’re okay with it?
JOSIAH
Of course. Why wouldn’t they be? I have to admit I do enjoy my job
FELICIA
You’re not one of those people who – you know - like to get up close and personal with dead bodies.
JOSIAH
If you’re asking me if I mind being present among those that have passed…
FELICIA
Shi
SETTING: A funeral parlor - Early afternoon
AT RISE: A funeral chapel. A group of people chat between themselves while waiting for the service to begin. A coffin is situated on an elevated stand in the middle of the room
FELICIA PEMBROOK, wearing a diaphanous dress, sits on the floor next to a coffin examining her surroundings. Slowly, she examines her body, touching her dress
LIGHTING: Dim lighting, except for a coffin in the middle of the room, which is spot-lit with a white light.
SOUND: somber organ music.
FELICIA
What the hell… Really must'a tied one on last night. Weird though. No hangover like usual… No feelings, period
Staggering to a standing position she walks around the coffin, touching the surface while trying unsuccessfully to peer inside. A somberly dressed male passes by, seemingly without noticing or acknowledging her presence
(cont’d) 'Scuse me…hello'?'
Man continues to ignore her, focusing and fixing the inside of the
coffin
(cont’d) Is this a… for real funeral parlor? Shoot! What’s the matter with me? Duh! This is another of Phil’s dumb jokes. Wait ‘til I get him…
Man continues to ignore her
Don’t bother answering me or anything… Fine – suit yourself. I'll find out on my own!
A man (JOSIAH) enters and stands directly behind FELICIA.
He has white hair, is dressed in a white shirt and matching
white pants that glitter
JOSIAH
Perhaps I could be of assistance in some way?
FELICIA
Ho-ly shit… What do we have here? A human Christmas tree ornament
SOUND: thunderclap
JOSIAH
I beg your pardon?
FELICIA
Do you come with sound effects, too?
JOSIAH
Just a suggestion here and take it for what it’s worth but your colorful language could prove to be problematic
FELICIA
You an agent for the grammar police? Do we know each other?
JOSIAH
Excuse me? Police? You certainly experienced life to the fullest, didn't you?
FELICIA
A little nervous are we, when I mention “po-lice”? Perhaps you’ve dealt with them on occasion?
JOSIAH
In my business we deal with all types and police officers are very common in my milieu
FELICIA
Not surprising. You earn your living dressed like… that?
JOSIAH
Sorry?
FELICIA
I bet you are
(Cont’d.) Wigs? Makeup? That kind’a stuff? Do I have to draw you a picture?
JOSIAH
(puzzled)
I’m not sure of what you’re getting at…
FELICIA
You don’t have to be shy with me. I’m very liberal when it comes to life style choices. Different strokes for different folks I always say
JOSIAH
There is no moral conflict with my calling. Actually, I chose this because white is such a pure color and the glitter sort-of attached itself to me. Don’t quite know why
FELICIA
Your family doesn’t know anything about your life style, do they?
JOSIAH
By family you mean - of course they’re very much aware of my work down here. In fact they rely almost entirely on my input. I’m an important source of information
FELICIA
And they’re okay with it?
JOSIAH
Of course. Why wouldn’t they be? I have to admit I do enjoy my job
FELICIA
You’re not one of those people who – you know - like to get up close and personal with dead bodies.
JOSIAH
If you’re asking me if I mind being present among those that have passed…
FELICIA
Shi
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