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I would love to experience a critique from you! cebr(at)comcast(dot)com

I'm here nice and early today. As always, you rock. Thanks for offering these critiques!
lamuench(at)gmail(dot)com

Oo, Oo pick me! I'd love a critique. Thanks for all you do.
Tanis
Tmallow(at)rogers(dot)com

I'd love to try again for this awesome contest! Mollylee14(at)hotmail(dot)com

I'm in desperate need of a critique! Please enter me! orders.bills(at)gmail(dot)com

Here I am again to be entered :)

elfeustel(at)ymail(dot)com

I would very much like to be entered please! fizzygrrl(at)gmail.(com)

Thank you so much, and what a wonderful opportunity!

I'd love for you to take a look at my query letter. I know my eyes are tired of looking at it!

Consider me entered :)

elfeustel(at)ymail.(com)

Recently did a total rewrite of my query and would love your opinion! Please enter me in the contest. :)

acturcotte(at)comcast(dot)net

I'd love to be entered! mollylee14(at)hotmail(dot)com

I'm here, I'm here! I'm feeling lucky today! Once again, thanks for offering this.
lamuench(at)gmail(d0t)com

I'd love to be entered into this contest! mollylee14(at)hotmail(dot)com

I'd love to enter!! My email is angelhett (at) gmail (dot) come

I would love to enter my email addy is [email protected]

Thanks again for doing this. I'd love to be entered. lamuench(at)gmail(dot)com

I'd love to enter. Thanks! jwhazzard(at)gmail(dot)com.

Your critique was great, thanks so much!

Amen to the 'read submission guidlelines' bit! And to the other stuff as well, but yeah, read instructions, read guidelines. Follow them. Or it won't matter how many possessed space elf-monkeys you have in your story - the world may never read about them (now copyrighting a hastily penned story featuring possessed space elf-monkeys.)

Allie--glad it was helpful! :)

Ruth--it's really hard to go wrong w/ space monkeys. ;)

Aww, thanks for the shout out :) And your advice is spot on!

Tiana--you're so welcome, and thanks again for your help. You rock!

I've already revised ("chopped up") mine since I sent it to you. ROFL
Thank you for helping unlock the Mystery of the Query.
:-)

I see how you would request a partial from this. The author did a great job of creating a good first-sentence hook, then filling in about the story (although it might have been able to be filled in a little more). Still, it's the intrigue and suspense that's going for this author. Sounds like a interesting book!

I was the same as you. A tad confused but very intrigued. I can see why you would ask for a partial.

I just have to say that it is really helpful for us writers to have you post blogs like this!

I just started following your blog and I'm stoked for what I'll learn from you.

Thank you!

I definitely can see why you requested a partial. The story sounds really interesting.

Thank you for doing this series of query critiques. I think one thing that all writers should get out of this is that there is no such thing as a perfect query.

To be honest I was surprised how positively you responded to this. I agree that there are interesting elements, but I found myself completely confused which put me off.

Of course, I'm over the moon agents are forgiving for those like me who struggle with writing queries!

Why your requested a partial:
1.well-written women’s fiction that incorporates a Christian world view
(this tells you what it might be and you like that)
2.Husbands are troublesome creatures, especially when they’re dead.
(that is a great hook)
3. 'troublesome', 'dark presence', 'lost him', 'lose nineteen years', 'risk her own life', 'not that woman', 'dead husband's demons', 'despite all the risks, desperately wants'. (these are all button pressing bits)
The rest is filler. Your buttons were duly pressed. As you well know, the actual writing may be dreadful, but the scene is set.
I advise query writers to think about what buttons they are pressing.

Thanks Rachelle for these query critiques. They are so helpful. In this case I have to admit I found this one very confusing and yet somewhat intriguing. And yes I have to agree with you the line "Husbands are troublesome creatures, even when they are dead" is very captivating.
Thanks once again.

When I read that line, I immediately thought of Bonnie Grove's novel - Talking to the Dead. Love that book!

This post made me realize something. If your story idea is really good the query does not have to be perfect. If, however, your idea sucks it doesn't matter how well written your query is.

Something for me to think about. Now I just have to figure out which category I am in.

Yep, the statement about dead troublesome husbands is enough, and it's very well-placed...at the beginning of the 2nd paragraph. The writing is solid and enthusiastic, there is suspense, drama, and an actual storyline.

And from an agent's POV it seems like this one's background proves she is in it for the long haul...thanks for sharing Rachelle!

Good thing I wasn't the agent for this writer...I would have passed.

I think the plot is a little confusing and it almost seems like there's too much going on, and yet, it's VERY hooky. I loved that troublesome line too and it even makes me think that the story is humorous. I hope it is because it sounds like a really cute romance with a side dish of supernatural stuff. :-)
Congrats to the writer!

Yes, I can see why you'd request a partial. I think this is a strong query that just needed a little more tweaking before submitting. I felt that paragraph one should have actually been paragraph three in the query letter and paragraph four could have been tightened up.

That said, I usually open my query letters the same way with a short informational paragraph stating word count, genre and why I submitted to that agent/editor.

SO...by reading this I will rethink my own query letters.

Thanks for your insights, Rachelle.

Reason # 432 that I'm not an agent: I would have passed too. The bit you love about the troublesome husband, struck me as a nice line as well. But one great line in a query wouldn't do it for me. The rest was really confusing.. white ladders? A picture in a drawer? Yikes...

BUT, it just goes to show that this is a subjective business! Good luck to the author - I hope you get picked up :)

Quick question: is the "passionate love interest" ever NOT rich and powerful in chick lit? Ok, that's all.

My mind must work much like this author's. I could see this story as I read the query. And I think it might even play with an alternate reality, as if the widow might be able to rewrite her husband's ending.

I see why you asked for a partial, and I hope the story is captivating.

The intriguing elements hook me, especially the photograph, and the writing seems good, like the sentence that hooked you grabbed me too.

However, my thought throughout the whole thing was, 'Why'd she bother marrying him in the first place?' The characterization needed a little extra oomph, the dead husband needed something positive to get me, otherwise I'm a little suspect of Anna's judgment.

Not sure if I'd have requested a partial between those two things (that and the somewhat choppiness) but I'm not the agent here. Congrats to the query-writer. :)

I love this query. The husbands line definitely hooked me enough to want to read the book. And I love that it shows a blending of the supernatural with the world we actually do understand, shown by the small business, son, and romance. It looks like it might also be a timeslip? That's what the photograph indicated to me anyway. Looks like it could be a great one.

Rachelle, I have to admit the credentials at the bottom actually did mean something to me. For me it added to the fascinating hook that the writer had also studied how to execute. Not so much for you? Would you mind elaborating on why that wasn't necessary?

This is writer of the query checking in to say thank-you on the comments. My query's still confusing, which is something I need to work on. This is a case where the author thinks she's being intriguing, but everybody else thinks she is confusing (argh). It's hard to write a query for any book, let alone a non-linear story. I feel relieved, now, that Rachelle even asked for it.

To Ken Hannah: I know what you mean about chick lit and the rich, powerful hero who saves the day (as in Bridget Jones and Shopaholic). If I implied that my love interest is like that, then I need to revise, because he definitely is not!

The first line (about husbands) of the second paragraph grabbed my attention. It suggested humor as well as drama. I found the rest of her query wordy, but the premise interested me, and I want to know what she saw in the picture. After stating all the reasons why no woman would want this man, I'd have liked A. Novelist to tell me why Anna found him worth the effort. Otherwise, nice opening and closing.

I find myself wanting to know more about the story right away. I'd love for you to give us a followup after you read the partial!

kfran

I had pretty much the same reaction that many did: great hook, intriguing and confusing mini-hooks. I'd be interested in reading the book if it's laid out clearly and is well edited.

I appreciated the thumbs-up on the first paragraph and am also curious about why the last paragraph wasn't so important to you, Rachelle.

Thanks for doing these critiques. They're very helpful.

I can see why you'd request a partial. It's not my type of story, but there are intriguing elements here.

Anonymous (the Query letter writer): Your willingness to take constructive criticism is inspiring. I hope I learn to take criticism as well as you. :)

Just have to add: I was relieved that Rachelle wasn't necessarily influenced by the 4th paragraph. I haven't officially studied fiction writing under anybody (much less have a degree in it), and I've been a tad worried whether that would effect an agent's opinion of my query letter.

Thanks, Rachelle, for the gracious criticism. Your kindness is a wonderful example of Christianity in action!

That first line in the second paragraph is a great one.

"The dark presence that pursued him" and "the photograph...taken of her at a time and place she's never experienced" hooked me. I love stories with the supernatural just visible around corners (rather than the in-your-face supernatural that seems to be the norm now) and I'd be looking for that in her story.

I did think the query was confusing, though. I would have to look up "crypto zoology!" But maybe that's my problem.

I would have requested this one as well. The query to me seems very well polished. I like the idea there is a potential romance between her and her 'somewhat' dead husband. Is she bringing him back to life? How? Sounds outside of my usual genre's, but I want to see how she pulls it off with a Christian world view.

The first thing I thought after reading this query was "when do I get to read it"--and that is saying a lot because it is not the type of book I am normally interested in. I felt that the author gave just enough information - it got me interested without making the ending predictable or boring me. It's not perfect, but nobody is. I am certainly interested, which means the query did its job.

I also agree with lauradroege--it was a relief to see that you respected this author's query with or without the experience listed at the end.

Great post, and thank you so much for giving us such valuable information.

I agree with everyone that the query is somewhat confusing. However, unlike some queries I've read that are confusing because the authors don't know language as well as they think they do, this one's confusing parts seem to come from the (enormous!) difficulty of writing about one's own novel.

What I think is working: strong narrative voice that isn't trying too hard to be clever/intriguing. Oh, and possible time travel/AU in a Christian novel?! I'm so in. :)

Question, if I may: is it acceptable etiquette to re-query an agent that has sent you a form rejection, if you have rewritten your query from scratch? Or is a form rejection the final word?

I WANT TO READ THIS BOOK!!!!!

I liked the query critique here, very helpful, pointed out both the strengths and the flaws of the piece.

It's also nice there is a happy ending. :)

I agree that the hook is really great - it intrigued me, told me I was most likely in capable hands as a reader, and suggested there might be some humor to this book - something that always interests me.

I did have a momentary question - she doesn't seem sad that her husband is dead - did she love him?

Just a question, and probably completely covered in the book, but I thought I'd mention it.

Good luck, anon and Rachelle - I hope it's a good fit. Either way, best of luck to you, Anon. Sounds like you've got quite a book there! :)

Actually, I'd like to read this book. If you do sell it, I want to feature it on my blog, so we can introduce it to other readers.

Thank you for sharing the query and your reasons for requesting a partial. I'm very nosy and enjoy this peek into the why-it-works, why-it-doesn't letter.

Interesting idea, so I can see what draws you, but you're right. I'm a little confused about some of what she says, and I'm wondering exactly where it's all going. I don't know if I'd want to see it or not.

It looks to me like she went out of her way to be mysterious and slightly confusing in an attempt to intrigue you. I wonder if thats what she was actually doing.

But I can completely understand the desire for a partial. I also think most people have problems writing a query letter and then panic adding much more context then needed. Thank you for showing us and explaining the query process thats really generous and awesome!

I thought you were going to bash the query to begin with and I thought to myself, this sounds pretty interesting. Then I read your comments. That's what we should strive for, a query that creates interest to read the book. Thanks for the breakdown. Whether we query you or some other agent, this is something we're going to have to conquer.

I found this story very intriguing. What really captured me though was how the heroine "desperately wanted" what was in the photo. To me that shows the life she's supposedly happy with isn't all that it's supposed to be. And now I need to know why!

Hmm. I'm sorry, author, I would have passed. If a query is supposed to demonstrate skill at writing and creating a cohesive whole, this one would leave me worrying about the ms itself. I was surprised by P4 precisely because I found the writing and story line a bit rocky.

But as every rejection letter out there says in one form or another, this is all so subjective. Congrats on the partial request!

"Husbands are troublesome creatures, especially when they’re dead."

This is a brilliant hook for women's fiction, as it is sooo "Jane Austen-esque".

I believe that is why the target audience is so sub-consciously influenced by this line.

However, as a man I am intrigued by the darker elements hinted at and the possible development of time travel themes...I too would probably give this book a try.

The strongest draw for me was the photograph of herself in a place/time she did not remember--not just a dream or hazy memory but a physical object. Great idea! Sometimes agents don't necessarily want to lose the fun of reading the surprises in a novel by giveaways in the query; so why not leave them a few mysteries to discover in the manuscript?

Thank you author and agent.

Learning many things here.

One question: how does one graduate magna and summa?

This will be intriguing to see how you wrap all this up into a Christian worldview.

Nice job!

oops
sorry if this posted twice.

I'm intrigued but not entirely sure how it all goes together. I'm wondering how much of it is backstory and how much of its plot.

KC Frantzen: Magna for departmental honors, Summa for university honors

Nic: None of it is back story. As others have suggested, there is a time travel thing going on.

Thanks for all the comments,
Anon Author

I happen to be a fish that wants to fly. Thank you for inviting us into the writer's query and your thoughts. I see how this query speaks to the underlying issues of the story. I also see how every word counts, and transitioning from sentence to sentence matters. Thanks for the post!

"If only she’d left the photograph in her desk—the one taken of her at a time and place she’s never experienced—the decision might have been easier. Because, despite all the risks, she desperately wants what’s in that image."

For me the "hook" is the paragraph above. I'm familiar enough with fantasy to see how it fits in with the white ladder, dragons, etc. (And, of course, hints at possible time-travel elements). As presented, it summarizes and emphasizes the tension of the mysterious elements strongly, and really makes you want to see how everything fits together.

-Steve

I see. The query letter simply shows if the author can write.

I love reading your thoughts, Rachelle, because they put words to the uneasiness in my gut when I read something that isn't working - in someone else's writing, or my own. Very helpful for both parties I'm sure.

Thanks for the insight!

First, an entire salt shaker: I've written only a few queries and none of them have ultimately amounted to anything. So my opinion is really that of a reader, not an author. Also, I spend way too much time on Query Shark and tend to be a bit bitey.

This query doesn't give me a sense of the pivotal events of the novel. Not knowing what the favor is, I can't say if I'm curious about it or about the girls' reactions to it. It leaves me feeling very vague.

This line jumps out at me as an interest-killer: "She might be doing a very big mistake." I realize (I think) that this entire paragraph is written in Ari's voice, but that sort of incorrect English seems an unwise choice for a query. In these letters, we have less than a page to impress a prospective agent with our grip of the language. I don't think I'd deliberately undermine the attempt.

I'm not sure about the narrators, either. Not in voice (I respectfully disagree with Ms. Gardner on that point), but in perspective. Switching between first- and third-person seems a little odd. If it works for the narrative (and I wouldn't know until I read the manuscript), then it works, but I don't think I'd discuss that in the query letter. Let it come out in the writing, especially since the query should be more about the story.

I would definitely chuck the whole first paragraph. It's backstory, not the central plot, or so it seems. I'd focus on the moral choice surrounding whatever it is Stephanie is being asked to do. Only bring up the backstory afterward if it has some important bearing on what Stephanie might or might not do.

I applaud your bravery in writing a POV character with Down's. That must have been quite a challenge. I wonder how it came out, but if I were an agent, that would be my only motivation in requesting a sample at this point.

My thought is you are one dedicated lady to give writers such a fair chance. My interest waned before I made it through paragraph one. I read paragraph two because this is Rachelle Gardner's blog, so something will be interesting.

I didn't find it in the query. You're quite the trooper! Thank you for giving us a full page (or more) to catch your interest.

rachelle - your insights are fascinating.

as a reader, i wasn't pulled into the plot, as it was suggested in the query. i'm not usually compelled by cult stories, but i do like the addition of the sister.
but i agree with rachelle that in this format the favor comes off as cruel.

It didn't seem like a cult idea to me, but now that you mention it, I can see that it is a cult.

I have to say the POV switch from Stephanie to Ari, it threw me off because I didn't understand what was happening. I didn't understand to get the feel that it was a cult because of this paragraph POV switch. It doesn't explain what the secret it is, it doesn't explain why Ari must keep this secret. Also, the teenage pregnancy? Maybe for a synopsis, but for a query, it doesn't seem relevant.

Now, the first paragraph. The first paragraph didn't interest me at all. In fact, with the mention about the guy and "dropping by", it just made me think of a random sexual encounter and that she ended up in some weird orgy called The Force (o_O)

Yeah, I don't know what I was thinking.

My take on this, as a reader and occasional reviewer:

The point-of-view switches don't bother me. Neither do the two unreliable narrators. But the vagueness bothers me--I get the feeling that the person querying is trying to intrigue the agent by not telling too much. If I were an agent, that wouldn't work for me.

The first sentence didn't attract my attention. I know that she's probably depressed, ill or both, but--having been that depressed--I know that it's not fun to be in that position, let alone to read about someone enduring so many crises that she's flattened for three days. Also, I don't know Stephanie yet, so I'm not invested in her problems and how she reacts to them. I haven't written the book off yet, but I would expect it to get off to a rather slow start.

My first thought on reading the second sentence was "What's the One Force House?" Because of the Force reference, I wondered briefly if it was a rather nerdy frat house.

The mention of the study session that changes Stephanie's life tells me this is probably a cult that uses positive thinking to draw people. I don't know, though, why this should change Stephanie's life, or why she couldn't figure out this was a cult and just leave. I'm not really enthused with this protagonist; she seems far more reactive than active.

By the next paragraph, I'm still lost. I don't know what Colby understands about her, and I still don't know why she's listening to a cult leader. The next sentence, too, would mean more if I knew what she was being trained to do, what Colby's teachings ARE, and what Stephanie formerly valued.

It’s exhilarating to liberate
herself from her own selfishness.

How is she liberating herself from selfishness? Is she giving all of her money to the cult? Donating her possessions to the poor? Burning the things she loves best? I need some specifics so that Stephanie and her problems will be more real to me.

And then we get into the section about Ari, in which it is emphasized over and over that Ari has to do Stephanie a favor and keep it secret. But we're never told what that secret is. And the last line in the summary...well, it might be powerful if Stephanie had to make a choice between a strong relationship with her sister and the attraction and approval of the cult. But we've already seen that Ari is sure that if she tells on Stephanie, Stephanie won't talk to her, huge her or acknowledge her in public. It doesn't sound like the kind of relationship that could make or break cult membership; it sounds like Stephanie doesn't like her sister much and is just exploiting her sister's trust and need for love to get her to keep this secret.

Ultimately, the Query felt cliche and buzz-wordy to me. That's all I can say because Rachelle wrapped it up so nicely.

Now if I could just apply this to MY query. It is easy to see what is not there in a query from someone else.

But in my own I know the story and read between my own lines.

Thanks Rachelle for another good lesson.

Ugh, I don't know why, but my comments don't post the first time. I always have to rewrite them...

Anyway...

Rachelle, I love how you tell why a query doesn't work. That's so helpful. When I read the character's age, I assumed this was a YA novel, but then the author said it was literary fiction. The author needs to tighten her word choices, using stronger nouns and verbs to paint a vivid plot.

So sorry for all the deleted comments. My comment wouldn't post, and then it posted MANY times...sigh. My apologies.

There isn't a whole lot to add to all this great advice but I will say some major grammar errors that struck me were these:

"She might be doing a very big mistake." You don't do a mistake you make one.

"that she said don’t come up to her in the halls" I think this should read when she said...

I realize that this is most likely an attempt to write in the voice of the character with the developmental disability, but it doesn't work because the shift is so abrupt within the paragraph. Put it in italics, or quotes, or a separate paragraph. Or better yet, leave it out.

I actually like the idea of the unreliable narrator and her untrustworthy sister. It sounds like a cool premise, but we have to care about the plot and this query does not lay it out in a way that makes me, as a reader, have to read more.

I agree with your conclusions. At the end, I kept thinking, "Okay, but what happens??" I was also confused by the One Force... at first in the query I thought it was a Bible study or something (One Force = God?) But the more I read the more I got the cult feeling.

Great critique, Rachelle! Thanks for sharing!

My expectations got me on this one. My impressions went something like this: Bored college student, visits One Force House a recruiting center for young people who will battle evil across the galaxy. But wait, this guy is talking about “a ‘little rest’”. That could still be what I thought, since it is in quotes, but this could also be a novel about rape. Then there’s this study session and I’m thinking that Dr. Colby is the good guy and this is just a story about how Stephanie went from being a bored college student to being a committed Christian.

Looking at it now, I realize that paragraph three does indicate a cult-like setting, but by that time I had been lulled to sleep. By the time I reach the last paragraph, I’m thinking that One Force is probably the name of some campus ministry the author is trying to sing the praises of and this is nothing but an agenda based story.

Even as I look back as this, I don’t see much change here. We start out with her bored in her room and we end with her a member of a cult. For us to see transformation, I would like to see Stephanie either begin as a party animal and end up in the cult or begin as a bored student and end up being the leader of a group that opposes the cult. Or having her go fight evil in the galaxy would be good too.

I was drawn in by the title Halfway to Anywhere.
I love titles.
I followed the voice of the writer into the second paragraph, then I became lost.

What wonderful feedback. I hope with some changes it all comes together for the writer. I would be curious enough to know what happens to the main character and her sister.

Rachelle on another note, if you don't mind me asking, I emailed my own query for critique from the webinar, but have not received an automated reply saying the query arrived to you.
I emailed it using two separate addresses.
I am new to all of this, is there something else I should do?

Thank you!

The name "Stephanie Miller" threw me...I knew I'd heard of her. Turns out, Stephanie Miller is a fairly well-known radio personality.

I too think there could be a good story in here. I find the components of the cult/disabled sister interesting, but both must be handled VERY carefully in order to work, in my honest, amateur opinion (note the amateur part).

Best wishes for this story and your writing!

I love stories with two unreliable witnesses! And I find it compelling that Ari is the older sister. I can see loads of potential for the sisters' relationship, because of the birth order not being what the reader would automatically expect.

Of course, I'm already rooting for Ari to be her sister's heroine, saving her from a fate worse than cult, but the query itself did not lead me to believe such a development would take place.

Rachelle, am I correct that it's fine to have the POV of more than one character represented in the query (as long as it's done smoothly), or should that type of treatment be saved for the synopsis?

Hi Everyone,
I'm the author of the query! First, Rachelle, THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU! I'm going to be reading your critique over and over, because there's so much truth in it, and I can already tell it's going to take me a while to absorb it and then use it all effectively (but I will!) Thank you also to all the other commentors - I look forward to reading what you have to say and will definitely listen and then make use of it.

It is amazing to me how HARD it is to write a good query (at least for me).

This feedback is helping me tremendously and I hope it helps everyone else too.

Yours in gratitude,

Struggling query writer

The author didn't say what Steffi wants from Ari. Should she have? How much of the novel's surprises/twists should you reveal in a query?

Thanks!

Me again - the author of the query. I have now read all the comments (to this point) and again want to thank you - each of the comments has been instructive and honest, which is exactly what I crave. Thank you.

I am going to let everything sink in (and read the crit and comments about a bazillion more times), then rework. This has given me a lot to think about. One thing I realized after reading the feedback is that I started the query in entirely the wrong place - the cult stuff actually happens towards the end of the novel! Sigh. A lot of other stuff happens first, but I think I got so in my head that I didn't see how weird it would be to skip that other stuff. It is almost as though I assumed that since I know the story inside and out, everyone else already does too - sort of like when a 3 year old says, "Mom, I had a dream last night, did you see it?"

I'm someone who likes mystery and keeping the reader guessing, but this critique was a great example of why it is important to NOT keep the reader guessing in your query. I'm so used to writing ad copy that I know I'll have to fight my own instincts on this one.

I agree with commenter above that more needs to be explained. I wasn't sure what ONE FORCE was--at first I thought it was something military. Also, unless I didn't read it carefully, I'm not sure what favor she asks of her sister. I think you need to highlight what is good, admirable, strong about the MC. Right now I'm not sure she'd be sympathetic enough to garner interest. I'm also not sure I'd be that sympathetic to a character sucked into a cult because it suggests she's passive. But if she had a more compelling reason to get involved it might work (something really awful that happened to her--maybe more needs to be explained about teenage pregnancy and how that affected her).

Good comments here, but didn't see this, and wondering if the author should consider it--I had trouble with the name "One Force." Kept thinking "Air Force One," and so it kept me away from thinking fresh thoughts about your characters and the story at hand. It's not a bad name for a cult, necessarily, but why risk alienating or confusing a reader with that? Then again, it could be just me.

It's great to see that the author weighed in here in the comments section. She has a wonderful attitude and reminds me of the contestants on American Idol about whom the judges say, "We've taken you down the last few weeks, but this week you came out here and blew us away. You didn't give up, but took in what we were saying and changed what you were doing. Good for you!"

Congrats to the author for submitting her query, and thanks for allowing Rachelle and her readers to learn from her experience.

I respectfully disagree with those who think this query letter should explain things more. I think it's often best to keep it as simple as possible. Try hooking the agent with a small paragraph ... three or four powerful sentences that sum up your book; Very hard to do, but often very effective! But of course, different ideas may work better for you! It sounds like an interesting project!

Anonymous Query writer,

I so get the analogy of the three year old saying, "Mom I had a dream last night, did you see it?" :)

Best wishes to you, I have a feeling you have great things in store for you!

Two things jumped out at me.

1. There is nothing unusual about a depressed college girl (everyone has a bad day or bad week). What's unusual about the protag? She joins a cult.

2. One Force sound military to me. I realized it was a cult but the name distracts me. The query reader shouldn't have to figure out it's a cult, it should be obvious. Someone telling the protag to go to One Force to relax doesn't make sense - is it a place or a group? Still sounded military to me. I think it needs much more of an explanation, even in a phrase or sentence.

My interest was flagging until we got to Ari. The POV switch wasn't so hard for me as I have a developmentally disabled child, and the bit about not coming up to Steffi in the halls and not hugging etc. was right on target - in fact that one sentence made me want to read your MS.

I feel as if there's gold somewhere in this story, anonymous writer, but you may need to get your MS in front of some more people (critique group, beta readers) and do some more work before you query again.

Rachelle, I haven't done enough research on this question so forgive me if you've written about it exhaustively, but I'm having trouble with defining "women's fiction". Any pointers?

Highlighting conflict and making the reader care about the outcome, sounds like sage advice. I'll apply it my query as well. Thanks for the great post.

I am in the process of writing a query letter and the part I found interesting about the letter was the last paragraph.

Do agents want to have blog links and website addresses on a query? Is that helpful?

One more comment from me (the author of the query) and then I promise I'll stop, as I don't want to take over the comment section! Just wanted to say that I've been reading and thinking about Rachelle's critique and everyone's comments all day, and have realized that I completely shortchanged Ari in the query! The book is half about her and HER story, after all - and I just....shirked it. Very, very strange. I also had a revelation that I have to share. And then I'll stop. I think query writing could be a personal growth exercise in that it forces you to try to see things from others' perspectives, and drop your OWN perspective (which as writers of the work we query, we are SO wedded to). It amazes me how caught up in my own perspective I've been, and it really took all of these comments to start to shake free of it.

The last time you posted a query critique, Rachelle, I gave you such a hard time. I still wish I'd been more tactful - I forget to be tactful and just get like a bulldozer when I'm debating - I'm so sorry for that. It's a very bad habit of mine, and it needs to change.

So, this time I really want to acknowledge how much time and effort you put into this critique. For free. That's very generous, since it benefits not just the author but everyone writing queries. Thank you!

And clearly, this is incredibly helpful to the author! Definitely can't argue with that. :)

In terms of the book, I found the story intriguing, but I agree with the feedback that the story arc isn't clear from the query. Alittle more clarity would really help.

Good luck with your book, author! :)

Great advice. I am reminded that I need to remove the irrelevent. It cleans it up so nicely.

There could be a great story here but like me, we think everyone is in our head and can follow.

Often when I read over my edits a month later, I often say to myself, "what was I thinking?"

My 2 cents:

Get rid of the first paragraph, or at least rework it. My interest waned after the first couple of sentences, b/c there was no tension yet.

Maybe give us a better idea of what One Force is supposed to be, b/c right now, I don't buy the whole, "My life sucks right now, and I need a break from my college dorm room, so I'm going to stay some place where I can take a litte break from it all." If Stephanie really goes to this place she knows nothing about on the words of some guy she'd just met, well ... that doesn't sit right with me.

I really felt like I needed to know what the favor was. If it's some pivotal point in the book that you can't disclose, then I get leaving it out, but I need something to make it interesting in the query.

The POV change was very abrupt, and I had to stop and reread the third paragraph a couple of times before I got it. I'm not sure an agent will take that time.

This sounds more like women's fiction than literary, but I could be wrong.

I'd leave off the part about the first person/third person. You may have pulled it off well, but this kind of stuff typically requires skill. And since this is your first novel, you may scare away some agents with this.

(As a side note: If Ari's POV is first person, then maybe the query should focus more on her? An older sister with Down Syndrome, potentially being taken advantage of by her younger sister, who's in a cult, sounds more clear than what you have in your query, and pretty interesting to me.)

I've read on many agents blogs and websites that you don't need to include "____ is my first novel." It doesn't help the query any. In fact, it weakens your credentials somewhat.

Okay. So maybe that was my 15 cents. Hopefully it helps, and best of luck!

I agree from the beginning I am a bit confused.

The cult arc sounds like it could be interesting though. Keep working at it!

I can't add much in the way of critique of this query letter. Everyone else has taken care of it nicely!

Anonymous Writer, I am impressed with your ability to handle constructive criticism with such a positive attitude. I wish I was like you in that way! :)

I just have to share something.

I can't remember how long ago someone recommended I real "Save The Cat!"

I have an addiction to books. If I am interested in a subject I have to own all the books I can find on the subject. But another book on story structure? I own over 300 books to help me on different parts of the writing craft. In fact I have to keep a list to keep from buying those I already own. And anyway this is really about screenwriting?

Recently on one of my loops this book came up again. I ordered it from Amazon and it is blowing my socks off.

It will be so helpful before I even begin to write my next manuscript.

You work on the sentences that will help agent and editor sell the book before writing one sentence of the actual story. And it keeps you on tack when writing the story.

Now to see if I can convert it to real life as a writer.

"blush" Someone recommended that I READ the book. Sheesh.

I'm super impressed by today's query writer, and her attitude of wanting to learn from all this critique. It can be hard to take (I realize) and I really appreciate the positive spirit and willingness to rework based on feedback.

And thanks everyone for contributing your thoughts respectfully.

I agree with your assessment. There isn't enough here to give me a feel of what's at stake or who the good guys are. Maybe it's the query letter. I'm not so hot at those myself.

My first impression was that the "Study Session" was a college study group led by a professor, Dr. Colby. Because of that bad assumption, I was lost for paragraph 2.

When I got my bearings, it switched to Ari, and I was lost again.

My overall opinion is this query is three times longer than it should be.

I say that with love and respect; query writing is toughest thing I've ever done (with possible exception of child birth)

As always, very instructive to read the Agent's thought process and analysis.
More please -- many more!

How brave this query writer is! And what an excellent attitude. Thank you for allowing your query to be posted and disected in public. I've always appreciated constructive criticism far more than praise. Indeed, it is much more valuable to the writing. No need for me to add any more; I think everyone else has donated quite a fortune.

This is wildly helpful. Thank you so much.

shuygjgd

I agree entirely with your comments, Rachelle. As a ghostwriter, I have a constant battle with clients who wish to philosophize adding material that doesn't advance the story, rather than get to the action ... to tell all manner of things, rather than show the reader what's happening. The letter of approach suffers similarly too, but on a smaller scale.

I will be copying your comments to any clients who have this problem. Thanks.

Sharon,

Save the Cat has become something of my writing Bible. The other two cat books are as good, in my opinion, but they are worth getting too.

"After three days of lying in bed with her life crumbling around her"

This sentence is where I was lost, and if the book starts out the same way, then it isn't one I'd want to read - I'm thrown into the negative space of the character's life without having been through the cause with her. It seems like the story should start a bit earlier to give the reader an idea of the stakes. And while the Down Syndrome character may have been written well (not just a type) in the story, that isn't coming across well in the query. The query makes her sound like a "character," not a person. Perhaps as an exercise, you could try writing that paragraph from her point of view and then incorporate the important parts back into your own voice and working from there. Good luck!

Pretty much the same. It was no frills, straight to the point and into the story. It was a little awkward and confusing, as you point out. And even though I have been a student of the Light many years, I found myself re-reading a few of those sentences. I kept stumbling on them.They blocked the flow of the query.

When will this be in stores? I want to read it! :)

Sounds like a pretty amazing story. The only problem I had with the query was the punctuation. I kept having to reread sentences because they didn't flow properly. But all in all I quite liked it. And I didn't really mind that I didn't know what he/she was referring to with 'dangerous primordal artifact', it actually made me want to read the ms and find out!

I found the query letter to be awkwardly worded and confusing. If the query is a sample of the writing, I would think that the book may have the same issue. But, here's the thing, I really thought the story was a great idea and it would be something that I'd pick up in a bookstore; therefore, I would've requested pages too if I were an agent. I think it goes to show that the query doesn't have to be perfect, but it has to be good enough to get the book in the door. The book will sell itself.

I actually want to read this, it sounds interesting. I stumbled through the query but wouldn't mind reading it.

Nice! Congrats to author!!

I could see myself reading something like this, so I think the story has potential. But the query is a little rough. I felt the first sentence could have been worded better. It mentions the hidden talent and then mentions she knows little about it before finally going back and saying what it is. I would rather it read, “Moira, a nurse practitioner, knows little of her hidden talent of sending healing energy called Light into others to augment healing.”

The second sentence messed with me because it isn’t clear whether we’re talking about the talent that was just mentioned or another gift. I hope it isn’t another gift. That would be bad form.

In the second paragraph, it talks about a plot to enslave the entire east coast. Why the east coast? Is there some boundary that keeps them there? Why not the whole country or the world? Hitler had plans to rule the world and all he had going for him was a eloquent tongue, a bunch of intelligent engineers and an army. This appears to be a Monster in the House story, so I would like to see the walls of the house more clearly defined.

But like I said, I could see myself reading this.

Iris Johanson is my favorite author. This query reminds me a bit of her writing. So yes, when will this be in the stores?

Agreed: good query, minor flaws aside. I like the notion of starting directly in with the story, kind of like a press release, and including the book's specs (title, genre, word count) at the end. Standard query advice usually says put those things up front, but this is better!

Though this is not something I'd read, the plot is clear and the writing strong in this query (I'm just not a paranormal fan). I had the same two quibbles that Mr. Fish had--I was unclear on whether the "gift" mentioned was her light-giving ability or something more, so I was confused on the order of events (did she already have this ability, then gain more from the patient, or was the patient's death the beginning?). But that will be easy as pie to clarify. And the east coast thing raised more bad questions than good ones--why the east coast? Did their evil lack the ability to cross either oceans or mountains to move east or west? (Kidding, of course, but I had this image of a shrinking evil batwing creature shouting "Drats! Thwarted by the mountains again! Will limit tyranny to east coast only...") I'm sure it's explained beautifully in the book, but for the query, maybe saying something more generic, like "entire cities," would actually work better than specifics.

My only other nitpick--I find it reads cornier than it ought to when words like "destiny" and "her path" are used, just because these are common fallbacks. Try for more unique wording that isn't quite as overused.

Other than that, really readable and engaging! Perfectly sized paragraphs, too, in my opinion--no hunks of text and no snippets, either. Best wishes with this!!

My feelings were pretty much the same as echoed above: liked the idea, thought the wording was a little awkward. I read my writing out loud to find trouble spots, especially something as short as a query letter. Try to read the sentences out loud, and you will immediately see the chunkiness of the sentences we mentioned. Other than that, it’s great! Short, sweet, and to the point!

Rachelle, would you be so kind as to elaborate further on what exactly about a book idea intrigues you? I know that it’s going to be different for every agent, since everyone has their preferences, but I am curious what exactly about this idea made you request a partial, since this query is still fresh in everyone’s heads.

Good job!

I don't read much fantasy, sci-fi, or paranormal but I definitely found the Takers plot intriguing, plus the romance. :-)
For the query itself, I think the plot points/set up in the query could be smoother and more focused. I felt like there might be too many details...yet those details set up questions that made me want to read the story, :-), so it's definitely an effective query.
Nice job!

I get that good feeling about this book reading the query. It's definitely a story that would catch my interest. I know authors have a lot riding on their initial push to get a partial or a full. I think this author did an awesome job and judging from the other comments many agree. I can't wait to see this in the store. Love that title too Dealers of Light makes me think of people buying and selling life. Can't wait to find out more about this author.. Yummy stuff and no I'm not a paranormal reader but as a history buff this is appealing.
Nan

First, kudos to the writer for intriguing us with an interesting storyline!

I'd have to agree with most posters here that the query's a little clunky. I thought the second sentence should have come first because I had to stop and reread the first one to understand the order in which the events occurred.

Good writing never causes the reader to get disconnected from the story. So I agree that punctuation and flow are important.

I appreciate these query critiques, Rachelle. Thanks!

The premise sounds interesting. If I were an agent I would have eagerly read the first five pages and hoped for stellar writing. Congrats to the author.

This reads like a query that the author spent a long time polishing the first paragraph, then was more lax with the others. Like most comments here, I found the ensuing paragraphs less concise and clear. So I guess the point is that we need to work on all the paragraphs as if they were the opening one.

This story sounds intriguing! I'm surprised though, I thought you didn't care for speculative, Rachelle?

I'd want to read it. It intrigued me.

In chemistry, a catalyst promotes a reaction.

Instead of "using the catalyst of a dangerous, primordial artifact," it would be more consistent with standard usage to say, "using a dangerous, primordial artifact as a catalyst."

Oh, cool. Thanks so much, Rachelle, for showing us a successful query. That's really helpful - to see what works.

Best of luck to the writer - I hope it works out well for you!

I was surprised when I got to the end and realized it was a paranormal romance. If it were me, I'd emphasize the romance more in the description. But clearly it didn't stop Rachelle from being intrigued, so kudos to the writer!

I like it! I read paranormal all the time. My only concern is her name. "Moria" is middle earth in The Lord of The Rings so it's an awkward name for me. I would much rather see a name like Maria or Mary.

Otherwise – can’t wait to read it.

Brandi

Other than what's been pointed out, I liked it (and I don't read paranormal, but would possibly consider reading this!)

Thanks for another good query critique! Got me thinking about how to improve the one I submitted...

Like the others pointed out, it needs a little finesse but it sounds like one that I would take to the check out! I would read it just based on this. Good job.

Surely what really matters is, "Will enough people want to buy this?"
Which depends on, "Is this an interesting and original story line?"
Yes perfect punctuation (for which read, the way CMS does it) is nice, but that's fixable.
Dull and unoriginal stories are not fixable.

How about posting the sample?

:D This is a book I would want to read.

I actually really, really liked the part about the ancient artifact.

To me, that line tells me that the story is linked to different time periods than just the one in which the main story takes place. It tells me that the scope of the story is big, and yet the query was focused enough on Moira to let me know the story isn't overbearingly steeped in its own history.

I'm a sucker for any story that has one or more of the following three things:
1. Journals or mysterious books
2. Ancient Artifacts
3. Biological warfare

:D I'm sure I'm alone in this, but after reading this query, I wanted to say "And it has an artifact in it! Sweet!"

I have a question about paranormal romances...This query says it's a paranormal romance, but it's different than the typical ones with vampires, werewolves, fallen angels, etc. Are editors shying away from the 'typical' paranormal romance? It just seems like there have been so many. I know it's a popular genre now, but is it starting to fade out in the acquiring stage?

Rachelle, so very helpful to see your query critiques. Thank you for this series--

Brandi,
the MC's name is Moira vs. Moria, so no Middle Earth toes stepped on quite yet--

best!
Jana

Hey! I think this writer is in my writing class! Way to go, girl! Lasso them words! (Hahaha. Inside joke.)

Okay, wait. If that is not actually her query, then somebody else wrote her book. With, I might add, a very similar writing style.

I think everybody else has covered the main points of what I wanted to say. It's not my typical genre, so I can't say I would read it. But congrats to "A. Writer" for getting Rachelle to request a partial. :)

One question. I noticed the author didn't say anything about previous publications (stories, etc.) or platform (ie, a blog that reaches bunches of people, etc.). Does including this info in the query make any difference in whether agents request a partial or not?

Obviously, platform and marketing ideas will come into play at some point, but I wondered if some info on this might be good to include in the last paragraph.

I found this query to be fraught with signals that say the author does not know how to WRITE, nevermind write a query, which is a piece of marketing copy, not fiction. I'm glad the MS shows solid craftsmanship.

The query is written from an ineffectual point of view, so all the phrasing comes out "weak."

What does it mean "weak?"

It means "passive" and that means grammatically passive voice.

Also, every sentence is STATIC, describing a situation but not how the situation changes. Moira "must do," or Moira "is forced to" -- which is what makes it sound and feel "weak."

Here's how I would rewrite this query -- which might mean rewriting the novel. I'll just make up bits to fill in what's missing.
-----------

Moira hides her most treasured talent even from herself, the talent to Heal. She dares to become only a nurse practitioner, not a doctor.

Her ability to send healing energy she calls “Light” into others manifests when a tortured patient dies in her arms, sucked dry of "Light" by mysterious sadists called Takers.

When another patient is targeted, Moira plunges into the underworld of The Takers to save him.

But The Takers are using an ancient talisman to increase their numbers so they can enslave the east coast. Her patient becomes a Taker and turns on her siphoning her Light away.

A mysterious, but alluring, stranger with ancient knowledge of Light snatches her from certain death.

And this stranger is an Immortal.

Despite her growing attraction to him, Moira decides to join his campaign against the Takers.

She follows her heart into a deepening relationship with him and finds the courage to pit her gift of Light against the Takers.

DEALERS OF LIGHT is my paranormal romance of 92,000 words. I am seeking representation for this novel. I appreciate your time and kind consideration of this work.

Sincerely,
A. Writer
--------

If it were my novel series, she'd be graduating Medical School at the opening of the next novel.

Now, would anyone care to show me what I've done wrong with this query rewrite?

Jacqueline Lichtenberg
http://jacquelinelichtenberg.com

Jacqueline,

Since you asked, maybe I won’t get a nasty-gram from Rachelle for responding. While you’re correct that passive phrasing can make it sound weak, sometimes we want it to be weak. To say that Moira is forced to do something implies a weakness on her part, thus creating something for her to overcome. Without some weakness, there isn’t much point in telling the story.

The second sentence of your version seems condescending. Most literary agents are intelligent enough to understand any symbolism that might appear in a manuscript. Besides, there are many reasons why a person might become a nurse practitioner, other than a conscious desire to hide a special healing ability.

I think part of what made the original query interesting is that Moira doesn’t fully understand this power she has or what it will get her into. In your version, Moira looks more like a superhero. Making Moira so powerful at the beginning make the mentor character unnecessary. I see the plot described in the original query as being very similar to the one in Robin McKinley’s The Blue Sword, though obviously in a different environment. The protagonist must learn who she is with the help of a mentor, but in the end if must be her and none else who defeats the Takers. In your version, Moira and the mentor seem to be equals. I just don’t see that working well.

Timothy Fish:

Excellent analysis. That was precisely my point.

A well styled query projects the genre market the work should sell to.

Jacqueline Lichtenberg
http://jacquelinelichtenberg.com

Looks like an interesting story! Although I was surprised that you requested a partial because I would have categorized it as sci fi/fantasy.

Jacqueline Lichtenberg said...

I found this query to be fraught with signals that say the author does not know how to WRITE, nevermind write a query, which is a piece of marketing copy, not fiction.
Now, would anyone care to show me what I've done wrong with this query rewrite?

****

Well, for one thing, you've managed to completely lose the lovely and contemplative tone that the author captured.

For another, your re-write and comments come across as screamingly arrogant, and I don't find that attractive.

I would read the manuscript based on the author's original query. I would not read it based on this so-called "re-write."

Kudos to this author for getting a request for pages. I'm not at all surprised, and I imagine a number of agents beside Rachelle would also make requests.

L.C. Blackwell

Lucy:

Perfect analysis. Thank you.

Jacqueline, if people hadn't already responded to your comment, I'd have deleted it. I disagree with your tone as well as your conclusion. In future, please be respectful when commenting on my blog. Thanks.

My first thought after reading this query was, "Dang, that's a good query."

It felt a little cumbersome in the places Rachelle already mentioned, which gave me a general feeling of its being overlong, but I read right through those areas anyway.

But overall, I got a real sense of forward motion and story with this query. Good luck to the author!

First paragraph was a little awkward, but the rest works for me. If the sample pages are good, why fret over the query letter?

So far, I'm loving how you're critiquing. Your gentle way is very effective.

I am not in a postion to comment on how good or bad the query is. I am still to get to this point of my writing career.
I did think the story had a bite of something good, and I am not surprised you asked to read more Rachelle.

I wish the author good luck for the future.

I want to read this book. She has me hooked.

And I love your detailed explanations of your thought process. Thank you!

I appreciate that your response illustrates there is no single cookie-cutter template for queries. For instance, your March 18 critique expressed that you liked having the word count and genre in the first sentence. But this author saved those details for the end, and that was fine with you. So perhaps one lesson is that the order of the ingredients isn't as crucial as developing a delicious overall recipe?

I actually want to read this, it sounds interesting. I stumbled through the query but wouldn't mind reading it.
free internet jobs

I think not only is this query a great learning experience for the author, but the novel itself can be revised at this point and used as a learning tool. As writers we seem to learn the most from our own errors. Now she has the tools to tone down unappetizing plot lines and hone in on what the real story is.


Rachelle, is this a pop quiz query series? Or are you notifying the authors in advanced? Just curious as to how worried I should be.

T.Anne - my issue is the public nature of this.

I do understand that everyone's intentions are good. I'm sorry if my previous message seemed judgemental or overly condeming- I don't want that either. It's easy to get carried away.

But I just hope we'll be careful, if at all possible. These are real people here, real writers, and this is a very public forum.

I'm sorry if I'm out of line - I hope I'm not. My intentions, like everyone else's - are good, at the heart of it.

Well, now I'm going to re-think this whole idea of doing query critiques. I thought it would be helpful for writers to hear some of my honest thoughts about queries. I intended it to be a learning experience. I asked writers to submit their queries specifically for the purpose of critique, so they know what they're getting into. And they are all anonymous (if they choose to reveal themselves in the comments, that's up to them).

Since it's obviously not my intent to throw anyone under a bus, I'll have to think about this. I was hoping that my honest feedback would help writers understand what agents might be thinking, so they could revise and make their query as strong as possible. Not sure how else to accomplish this except for telling the truth.

I also think it's helpful for the writer of the query to see what the blog commenters think, whether they agree with my assessment or thought I was off-base. That way, they have more than just my opinion to guide them in their revision.

Well, maybe I'm wrong. I'll be taking it under consideration.

I think everyone has been very respectful in the way they have voiced their opinions. These critiques can only help us! Please don't second-think the idea! It's great!

T. Anne, Mira, and Everyone: A couple of weeks ago, I sent a notice on Twitter that I was going to begin critiquing queries on the blog, and asked people to send queries specifically for critique. So anything critiqued here in public was sent to me for that purpose, and the author is always notified in advance.

Rachelle - well, I've said alot, so I'll be quiet and hear what other think, but I want to say two things first.

First, I thought yesterday's critique went really well.

Second, I am feeling very appreciate right now of your willingness to have an open discussion here. I would not have even bothered to say something on most other blogs. But you are always open to feedback, and able to think about it as well, even if you don't always agree. I deeply respect that; it's one of the things about you that I admire the most. I'm sorry if my message above was harsh. Thank you.

Critiques are always tough, especially public ones, but I think the feedback here should be invaluable to the writer. It's so tough to deal with just form rejections and never know how to improve. I'm intrigued by the premise presented in the query, but I think the query itself is too vague. Especially the first paragraph, which really tells me nothing. Keep working on it though, and thanks for being brave and sharing!

Rachelle,

I haven't read all the comments on this post, but I did read quite a few, and I don't think anyone has 'thrown the author under a bus.'

Commenters,including myself, have pointed out flaws they see in the query, and made conclusions about the manuscript based on that query. Isn't that what agents do?

Isn't a query our one chance to convince agents they'd like to see more of our work?

To have an agent's feedback even before sending out one's query is a huge advantage. The author said romance factors little in her manuscript, so now she can amend her query. She sees she needs to explain more of the plot, and now she can.

No, her story will not appeal to everyone, but that's true of every book.

Please, please, please do not take away this wonderful learning opportunity for those of us who appreciate it!

Thank you!

Ouch!

Mira, I don’t feel that anyone meant Nancy or anyone else ill will in what they said. I certainly didn’t. While you might not like people criticizing the work, when we don’t have the work in front of us and are forced to assume the query is accurate, we can’t critique a query without simultaneously critiquing the work it describes. If our goal is to figure out how we can write queries better, I think we are going to have to start with the manuscript. To quote Chip MacGregor, “Most authors are turned down because THEY CAN'T WRITE. Simple as that” (emphasis his).

I assumed that the authors involved had some idea of what they were setting themselves up for. I can’t speak for either of the authors we’ve seen so far, but I can say that if I were in their position I would be delighted. I’m not sure if I would lower the shield of anonymity, if for no other reason than I would not want what people think of me personally to come into play. In any case, I believe there are several of us here that would be thrilled to receive the same treatment that these two authors have received.

It has to take a lot of courage to offer oneself up for public critique like this. I was sure Rachelle wouldn't just put them out there without at least asking first. I can't even imagine someone with her honest concern for writers doing such a thing. That would be cruel, and she isn't. I think that these authors have proven themselves teachable, which is essential to success in any industry, and especially ours where public, unsolicited, and often unkind criticism is the norm. I'm sure it's hard to read Rachelle's critique and even more so, our comments. But think how much they can benefit. And think how much we're in their debt because we get to learn right along with them. So thank you, Nancy and Sara and those who are yet to come.

Honestly I am really thankful for the critique and the comments. How else can we learn? If I had been told to chuck the manu (I wouldn't do it mind you)with all malice then I would be heart broken. But as a parent that home-schooled her daughters with the message 'everything' is a learning experience I applaud Rachelle and thank her. Everything we write has a form of agenda. We just chose the once we keep.

Sorry, sometimes I speak as 'The Voice'.

Rachelle please don't stop the critiques. I would feel as if I'm stopping the progress for others. My other query is much better-with all the missing info within.
Thanks.

I figured you had asked. I thought maybe it was advertised on the blog and I missed it. (plus your clarification eliminates any thinly veiled fears I might have had ;)

I like this series. I think it's invaluable and I would love to see more of these. Writers seem to have visceral reactions to posts like these because we transpose ourselves in them. However, that doesn't take away from the fact what we learn outweighs our discomfort.

Timothy,

Please don't think I'm ignoring you, if I don't respond. I just feel like I've been given a chance to have a voice, and that's enough out of me for now. :)

I trust Rachelle to hear all of us, and come to a place that's right for her and the blog.

Although, I do want to say, I'm not advocating that the critiques stop altogether. But again, that's up to Rachelle.

I'd like to hear more about this "agenda" thing. I believe most authors write with somewhat of an agenda in the back of their mind. So is it okay to have an agenda, but you just don't want to reveal it? Maybe let the story reveal it, if it is indeed picked up by the reader?

Thanks again for a query critique--they're very informative.

Ross, you said it right - let the story reveal it. Then it's up to the reader to pick up on it, and decide what to do with it.

However, I don't think "agenda driven" fiction is the best idea. Most writers have a theme which is basically a truth they want to explore and convey through their story. In my mind, that's different from an agenda.

An agenda (to me) is more specific, like "convince people we need gun control," whereas a theme would be, "violence doesn't solve any problems." An agenda is where you're trying to change people's mind about something, and/or get them to take action.

In general, when someone has a strong agenda for writing fiction, they often pay more attention to their purpose than to actually writing a good story. So if you sell your agenda up front, agents are conditioned to think your novel probably isn't very good. That's why you just want to sell your story, not your agenda.

"An agenda (to me) is more specific, like "convince people we need gun control," whereas a theme would be, "violence doesn't solve any problems." An agenda is where you're trying to change people's mind about something, and/or get them to take action."

Thanks - Needed this. I tend to mix Passion and Inspiration until I get Agenda.

Charles Dickens had a great way of writing “agenda driven” fiction. Harriet Beecher Stowe’s Uncle Tom’s Cabin is also a classic example of “agenda driven” fiction. Mark Twain was a very opinionated man and it came out in his stories. But what we see in a book like Bleak House, Uncle Tom’s Cabin or The Adventure of Huckleberry Finn is that the author’s agenda and the theme are consistent. Also, while it may be debated whether the book over exaggerated the situation (the justices of the Court of Chancery felt Bleak House exaggerated the problems), we can’t argue with the author’s solution. One reason for that is that the authors often don’t give us their solution. They either assume the reader knows what they believe is the solution, they save that information to talk about at their public appearances or they are simply introducing the problem hoping that the collective intelligence of their readers will find a solution.

Another reason is that by aligning the theme with the agenda, the whole novel becomes like a dissertation, presenting the arguments for and against the author’s point of view and in the end showing why the author’s point of view is the correct view, but it is done by the characters demonstrating the issues rather than by the author presenting facts and figures. If the author has done his job, the critics will be silenced and he will have proven his point. But we have a tendency to take shortcuts and that is when our agenda starts causing problems.

I am intrigued by everyone's opinions. I am just such a work in progress.

Seems agents only rep books they're personally interested in these days. Guess that's better than someone who's not excited about your book at all.

It takes a lot of practice to write that one-paragraph summary that communicates exactly what your novel is about. The author's pitch paragraph leaves me confused about the story. It says contemporary with a thread of romance, but I'm not seeing a plot. The child is taken, then what? They get angry and blame each other...then what? What is the main character's goal? Work together to get back the kid? Whatever the goal is, it needs to be in that pitch paragraph.

And the first sentence in paragraph two seems like a mistake. Like it is coming from the boy's POV. Confusing.

I like the idea that agents only take on what they like. That means they are as passionate about your book as you are - which means an excellent working relationship!

Thank you, Rachelle, I am finding these critiques very helpful. And thanks to the authors of the queries for allowing this to happen. I felt good when the first author wrote in, appreciating her experience. I don't know if I'd be as brave!
I agree with almost everything said, especially the agenda part which also turned me off, but I never say what should or should not happen in a book. If the writer writes it, that's what happens, I may not like it but well - it happened.

Oops, my last comment was supposed be posted here.

Thank you, Rachelle for taking the time out to dissect this query.

I find it very interesting to hear your thoughts and why the query turned you off. You offered some great points.

I think if agenda is an overriding concern for an author (and sometimes it is, and rightly so), he/she should write non-fiction. When someone picks up non-fiction they assume you want to convince them of something. They're saying, OK, bring it on, we'll see what happens. And you can use true stories or hypothetical stories as illustrations--they can even take up a lot of your book, I've seen it done. But if you're selling it as non-fiction, people are going to accept your agenda-driven story more easily. They'll say "Hm, yes, I can see how this could happen, so maybe I should watch out for that"--or maybe "I don't think that would happen." But they won't say, "You're just trying to sell me an agenda" and toss the book away, because you warned them about that going in. I've read a book that was billed as "narrative theology"--a set of fictional letters between people in the early church, which were both interesting and agenda-driven, and I didn't mind so much because I was told on the back cover that the theology was the point. I didn't have to believe in the letters; they were an interesting and three-dimensional way of talking about theology.

Or, if what really fascinates you is the *story*, even though you might have this wish for it to influence people in the back of your mind, then fiction can work for you. But one thing that you need is a really good "nose" for human nature & human motivations, including their dark and/or petty sides. I don't know if the thing about "separation because of a misunderstanding" truly reflects what's in the manuscript, but on the face of it it set off my "human nature" alarm. It sounded like one of those I-won't-let-my-characters-have-real-flaws shortcuts that too many Christian writers use. It's very difficult not to do that, and not to let your characters off in other ways, too. When one of my characters falls down, I try to make sure she doesn't get hurt! In revision, I have to go back and say, "No, let her scratch her face against that tree branch. Let her bleed some, and deal with that. People hurt themselves and then they bleed!" So if the characters really are separating because of a misunderstanding, I'd say in the same way, "No, let them be angry at each other over something real, let them be unwilling to forgive because they're selfish. People are selfish!" And a time when your child's in danger is a really great time to realize how petty your selfishness has been, that works with the "ending up together again" angle, whatever you choose to call it.

And I want to say, Nancy, I admire you for being brave enough to put your stuff out there for critique! That makes you a writer who will grow. People whose manuscript is their baby that must never be criticized will have a much harder time of it.