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Miss Snark vents her wrath on the hapless world of writers and crushes them to sand beneath her T.Rexual heels of stiletto snark.
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Number of Readers that added this blog to their MyJacketFlap: 88
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Dear Miss Snark,
As a hugely successful and incredibly wealthy New York literary agent, I gotta tell you that you’re really causing me heartburn.
In the good old days, crappy writers did a crappy job of submitting their crappy queries, and I was able to cull through the crap at the rate of five per nanosecond, no problemo. And then you came along, dishing up advice and giving away our industry secrets.
I now have thousands of submissions in my slush pile that are perfectly executed, beautifully formatted, and follow my agency’s amazingly complex and intentionally contradictory instructions precisely.
So, even though 99.9% of the actual writing is still atrocious, it’s taking me ten times longer to slog through the slush.
Are you trying to make my life a living hell, or what?
Clearly my work here is done!
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Dear Miss Snark,
I’ve got papyrophobia (fear of paper) and bibliophobia (fear of books). My therapist says my phobias are the most severe she’s ever seen, and there’s no hope of a cure for me.
I’ve written a novel (on my PC, as you might expect), and now the publication date is looming. I’m deathly afraid of seeing my novel rendered on paper, in the form of a book. And yet I’m thrilled that others will be able to pick up a copy and read it. I want to make sure the book is okay, but because of my phobias I can’t get anywhere near one.
So, since you’re in New York, and my publisher is in New York, would you be willing to pick up a copy, call me, and read it to me over the phone?
oh shur, no problem.
Is your phone number 648-9487?***
*clue: telephone numbers also have letters
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Killer Yapp (activating Nextel two way collar radio): "Grandma Dog! Grandma Dog!"
Grandmother Snark: "KY? What's wrong?"
KY: Snark! Snark! Melting!
GS: Miss Snark is melting? I'll be right there, open the patio doors!
(Grandmother Snark rappels down east face of building and swan dives into Snark Central).
KY: Here! Here!
Grandmother Snark: (aghast) oh dear dog in heaven, hell must be freezing over, where are my skates, Miss Snark has tears running down her flinty cheeks!
Miss Snark: 300 plus comments on the blog retirement post. I thought I was tough. They got me! They really got me!
Grandmother Snark: And it's only Saturday night. I better buy stock in Kimberly Clark.
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Some questions have popped up in my email and in the comments:
1. What are you doing next?
The only thing retiring is the blog. I'm still agenting. KY is still chasing squirrels and Grandmother Snark is still blessedly unaware of Miss Snark's potty mouth. Please resist the urge to reveal all to her.
2. What about the blog?
The blog will stay up. You can search the archives (most of the posts have labels now and google will turn up a lot if you use "miss snark" and "what ever you're looking for" as search terms).
3. We can still comment, right?
No, comments are now off as of 5/22/2007. You can see the previous comments but you can't comment now.
4. Are you going to write a book?
No.
5. Can I print up your blog as a book on Lulu?
No. Please don't. If you want to print it out and put it in a pink unicorn binder for your own personal use, ok, but please don't turn it into book form or sell it, even at no-profit.
6. Was it something anyone said or did, and if so, can I kill them for you?
No. It wasn't a specific event. The questions were increasingly ones I'd already answered or ones I couldn't answer. Managing the mail was actually more time consuming than the blog.
7. Are you alright? You're not sick or anything are you?
No, I'm not dead, dying or disabled. I'm slightly dehydrated cause the outpouring of such marvelous comments and email and video and blog posts has been very very overwhelming, but you didn't make me cry, you didn't you did NOT.
8. Are you marrying George Clooney?
Yes.
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Two years; two million hits (2.5 actually as of 5/20/07);
yes, Miss Snark has run out of new things to say.
It's been an amazing run.
This blog wouldn't have been any fun at all without you, my devoted readers.
I know I'll miss hearing from you.
I hope you'll miss hearing from me.
Yes, the blog will stay up cause I'm pretty proud of what we did here. And by "we" I don't mean just me and Killer Yapp, I mean you too. You sent me questions, trusted me to snark your work, made "crapometer" an industry term and most of all, you gave me perspective on what it's like to be on the other side of the slush pile.
There will be a few more days of clean up as I close out my email and spruce up the blog roll.
You can reach me through Killer Yapp.
Thank you for everything.
I for one will be sad and bereft.
Much aloha from one very grateful snarkling.
Is this code for Mr. Clooney said yes?
Wow. We'll miss you! You've given so much.
Let's hope Your Snarkiness is like a phoenix and rises again.
I'll miss you.
It's been a great two years. Your influence will continue to be felt on writers for a long time.
Best wishes.
Oh man, I can't believe it! Is it too embarrassing to cry?
This is the first blog I ever read and the only one I read regularly. You will be sooooo missed!
Oh, say it ain't so.
I love coming to you in the middle of the night when I get writer's block.
I had no idea the shock I was in for when I came to see you tonight. Since I've already been by to see you several times today, and all seemed well in the world of Snark, I just can't get over this post.
But in your honor, whenever I feel the need to come see you in the middle of the night instead of plowing on, I'll look at the sign I have above my desk and think of you....Write well, query widely.
What's going on with you all? Dia (Nadia Cornier) is "leaving" or "changing" or "quitting" her blog (not sure exactly), Jennifer says she has nothing more to say. Now you? Who's next? Kristen? Rachel? I certainly hope not. I'm bummed...but you know what? I got an agent and I have a website and I am writing all the time. If I knew who you were (I mean really knew not just a google guess), I'd send you a big fat bouquet of flowers and a bottle of gin because the things I learned from you were write well and stay after it, which I did, and now I'm on my way. Thanks, Miss Snark. And cheers!
Dude. I am really, really depressed now.
Noooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo!
(While fully respecting your need to live your own life, of course.)
It's been amazing. Don't suppose you would reconsider?
You will leave a huge gap in my writing life. Without you, I would have been even more of a nitwit than I am, a nitwit with no chance of ever finding my one true agent.
Thanking you from the bottom of my heart. Missing you already. Heart...is...cracking...
*mckoala drags self up eucalypt to lie on branch and cry*
Farewell. And thank you.
*sob*
This makes me sad. I always enjoy reading your posts and look forward to them showing up on my RSS reader. I've enjoyed participating in and have received great help from the Crapometer.
Miss S you will be missed. Thank you for all you've done to educate, encourage, inspire, and amuse us all.
But...but...I only just FOUND you, Miss Snark!
And now I have to miss you while I go read your all your previous posts instead of looking forward to new ones.
***sniff***
Unending gin and cookies to you and KY, and the best possible success.
Crap, you'll be missed.
Thank you for the two years. Hard to believe it was that long, from this end.
You will have the undying gratitude of so many. Thank you for all of your time these past two years.
The devotion will live on!
Thanks for two years of good laughs and even better advice. And if you're just having us on - ho ho.
Yes, I think you've covered it all, so your good deeds are done.
I hope this has also been a chance to articulate your ideas and observations. Perhaps you could boil it all down into an ebook?
Good luck. It would be nice to think that you're dropping this blog because you have one or more happy life events.
My sword is at your service,
Z
What? No more sending Haiku to you at 3 a.m. Eastern European time?
It's been a fun ride, a great learning experience. I found my agent mentioned in your blog.
All the best.
Oh no!
I'm so sorry to hear this, but I echo the other posters in my gratitude for all the helpful advice you have taken the time to post. You made a difference to me.
Sophia
NOOOOOOO! I'm with mckoala, as well as the rest of your myriad fans, on this one.. I only just discovered you a few months ago and already I'd become heavily addicted.. (there's always the archives i guess - I've only read about half of them so far..)
I did wonder how you managed to get o much done and update so wonderfully regularly.. So thank you so much for a brilliant blog, and best wishes to you and the Killingest of Yapps for the future
-apathy m.
PS. You could always return just occasionally? Special occasional appearances?
You'll be missed, Miss S.
Interestingly, I just thought about this yesterday. I wondered if you would ever run out of topics or get tired of having the same ones over and over.
I am not sure what initially motivated you to help the writers of the world, but I am certainly grateful for your time, your efforts, your honesty and your humour.
Now I think I'll go light my hair on fire.....
You'll be missed very much. Happy retirement.
In the midst of the word she was trying to say,
In the midst of her laughter and glee,
She had softly and suddenly vanished away -
For the Snark was a boojum, you see.
Thanks for this blog.
You are appreciated.
You will be missed.
You were my first blog stop in the morning and my coffee will not taste as rich and fine without you.
A sincere thank you for all the help, advice, critique and drive you've given the legions of aspiring writers.
Because of you, your slush pile won't be half as bad as it was two years ago; the writing, the letters, the grammer, the stories will all be the better for your input.
susan
Miss Snark, I'm a much better writer now than before I discovered your blog. Please accept my most heartfelt gratitude.
A day without Miss Snark and KY is so empty.
Thank you, Miss Snark :~)
...
THis deeply saddens me. I'm not kidding. It will leave a void in my life.
And it's my son's birtday --so I know a few things about this day in history. It's Malcom X's birthday. It's also:
Anne Boleyn, the second wife of Henry VIII of England, is beheaded for adultery.
New England's Dark Day: never-explained complete darkness falls on Eastern Canada and the New England area of the United States at 2 pm in 1780.
1897 - Oscar Wilde is released from Reading Gaol (prison).
Nathaniel Hawthorne dies on this day, 1864.
On this day in 1848, the U.S. acquires Texas from Mexico. It's the gift that keeps on giving.
I'll stop here.
Cheers,
Oh, alas. Well, thank you for a marvellous website, and all the best for the future!
Very thankful for all your help and support but, nevertheless, devastated.
It's your life you've been pouring into these pages and I can understand the need for something different, but I hope you'll permit me a very selfish "boo-hoo."
OMG sobbing
I never truly understood how you found the time to do this blog, but I didn't question -- just selfishly soaked up all the wisdom.
You answered my question, when I needed direction the most and helped me extricate myself from a bad agent relationship.
You will be sorely missed.
Malia
But... but... No!
*sniffle*
Wow, this is so sad! I didn't even get a chance to get Snarked (although I read you for more than a year!)
The writing world will be lost without you!
I second a big bunch of flowers and a pail or three of gin! You've helped me so much!
*sniffles more*
You're awesome. Thank you so much!
Thank you for everything, Miss Snark.
Good luck. God Bless. Mazel Tov. And a personal thank you from the heart for your kindness.
LONG LIVE SNARK!
Oh, and I so wanted to hear your view on the Simon and Schuster contract changes. This blog is such a powerful presence in the industry.
Yet, some decisions must be final. One thing you aren't, is washy-washy!
Thank you, Miss Snark and Killer Yapp!
It was that video of me acting out the 3rd chapter of my synopsis for "Dancing Naked in Central Park', wasn't it?
I assure you, the Mounted Police horses were not harmed during the filming. I apologize if your hair burst into flames.
Bye, Miss Snark. It has been a great time reading your blog. Good health and enjoy your retirement.
Um...does this mean I should go to Barbara Baur for writing advice from now on?
I will miss you. Good luck!
What?! You can't leave!
I've learned so much from you, Miss Snark. Just two weeks ago, an agent I'd queried gave me a "nice, but not for me" response and if it hadn't been for your advice, I would have concentrated only on the rejection and missed her subsequent offer to help with my agent search.
As it was, I'd learned enough from your blog to value that offer and take her up on it -- and she gave me a referral to a wonderful agency who fell in love with my work and offered representation within the week. If it hadn't been for you, I might very well have missed that opportunity entirely. So thank you. You will be greatly missed.
Awwwwwwwww . . . damn! Well, the fan listing will remain!
But, maaaaaaaaaaaan . . .
*sighs*
Very sad day, and the fact that this happened as I was busy appreciating the absolute doll-ness that is Dan Lazar, who I never would have thought much about without that fun contest.
We'll miss you, Miss Snark. I hope that since this place will be here, if you come across something that needs to be said, you won't hesitate to open those Bobbi Brown'd lips and punch a stiletto through to the heart of it.
C'mon, you're going to miss us all so much you'll be back!! Write that book or whatever excuse you have for this horrible announcement, and reconsider PLEASE! Im going to keep Miss Snark as a favourite and check this site every week. You CAN'T go, I havent written my book yet!
Wow. Totally not what I expected to read this morning. A scathing snark about S & S's contract changes, a shot at yet another clueless nitwit, another tribute to George Clooney--yes.
Miss Snark hangs up her clue gun? No.
You've been a tremendous help in so many ways, Miss Snark. My last two query letters resulted in requests for more, thanks to the Crapometer. I know how to spot a scammer, know at least 20 agents to avoid completely, and know several "do not ever's" to avoid at the next conference, all thanks to you.
You'll be greatly missed.
So many blogs that I read are going away. This is the third to retire this month from my blogroll. I need a drink.
But thanks for all your time, Miss Snark. Happy retirement to you, you certainly deserve it.
The prospect of another Crapometer was just too much, huh?
*goes away to be sad*
I'll miss you. Your snarky advice has helped me avoid doing dastardly deeds of nitwittery many times.
Thanks for the fun and informative ride.
Toss a cookie to Killer Yapp for me as I raise my glass of gin to you.
As one of the few who have been here since the beginning, thank you for all you've done - especially the personal notes you used to send before it went crazy -they were most helpful.
Many of the writers who started with you have gotten book deals and now, the books are coming out. I can't but think that you helped.
Those of us who are still plugging will miss getting snarked. And sitting late at night trying to figure out how to explain things better to prevent the dreaded WTF?
THanks again.
You will be sorely missed! You've provided us with a stellar education in a baffling business. Thank you so much.
I'm sorry to see you go. Thanks for everything. I wish you continued success in your future endeavors.
Dear Miss Snark,
I hope you have tears in your eyes when you read these tributes. I sure have them in mine.
I miss you already. The words "thank you" are hardly adequate.
Wishing you all the best.
Thank you. I'm not a writer but I've learned alot and had a lot of fun. You've been great, and I'll miss you and your little dog, too.
Thank you, for your wit, help, and insightful comments. I will miss my daily visit, but life is change and we all must move on.
Keep well, Miss Snark.
Thank you, Miss Snark. I echo the comments above, and if I should find myself with an offer from your mysterious alter ego in my search for an agent, I think I'd be in good hands. Unless of course you are retiring to a tropical island with no way to send manuscripts back and forth.
How can you just close up shop like that? The multitudes need you! Like so many, many others, I too will be bereft -- and I just happened to stumble into your blog this morning!
No, no. Please.
Stay ... and keep snarking! No one else does it so well!
Reading this puts a big lump in my throat. I only write kiddie lit, but what you've taught still applies.
It's hard to express how much you've helped me, but basically . . .two years ago I was a nitwit.
Now I'm not.
Thank you, Miss Snark.
Please come back!
I learned more from you than fiction classes, conferences and all the how-to books combined.
You also made me spit more beverages than I can count. I'll miss the humor you brought to all of those isolated days at the keyboard.
I feel like I've lost a dear friend. Thank you for the invaluable advice.
Kristen
With greatest respect for your generosity ...
with greatest pleasure for your snarkiness ...
with tears in my eyes for your departure.
MS, thank you. Thank you for your extraordinary generosity and those words of snarky wisdom. Thank you for your support. May you have a fine, happy, prosperous, successful life filled with Clooney, gin and fine manuscripts.
I can only hope that in Miss Snark's 36-hour-per-day universe it's still April 1st.
Thank you for everything, Miss Snark.
Well, hell. Thank you so much for all the info and the work. This was a great blog, and my first post. Just when I was going to ask a question about writing and the industry, all I had to do was wait a nanosecond, and you gave the unblemished answer. This was a work of art.
So. Are you going to write a book based on the info you got from the blog? It would be a mega bestseller. Might even get optioned by the studios, and you'd find yourself in bed with co star Clooney filming that post coital Sunday morning hug over and over and over again "until he get it right." Not to mention the scene where he rises naked and goes to the window, to ponder his love for you, his assistant editor/intern/aspiring writer.
But not that bedding George is the only reason for writing an informative and lively book on the craft of writing, but it could help you through the late night rewrites. All of your Snarkophiles await with
money in hand, waiting to buy your book. Support your gin collection. And buy Killer Yapp's new, vibrating doggy bed with the digital, self-feeder.
Something to think about. Anyway, have a good life, and thank you so much for gracing my screen.
Miss Snark, we are all a little wiser after a few shots from your clue gun. Thank you for doing this for us. :)
Words can't really express.
I learned more from this blog in the six months or so I've been reading it than I have from years' worth of how-to-write-and-get-published books.
In your snarky way, you've been on our side--thank you so much.
When is "Miss Snark: The Book" going to be available? If it isn't, can I have permission to put all your blog posts into a PDF and print myself a copy through Lulu?
Sigh.
Best of luck with whatever is next for you, Miss Snark.
I've been informed, amused, helped and entertained. Surely, blogs don't get much better than that. Thanks. I'll miss my daily kick. Might have to resort to the bottle.
Thank you for all your time and knowledge you've shared with us. I know I learned a lot I will take forward. You'll be missed!
Here's to you and KY!
I've never posted, but I read your blog faithfully. There will be a big hole in my life without you!
Best of luck to you and Killer Yapp!
Waaah. I'm sad.
Where can I buy a cluegun for personal use?
Thanks for all the great advice.
Thank you very much. We writers tend to grow nitwittery, but you've taught us how to weed it out better.
I'm sure you've done a great service to your fellow agents as well.
NOOOOOOOoooooooooo. . .
Best wishes to you, Miss Snark and Killer Yapp. You have saved me from much nitwittery, and I am grateful.
Like a good book -- sad to have it come to an end, happy to have read it.
Thanks for everything.
Just when I finally had a decent questiong to ask...
~the irony~
Bless you Miss Snark and the Tammed-One too --I think I'll miss him most of all *choke*
Wait a minute. No more writers or wannabes saying, "Miss Snark said today..."
No-o-o-!!!
Your words of wisdom spiced with a handful of snarkiness will be greatly missed.
You were wonderful to do what you did, and remarkable that you were able to do it for so long.
Thank you for your generosity. You did a great thing for all aspiring writers.
Best wishes and continued happiness in the 212!
Thank you so much for everything you've taught us and done for us. But just one thing: don't forget us. Don't forget what it's like here on the other side of the slush.
Go well. You'll be missed, very, very much.
Aww, hell.
You're one classy lady.
Here's to ya!
CAM
Your departure will be the subject of many blogs today.
Farewell and promise to blog on occasion will ya? Just so we know how you're doing.
Best wishes,
Taryn Simpson
p.s. If I thought George Clooney would make you reconsider your decision, I'd stalk him and bring him to you.
Thank you for the last two years. You will be missed.
Thank you, Miss Snark. You will be missed.
NOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!
Who will uphold the beacon of snark?
Oh I hope you miss it so much that you come back...soon.
Miss Snark,
Thank you so much for giving so much to so many! You have been a bright point of light in cyberspace, and will be missed. Best of luck to you and KY! Good dog, now I've got the "Old Irish Blessing" running through my head, I'm such a sap. You know:
May the road rise to meet you, may the wind be always at your back . . .etc.
Top Ten Reasons Why Miss Snark Should Reconsider (cue Letterman music here)
10. Who else but devoted snarklings will make you a You Tube Holiday Greeting?
9. Not that you need an excuse to refill the gin pail, but dog knows you have plenty of them every time you post something new to this blog.
8. There’s been an overstock of clue guns on eBay, so you won’t get much money for yours. Might as well continue using it here.
7. Ya never know—one of us might really have an "in" with George Clooney.
6. Don’t you need to use "yanno" for, yanno, ten more years before you can officially trademark it?
5. Grandmother Snark didn’t raise no quitter.
4. Your hair looks best when it’s on fire.
3. Four words: orange cunts from Rabbitania.
2. Killer Yap really works for the CIA. Some of what you post as "nitwit" e-mail is really in code. The future of this world rests on you keeping this blog live AND current.
1. SASEs—come on, we all KNOW there’s so much more to say.
Please reconsider.
(But if the answer is still no...thank you, Miss Snark. For everything.)
I have written a non-fiction book but it would not be as it is if not for the comments and suggestions I read here over the past year. You did a wonderful service and your candor will be missed. I wish you and Mr. Clooney all the best. (There can be no other logical explanation unless hostile inhabitants of Rabbitania invaded...)
Sincerely, and with Best Wishes
Roger Anderson
Alas! You leave us too soon! I can't thank you enough for your advice and your wit.
sign me--
Snarkhotep
:P.N. Elrod shaves her head in mourning:
BWAAAAAHHHHH!
Cats sleeping with dogs (sorry Killer Yapp), birds flying backwards, Neighbours leaving the BBC all on the same day...it must be Snarkaggeddon. Thank you so much for all your help over the past year I've been reading your blog.
Thanks for introducing me to the world of blog (you were my first), to Evil Editor, to the whole realm of how not to get rejected quite so fast...
Good luck with everything
[word ver - ljpgehtv, the sound of my upper lip quivering]
Love
Katmarine
You've been a source of snarky fun and wisdom for me and my writer friends. Thank you so much.
May the gin be with you.
not to suggest you're a *gasp* good person or anything...but thank you so much for all you've given.
*sniff* Well. I guess I'll just go write something, then. *wibble*
I'm stunned.
Thanks, at least, for leaving the snarkives up... and for the time you've spent trying to get clues to the clueless of the world.
Wishing you Paradise Found in the arms of Mr. Clooney, a freezer full of steaks grilled to perfection for you and GC and KY as needed, a bottomless gin pail--and cabana boys all around for the sunscreen.
Thank you for all you've given. The Internet will be a darker place without the sparkle of your blog.
A couple pros told me about this site last year and also said to drink it up while I could because all good things come to an end.
Lots of good advice.
Thank you for helping me become a better writer.
*tips hat*
It's sad enough that the glorious Melinda Doolittle was bumped from American Idol. With the loss of the glorious Miss Snark, I am declaring a week of mourning.
I just found your blog a few months ago.
Thanks very much for what you've given.
Ah, Miss Snark! It was your blog that introduced me to the whole online world of publishing blogs and author communities. I will be forever grateful for what you've done here.
Thank you!
Robin
If someday you change your mind, no one will think the less of you. Rather, bells of joy will ring all across blogland.
In the meantime, thanks for everything.
Dear Miss Snark: R.I.P. (Represent in Peace)
It's kind of like attending your own funeral isn't it, with all these glowing eulogies? But I know we'll be seeing you someday soon on Larry King and/or Charlie Rose(you sitting behind a screen, profile obscured, voice distorted)--just give us a heads up as to when you're scheduled.
Till then....
Miss Snark, I think you were the catalyst for other agents and publishers to blog and provide insight into the publishing industry. Because of you, those of us aspiring to be published, and those of us who have and still have a few things to learn have some sound knowledge behind us.
I'll miss seeing the new entries, but am thankful you'll keep the blog up. It's a gold mine of information and will continue helping many more writers.
Very best to you.
Nooooooooooo! I haven't gotten to the query point yet. Who will be there to fire the clue gun at me when I do?
Good luck in future endeavors, thanks for everything you've done so far.
*goes to cry in the corner*
I'm a better writer thanks to you and to the other experts who share their time and expertise. Thank you.
What a great gift you gave us!Thank you to the Snarkiest.
Oh, NOOO! Yours is the blog I check first (and the funniest).
I am sad and sorry, but certainly wish you the best.
You've given us a first class, graduate level education in publishing our writing, and the Snarkives are a National Treasure. Thank you.
Referring to the previous anonymous comment about bells ringing all across Blogland, should you someday return, they'll ring all across Rabbitania, too.
I'm in tears.
Nooooooooooo!
Some of us met you recently, and are addicted already. I know I have old posts to learn from, but...
Anguish. But thank you for all the good times and good advice
Thank you, Miss Snark. You've shared so much of your time, advice, agenting experience, wisdom, and snarkisms. It seems that I, too, was one of the many who started each day with a cuppa joe and a dose of your blog. I'm grateful for all that you gave and am even more happy to see you taking your leave while the going was still good---classy to the end. Grandmother Snark would be proud. I predict that the advice you've shared will continue to be passed among writers and hopefully you'll see the results in your submissions pile and your deeds will have gone full circle.
Warm regards and best of luck!
-SK
Sorry, the loud echoes are just an homage — me crying into a gin pail.
You've pulled so many of us from the abyss of ignorance and thrust us, screaming, into the light of your burning hair; how will we get through our morning starbucks without you?! How will we know who we have offended? How willl we know when we're obsessing?
The words, "Write well, query widely," shall be our daily mantra.
Thanks for all the laughs and the education, Miss Snark.
My first thought: "What?"
My second thought: "WHAT?!"
(checks to see if this is a joke, some previous announcement, something I've missed...)
My third thought: "Nooo..."
Tucking away all selfishness, there are no adequate words to thank you for all you have done for we writers, nitwits, hopefuls, dreamers and targets for clueguns -- however, I can say that it's been a ride well worth taking. I hope that the next one matches the rush.
We laughed. We winced. We cried. We tipped our hats and said, 'good-bye.'
You will be missed.
-- Yea, A Loyal Snarkling, The LitWitch
What was that noise? It was the collective gasp of fans everywhere when they checked in to your blog today.
I read a lot of blogs. But Snark Central was the only one I went to daily. I always looked forward to your advice, your snarkyness, and your sense of humour.
Wow. You will sincerely be missed. Thanks for the ride!
Oh, no.
How is it possible to totally understand someone's decision, but still be totally heartbroken by it?
Ah, Miss Snark. The blogging world is going to be a lot less attractive from now on.
May the Force be with you.
I will miss you, Miss Snark. :(
Well, this rainy day just got more depressing...
Such a shame. But thanks for everything, Miss Snark.
Thank you for everything, Miss Snark. I am not nearly so stupid now as I was when I first started reading your blog. Perhaps I am one of the lucky ones, though, for I will now go back to Day One, which I was not around for, and read your advice from the beginning.
Fair winds and following seas, Miss Snark, you and your little dog too.
Wow, Miss Snark! Thanks for the great ride.
I'm sure aspiring authors will be digging through the archives for years to come.
Wanted to chime in a note of thanks for all the tips.
Great, you made me cry!
I am going to miss you so much. Thank you for all the advice, and snarking. Thank you for all your time. I think you have managed to smack everyone of us writers with a clue gun at least once. It was great and horrible.
I hope I have become a better nitwit because of your advice.
I am going to miss you sooooo much!
Mahukey
Thanks for all the advice :)
Would you please change your mind so my mistress will stop crying ...
Respectfully,
William (Bill) E. Goat, III
Yes, I am still a nitwit. But I’m not as big a nitwit as I was before I started reading your blog in January.
I will go to my writers conference at the end of the month and instead of assaulting all the agents and publishers present and attempting to convince them why they NEED to represent me, I will sit quietly, listen, observe and learn.
The third draft of my manuscript is finished with a minimum of passive voice and without overusing the words that, just, really, very and all the other oft repeated unnecessary ones
I will refine my query, identify and research agents in my genre and query widely. I will not take rejection too personally and will use any comments to make my query letter and manuscript better.
All of these things, plus many others, I learned from you. You have no idea what a great service you have provided to us and how very much we appreciate it.
I respect your decision to retire from your blog but do hope you will consider posting occasionally to let us know how you are doing and to provide any tidbits of wisdom to make us better writers.
I won’t take you off my list of blogs I check frequently.
And, I will miss you.
You've been a great inspiration and prodder to this writer--and I can't count the times I've spewed various beverages out my nose...Thank you, Thank you. (and Thanks for the sticky keyboard too.)
Shit. I mean, shit. Did I say shit? What I meant was shit.
Aw, shit.
Nooooooo!!! How will I survive without my daily dose of Snarkitude?
*sob*
You will be sorely missed. Thank you for all the words of wisdom. May the future bring good things to you and KY!
Thank you Miss Snark. Thanks especially for leaving up the blog so we can refer to it in the future.
You are priceless and will be missed!
This is dreadful news. :(
Of all the "online writing/agenting gurus," you alone have profoundly affected my writing.
Dear Miss Snark,
I've been a lurking Snarkling almost the whole two years. You have taught me so very much and made me snicker, snort, and guffaw in the process. I've even read some of your posts to my husband and dinner guests--they were that good. The service you have rendered to all of us is unmeasurable.
I'll miss you.
And I'll keep my fingers crossed that you'll return to Blogland or write your own book about this cyber trip.
My best to you, KY, and all the Snark family.
(raises glass)
"Two million cheers for Miss Snark!"
Oh, dear. I can't even put together a coherent sentence.
The average level of nitwittery will rise. Clue guns will fall into disuse. Publishing will lapse into its pre-Snark state.
We should all take a moment to mourn.
I'm brokenhearted, and so glad to have been here for some of your wonderful run. Thanks for leaving the blog up. I'll refer to it often. I've read every post, including the snarkives.
They say when one door closes another opens. I hope this is true for us all. Congratulations, Miss Snark, on what you've achieved and on getting your life back. Thank you for sharing with us.
Noooo! I only started reading a few months ago!
But you are entitled to have a life. And I understand that. Know that you will be missed. A lot. Especially by me.
Have a great rest of your life,
VD
PS: word verification: o god don go
The one morning I don't start out with Miss Snark and I see THIS? Oh sadness. You most definitely will be missed.
Word verification: piewsudx seems appropriate somehow.
btw, this should be filed under "aw, hell." Not "housekeeping."
Is this a joke? Please say it is. You just wanted a lil love for the weekend, yah??
Dear MS, I will miss you. You're a model of intelligence, generousity, and emotional stamina. I'm very grateful for all I have learned here.
Now please say it's a joke.
All of a sudden, the melodic tune of K.C. and the Sunshine Band enters the space between her ears...puhlease don't go
(BTW: we won't think less of you if you play an Oprah Book Club-like return on us in future).
I went through withdrawal when Imus left the airwaves. Now I am going to be REALLY bummed out.
I got my daily dose of morning snark from old scrotum face himself, and then I had the comfort of knowing I could get Miss Snarked all day long, almost every day, and learn stuff, to boot...
And I was always laughing. And laughter is key, especially if you live in the down and dirty world of kids' books and celebrity "authors."
Oy. What a dark and dreary spring this is turning out to be.
So maybe now you'll write that novel about the Clooney chasin', tough talkin' , poodle pushin' chick in heels who takes no prisoners in the world of publishing.
Best wishes!
Thank you for two great years.
Your blog has been the single most educational and enjoyable resource I've found, as well as my favorite daily site stop. Thank you for all you've done, and for leaving the archives.
I've never teared up over a blog before. I knew agents could make writers cry, but this...
May happiness, gin, and fabulous clients come your way forever more.
And juicy meats to KY.
Aw, man.
You'll be missed.
Dear Miss Snark,
I still consider it a point of honor that I made you laugh with my Pynchon haiku.
It's thanks to you I found agentquery & retoooled "Absurdities" for submission.
You have a place of honor on my bookmarks bar. I'm torn between two quotes:
"And so I close, realizing that the end has not yet been written") (Myst)
or
"So long, and thanks for all the fish."
Sincerely,
Greg
There is only one curse word foul enough to befit such stinkin' rotten news: SARF. (Sh-t-ass-rat-f-ck).
But first, thank you MS and KY, for the hours of diversion and entertainment when what I really should have been doing was writing. You're an enabler, but a fun one.
You know you just really want more time to watch The Wire DVDs. All you had to do was say so.
Have you considered the withdrawal you yourself are going to go through? It will not be pretty -- writing posts in Notepad just to keep from getting DTs.
Now I must go drown myself in a gallon of ice cream.
Thank you. What more can I say?
I agree. You've had a great run and I appreciate your attention.
Now, all someone has to do is edit the entries and come out with a book!
That would be a suitable way to close this puppy out.
And thank you again.
Just checking in to see if you've changed your mind yet.
Guess not.
I'll go back to crying in my appletini now.
We love you Miss Snark! If I knew your address, I'd send a crate of gin and a box of bones for Killer Yapp.
Very good job and we will all miss you.
There is not much I can add that hasn't been said on here, but I feel obliged to add my two cents.
THANK YOU and I hope all your kind and charitable work return tenfold for you. Yes, Dezspite the snark in your voice you truly provided a service to us writers. Thanks.
Oh no! I was an early adopter of your blog. For nearly the last 2 years I've read it several times a day. What am I going to do without my Snark fix? I'm going into Snark withdrawal already.
Thanks, Miss Snark. Best of luck in all your endeavors.
Thank you so very much. May the sun always shine on the 212.
A. Woodwork Snarkling
Running off with Clooney?
You'll be missed!
Aw shucks. Parting is such sweet sorrow. Pass the gin.
O... farewell to Rabbitania
That Snark-bound land;
May Her clue-gun long and fearsome be;
When I'm far away on the publishing shoals,
Will She ever light Her hair on fire for me?
Will She ever light Her hair on fire for me?
[sobbing softly into my newfie screech for a safe harbour now lost to me forever, I float away on waves of briny tears into the unknown and unkind waters of the cyber-ocean]
JEB
Me: here.
Rug: there.
Good luck on your next gig, whatever that may be.
I hope everything's okay in Snarkville. Know that thousands of writers are wishing you well.
You are irreplaceable, and you changed a lot of lives, mine included. If I avoid major nitwittery along the road to getting published and beyond, it will be largely because of you.
Thank you.
I'm coming out of lurkdom to say thanks, thanks, and thanks.
Thank you so much for everything. You will be missed.
Thank you soooo much for the inspiration to begin my book.
I read as others collected various kinds of clueguns, cluebats & outright clues and I've learned from them.
This blog gave me the courage to try it myself, because if the worst that could happen was someone saying "no", well piffle, that's no big deal. I'm still breathing right?
Thanks again,
Bill Bolton
Longmont, CO
Thanks so much for all you've done, Miss Snark. You'll be truly missed.
Thank you-you helped me make a tricky decision about my career and here I am now, new agent, NY publishing deal...
please don't go!
I've often wondered how you managed to run such a terrific blog and (I assume) a great agency. Thanks for all your time and advice, including the shots from the clue gun! (I'm going to huddle in the corner now, sweating and shaking, in withdrawal from my daily dose of snark.)
oh dear dog--this has been one of my 'check every day' sites and I have learned SO much. Thank you for two years of wonderful advice, straight shooting, and of course Killer Yapp. Best wishes to you, Grandmother Snark, and George (since we all know he'll be calling you any day now. :)
Oh no!!! Miss Snark, we'll all miss you. Thank you so much for all your wonderful advice; you've done so much for so many.
I am sure that I am one of many, who while never commented, visited often and learned more than I can properly express or thank you for.
Your candid advice, your intelligence, your sense of humor and your dedication to all things books will be sorely missed. There will be an empty space in all writing communities now where you used to be, ready to offer advice and clue guns as necessary.
More than your advice, I will miss your presence, which despite all your claims to the contrary, is one of the kindest I have found on the blogosphere. Blunt honesty in your case has definitely been it’s own form of kindness and encouragement.
So thank you for everything! We will miss you!
I wish you all the best with your future endeavors and may they all be as resounding a success as this one.
-Aly
Like the nearly 300 commenters before me, I'll miss you -- your inspiration, your belief in us, your fearlessness, your honesty, and even your dreaded clue gun.
Thanks for a great ride!
Damn.
NO! NO! NO! NO! NO! NO!NO!
I am throwing a tantrum.
I will kick and scream.
I am NOT amused.
Fine. Be that way. I'll just go sulk in a corner.
I have to echo all the comments above.
Thank you for the time you put into the blog and all the advice you have offered.
It sure has been an entertaining and educational read, a daily part of my web browsing routine and I am sure as hell going to miss reading this blog.
Again thanks for everything Miss Snark, and if you ever decide to compile all your helpful knowledge into a book I would be one of the first to buy it.
What!?!?!? Where am I going to get my writer's humor every morning??? Who else frequently uses the f-word to such levels of hilarity??
Regardless, you have been so appreciated and I, for one, will miss you.
Okay, I know they have a hard time reading human languages, so... if the squirrels are holding you hostage, BLINK TWICE.
Aw. Miss Snark, one day I'm going to query agents (widely!), and when I do, I will feel supremely more confident for all that you taught me. And I have also learned that, whatever mistakes I make, it's not the end of the world. (Particularly important for my personality type.) So thank you. I hope one day we learn who you really are so we know where to send the cards come Christmas.
And I hope you learned, too, that many of us really do appreciate a firm hand. You've made us stronger, not only as writers, but as people! And we will be eternally grateful.
(And my thanks as well to KY, without whose timely interventions we would be overrun by mailmen, squirrels, and WHATTHEHELLISTHATs. Good boy!)
Dammit, I should have taken advantage of that last Crapometer when I had the chance!
Undoubtedly, others will try to replace you and steal your thunder, but there is no one who can fill the void you'll leave Miss Snark.
Really, it's a shame some agent didn't stroll by and see all the wisdom here and offer you a major deal to write Getting Published For Dummies.
Thank you.
This seems so...sudden. Did I miss a clue somewhere?
Miss Snark, you will be SO missed. You leave behind a a great many better informed writers, but also a gaping hole in the blogosphere that no one can fill.
"Their mouths will hang open a minute or two, then the Whos down in Whoville will all cry...."
and us, too.
Take care.
*sniff*
So sad....
wanders off to find a black armband
I'll miss you! I've been mostly a lurker but I've been daily to read, laugh, learn, and oh yes even shake with fear at times.
I too hope that you and Killer Yapp will rise again.
You've taught us much with your snarky wisdom. For that I say thank you, thank you. You will be missed.
Perhaps a summer vacation would do?
I hope so.
Oh Miss Snark, say it isn't so.
You have done such a service to the writing community, all out of the goodness of your snarky little heart.
Lounging Labrador and I will miss you very much. Thanks for the invaluable education.
As my dear old Grandpa used to say (or some version thereof):
May the road rise up to meet you, may the wind always be at your back, and may you get to Heaven half an hour before the devil knows you're dead.
Happy trails to you, Miss Snark!
With props to Wille Wordsworth (while my own grief presently prevents me from concentrating on the dirge I dedicate to you, in due time, I will post again this very night):
She lived unknown, and few could know
When Miss Snark ceased to be;
But she is in her grave, and oh,
The difference to me!
Yike!
(Thanks)
Holy crap-o-meter!
Miss Snark,
Oh, this can't be true! I've gained so much from you; it's been great being able to ask questions and receive answers from someone in the industry.
I'm so sorry to see you leave. Thank you for everything.
Nooooooooooooooo! Don't go!
(But thank you for such a wonderful, insightful and snarky blog. You will be missed.)
One of the benefits of a mortal existence is that we can put life's moments in their proper perspective. You have been more than generous. It was a blessing to see the other side of the slush pile, indeed. Be well and happy.
I'm real sorry to see you go Miss Snark. This has been a daily blog stop for me. And I've often linked to one of your helpful posts.
May George Clooney land on your doorstop with chocolate and the best bottle of gin on the planet.
Mir
Gutted
Wishing you amny many best sellers on your client list.
When I sell my first book, and I will, I'll attribute it to what I've learned here, in much laughter, with you and the snarklings, and last but not least Killer Yapp
I, for one, will definitely miss you.
I am glad you are keeping the blog up. I have decided, after being exposed to a writer friend of mine and your blog, to write a book! I will reference your site in times ahead when the book is finished and it's time to try to get it published!
A bone for Killer Yapp, some really excellent gin, and my highest regards,
Amy
I'm crying. I'll miss you. Thank you for your generosity. You've made the world a better place.
You've broken my heart.
To be dumped without warning after 2 years of faithful devotion to your every word. I am bereft.
Thank you for everything. For all the good you have done, good karma will return thousand fold back to you. I think you are a wonderful human being and I will miss your wit every day for the rest of my life.
Ello
Damn, this makes me really sad. I've only been a visitor for the past few months, but yours was probably the only RSS feed I followed very closely. I was going to submit a question which I don't think you've answered before, too. :(
At least I've got the archives to read through.
Whaaaat?????? I go out for one lousy day to shop in Toronto and this happens? Was it me?
This is a sad day.
We'll miss you.
I feel sad already. Thanks for leaving up the blog. It will help me get through the withdrawal pains.
*sniff*
I felt a great disturbance in the Snark, as if millions of voices suddenly cried out in terror and were suddenly silenced.
Your Wonderful Snarkness,
I will miss your knowledge of the publishing industry, along with your delightful sense of humor. Please know that you have made a positive difference in the world. Dog bless you!
I guess I should be glad that I will no longer be tempted to read Miss Snark instead of getting my work done, but...
OH, NOOOOOOOO!!!!!
Miss Snark,
I haven't often posted in the comments section of your blog; this is largely due to holding either my infant or toddler (or both) while I am online, which makes typing difficult. However, I love what you've done with this blog and I just wanted to tell you:
Since I discovered your blog well over a year ago, I made it my homepage. I will definitely miss seeing your snarky comments first thing when I get online from now on.
Thanks for everything!
Rachel Dryden
Dear Miss Snark,
As one of the first to discover you, I would like to thank you.
As always,
I heart Killer Yapp
And just when I was going to link to you on MY blog...
Thank you for calling my crapometer entry a "spun-sugar gimmick." That was exactly what I was going for, even if you didn't mean it as a compliment!
The blogosphere will not be the same without you, and neither will the snarklings, now doomed to our own dubious devices.
Free at last! Thank dog almighty, you are free at last. Very best wishes.
I'm a newcomer to your blog, Miss Snark, but after having read all the previous posts (it took about two weeks of steady reading, too) I feel much more confident in tackling the industry should I ever finish my magnum opus. Thank you for your wit, your charm, and yes, your snarkiness. I feel sure your blog will live on in perpetuity for countless nitwits to peruse and, hopefully, learn from. All Hail Miss Snark!
Oh, and P.S., Miss Snark... write the Book of Snark!!! Your expertise and insight need to be documented for posterity!
I'll miss your insight and frank wisdom.
:-)
Be well.
Well, rats. I guess us snarkling birds are being pushed out of the nest. Ouch. Don't wanna go.
Guess we owe it to Miss Snark to do some flying. Or at least some heavy duty flapping in the attempt!!!!
Thanks for everything, Miss Snark. XOXOXO
Don't cry because it's over. Smile because it happened. ~Theodor Seuss Geisel
You've brought many smiles. Here's looking at you, Miss Snark.
I'll miss you. Thanks for everything.
I have learned much, been endlessly amused, and am forever grateful for your tireless work. Checking your blog daily will be a hard habit to break.
Thank you for all you have done for us.
For the rest of my life, whenever I see a movie with George Clooney, I'll think of you and raise a glass. :)
Wow...this is HUGE news. I'm definitely going to miss this blog. You're advice has been extremely helpful to all of us.
NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!
ok altho i can totally understand why you might want to retire,
NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!
it's been such an enlightenment and a pleasure to read your blog, miss snark. and you are due a zillion karmic points for your uncompensated advice to us newbies.
you will be truly missed...
I've never commented before but, before you leave, you should know to add another aspiring author to the roll call of those you've mentored.
Thank you.
But a slip of light stays:
I too have learned a lot, as much if not more about my writing passion as about the details of the craft. I've been snarky myself-- most of my few comments haven't seen the light of day- but I greatly appreciate your time, effort, intelligence, kindness and humor. I remember you like Jane.
Three Times My Life Has Opened
by Jane Hirshfield, published in The Lives of the Heart
Three times my life has opened.
Once, into darkness and rain.
Once, into what the body carries at all times within it and starts
to remember each time it enters the act of love.
Once, to the fire that holds all.
These three were not different.
You will recognize what I am saying or you will not.
But outside my window all day a maple has stepped from her leaves
like a woman in love with winter, dropping the colored silks.
Neither are we different in what we know.
There is a door. It opens. Then it is closed. But a slip of light
stays, like a scrap of unreadable paper left on the floor,
or the one red leaf the snow releases in March.
(apologies to Jane for the formatting)
Dear, dear Miss Snark,
Thank you. You gave me hope.
No matter what happens with my writing, I will forever be able to tell myself, "Yes, all right, but Miss Snark said she loved my crapometer pages. Miss Snark said they were perfection on toast points. I must be a writer."
Where can we send flowers? Or perhaps contributions to a favorite charity? Think of all the good that could result from an outpouring by bereft but grateful snarklings. Let us know.
*toddling off to the snarkorphanage now... whimper*
Oh my. I'm late getting here to see this, but I'll miss you something fierce!!
Please know how much I appreciate everything you've done for us writers and the help you've so freely given. I wish you the best of luck and much happiness.
Oh, Miss Snark, no! *sniff* But--but--you haven't labeled me a nitwit yet and you told me to keep trying! Whoever will call me a nitwit now?
*Sigh* Alright, if you must go, know this. You truly did help me and I attribute the fact that I'm getting published early next year because of you. (Never mind the fact you don't *do* romance!)
Give Killer Yapp my love and here is a pail of my finest gin. We love you!!!
The selfish part of me says, but I'm not done enjoying Miss Snark!
But if you really mean it (sniff) then please know that I've had untold hours of pleasure and information from reading your blog. When I hear from aspiring authors, I always direct them to Miss Snark. I still will, but gee (sob) I am really going to miss your wit and insight.
Best of luck and thanks. Really, really thanks.
Dear dog. May George Clooney stalk you in places other than your dreams.
Thanks for all that you've done for writers everywhere.
I'll miss the updates, but I'll console myself with re-reading the archives.
Over and over. *sniff*
God's work, you did, Miss Snark. You saved many hours of many thousands of writers and editors and agents, and you gave up your own hours to do so. Many thanks indeed.
Thank you! You've blessed us in many ways.
Yikes! I finally did some actual writing today, holding off checking in until I finished five pages. And look what happened in my absence (in the name of self-discipline.) I have never commented before, choosing to learn from the other nitwits and ducking the clue gun, but you have helped me so much.
Thank you--two million plus hits later. I will miss you more than Seinfeld.
Best of everything to you!
I've been reading your blog but not commenting for some time. I just wanted to say that I've learned a lot, and am now less of a nitwit than I might have been.
All the best,
Scott
You will be missed. No doubt.
Over 300 posts on a Saturday?
I think this means Miss Snark should reconsider. Otherwise, she will surely be responsible for an international epidemic of despair, despondence and, yes, I'll say it -downright nitwittery.
Has Miss Snark considered downsizing rather than retiring? Couldn't she eliminate email replies and simply post periodically on her thoughts and the industry in general?
She could at least wean us off gradually. Cold turkey is too cruel by far.
I'm only a relative newbie to your blog... Only discovered it about 4 months ago.... But it is one of only about 4 site that I actually keep up with. You've given us all so much help and inspiration. I'm glad at least that I'll still have the joy of going through the snarkives and discovering new information.
Thank you. We're all better writers because of you.
*hugs* to KY.
A sad surprise ending.
I'll miss you. Thanks for the gift of your advice, and you can add me to the list of those who would love to see new occasional blog commentary.
Thank you.
I recommended your blog to so many people, and I will continue to do so. You are the best (and most honest) writing resource on the web, or hell, probably better than most if not all books.
If I get published, it will at least be in part because of you.
You will be missed.
Word verification: gnivzwkv - the state of being so overcome and bereft that one can no longer form real words
I miss a couple days - and the world ends! Please let this be your evil twin. And I know better than anhyone one about... eveil twins...
*Runs to check calendar to see if it's April 1.*
No. No! You were my first friend in the writing world! I will be forever proud to state that I got torn to shreds in your crap-o-meter.
You're awesome. I've often wondered how you managed it all...Clooney, blog, agent, KY, Grandmother Snark, Clooney, conferences, Clooney.
We'll miss you.
Miss Snark, if there's any chance you will change your mind, please don't retire.
But if you must, I have to thank you for the guidance and directions. This is one of the few blogs I check every day, and I will miss you.
May you have Clooney wishes and gin dreams.
You will be missed.
I just checked in with my (still soggy) evil twin - and he checked with the Evil Twin network - and sure enough - this is the work of... Miss Snark's evil twin. She has temporarily taken over the blog while the real Miss Snark is being held hostage in Winslow Arizona by the Crapometer.
Thank you for being there when I decided to try my hand at fiction.
I'm still a "nitwit". But -- If I ever get the distinction between a query and a synopsis through my thick skull, you will be partly responsible.
Thank you again for making it all so funny.
I have to say, I am depressed.
Will we miss you? Does a poodle have fleas?
This is the most significant event in the arts since Gary Larson retired in 1995.
Maybe more so.
wtf!
NOOOOOOOOOOOO!
No! No! No!
Pleeeeeeze no!
::sniffle::
Please with a gin bucket on top?
There aren't a lot of blogs for writers that are truly useful. This is one of them.
I've been here almost every day since I found you about six months ago. I guess I will start at the beginning and read it all over again...and again...like my favourite book.
I learned a lot :) Thanks.
Miss Snark,
I hope that even in your retirement from regular blogging that if something makes me want to grab your clue gun that you'll share your insights with us Snarklings.
Similarly, should you want to share with us your thoughts on the Authors Guild/Simon & Schuster dust-up that you will do so. Or anything else from the publishing world.
I understand if you do not wish to continue to be inundated with questions that were answered in one form or another 6 months ago.
Even if we only hear from you two or three times a month, it still would be better than if you were to leave us completely.
I'll still have your feed in my Google Reader in the hopes of some new witticism coming my way.
Thank you for everything that you have done and continue to do for writers and the writing community at-large.
Miss Snark,
You are one of a kind and will be sorely missed. Thank you for all you've done.
Ack! You can't retire, where will I get my advice, or my dorky amusement or all of the wonderful things this blog does for me! I'd just started reading, too...
Well I'll miss you and KY. *tear*
Hoping to sneak in here before she shuts the comments off.
I'm going to miss Miss Snark most of all because she's a funny writer with an incredibly quick mind, able to drop references from art and literature next to potboilers and old TV, and do it all unpretentiously and without regard to how many readers understand the references in the first place.
Do you have any idea how many times I read something obscure here and believed that no more than four of us could possibly have gotten that reference, and felt grateful? Do you have any idea how few people can riff like that?
Only good stuff should happen to you, Miss Snark. And if that means your practice grows fabulously successful and your private life fabulously rewarding, well, of course the blog must go.
You done good.
I'm an irregular reader who has enjoyed this blog whenever I've checked in but won't die without it.
This retirement announcement strikes me as cruel and manipulative. Like you didn't see this outpouring of love coming? Please. If you'd told me what you were planning a week ago, I would have bet my entire savings account on the occurrence of precisely what has occurred.
You've created a relationship with your readers and now you're dumping them. Yeah, yeah, you didn't know how time-consuming it would be and nothing that's happened over the past two years clued you in? Fine, whatever.
Choosing the Big-Deal Swan Song over the not-such-a-big-deal cutback in posts guarantees you a lot of fond farewells, but it's still as manipulative when you do as when Sinatra or Cher or name-your-cult-following-has-been did it. It's a transparent call for protests and "we love you's." If you need the "we love you's" that badly, fine - take 'em and go. But it's still a shitty, manipulative, disingenuous way to handle it.
FOAD
Definitely time to hang it up!
Ditto on the last 351 comments.
To "Somebody might as well say it said..." :
Sounds like sour grapes to me. You wouldn't know altruism if it hit you in the face. One can only be selfless for so long before something has to give.
I'd say Miss Snark has more than earned her retirement; her saying so on her blog wasn't as calculating as you make it out to be. She knew we'd all worry if she just dropped out of sight. This way we know she's healthy, happy, and still snarking away in the real world.
It's been fun checking in each morning for the stiletto heel dawn chorus of nails struck on heads.
Let's just hope the Nitwittery-R-Us franchise doesn't sneak into the vacuum you'll be leaving behind....
I've learned so much from you. I've found amazing authors through your posts and comments. I have a whole new appreciation for gin not in relation to tonic with a twist of lime. And I will miss your daily wisdom and general snarkiness (and occasionally specialized snarkiness as well).
My husband says that he hopes this means he'll get a bit more attention, but I'm hoping that KY will use this opportunity to update his blog.
We miss you already.
Awww--I just found you! Oh well, at least I'll still be able to read the archives. :) Thank you for leaving them up--a wealth of vital information indeed. You will be sorely missed.
I've loved reading your blog. Your voice is fantastic and will be sorely missed.
I've been lurking for over a year now. Daily reading, laughing, and learning. I will miss you and your humor with your pithy takes on writing, agenting, and publishing.
For the two years, the caring, modeling your respect for literature, writers, and agents...and readers, for so much more...
Thank you.
Even my MS is wearing black right now...I have sent a keg of gin to KY via his mistress...look for it in the mail.
*crying...* WTF am I going to do without the clue gun?
You have been great and the four letters you answered of mine helped me dearly.
I hope you are leaving for reasons of wanting to be free of the stuff that bogs your days down instead of something more serious.
Will deeply miss you.
Please know how very much your blog has meant to so many of us who want to become published authors. Each minute you spent on it was a blessing to us. Your humor brightened our days and your knowledge guided us in our writing. May dog bless you richly.
Nicole Gibeaut
By the time this comment gets moderated through, I imagine "somebody might as well say it" will have gone down in a gin-feulled wall of flame, but here's my two cents.
If you are an infrequent visitor, and you don't care whether she comes or goes, why comment at all? Are you jealous of the love? Or are you just a mean-spirited dipstick who can't let anything good be applauded without trying to turn it into something bad?
Butt out. Go comment to people who care. We don't.
With sincerity, but absolutely no regard, Imelda (who isn't afraid to be identified as the author of my comments)
PS: btw, it should have been 'may' not 'might' in your pseudonym - but you aren't interested in helpful advice, offered freely, are you? My mistake.
Thank you, Miss Snark and Killer Yap. You'll live forever in my heart and my hard drive.
xxx
Well, now we all have to get snarkier to take up the slack. No wait, some of us are already on a fine edge of snarky...
But we *do* all need to stock up on cluegun ammo. If you haven't yet, grab some boxes, people. We'll all need to shoot ourselves sooner or later.
For talking about the business of stories, and the love of them, with joy and wit, and ever refusing to lie about it, you will be remembered, Miss Snark.
When I do something silly, something most sane people wouldn't notice, and yet I want to curl in a ball of pointless shame and hyperventilate, instead I say "I am my own nitwit. I am my own nitwit every day." And, strangely, I feel better.
More than contracts or Clooney, I think the best thing to take away from this blog is the visceral certainty that you'll screw up. But you can do better tomorrow.
Thanks so much for two fantastic years. Not sure how I'll spend my procrastination time now.
Could someone please pass the gin pail?
You know that phrase "I can't thank you enough"? I always thought that was a cheesy cliche, but it's true - I really can't thank you enough for how much you've helped me with my writing and - of course - for all the times you've made me laugh until whatever I was drinking came out of my nose. Thank you.
Wow... 'Somebody Might As Way Say It'... needs to have his meds checked...
This alter ego of yours will be missed. Thanks for all.
Going to miss you terribly, Miss S...you already know that.
Might you be stopping by once in a great while, just to say hello to us all?
Aw man! I JUST started reading your blog, and now you're retiring! Well, needless to say, I'll miss you Miss. Snark! And all your snarkyness. :3 Your words and "voice" will be truly, TRULY missed!
It takes great courage to move on and I wish you all the best. You've given us so much - now do what's right for you.
Thank you for everything.
~ Elizabeth
Ah, Miss Snark, please ignore the assholes. Some people just can't stand love.
*THUD*
I don't know whether to give you a standing ovation, and shower you with roses, or ask for a moment of silence.
You already know how very much I'll miss you. I haven't cried this much since I had to slice the onions while on kitchen duty with Grandmother Snark. Blessings on your path, wherever it takes you, and those of Grandmother Snark, and Killer Yapp, too.
Thanks. I learned so much here.
Good luck, MS!
Oh! Your blog has been a complete addiction - the first thing I look at when I go to my computer . . . the best fun and the best information.
Big big thanks from an Aussie lurker . . . (sniff). (And how will we know what KY is up to? It's like coming to the end of a great novel.)
If it weren't for your Crapometer this December, I never would've written Trevor & the Tooth Fairy and found my writing niche. When you requested follow-up pages and gave your encouragement on that and the initial hook, you zapped me out of my multi-month writing slump and the words just poured from my fingers. In fact, the response to the queries for my completed story has been great, and I thank you and the Crapometer for my success with that! You really are an inspiration. You'll be missed.
Erica Ridley
Will miss you! Will miss you!! Will miss you !!!
*big sigh*
Z.
Aw hell indeed! Just as I'd discovered this great blog. Come back, do.
Noooooooo! Please, not gone away gone! How about one blog a week? Is there a Snark patch? Cold Turkey sucks.
I will miss you.
Thanks for good advice given with good entertainment. I'll miss you and I'll be sending students and writing proteges to your archives for year to come.
Dear Miss Snark,
You were always my favorite daily addiction. Thanks for the memories.
Faye
What I learned from Miss Snark:
I learned what query letters are, what synopsis's are, and the difference between them.
I learned how to tell a scammer from reputable agents.
I learned of P&E, Bat Segundo, and more other places and people than I can count.
I learned that checking through a novel five times for errors is not just reasonable, but recommended.
I learned personal notes were encouragement, but that no two agents are exactly alike so if no two comments agree don't change much.
I learned when I should start going to writers conferences and what not to do there.
I learned that nothing matters so much as writing well, and querying widely.
Thank you so much, Miss Snark. For all that I listed above, and for the things that can't be named- but are worth far more.
And please- check in with us every now and then, every month or so tell us how you're doing and accept a few comments on it, and if the nitwits thicken again start anew.
Dammit, this really sucks. We get one straight shooter who is able tell her ass from a hole in the ground and she just goes off in the blog sunset.
Yeah, it's selfish of me. So, what?
That's a sad day.
Thanks for all the help you've given me - mostly unnoticed by you, since I read much more than I commented.
All the best for you, Miss Snark.
- Firlefanz
DON'T leave us. Who else can give the smackdown WWW advice like you?
I'll miss you too.
Thanks so much for the fun, the laughs and the smackdown.
xo Future Famous Writer
I've been querying agents and editors for thirteen years. Have the rejections to proove it. This time I found one who works in my genre. Wonder of wonder, where did I learned that? I did not tell this editor where I went to school, how many children I have, or what I like to do in my spare time. I told her where I heard about her and why I thought she might like my novel. Miss Stark's words were not wasted on me. In the first of the eight pages I sent with the query, I killed off a character and set the scene for more mayhem to come. Straight from the crapometer. Now, what do I do if she buys the novel? How will I thank you? You will be gone.
'Thank you, Miss. Snark' - I'm sure many authors will have reason to put those words in their acknowledgements over the coming years.
All the best.
NO! NO, tell me it isn't so!
I don't care if you have said it before. I like listening to the Snark.
Maybe just more ruthless pruning of the email?
Throw out every third message unopened?
EE is great, but he isn't the Snark.
Please don't go. Sob!
We'll still love you if you post less often. We'll still love you if you answer few emails. Please, don't leave us without the light of your flaming hair to guide us.
No, just no ... whimper ...
Beth
WAAAAILLLLL.
You are top notch, MS.
Best to you, KY and Grandmother Snark.
snif.
A heartfelt thanks for all your help, Miss Snark. You have made a tremendous difference for me!
If it is true that 'what goes around comes around', you've got some really good stuff headed your way after the generous and entertaining way you've shared yourself and your knowledge through this blog.
Danke, Frau Snark. (I do hope that was right-I don't actually have any fluency in German whatsoever.) The site has been incredibly useful. You'll be missed.
Thank you so much for all you've done here - I've learnt an enormous amount, and the entertainment value has been huge too.
Thank you for leaving the blog up. I agree with the poster who asks that you visit us from time to time - maybe you can surprise us with a pithy comment now and then when something in publishing cyberspace is in particular need of your cluegun?
Thanks.
I admire you, Miss Snark, for going when you felt your work here was done and for not just hanging on, basking in the adulation of the Snarklings (and, yes, I am one). I learned a lot from you, and will forever be grateful.
Wow. I'm so sad to see you go. I only started reading about a month ago, and your blog has been a great source of help and inspiration. (I send writers your way all the time.) I'd save up the day's posts on your blog for sort of a treat at the end of each day.
I wish you and Killer Yap many snarky adventures (hopefully with Mr. Clooney)
We'll miss the Snark. Thanks so much, it's been an amazing learning experience. Enjoy George, and give KY a pat for me.
Dear Miss Snark,
I went online this morning (coffee cup in hand) and there was the news (gasp!). And, finally, after 13 years of Catholic school, I stopped shuddering when I saw the word Satan. Thank you for all you've done. As a new writer, I would have committed countless acts of nitwitery without you and the bloggers. You created a whole community of writers who truly want to improve their craft and to better understand the publishing world. You're funny as hell too. You're so funny I had a couple of my co-workers reading your blog and they're not even writers. Good luck to you Miss Snark (Killer Yapp and Grandmother Snark too). We will miss you!
I've been reading you from your genesis! This was such a shock.
I participated in one of your first crapometers and your response was great and it carried me through to finish the damn thing. And then it sold big. You're in my acknowledgments, and I'm in your debt, dear Miss Snark.
Thanks for everything.
I prefer to think of the cluegun as a Zen master's kyosaku, the stick to beat enlightenment into recalcitrant souls. I certainly had a sense of query letter satori after reading about 500 hook entries over a 3 day period.
I second the motion that we all implore Miss Snark to make one last post on the Simon & Shuster contract changes.
Thank you, Miss Snark. Your time and effort are greatly appreciated. Not only have you have winnowed many gonnabees from the wannabees, your legacy shall be the litmus test for all who follow.
*twenty-one cluegun salute*
CAO
Later dude.
Yikesarooni. I ban myself for a few days to get a project back on schedule, and I return to THIS?!?!?! Tragic. If I promise to get my priorities straight, will you reconsider? You take some time to think about it, Miss S. -- I need to go apply some Cruzan Confusions to this wound - stat.
Best of luck...
Warmest wishes...
Your words have awakened us like a cold shower, and we are more educated writers because of them.
(Does my comment get a crapometer rating?)
Seriously, I wish you the best.
What shall I obsessively check for updates fifteen times a day now?
Hmmm... I guess I'll actually have to devote that time to writing now.
Thanks for a great ride.
Thanks for all of your wisdom, Miss Snark, and send my regards to Killer Yap.
I know it's been said 401 times already, but thank you for everything. You will be greatly missed.
Tay
Oh, dear dog, no, Miss Snark.
Thank you for giving so generously, for so long.
Hard to imagine a day without Miss Snark in it. Sigh.... sniff... umm... do you smell that? Is that smoke? Wait, no. It smells like--it is--burning hair!
NOOOOO!!!!!!!
The tribute video got me all weepy.
See my response: An Enormous Disturbance in The Force.
A million thanks for all you've done. I couldn't have gotten through last year without you.
There once was an agent named Snark
On whose feet a killer would bark
At a pail full of gin
(to drown nitwits in)
When the cluegun had lost all its spark.
*sigh*
I'm already having withdrawals. Could ya just throw something at my head one last time before I bury myself in the Snarkives?
There is nothing original that I can add to these 400+ comments, so I will just add the voice of profound gratitute and affection of yet another devoted Snarkling. You will be missed more than any of us can express. On the bright side, now that I'm not constanting reading your blog, maybe I'll actually get some writing done. We heart you and Killer Yapp and wish you an abundance of best-selling authors and slow squirrels!
Miss Snark, I just started reading your blog. It's fantastic. You're going to be missed. Snark on.
Steph B
Shoot and darn it, Miss Snark.
Thank you so much all you've done: for all the priceless information and fun, and for all the wonderful new writing friends I found here, too.
You'll be missed. A lot.
I'm terrified that I'll backslide into nitwittery without your constant companionship. My new mantra will have to be, "What would Miss Snark say if she found out I did THAT?"
I have a white and pink stuffed poodle guarding my writing desk. Hopefully this good luck charm will channel your wisdom.
May Snark Central prosper and bring the best of everything to you and Killer Yapp! Thanks for all your work over the years.
Tis a great thing you've done, Miss Snark. You should and better be damn proud of your work here. You input to the writer community will sure be missed...a lot. Best wishes to you. May your slush pile be mined for gold.
JDuncan
www.jimnduncan.com
Thank you for everything. You and the blog have been the best education in publishing that I've ever gotten.
Thank you again. You deserve a great long break and much gin.
I'm late because I was writing instead of spending time properly procrastinating. And now I find my favourite procrastination-time site is done :(
Fortunately, as a latecomer, I can still wander through the archives and see how past nitwits have been blasted. That should keep me occupied for some time yet.
So, if you're stopping, would you have any Snark-surplus clueguns for sale? I could use one on myself once in a while.
In the 6 months I've been here, I've gone from knowing nothing about publishing to ... well knowing a bit more than nothing. The point is, it's all thanks to you. I often wondered how you could find the energy to maintain this blog not to mention run contests and crapometers. If there's anyone who deserves a break it's you.
So enjoy, and thanks for all your help. Hope I can do you proud someday.
Oh wow. Having just discovered your great snarkness, I feel very sad indeed! Thanks so much for giving your time and input so generously. I WILL MISS YOU!
Coming back from a weekend away to hear the sad news.
You have been such a help--and not just with your practical/agent wisdom (which has been amazing) --but also your attitude. Tough, as in, don't wallow, suck it up.....and tender as in, don't give up, have faith, keep going.
A perfect balance.
You are probably right, you have said it all. Kudos to you for recognizing this and not Jumping the Snark. :)
Wish you loads of continued success and happiness....and a pleasant detox from the blog.
Once a Snarkling, always a Snarlking.
Thank you for all you've done.
For the record, I plan to go through a long denial stage where I re-read every post in chronological order, pretending they are all completely new.
Goodbye Miss Snark and thank you for everything.
/Sara
Aaaaaaargh!
No. This is not allowed.
Oh, Miss Snark.
Scrolling through all of the comments, I can't help but think of countless children clapping their hands to keep Tink alive.
Is there anything your desolation of Snarklings can do to keep you around, even part time?
If not, best wishes and many thanks. I'll miss you.
WHAT!!!???
Well that's just PERFECT!
So tellme, little Miss 'Aider of the Lost' Snark, what am I gonna do with all these gin flavored SASE's?
This is my very sad bunion face.
>;-*
Thanks Miss Snark. For you, [I]The Last Idol[/I]:
"Dan Lazar will be crushed," said the poodle between cigar chomps.
"Well he can kiss my stilettos," she drawled, "Pass me the pail and the picture of George. I'm going to spend more time, uh, ruminating on how to find the next Reacher novel, the next snazzy franchise in the making."
"What'll I tell them?"
"Feed 'em moonbeams. Tell them I've died in a helicopter crash. Tell them I was swallowed by an angry griffin. I don't care - I've retired."
The magic poodle packed his bag the next day and went looking for the next literary soul in need.
Well, bless your gin pail and stilettos. Your assaults with the cluegun have straightened me right up. I guess when the students are ready, the teacher disappears.
Keep after Clooney, though, he's a keeper.
Regards to Killer Yap . . .
Thanks for everything, Miss Snark! I will miss you - we all will!!
Now I must find some other blog to keep me sane at work...
There's no way to express in words how large an impact your blog has had on the publishing world, dear Miss Snark. While not everyone was suited to hearing the truth beneath the snark, those snarklings who have benefited are many.
We are all richer for your generous outlay of time and expertise and you will be sorely missed on the web. I wish you nothing but happiness, a full pail of gin and the deserved adoration of Mr. Clooney for your future. (((((HUGS!)))))
Cathy Clamp
I feel a sense of bereavement...who else will give a well-timed wtf or cause me to yell "snarkination!" at my WIP?
I will have to find a different site to browse as I eat my breakfast.
Thank you, Miss Snark, for giving so much. I join with the others in expressing how MUCH you helped me navigate the tricky world of publishing.
Will it seem crazy that I want to set my hair on fire, name a location in my newest novel Rabbitania, and even spring for a copy of Space Ark! out of nostalgia?
This hurts a little.
You will be missed.
WTF?!!!
Wow. Next you're going to tell me there is no Dog.
Thanks for all the laughs and the clues.
I wish you the best.
Gosh, I hate goodbyes.
Reaches for tissues...
Long time reader, first time commenter.
Thank you, for all the advice and the how-tos and, you know, taking the time in the first place.
Gonna miss you and this blog...but won't forget all the Snarkish advice.
Thanks again, and best wishes, and may your gin pail never run dry.
Miss Snark kept me from looking like a complete idiot in front of a lot of people - and she didn't tell anyone about my moron plan. I owe her big time for that and she can call in the marker anytime she desires.
My daily routine was put the kids on the bus, turn on the computer, and write my thousand words. Then it was time for lunch, reading e-mail, and catching up on Snark. It was sort of a reward, you see.
Lunch will never, ever be the same.
Thank you for two wonderful years, Miss Snark.
I can't help but say I'm seriously sad. So I'll add my name to ask you to reconsider some sort of compromise and to go and read the book "4 Hour Work Week". (http://www.amazon.com/4-Hour-Workweek-Escape-Live-Anywhere/dp/0307353133)
That's for letting me be a quiet observer, occasional commenter, and letting me ask a question or two you found time to answer.
Kimi
talechasing.com
Miss Snark, you have provided not only a valuable service, but you kept it entertaining. Can't ask for much more than that. Thank you.
I'm bereft. What will I do every day when I turn on my computer? Oh right. I'll write. But my day will be less snarkful. Or is that snarkless? It's a black day.
Wow... I've enjoyed watching you in action. You'll be missed.
xoLaurelSnyder
http://kidliterary.blogspot.com/
Thank you from the bottom of my heart. You recommended my agent, she signed me and we sold it. THANK YOU. You have made a difference in my life.
bye...
sigh...
and thank you SO MUCH.
all the best,
Leanne
Thanks for the entertainment and the agent's perspective. Great good wishes to you.
This is my first post to your blog. I only found you a few months ago but have read your posts every day since. I will miss your snarkiness and the community you created.
Best wishes.
Thanks. I'll miss your daily advice and humor. Now I can get back to writing.
Sue, who is posting anon as she can't be bothered to remember her new googleblogon
PS - The advice was great and will be used, and referenced, in years to come. Again, thanks.
What more can I say that the hundreds before me haven't already written?
You are certainly going out on top.
Thank you for the good advice and many laughs.
As a long-time reader of your blog, I just wanted to say...
Thanks for all your fabulous advice.
It's been a great run.
You'll be missed!
Pamor
Miss Snark said...
FOAD
This is EXACTLY why I'll miss you so much.
Word veri's like wcxklmbvp...not so much.
OMG! I'm late to the sobfest. But that's because I was at the ER on mother's day (that would be this side of the date line, when it was still Saturday your time)and confined to bed rest for days. So I'm only now just checking in. And I wondered where the comment button went to, and then I got to the "retiring" part. NO-O-O-O.
Well, good luck.
Sure hope you keep busy. According to my dd, I'm not old because I'm too busy to be old. Only old people have leisure time. So if you find yourself having time to spare, come back to the blog. We will welcome you eagerly.
Thanks for all the thrills. Better watch out, though, for the return to nitwittery that's bound to happen now that we're no longer in fear of your snarky whip.
Go away to a writers' conference, and this is what happens. That will teach me to go four days without surfing the net and stopping by Miss Snark's.
There is a Snark-shaped hole in cyberspace.
And in our hearts.
No one will ever fill your stilettos.
Miss Snark, I've enjoyed procrasting on your blog. You will be missed by many, including me. Enjoy your retirement from the Blogosphere.
May your slush pile be NitWit Free, may your gin pail be ever full, and may you always remember that we Snarklings Heart Miss Snark.
(sniffle, sniffle)
Susan Gable
I've been with you since post number 6. I'm sorry to see you go and will always try to remember your words of wisdom!
So long.
I'm just adding one more voice saying "thanks for everything" and "you will be missed." Truly enjoyed the blog and learned a lot.
Miss Snark,
Thanks for EVERYTHING!
When it comes to retirement, I hope you do better than Roger Clemens. But if you don't, we'll all be waiting...
Thank goodness, I got here before you switched the commenting off.
Thank you, thank you, thank you for sharing your expertise. I've learnt so much from reading your blog, and because of you I've got a heap of clue-arrows in the quiver for when it comes time to look for an agent.
Best wishes for everything that comes next.
*sniffle*
Camilla
Shit,
Now I have one less thing to waste time on instead of actually writing.
Ah hell is right. You were the first thing I read in the morning and the last thing before I signed off for the night. You've made me happy and even angry a few times. Now, I wouldn't know who you were if you walked by me at a writer's conference, but I feel like I've lost a friend.
Well hell. Now you've gone and done it. You made this tough ol' broad cry.
CJ
(Typing through tears)
I foolishly thought you would always be here. (Smacks forehead, Homer Simpson style.)
I can't imagine how much work this has been for you, nor can I find the right words to express my undying gratitude for all you've done.(Some writer I am!)
I hope that you, KY and Grandma will have a wonderful life, filled with joy and endless supplies of booze and Clooney.
You will be missed, but always appreciated.
Lighting a candle for the crap-o-meter....
I opened a Google account specifically and solely so I can bid you goodbye, thank you again, and wish you well. You answered one of my questions some time ago, and for months now I have been checking your blog daily, and I've long since read through the entire archive. Thanks to your advice, I dumped my old agent, and got a new one, considered 'tops' by the writers boards, that I'd never heard of before discovering your blog.
You have done what so few people do in a lifetime -- you have made a difference to lots of people.
Thanks.
The last track has played.
The record skips and hisses.
You will be missed, Miss Snark.
Oh bugger.
You've been talking to POD-DY Mouth, haven't you?
THANK YOU, for all of your advice and crapometers. I hope this means that you and Mr. Clooney are having a wonderful time together
:-)
Thanks, Miss Snark. Just that.
It's hard to believe, but I only discovered your blog two weeks ago. (Say what you will about sites like Writing.com, but it was there I discovered it).
After 10 minutes of reading, I was immediately in love with your snarkiness. I added your blog to my Favorites list and found myself digging through the archives every day at home, at work, wherever I had internet access. So compared to many Snarklings, I may be seen as a fledgling. However, for all I have read and all the info I have taken in, I feel like a veteran and will miss you bestowing new posts upon us just as much as any other Snarkling. I'm glad I at least enjoyed new posts for the two weeks I had.
P.S. We won't look down on you if you pull a Michael Jordan. In fact, I think many of us are counting on it
Just wanted to say thank you for all the great advice and laughs! Thanks for keeping the archives up, I know alot of us will be referring to them alot.
You will be missed greatly!
Diane in Idaho
Miss Snark,
Aww hell is right! You'll be sorely missed. Thank you for all the advice over those gazillion posts. I was beginning to feel edumacated. (g)
Gah, this is a sad day. I will miss your humor.
Thank you Miss Snark for your advice, inspiration, and most especially, for your unique voice.
Oh no. This is sad. You've earned everyone's respect. Even 101 reasons writes your blog a great eulogy and refrains from making any snide comments on the side. (http://101reasonstostopwriting.blogspot.com/2007/05/miss-snark-retirement-linklove.html) You will be missed.
Wait... I go away for a couple of weeks, come back, and you're leaving! :(:( But... but... ::sigh:: This makes me sad. But I understand why. So here is my incredible sappy comment on what Miss Snark has done for me...
As a college student navigating the publishing industry, you saved me from many foolish errors... resulting in the three poetry acceptances to professional journals I now have. You were of immeasurable importance in my quest to finish my novel.
I could go on and on. Essentially, the fact that I'm starting to kick off a writing career at age 19 is, in a large part, due to your advice and suggestions.
Thank you for helping me make my dreams come true.
P.S.-- And dear dog it'll be weird never to read of another nitwit, another poor sorry writer like myself being ground beneath your stiletto heel...
P.P.S.-- Killer Yapp, I want you to know that you are only ankle-biter-tiny-evil-dog that I have ever felt real affection for.
P.P.P.S.-- to both on you, I grant an unending supply of virtual gin...since that's the only kind I can legally give you.
Now I'll go cry into my Norton Anthology...
You will be so missed. But I can quite imagine your exhaustion. You put so much into this blog.
And you have provided me with so much more than just Snarkly advice. The links to other blogs in the comments section led me to so many other wonderful writers. Your blog formed a community of writers. Closing down blog will be a loss to us all.
Miss Snark, Say it ain't so! I've learned so much and gotten so much inspiration from your blog - the only one I've ever read. Once you published a query from me and I was so proud I emailed the link to all my critique partners. Can't believe you're going.....somebody pass the gin pail, please. Give my best to KY.
Thank you Miss Snark for your wonderful posts.
I'll miss you.
Jessica Russell
Gi-hu-guh-what?
I go away for the weekend and this is what I come back to? I haven't even written a query yet! What am I supposed to do with all the questions that will inevitably arise when I do? Read the archives? That's so impersonal. I need fresh snark.
I feel like I've just been pierced through the heart by a stiletto. Drowned in a gin pail. Shot in the face with the .357 magnum of clue guns.
Who will give me a clue now, Miss Snark? Because I need a clue. Do you hear me, Miss Snark? I need a clue.
I NEED A CLUE, DAMN IT!
Good luck, famed slinger of snark. You will be missed.
Wow, I guess i need to scan blogs more often. So sorry to see you go. Thanks for your time!!
Oh Miss Snark, we'll miss you so much. Sniff sniff.
Miss Snark, you have comprehensively rocked my world. Thank you so much for your generosity, and may your gin pail never run dry.
Thank-you, thank-you, thank-you...
Though deliciously snarky, your kindness shone through. Is it the silly romantic in me that believes that "we" (the anonymous readers) brought out the best in you, as you struggled (sometimes) in vain to whip us into shape? *cough* *grin*
Your clue gun shall forever be enshrined. *bows*
Someday, soon I hope, my first novel will see print. Look in those "thank-you" credits, for your most gracious Snarkliness will not be forgotten.
Bless you, Miss Snark. You will be so missed...
Miss Snark, I'm not a writer and don't aspire to be one, but I've enjoyed reading your blog immensely.
Good luck in the future!
I'll miss you so very much. Your comments on my crapometer entries has been extremely valuable and all your agenting wisdom has done much towards reducing the number of nitwits in the industry.
Hope you snag George soon. Here's a bucket of gin to tide you over until then.
Oh noooooooooooo!!!!!! And I was juuust getting to know you! So looking forward to another crapometer; one where I would have 'made it in time' to see how I fair and become an official 'Snarkling.'
It's quite obvious from the numerous comments, you will be genuinely missed.
All good wishes and many blessings, to you and Killer Yapp!
My heart is breaking; I am bereft. I'll be raising a G&T to you tonight at my writer's group (we meet in a pub). I wish you all the best in the world (which, as we all know, is gin, Mr Clooney, and Killer Yapp).
I shall take comfort in knowing that somewhere out there, you are still crushing nitwits under your stiletto'd heels, and Killer Yapp has his canine-powered squirrel-targeting RPG.
Farewell, Miss Snark. I'll miss you.
Nooooooooo!
I am sobbing into my beret.
I'll be a snarkling forever. Forever, I say!
Love you Miss Snark.
Sniff.
I wish you only the best, and I hope one day to get over my fear of "real writing" and assault your sensibility with a submission....
Artemis (only a lurker in your sphere; my comments have all been in the medical blog world)
What a shock when I came to visit today. Thank you so much for your time and energy, Miss Snark. We will miss you! Thank you also for leaving the site up, even without additional input, there is a wealth of information for writers. Beneath your snarky exterior beats a warm heart.
RMS
Miss Snark,
Your snarks and encouragements have made me a better writer, and I will forever be grateful for this.
Take care and know you will be missed!
Well, this sucks.
I'll miss you, Miss Snark. I wish you many uber cool book sales and gin pails. Hopefully you won't be setting your hair on fire too much, since we all hoped we learned something from you.
Of course, if you're marrying Clooney, you won't be able to keep your secret identity for long . . . then we can start blasting you with all our nitwit quesitons again!
Thank you, Miss Snark!
We should have suspected when you took that vacation. This leaves a hollow feeling inside my usually full spot.
Fellow readers & writers, whither next for the collective wisdom? I don't want to think about life without your thoughts, questions, and smartitude.
Gods bless you, Miss Snark, and dog bless you, too.
~pulp
Aaack - this is what happens when I don't read blogs for a few days?
Seriously - many, many, many thanks for all your no-nonsense advice on writing and publishing. You've given so much and like so many others, I truly appreciate your time and effort over the last two years :) Happy Blog retirement!!
Thanks for all you've given us authorial wanabees!
I've mostly been a lurker, enjoying your snarkiness from the safety of the other side of my computer, yet I join with everyone else in saying how sorry I am to see you go, Miss Snark. I've sent links to this blog to countless friends so they could enjoy your wit and wisdom as much as I do.
I wish you all that you wish yourself and more.
As a lurker to your blog, I'm coming out to say how sad to know you won't be there to read. I've laughed, and learned and screamed and yes, cried. You are the best...and I hope from time to time, you will come back to haunt us.
take care,
we'll miss ya.
Does this mean my vacation to Rabbitania is a no-go? Can I get a refund for the tickets?
Thanks a million Miss Snark. You'll be missed more than you know.
Dear Miss Snark,
You were my matchmaker. You held up Kristin Nelson as a great agent and she's been everything you said she would be.
And now to know that your would depart the blogs before our first baby hit the shelves...Sniff.
I love you, Miss Snark.
wtf
dear dog
It's been two days. Did you change your mind yet?
no, sorry.
But we love you, Miss Snark. Isn't that enough (sob!)
Two more words from Miss Snark!! Ah, my withdrawal symptoms are appeased just a tiny bit! I guess we're all moving on to a new era. My website should be up soon, and they're smashing the windows of our apartments this week, giving us new windows, new openings to view the world. It's a new world for us, Miss Snark, and I'll always remember how you influenced the transition to it.
Thank you for giving me the courage to stand up to snarkiness while gin is being sloshed from the pail onto my stilettos.
I was one of the lucky ones able to be included in the second crapometer, and it was an eye opener. So I just want to say, like all the other writers on here, that I understand the need to move on, but will miss you immensely.
Thank you for the time you have spent in helping out a bunch of people that you probably will never even meet. It wasn't wasted.
If ever I am published (and oh I will be) there will be a spot for you on the special thanks page.
Can I be the last commenter?
If so . . .
Bye bye.
Blog: Miss Snark, the literary agent (Login to Add to MyJacketFlap)
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Dear Miss Snark:
I've sent out a bunch of e-mail queries and noticed when I received some answers (and my query shows up at the end of the responses) that sometimes my letter looked strange on the other end. I copy and pasted my query from a Microsoft word document into the body of the e-mails and some of them apparently look like I wrote it in a foreign tongue. My apostrophes have been replaced by Russian looking letters. The columns and everything look out of whack. Other replies show that my query looked fine, just as I had sent it from my end. It looks normal from my "sent" column and it also looked fine when I sent a test run on some of my friends' computers. What's going on? Am I doing something wrong? Are these agents seeing Russian letters instead of my apostrophes? Thanks.
Yup, they are, in some cases.
I have one colleague who reliably sees weirdness in my emails so I have prevailed upon her to be my "reader". All she has to do when I send her a practice/draft email is hit reply when I send it to her for testing (her email program prints the text of my email at the bottom).
That way I get back what the finicky computers see, and I can fix it. It usually takes three or four "send/reply" cycles to get all the problems fixed.
The trick is to find the one friend who will see it like that, and bribe her into helping you.
There are other tricks to employ here too, and I'm sure some of the comments will give you some additional good ideas.
The good news is, most of us are pretty used to seeing that. It's annoying, but it's not a deal breaker. You DO want to fix it though cause it's really hard to read.
I've finally figured out that, if you want to email a query, save it in rich text format first, then copy it into the email. Word does weird formatting stuff that doesn't translate well to email.
Odds are good that your have some of Word's Autoformat options on--this consists of "smart quotes" that determine whether quotation marks are opening or closing (they curve in different directions). I think apostrophes go in either direction too. These directional marks are not within HTML's character set, so it really depends on the reader's e-mail program as to whether they display properly or look like gibberish.
Type up your queries in something like Notepad or Textedit and your apostrophes and quotation marks should display normally. (They will be "straight quotes" and not "smart quotes") Failing that, go turn off the related Autoformat options in Word and then run it through a test like Miss Snark suggested.
--K.
Many times you get all that gibberish when you paste from Word to an email application because you're pasting formatted text, and either your email program or the recipient's email program can't read the formatting. Try pasting your query as plain text (either save it from Word as plain text first, or type it into Notepad as plain text). Yes, you'll lose any fancy formatting--italics, bolds, colors, em dashes, etcetera. Actually, in a query, probably not such a bad thing.
Hope this helps!
Elizabeth
If you send your email as plain text as opposed to Rich Text or HTML, and save your word doc as plain text and then copy & paste from it, you should be fine.
To reiterate one of the points alluded to above - it's happening because Word sucks as an email composer.
In a business email (such as a query), it is never wrong to use plain text. Indeed, there are very few circumstances that call for anything except plain text emails - perhaps emailing friends and relatives, but that's it.
Configure your email programme to use a plain text email composer, and write in it. There's no reason to use Word or any other external editor in any modern email app. If you're using webmail, just use the form that your webmail service provides. (Indeed, most webmail services let you compose rich-text emails if you insist on it.)
Hope that helps!
pax et bonum
Word is notorious for extra symbols -- we've had issues with this over at the DII forums. When I post anything to the DII list, I remove ALL curly quotes and apostrophies, use a double dash instead of an em-dash, places spaces in between the periods of an ellipses, and either paste it into notepad (preferred since you get black rectangles for Word's symbol mess) or wordpad. From there it gets copied and posted into my email program.
To turn off Words symbols & otherwise make something more email compatible, here's what we tell DII members to do:
1. Open your work in your word processing software, then open a wordpad file.
2. To remove "curly" quotes and other symbols, do the following: in the edit menu click replace; in BOTH the find what and replace with box type a ' (or whatever other symbol you are replacing); click replace all; it will automatically take out the curlys
other symbols you may want to do this with:
"
-- (which gets turned into an em dash)
- (sometimes gets turned into an em dash)
;
... (should be changed to . . . , spaces included)
3. Copy and paste your work into wordpad and save either as a text file or as an rtf file. This will help convert whatever version of word (or any other program you happen to be using) into a format that most pc's can see without resorting to formatting idiocies. Go through and DOUBLE SPACE between EACH paragraph (like what you see between this line and the first line of #4 below).
4. DO NOT use stationary or any other images in your email as it adds to the size of the email you are sending and some programs do not accept it. DEFINITELY do not add music or anything of that nature. Outlook Express users need to avoid using an OE signature as OE signature files are one of the most popular ways to spread viruses.
5. Don't indent and don't put line breaks along the right side of the page or email.
6. It helps if you turn Word Wrap OFF.
7. Copy from the wordpad and paste into your email.
Some of that is unnecessary for regular email, but most of it helps keep email issues at a minimum for most members.
Oh, we also have this post about removing the Word symbol mess almost entirely from Word docs:
To avoid odd symbols when pasting text into your posts:
in the format menu, choose Auto Format
in the dialogue box, click options
click the AutoFormat tab and make sure the following are unchecked:
Straight Quotes with Smart Quotes
Symbol characters (--) with symbols
Click ok
Click ok again (not close, it won't work that way and resets back to having this options checked)
When in doubt, tell your email client to send as text only. You won't get any formatting, and you'll probably have to clean it up on your end (line breaks and such), but better yours than theirs.
Turn of Smart Quotes, do a search-and-replace to fix them, and set your program to not squish double hyphons into an em-dash. That'll fix virtually all the problems.
Saving to .rtf is a good idea, too.
When sending a mail set the character encoding to UTF-8 rather than ISO-8859-1.
Theoretically everybody should be able to read this one (unless possibly you are writing in Russian ...)
Turn off the curly quotes and make sure WORD isn't changing elipses into one character.
And in some incarnations of WORD and Windows, you don't remove these artifacts by copying into NOTEPAD.
WORD calls it autoformatting but most people call it screwing up the text.
As some have already said, the issue is with Word's automagic formatting of text. You can save the document into PLAIN TEXT and copy and paste from that .txt file.
But it's not just queries. If folks want you to submit material by pasting into the body of an email, you'll have the same problem, only multiplied many times. Any time you email your text to someone, use only PLAIN TEXT, as the person on the receiving end may have HTML turned off to keep from seeing spam sent as images instead of text, to circumvent spam filters. Let your words wow them, not your choice of fonts or interesting formatting.
I would suggest typing the query up in your email program, and perhaps leaving a copy in "drafts." This way you can probably avoid any word processor weirdness.
If you really must use a word processor to copy and paste from, consider something like Google Docs, which will only use HTML entities.
I've found if you hit spell check on this kind of document, AOL will highlight every part that will come out with the strange symbols. The words that highlight, just retype. Problem solved.
Mina's got the solution: Write it in Plain Text.
The weird gobledeegoop comes when e-mail systems convert your text to a different format. They do this because HTML can hide viruses and other nonsense. Plain Text can't.
Using rich text format can also lead to problems -- it's a proprietary format developed by Microsoft that preserves some of the very formatting that you want to shed. Use a plain text editor instead.
In addition to the other advice, I'd suggest you don't include columns in your emails.
Text files are just that - pure text. Reliably placing text at a particular spot on the screen is impossible because the recipient's email program displays in whatever font the recipient requested, not the font you used. Different fonts use different-sized blank spaces, so even if you try making columns by entering blank spaces, your columns still won't line up when the recipient views them.
Lose the columns, and any other positioning. Bowl 'em over with your text.
[Echo] I 'wash' all my stuff in notepad, pasting it there, then copy it into my email.
If you really need bolds, italics, you'll have to edit them in after the fact. This should preserve the formatting.
in many e-mail programs, the send and recieve messages default is set to HTML, I personally don't uderstand the protoco; for using HTML but e-mail programs do. Many times, people will go into tools and reset this option to text instead of HTML. When it is set to text you will get strange characters and even odder formatting in the body of the e-mail message.
so; go into the e-mail program, go to "tools", then choose "options", then choose the "send" tab and make sure that the "mail sending format" is set to HTML.
hope this helps
I just sold my novel to a top-shelf house, contract, advance, the whole deal, with positive coverage from a film agency, too. Now I'm told I need an agent, but I can't seem to find one. Got any ideas?
Miss Snark,
It was rather devilish of you to post that "how do I find an agent" comment, but I guess if I had the power to throw babies to the wolves, I'd do it too.
For the person who's handle sounds strangely like a pedophile:
1. lrn2read
2. lrn2searchbox
3. Stay on topic if you want the trolls to like you
My head hurts...
Blog: Miss Snark, the literary agent (Login to Add to MyJacketFlap)
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Dear Miss Snark,
I recently received this email:
(Agent's name)
I see you've already rejected my query on (title redacted) oh, a month ago. And you're in great company. Sorry-- please disregard the query I sent ten minutes ago because I don't need another rejection.
Thanks,
It's a fun read. Why is everyone passing?
(author)
Can I borrow a match to set my hair on fire too?
Yes indeed.
Just to underscore the obvious:
If you screw up and send a query twice, don't compound the mistake by writing to say so. Don't say you don't need more rejection, cause really, who does??
I know you get tired of hearing no, but the person to ask "why" is not the agent.
Not to mention that I remember reading somewhere of someone who made this mistake but got an acceptance letter the second time! Sure, it's not likely, but with a follow-up like this, it's impossible.
I'm not sure I understand the desire to set one's hair on fire over a triviality. If you don't like the email, just ignore it.
Think of all the old bald guys that would love to have hair before you go abusing yours.
I e-queried an agent two months ago and got a rejection the following day. Then last week I got a request for the full manuscript from the same agent. I did not re-query this agent. I was puzzled, but sent the full as per instructions, only to get a rejection (the second one) the following day. I can only assume that an assistant sent the first rejection and somehow the initial query made its way to the agent's computer at a later time.
However, the agent did send a nice note and called the book adorable (a picture book) but not right for her. Go figure.
Blog: Miss Snark, the literary agent (Login to Add to MyJacketFlap)
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I recently entered a writing contest (a well-known one) and didn't make the short-list. No biggie, I learned a lot and made some good progress with my writing. Then I got a very encouraging letter from one of the contest judges (the chair), letting me know that I'd made the informal "long-list" of the top 20 entries and giving me some feedback on my submission. She didn't have to do this (the contest stated that feedback would only be given to short-listed folks), and made it clear she did it on her own behalf. This was very cool and much appreciated. My question is this...would it be okay to send her a short thank-you note care of her publisher? Just a "thanks for taking the time to do this, much appreciated" kinda deal? I'm not looking to come off as some psycho-stalker chick, so should I be grateful in silence, or is a brief note okay?
A short thank you note via the publisher is always in order.
You'd do better to email her from her website; publishers are notoriously slow about forwarding author mail.
You only come off as psycho-stalker chick if you send gifts, or more than one note.
Never send any object to an agent or an editor until you've signed a deal with them. Given the lunacy of this day and age, gifts from strangers mostly get thrown away still wrapped and unused.
I've had a few short stories come back with more than the standard rejections (a. not for us, b. can't use it, c. wrong genre, etc...). One even had several paragraphs of why the editor didn't accept the story.
In these cases, I always send a thank you note saying thanks and I appreciate the comments.
I think a thank-you note would most definitely be in order. (Just don't tack something on the end like, "And the completed MS is ready if you want to look at it again." Just a plain simple thank-you.)
Good Form.:)
Thanks a million. Funny what little things a girl can get all twisty/obsessive over, but there seems to be a whole 'nother kind of etiquette in this wacky biz.
I judged a contest recently where comments were given, and I got a thank you forwarded through the contest coordinators (it was anonymous judging).
It made my day to think someone found my comments so helpful they went to the trouble of forwarding their thanks to me.
I've wondered about this, with longer/instructive rejection letters from editors. My inclination is to send a short 'thanks for the feedback', but I generally haven't for fear of stepping on toes or sounding grasping.
Thanks again for enlightening me, your Snarkliness!
I made the short list of a certain very big (as in $$$) fiction fellowship with a submission of part of a novel-in-progress, and one of the judges, a well-respected novelist, told a mutual acquaintance to have me give him a call. So I did, he was really nice, said he thought I should've won the big wazoo, and that when I finished the novel he'd give me a recommendation to his agent (who doesn't even accept unsolicited queries). Well, I finished the book, this very kindly novelist made the recommendation, and guess what? The agent didn't like the book.
As the wise Miss Snark says: keep querying, keep writing.
Blog: Miss Snark, the literary agent (Login to Add to MyJacketFlap)
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Dear Miss Snark,
If your oven wasn’t already in use as a file cabinet, I’d be asking to stop by so I could stick my head in and turn on the gas. After the one-millionth rewrite and almost as many rejections, two agents requested my manuscript AFTER reading partials. Such a hopeful sign, but alas, both NO’s. But it was the nature of their comments that has me competing for space in your oven.
The first pass was from a pair of agents who work together. Their comments were all very positive, but they didn’t think the market was large enough for the novel. They did, however, ask me to resubmit my next project.
The second agent passed because she felt the story needed to be told in a far more brutal voice. Because of the nature of the material, I purposely avoided sensationalizing the story.
Who to believe? At this point I am committed to finishing my second novel, a very commercial project, furiously rewriting with the hope of submitting next fall. But I can’t completely shake a nagging doubt that agent #2 is right about my first novel and the first agents were just too kind to tell me my writing sucks.
I’m trying to talk myself into putting the first manuscript away for now, stop submitting and rewriting it and hope that, some day, it finds a good home at a small press where it probably would be most happy.
I really need someone, who is objective, to say, “Stop! Put it away and get on with the next project.” I am so confused.
Thank you for all you have done to help writers like me and please give Killer Yap a big kiss on his furry snout and, of course, a cookie.
Killer Yapp says "excellent idea" and heads for the cookie jar.
One of the ironclad rules of rejection letters is they all say different things. Too long, too short, too violent, too placid. You don't have a large enough sample to draw any reliable conclusions.
And NO agent asks to see future work if they think your writing sux. Never.
You in fact have TWO agents who said something other than "not right for me" and that says to me you're probably a damn fine writer, and it's other things that needs some work.
You're exactly right in what I'm going to tell you: finish the second book. Send it out on a round of queries. THEN look at novel #1 and see (with what you learned from writing #2) what, if anything, you'd chanage.
Quit obsessing. Write well.
Killer Yapp adds "eat cookies".
Thanks Miss Snark for pushing me in what I know in my heart is the right direction.
Quick question: Isn't the term "obsessive (unpublished) writer" the height of redundancy? I sure hope so.
Thanks again for your advice - now on with the process of trying to write/publish another bit of tripe.
More Clooney news, this time comparing him with Archibald Leach:
http://blogs.guardian.co.uk/film/2007/05/is_george_clooney_the_new_cary.html
Will it never end?
mmmm . . . cookies . . . killer yapp has got his priorities straight!
Those two comments might be saying the same thing, just in different ways. The second agent might also think that the market isn't big enough for your book, as it is currently written. Had you chosen the so-called brutal voice it might have made the book more commercial and thus satisfied both agencies.
Maggie adds: eat cookie dough.
"Chanage"? Is that a French word that rhymes with "triage"?
From an objective but uninformed perspective -- since I haven't read the novel -- it's entirely possible that both agents were spot-on. ie, there's not a large market for the novel in its current form, but if it were made more brutal, it might fit into an existing shelf at B&N.
Either way, the obvious answer is Miss Snark's - finish number 2 before spending any further effort on number 1.
The first agent who rejected my full said "Well written, but not for me."
The second said, "interest in fantasy adventure is waning and this doesn't move me enough to get behind it."
The third said, "The main characters' relationship needs to be further developed. I don't care enough about them."
The fourth said "it's perfect the way it is," and offered representation.
Go figure. Just like movies and music, literary taste is subjective.
I don't know why you'd want to stick your head in the oven, however, after someone said nice things about your work and that they'd like you to submit your next project.
I have NEVER heard of an agent saying anything like that just to be nice. They're already overwhelmed with submissions as it is.
I agree with your gut instinct and Ms. Snark, write book number two! You can only become a better writer by writing more.
Blog: Miss Snark, the literary agent (Login to Add to MyJacketFlap)
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Dear Mistress of the Highest Snarkitude
I'm in the early stages of querying my mystery novel, and a top New York agent is currently reviewing the full manuscript. Meanwhile, an acquaintance of mine recently read my manuscript and gave it glowing reviews. Knowing she'd be too polite to tell me if it sucked, I smiled and moved along. But apparently, she was serious. She's contacted a friend who works for a production company that develops movies for, ahem,well, a women's cable network. This person is now asking for a screenplay based on my novel, which she has NOT read by the way. I have no screenplay, and creating one would take precious time and effort –time I'd allocated to crafting the novel's sequel.I've tried to politely decline this request, but my acquaintance is pushing the issue.
What to do?
-Should I drop everything else to write a screenplay? No
-Am I correct in suspecting the production-company contact is just being polite? Yes
-Even if the interest is genuine, would you advise an unpublished author to pursue this?No
I mean, if the story is "used up" in a made-for-TV movie, will it hurt my chances to have the book published? No Will it piss off my dream agent(s)?Yes
-Am I a snob for wincing at the thought of my masterpiece appearing on a woman's TV network? In the book, the love interest is a delightfully dangerous hottie who owns a gun store. I fear the TV folks would transform him into a first-grade teacher who owns a
little antique shop. Now, I like teachers and antiques as much as the next gal, but my guy's an alpha male, and I like him that way.
- On a scale of one to ten, how paranoid am I? The voices tell me not to worry, but they also suggested I seek your advice.
I'd be eternally grateful for your insight. All of us– me, the voices, and my fictional hottie - send you and Killer Yapp our kindest regards.
First, you have no clue how to write a screenplay and if you think writing a novel was good practice for that, you're wrong.
Second, you don't want to go anywhere near film people without an agent. That industry works on much more stringent rules about what they'll consider (and I think that most legit places require you to register your work before they'll look at it). And, film rights are in important piece of the package for a novel. You write a screenplay, send it off, and you've just made it a LOT harder for an agent to sell film or TV rights. Do NOT do this.
Clearly this friend of yours has badgered her friend at the production company and this is the standard brush off.
What you need to do with this clueless friend is say "thanks for your help. I appreciate it" and STOP talking to her about your novel. Her "helpfulness" does not oblige you to accept it or report back on your progress. Once you're published lots more people will have "helpful" ideas for you. Some of them are good; 99% are not. This is good practice for how to deal with them politely. Respect the intention, but that's it.
I'm not questioning the actual advice, but how do you presume to know this woman doesn't know how to write a screenplay just because she's written a novel?? Yes, talent at one does not equate to talent at the other, but still. Some of us turn to novel writing because we grow tired of the creative limits of the screenplay format after years of doing it.
A production company usually has readers who do coverage of screenplays. The first step often consists of a first 10 pages and last 10 pages read. If you pass this test, they'll read further--but only until they're turned off. That screenplay has to be perfect for a company to put millions into it, and "name" actors to stake their reputations on it. (And of course "perfect" is defined differently at every production company.)
Whether or not you're skilled as a screenwriter, I wouldn't put in the weeks/months of work in exchange for moments of consideration unless you're just dying to write a movie.
I've wrtten 15 feature length screenplays, and I agree with The Snark on this. Like the literary world, screen writing has its own rules, and they leave no room for straying from the path. No producton company is going to waist time (which is money) having their readers (which are paid) look at a screenplay by an unagented/unproduced writer, whether they have a friend or not in the business. Every thing they look at has a complex release of liability form signed by the writer to avoid lawsuits.
on an aside: I have witnessed a few of these hook contests of late and read the worries of craming it all into 300 words. a screenplay has to be compressed into a one or two sentence hook.
you are on target oh Snarkiness!
Any reputable production company would have asked for the manuscript itself -- not for a screenplay from somebody who presumably has never written one. Red flag. Their preference is usually to assign a writer of their own choosing to a property.
And G -- if the questioner knew how to write a screenplay, s/he probably wouldn't have asked this question at all, because s/he would have had some experience with Hwood already and known what to do.
You've got a great friend trying to help you out. Thank her. And don't do it.
I'm a screenwriter (unproduced) and I urge you to NOT think that you can simply "learn the screenplay format" as if it is that easy. It is not.
You're talking about two types of writing that are VASTLY different. (I am a published novelist, too, so I do know whereof I speak).
Concentrate on your novel. And buy your lovely friend lunch. Or give her my number. I'm not above selling a script to a "women's" channel.
g-
like all true agents, miss snark has strange, magical powers we can only pretend to understand. woe betide those that doubt them.
If you've never written a screenplay you will be in for a shock at how differrent it is from writing a novel.
But, there are excellent resources that have been written over the years that will give you the basic standard format...the tools you need to present something that's professional. There are rules to follow; just like with writing a novel.
Aside from whether or not this is a valid request from the TV acquaintance (I tend to lean toward Miss Snark's general advice here because the request sounds too good to be true), I must strongly state that learning to write a screenplay can't do you any harm in the least. If nothing else, this is a wonderful vehicle to truly meet your characters in ways you've never imagined.
Thank you, Miss Snark! I hold an MFA in screenwriting from UCLA, and I want to bash my head against the wall when I talk to many novelists about screenwriting. They seem to think all they need to turn their novels into screenplays is a free weekend and a few formatting tips. An Academy Award for Best Adapted Screenplay is sure to follow. They never seem to pause to think that if a school like UCLA is offering graduate degrees in the subject, there might be more to it than that. Ouch.
I think that most legit places require you to register your work before they'll look at it
Well, almost nobody actually requires you to register your script with the WGA, but they do usually require you to sign a scary-looking disclaimer form before they'll so much as read FADE IN. (It does vary, though; I've had successful producers say "just email me the PDF.")
If you think writing a novel was good practice for that, you're wrong
I'm a published novelist and aspiring screenwriter, and I can confirm, yep, that, squared.
I don't understand why you'd give the MS to a friend and also to someone in the film industry when it's already in the hands of an agent!
Didn't you get feedback from a critique group prior? Was it not enough? Seems to me the best thing to do is to let the novel go, wait for the agent and if she gives feedback, then take it.
But for now, turn on the computer and start on your next novel or article.
I can't answer for Her Snarkiness, of course, but me, I'd assume that if the woman had screenwriting experience she would have mentioned it.
If your acquantance works in the film business not sure why she is suggesting you do this.
If the cable channel were really interested they buy the film/TV rights for the novel.
If they want to buy the rights you give a heads up to the agent who is reading your material. Miss Snark is right. An agent should be dealing with any rights questions.
Production companies try to get writers to write for free all the time. Don't do it. You have source material (your novel) they should pay for it, not ask you to adapt it for for no money. That is not cool.
Also, I love how the exec has not even read the novel yet and asking for a screenplay.
Weighing in here as a former network production exec (and now a nascent "real" writer) -
even if that production company contact asked for a screenplay, the network for which s/he works won't (this would be a first, in this day and age, I think) accept the work for coverage (that is, someone to read it and say hey yeah let's put on a show) unless the work comes in through an agent or an attorney.
Just an ex-LA Snarkling (Snarkette?) sharing the love.
Miss Snark only has a small space in which to comment, but in general I think she's right. I also gathered from the post that the author was not a former screenwriter.
I am in the group "G" mentioned, screenwriter turned novelist, but I still do both.
To the person who posted this question to Snark Central: I have experience in both areas and have two agents, a screenwriting agent and a literary agent. If you'd like to chat more about this, I'm happy to tell you about my own experiences and what I've learned along the way.
You can find me at:
www.theaccidentalnovelist.blogspot.com/
So, how do you handle someone who gets upset because you don't take their advice? Besides not asking for it anymore.
I forgot to mention that I've done the process the other way around. I turned an original screenplay into a novel in order to maintain more rights.
If you're not interested in being a screenwriter, then focus on writing the novel. In my experience, screenwriters have the least amount of rights of all writers. Studios will want ALL the rights associated with your story. They can even rewrite the story so much you lose any screen credit.
A colleague of mine wrote a teeny-bopper film that the studio later had published as a book without telling her! Turns out they were in the habit of doing this and were sued by a group of writers.
In any case, if you just write good novels, the studios will probably want to option them anyway. Tell your friend, if you’re still interested, that you want to publish the novel first.
Michele Lee - if you figure that out, please let me know. I have an otherwise dear friend who will not stop giving me unsolicited advice, and then getting bent out of shape when I don't take it. Our current detente (I won't take her advice, she won't stop pushing it) is over prospective brain surgery! If she's willing to push that (no, she's no kind of medical professional), picture how little her lack of knowledge about writing or the writing industry impedes her advice in that area.
From the writer who posed the original question:
Miss Snark was correct. I don't know the first thing about writing a screenplay. I explained this to my acquaintance, who assured me it would be "a piece of cake" since my novel is "heavy on dialogue."
This, I'm sure, is where the seasoned screenplay writers reach for the tar and feathers, and I can see why. I KNEW there was a lot more to it. As someone who can barely distinguish a screenplay from a turnip, I'm relieved to hear I should let this "opportunity" pass.
Thanks Miss Snark, and everyone else, for your insight. It's helped a whole lot.
Although the above statements that Stdios don't look at unagented spec screenplays is generally true, there IS a burgeoning business in low-budget made-for-TV movies, specifically for Lifetime, and specifically *very* low-budget, often non-union. I know producers in that field who will look at ANY pre-written script in the genre, hoping to find one that is filmable -- they prefer it to actually developing the property and hiring a (guild) writer. So the offer from the friend of the friend may well be sincere and legit.
Is it a good route to take? Highly unlikely. Unless you *want* to be in the TV business (which is largely separate from the movie business), this would be a distraction from your real goals.
You may also want to be more circumspect in passing out your ms., and ask anyone you give it to not to pass it on without your permission. If the premise of your novel is high-concept and producable, it's not impossible you'll see it as a TV movie yet -- without your involvement.
I must agree that writing a novel and writing a screenplay are two completely different things. They are crafts that have to be learned; they both contain certain degrees of difficulty.
I know some folks have a hard time with the word 'No' but...
If you can't learn to put your foot down now, you are going to have a hard time ever getting your story published.
I don’t know it for a fact, but I suspect your helpful friend doesn’t really know very much about movies. I find it amusing that he or she thinks a screenplay would be a snap for you because your novel has a lot of dialog. Dialog is more the realm of stage plays; films are more about plot and characters: it’s the idea that counts. I’ve heard the difference between the stage and screen compared to the difference between poetry and painting. And I think that’s pretty true. Very few successful films are mostly about dialog -- and most of those are adaptations of stage plays. The strength of your ideas, your plot concept and your characters, ought to be apparent from your novel -- or from a synopsis of it.
I think your friend is just trying to be helpful, but the only reasons I can imagine they would say the studio would rather see a screenplay than your manuscript is that they’re too cheap to option the book and then pay for a screenplay. Or the studio heads know nothing about this and it’s just one of their employees playing the big-shot-Hollywood-I-can-make-you-a-star game. Any decent studio (and any otherwise), has more submissions by professional screenwriters than they know what to do with.
As many have already said, screenwriting is way different from novel writing. They use completely different “languages.” Screenwriters are fluent in the language and conventions of motion pictures. To tell their stories they choose images, where novelists choose words. They follow strict structural standards that novelists would find stifling. They are different animals. And many of us do not do well around actual human beings.
Oh my. There's so much false expertise sold these days, at UCLA and elsewhere.
Ms Snark is perfectly right that movie scripts and novels are different media, and make different demands on a writer, and that converting a novel to a script is not just a matter of booting up Final Draft Pro and typing the whole thing in again.
But on the other hand: talent is talent. Consider Julian Fellowes. He won an Oscar for his Gosford Park screenplay, and his Snobs is a very fine novel. Or Neil Jordan, who started out as a short story writer, and went on to win the Oscar for The Crying Game screenplay.
My point is - the fatuous language of Hollywood, acts and protagonists and conflict and so on - might help you to write a medicocre genre script, if that's what you want to do; but if someone has the talent to write a novel, they should read a few shooting scripts, think as deeply as they can about the demands of cinema, and go for it. And avoid screenwriting classes! Those guys sell a dream, and maybe it's not the worst way to pass the time, but it has about as much to do with getting a screenplay bought as your local writing class has to do with selling a short story to the New Yorker.
alphabet said... "talent is talent" and then gives examples of writers who have done well in novel writing and screenwriting.
Thats all fine and good, but I think you are missing the point.
If the original questioner hasn't ever given a passing thougt to writing a screenplay I doubt now would be the time to start considering his/her novel isn't even sold (or agented).
I write both novels (published) and screenplays (no agent yet), but screenwriting was something I studied on my own for two YEARS and even then I didnt' tell anyone about it until after I'd made it into the Quarterfinals of the Nicholls Fellowship.
If you do not have the passion to learn an entire new way of writing -- but have to ask Miss Snark, gee should I write a script? -- then I'd say the answer ought to be Heck, No!
People with PASSION for writing scripts and the dedication to take years of their life to learn the craft don't need to ASK if they should write a script.
I take it on faith that Miss Snark is correct, but I do not understand precisely how having a completed screenplay could reduce the saleability of a novel. If the screenplay property has not been purchased by anyone, it is still owned and negotiable. What has changed by letting someone read it?
Film agents are not keen on shopping "used" screenplays, ie those read already. That's almost the first question they ask: "have you shown this to anyone".
It can indeed damage your prospects of a film deal with your novel if you've already shopped it, and badly.
Blog: Miss Snark, the literary agent (Login to Add to MyJacketFlap)
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Dear Miss Snark,
Since I read your advice not to mix genres in query letters I've been planning to market my novel as a mystery. The problem is that although I throw out some hints early on, the 'mystery' itself doesn't emerge till page 100 or so. I've also tried to make the book stylistically interesting. Is 'literary mystery' a viable genre option, or should I just leave well enough alone?
Nothing makes me want to set my hair on fire faster than hearing "I've tried to make the book stylistically interesting". You tell me that in a query letter, I'm reaching for the lighter fluid.
And when you say the "mystery" doesn't emerge till page 100, that's akin to saying the "the plot doesn't start till page 100".
And avoid the use of the word "literary" with "mystery". Tell me where it goes in the bookstore. That's all.
I'm gonna suggest you scan down the previous posts till you come to the one that has a bunch of crit groups and the Crapometer Annex listed in the comment column. The post title is "Miss Snark is Clueless" I think.
I have a feeling you need some readers to look at this before you send it off to hot-headed Miss Snark or her colleagues.
If the mystery doesn't start until page 100, then I don't think this is a mystery (or at least one that would be shelved in the mystery section of book stores).
If you can't move the mystery to the start, perhaps market it as the other genre (e.g. literary fiction).
Instead of "because I've tried to make the book stylistically interesting," try: "because I naturally have a killer grasp on the English language's throat, and inadvertantly turn every sentence into a thing of beauty, I . . . "
And go from there.
Oh man..."literary mystery."
Everytime I hear that I think it's one of two things:
1. Dead body shrouded in bloated prose and high page count.
2. The writer ran out of plot, oh, about page 100 but kept going anyway.
Quit trying to "transcend the genre" and just tell a good story with believable characters in a clear manner.
Sorry I am so crabby but this kind of thinking just rots my socks.
Giving the author the benefit of the doubt and assuming he or she just might be the next Umberto and this is as good as "The Name of the Rose," I'm going to tell you not to panic at what everyone else is saying. Don't worry about changing the plot or picking up the pace just yet. Maybe the mystery *does* belong starting on page 100.
In that case, decide where you imagine this being places on the bookshelf at Borders: do you see it under "Literature," "Fiction," or "Mystery"?
If "Literature," say it's literary fiction with mystery elements. If "Fiction," say it's commercial fiction with mystery elements. If "Mystery," just say it's a mystery and let your prose speak for itself.
Of course that's a big leap of faith I took there, but just saying...
Danger Dr Smith, Danger!
Umberto Eco makes a living teaching semiotics and symbolisms. The Name of the Rose is written in three languages plus pidgen latin, it describes a period of the Catholic Church just before the schisms with Luther, and it is set accurately in history. The book takes 100 pages to set the reader into the historical setting. It has too because no one, and I do mean no one but professors and collegians understood that period and what it meant to deal with the heresies of the time. That's all rarified stuff and the genius of Eco is that he brings it down to the reader and makes it fascinating. A very hard act to follow. Can anyone with a regular education state in 25 words or less why the Franciscan Brotherhood created such havoc in the church? What the Albigensian heresy changed? Those are questions that had to be answered in the book without hurting the murder mystery.
Now if you have read The island of the Day Before or his latest, The Mysterious Flame of Queen Loana you will know that these books are very different novels. The translations are excellent. The books rea great reads. But the novels are not mysteries, nor are they as absorbing as Name of the Rose.
Well, of course, as I said that was a big leap of faith. Okay, let me clarify: a *massive* leap of faith. But there's nothing to say that an anonymous author posting here might, in fact, be utterly brilliant and blow us all away... I personally doubt that the likelihood of that despite how I started my previous post, but hey, just saying that it could happen.
My personal favorite was actually Foucault's Pendulum. That book was brilliant.
Oh, I don't know, I just read a PUBLISHED murder mystery novel that didn't get going until about page 200 and had lots of little gems like saying that the wife lifting the lid of the cooking pot AND checking the oven at the same time was a feat of multi-tasking the business-OWNER husband couldn't possibly approach in his lifetime! I subtitled it the "Attack of the Blondes" because every other character introduced was -- you guessed it! -- blonde! The book fell apart, for me, on page one where we discover that the first murder victim will be Paris Hilton. Okay, NOT Paris Hilton, but her clone. And, despite wearing sparkly Cartier bracelets and dressing like she just walked out of an uptown boutique, she lives in a slum. Like Paris would live in a slum. Yeah. And this book (name and title omitted to spare the poor schmuck who wrote it) was FEATURED at the library -- that's why I checked it out! Why did I continue to read 'til page 200 (after which it became a page-turner, I'll give it that)? Why did I watch "Paycheck"? It was such a trainwreck I HAD to see what the author would do next! LOL
Can anyone with a regular education state in 25 words or less why the Franciscan Brotherhood created such havoc in the church?
That can be stated in one word: poverty. The Franciscans took a vow of it; the Church, with its array of properties, had an interest in declaring a focus on Christ's poverty heretical. All of this is a red herring in Eco's book, of course, to lead us away from the real reason the monks are killed.
What the Albigensian heresy changed?
Again, simple. The Cathars were a religious minority in the French Languedoc who believed that the Old Testament was the record of an usurper God called the Demiurge, or Satan. For obvious reasons, this was a heresy and the Inquisition was created to suppress it. There were all sorts of other interesting consequences for Protestantism, but I think the one you're referring to here is the creation of the Inquisition, which figures prominently in "The Name of the Rose."
I say all of this not to show off my decidedly "regular" education, but to point out that it's condescending to think that it takes a "master" or a "genius" to present this history in a readily understandable way. There's nothing particularly easy about Eco's book. On the other hand, there are many entries in the genre of the literary mystery. One I can think of at the moment is Donna Tartt's "The Secret History," which contains bits of untranslated ancient Greek but was nonetheless a bestseller. "Special Topics in Calamity Physics" wasn't all that good, but it still was sold to a major publisher by an unknown author for a big advance. This is a robust genre, and one of my personal favorites. It probably belongs to the "literary" shelf more than the "mystery" one: think "Snow Falling on Cedars," which was certainly a literary book, but had a mystery at its center. Many people like a little erudition with their dead bodies, and there are certainly plenty of writers out there with the ability to give it to them.
Then again, the last book I read about the Cathars ran 700 pages, and I never did find out what was going on.
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An agent whose name I have seen several times with offerings but who has no deals listed under her name on Agent Query or P.M. has asked to see my complete manuscript. She requires a 1 year contract. (Yes I know I'm getting ahead of myself.) I've heard "no agent is better than a bad agent." On the other hand, everybody has to start somewhere..so.. your thoughts?
First, let's all remember that PM and AQ are self-reporting websites. Not all agents post their deals there.
The key piece of information you need to find out is this: has this agent made any sales. Don't assume she hasn't just cause you can't find them on the web. ASK. It's ok to ask at this stage. She wants your full, that means she's interested in your work.
If she's new to the biz, she may not have any sales at all. In that case, ASK about her previous experience. If she has not ever worked in a company that does book deals, on either side of the desk, I'd be wary. I see a lot of websites with well intentioned people who want to help authors sell their books but what they don't know about how to do that or who to approach would be a book in and of itself.
As for the one year contract, there are several quite reputable agents who do that. They give you a year and if they can't sell it, you're released from the agency.
An inexperienced agent is not a bad agent by default. And "experience" isn't some sort of universal either. I'm pretty experienced but if you hand me category romance, I'd be a VERY bad agent since I don't know the genre, don't read it, and don't know the editors who buy it.
I second Miss Snark. I once worked with a very well-intentioned agent with zero experience. She was the wife of a well-known SF author, and was used to rubbing elbows with editors at cons. This made her think she had experience, or at least contacts. She did not. A year later, she had not sold the book, and had only submitted it one place. We parted ways. I'm wiser now, and I have learned much from Miss Snark. First question out of an author's mouth when an agent offers representation should always be, "What have you sold?" This is not an insult to the agent. We're all professionals here (or strive to be). It's just good business.
If an agent is in a large agency, and said agent doesn't handle romance, wouldn't the unromantic agent pass a great romance manuscript to the agent who daydreams of bodice ripper covers?
Or does the first agent simply not read the ms, and pass?
I find it interesting to hear how different agents work. So some agents have a one year contract, others don't. Thanks, Miss Snark, for helping us identify what is a red flag issue and what isn't.
bran raises an interesting question. Are there some manuscripts an agent falls in love with enough to take on that he or she can't get editors to look at?
If I find the one (reputable) agent who thinks my work is the next big thing, and he can't get attention, is that his fault, or is it the work? I mean, can't you twist a few arms? Call in a few favors?
I've seen an agent or two on AgentQuery who had no sales listed, but who I know have made some pretty good sales.
Here's a related question -- If the writer has researched this agent and believes her work to be something that agent would be interested in representing, wouldn't the question of what's been sold already be pretty obvious?
Would an agent who hears "What have you sold" just think a writer has no idea what s/he likes?
Exactly, anon.
Writers should do their research before they submit to an agent, not when an agent has offered for them!
If you have any concerns about an agent at all, don't waste your time (or their time) querying them. Your queries should only be to those you would be happy to be represented by.
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I have been peddling a completed middle grade novel for some time now and have had three requests for full submissions. The first two came back with personal rejections and invitations to submit future projects. I am still waiting to hear back on the third full but have been told to expect a wait of 3-5 months. Having endured an additional 40 query rejections and several others on partials with seemingly personal invitations to query future projects--I now have all my proverbial eggs in this one last basket.
However, I am nearly finished with my latest "future project" and wondered if I should wait the 3-5 months to hear back regarding the full sub of my last book before sending queries to the inviting agents on the new one. Is it unwise to overlap the query/submission process of two different projects?
Their slow pokieness should have no bearing on your forward motion.
You can have a variety of things in submission at any given time.
IF Slow Poke Publisher makes you an offer, great. If they pass, you've got other irons in the fire.
If EVERYONE makes you an offer you'll have fun juggling offers.
There's no down side to getting your "new" work out into circulation.
I did this and it worked out fabulous.
So it's all right to query agents on a new work when a previous work is under consideration by another agent? What if the agent accepts the first work while a different agent accepts the second? (Or are the chances of that happening basically nil?)
This is one of those key things that new writers don't know inherently.
I finished my ms, sent it off, got rejection after rejection. Which leads to frustration and depression. And yun. Then I said, "Screw it!" And I wrote another book, and started writing short stories and submitting the stories while I worked on book 2.
When you have just one baby, the pressure's on. You don't know if you're capable of having more babies, and that's stressful. You don't know what the genre of new babies will be (my first was crime, my second YA).
I've had some success with short stories, and because of a contest I entered, an editor at a big house wanted to see some of novel #2, and then requested a partial, which he has now...and he wants it for the adult market rather than YA.
The key is to keep creating, refining, and submitting.
Blog: Miss Snark, the literary agent (Login to Add to MyJacketFlap)
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As a service to an author who isn't in it for the money and who can afford my rates, I'm putting together queries for a nonfiction book I edited (his secretary will do the printing and mailing; he will sign the letters himself--big of him, I know). I'm dutifully checking the submission guidelines for each and every agent on the list I've assembled so far, with every intention of following the instructions to the letter.
Then I come to this one:
"SASE – Due to new postal regulations, all self-addressed envelopes must follow these guidelines. Use postal stamps only. No metered mail. Envelopes must be addressed and include our address as the return address in the top left corner of the envelope. Use self-sealing envelopes."
How anal can an agent get? Yeah, sure, if I were the author, I'd probably just go out and buy special envelopes and do the return address thing, too. But geez, don't you people even have rubber stamps you can use for the return address? And you can't wet a gummed envelope with a sponge? Gimme a break!
Bottom of the list, dude. Plonk!
OK, I know you think it's anal, but its only cause I'd burst into flame from your enraged glare that I don't have this on MY site too. I LOVE it when people send self sealing envelopes, the ones with the pull strips.
The meter mail thing IS a rule at the post office. I drop SASEs in the box with meter stamps all the time, but I have NO idea if they get back to the querier. The thing about meters is they have dates. You meter an SASE and it says I mailed it the same day you mailed your query to me. You'll need to be writing more than science fiction to make that happen.
The only thing I think is weird is having the agent's name for the return address. I'd rather you put your own, but again, I've read in the comments column from people that the post office does require that.
And for a general comment on the overall obsessive nature of agents, trust me on this, this is a quality you WANT in an agent. You want someone who researches what works, tells you about it up front and makes it easy to understand what they need. Careless, slipshod, and "it'll all work out" are not things you want to say about the person negotiating your contract.
Funny, because the last time I queried an agent, pulling the strip off the envelope seemed to be too much trouble--it arrived back to me unsealed ...
I usually just put the name of the agent/publisher (no address) in the return address spot and I get those back all the time. Hey, wait! That makes me sound lame! I mean, I get them back with checks in them...yeah, that's what I meant to say.
I am really sympathising with the desire for self-sealing envelopes. You can never find sponges when you want them, even if you own them, and after about the twentieth envelope to lick, life loses all its savour.
Sponges and rubber stamps are things you'd expect in a post office, but not all agencies are big enough to bother laying in the supplies. Why spend the money if it's possible for the author to save you the trouble? It's down to the author to make things as easy as possible for the agent. After all, the author is the one who wants hundreds of man-hours spent on their work with no definite guarantee of any reward. All the agent wants is a tongue that works. Fair's fair.
Oh hell, agents. Spit on your finger and lollygag it across the envelope... geezzz!
Haste yee back ;-)
Just a note about self-sealing envelopes: Sometimes, if they're old enough, they lose their stick. This happened to me twice.
I'm in the habit of buying 50 envelopes at a time. I was near the end of a box of them (about a year after I'd bought the box) when I picked one out to mail a cheque to someone. Darned if the flap hadn't come unstuck by the time I took it to the post office. And it would not stick back down no matter how much I pressed it down. I had to use a gluestick in the end.
Then I realized that that empty SASE I had received back from a certain magazine a few months ago may well have contained a rejection letter (or even, dare I hope, a cheque) but the flap was unstuck when I received it and I just assumed the assistant editor had goofed up and forgotten to seal it. Go figure.
This is why I no longer use self-sealing envelopes. With apologies to editors everywhere who don't have a sponge or a glue stick.
-Sarah Totton
I hate to sound suck-up-ish, but I agree with the great MS, wholeheartedly. This agent has defined his rules and they're so easy to follow. Imagine how you'll stand out over all the other nitwits who didn't even bother to read the guidelines. I'd move this agent to the top of the list, "dude"!
I use the large self-sealing envelopes, my own return address (in case there isn't enough postage, you don't want it going back to the agent), and lots of extra stamps (okay, now I do sound suck-up-ish).
Some rules aren't worth fighting. If you want to win, you have to play the game.
I always queried that agent via email (yeah, I know which agent they're talking about), because I didn't want to buy more envelopes when I already had a honkin' big box of regular envelopes.
I used to write my name and addy in the RETURN ADDRESS of my SASE until I received an envelope mailed from NYC with nothing in it. I'd queried about ten agents and guess where their offices were.
I might look like a nitwit, but at least I know which agent rejected my work.
There are a few things about this letter that bother me, but the most important is basic. If you can write a book you should be able to write and send a few query letters without paying someone else to do it. People have asked me to do this for them and I've always flatly refused, in spite of the fact that I could have made a lot of money on the side. Aside from ethical reasons, the book they wanted me to pitch was always awful and I didn't want to be associated with it.
I always queried that agent via email (yeah, I know which agent they're talking about)
Thanks to Google, now I do, too. (Hmm...two agencies use the exact same wording. Which plagiarized the other?)
I see a market for gin flavored envelope glue. Or maybe liver flavored for a certain KY.
This reminds me of the "green M&Ms" trick that Van Halen inserted into the rider of their concert contracts. It wasn't that they were particularly fond of green M&Ms. It was a tell. When they walked into the dressing room in Cleveland Municipal Stadium (Hello! Cleveland!), if they saw the bowl filled correctly, they could be pretty sure that someone was paying attention and they didn't have to worry as much about the more important stuff in the contract.
Perhaps the agent, in addition to saving his tongue, is learning something else about the writer's ability to handle details that can affect other parts of their relationship (like the writer's ability to line-edit his manuscript!)
I'm with Judy, not trying to suck-upish, but seriously, if you think that's a strict set of rules to follow for submissions, y'all have never entered any juried art competitions. Talk about agony - and it's worse if you get in because they you have a whole new set of rules to send the artwork by. What it comes down to is, if I want that agent or that art competition badly enough, then I'll do the work.
What's that old chestnut, no pain no gain? I can appreciate the irritation of the writer in this case, but if that's the only reason you're knocking an agency to the bottom of your list, then, here's another rule: extend your own foot, insert bullet.
What does this ghost writer have against Ethan Ellenberg, anyway?
Why not just do it the way Ellenberg wants it done?
I sent that agent a non-self-sealing envelope and the reply still got back to me. So rules can be bent. The only reason I didn't follow his rules is that I have a box of 200 regular envelopes and am not going to buy new ones just for him. Rules are rules but common sense still applies. The important one is the stamps. As a Canadian, I've found the USPS website invaluable for getting me the all-important return postage.
OK - query hell.
I sent a query out yesterday. It's one of my first ten queries - which are to my top ten agents - so I sent it out priority mail. Basically, I want to get these top-10 rejections out of the way as quickly as possible so I can start my broad querying at a more relaxed pace. Ha.
Anyway - being a nitwit - I sent out the SASE with insufficient postage. Yep - thanks to the increase that went into effect yesterday (and that I was oblivious to) my SASE was $0.02 too light on postage.
OK. First reaction: no big whoop. If the agent does see the insufficient postage, he'll probably realize that the postmaster usually gives a grace period for this. So even if he drops my rejection in the mail $0.02 too light, it'll get to me.
Then I read Jenny Rappaport's blog. She's planning on throwing out EVERY query that comes in with insufficient postage. Just tossing them on that alone.
Now I'm in a panic. I like this agent - like his clients - I want to know for sure that I'm being rejected. I don't want to enter a state of limbo because he's following the same philosophy as Ms. Rappaport.
So I did the second nitwittiest thing of the day and I went back to the post office, bought a sheet of $0.02 stamps, and mailed them right out - priority of course, so they'd arrive at the same time! - along with a brief apology for being a nitwit.
In retrospect, I'm guessing that it is submission guidelines like those listed above that make the humble writer neurotic enough to do crap like this.
Sigh...
In response to Brenda -- I use my own return address but add the agent's name there as well as my own.
Most of these "Rules" are Postal requirements that came into play after the anthrax mailings a few years back, so I don't think they speak of any great desire to be difficult by the agent. If they say anything it is that he actually has read the latest USPS regulations.
And if that is the case send him something quick, because he's obvioulsy desperate for reading material.
I always put the agent's (or publisher's) name on the return address part of the SASE.
That's how I knew which query to check of my list when the agent was kind enough to reply.
It's just common sense. D'oh.
Oh cheese.
I think that's Ethan Ellenberg. Or at least he's one of them that has that wording on his site (or used to; it's been a few years since I queried them, it just was so specific and bizarre it stuck in my head). He's also one of those "you can send e-mail queries, but we won't reply unless we like you" people.
Ack.
I understand that since the 2001 anthrax attacks, the P O requires all letters to have a return address. That's when many agents and publishers started requiring SASEs with return addresses.
It was that exact list of qualifications that led to the purchase of the self-sealing envelopes that I use only for submissions and SASEs. Anal, yes, but I can see the value in it. I have a "thing" about licking envelopes, anyway.
They run through the printer more nicely, too.
Dear Ethan Ellenberg Anon:
We're all duly impressed that you recognized the submission criteria of one of the most popular agents in the business.
Ethan doesn't require self-sealing envelopes, by the way. He merely prefers them. His intern will respond to your query regardless of what kind of envelope you enclose.
I've had the same experience as Sarah Totton: self-sealing envelopes have a limited shelf life. One of these days all agents who blog rather than mail newsletters will respond electronically to queries rather than return SASE.
I worked for the Feds doing research, and nothing was accepted from the Post Office without a return address, a Purchase Order number on the outside, or a name of an employee on the envelop or box. Then it was X-rayed and opened in a secure bldg before being delivered.
Nothing, nothing, nothing was accepted unless the sender followed the directions. Even overnight FEDEX got X-Rayed. If a company didn't follow the instructions, we didn'y do business with that company. AND GUESS WHAT - every company, university and correspondent followed the instructions.
It's part of doing business. If you don't like it, too bad. If a company missed a bid deadline because they screwed up the package, no one listened or gave them a second chance.
I view these discussions as stupid and childish. Do what the recipient wants and quit whining.
One more thing,
When we needed a package in Washington DC the next day, we either sent it electronically, or we sent a credentialed employee to hand carry it in a car. (Western PA is about 5 hours drive). Otherwise, the package had to be x-rayed and that took a long time.
And don't say this is all stupid. We all know why there are postal restrictions on large envelopes and packages. Go ask the Post Ofice to train you how to spot letter bombs (that will scare the "poo-poo" out of you, to be blunt).
So SASE like the recipient wants.
Oh, great. I'm sending out letters tomorrow. No way am I re-addressing 1200 SASEs. (That's not a typo.)
Bill E. Goat: I'm sase!
Me: No, you're sassy!
Bill E.: That's what I said.
Me: So, now we have typos in the spoken word?
Bill E: Do you know how odd you are?
Me: I'm not the one who's ... I'm not odd! Go eat something. ...
Bill E: [muttering] Next she'll claim I have chat-bubbles floating over my head.
Brenda, I read somewhere (very possibly here) that a good trick for SASEs is to put "Your Last Name/Agent's Last Name" on the return address line, and then you'll always know who crushed your dreams...I mean...asked for a partial but forgot to sign it. :0P
Question: Do agents send acceptance letters in a SASE? Or do they use their own letterhead/envelopes (or call the author)? Are we just paying for rejections?
I recently had an agent request a full via my SASE. Oh happy day! I don't know if that's a standard practice, but it sure gave me a thrill.
Anonymous of the sheet of 2c stamps - I think that was a thoughtful and practical thing to do. Hope it works for you!
Speaking as someone who was once tasked with stuffing the rejection letter into the SASE and then sealing it...I would have loved anyone who enclosed a self-sealing envelope. It may not matter to you as the author who's being rejected, but believe me, the poor intern will appreciate it.
Heather, I've received requests for partials or full manuscripts in SASEs, so it's not just for rejections. Actually, only once did an agent call to request more pages, so I'd think using the SASE is the norm.
Dave, 1200? You're pulling our legs! Are there that many good agents out there?
The self-sealing envelopes cost maybe half a cent extra per envelope, depending on quantity. The way I figure it, this is one less envelope a tired agent's assistant or intern will have to lick when stuffing rejection letters.
Furthermore, putting the return address on the outside of the envelope lets me know up front who's sending me a rejection letter, so it works well for the author that way also.
I guess I'm just feeling a bit cynical tonight.
Last summer I judged a writing contest and each entrant was instructed to enclose a SASE so we could mail back a conformation that their entry had arrived. Maybe it was the humid weather or global warming, but on more than 20 of the return envelopes the flap was stuck down. The other judge has a very resourceful assistant who actually steamed open all of the stuck envelopes and later resealed them with a glue stick. (Yes, we took her to lunch for her efforts.)
There's a neato little gadget you can buy that has a sponge at one end and fills with water. One swipe across an envelope, it's done. Why anyone wouldn't expect an agent's office to have several of these is beyond me...after all, they buy real live office supplies for every other use, don't they? I mean, I assume they have reams of real paper on hand, real pens, paper clips, rubber bands, white-out, whatever...so what's the big exotic deal with having an envelope moistener? These things have been around for what, forty years? They cost what, less than $1?
As people have mentioned, the trouble with self-stick envelopes is that, often, they DON'T self stick. Or they stick too well, and the responder can't get them OPEN at the other end. Or they come unglued the moment they hit humidity. Or...or...or...I'd rather take my chances with an envelope sealed with conventional glue and a little sponge-jobber.
Requiring the self-sealing kind of envelope, with the hidden threat that anythine else will get tossed, to me goes over the line from "nicely anal" to "micromanaging people who aren't even your clients yet."
Require the postage, require the return address, certainly. But start dictating what kind of envelopes I have to use to basically hold a rejection (which, as someone eloquently put it, I'm already paying for)...and I start getting nervous tics. :-)
No one I know sends an acceptance letter (or even a "we like the first part of this, send the rest") in my SASE. I've never had anything but rejections in them. Sometimes even for rejections, the publisher doesn't use my envelope. They use their own stationery, their own metered postage, etc. So I go through the extra step of making sure I put the right amount of postage on, get the addresses right, and put in the self-stick envelope...only for them not to use it in the first place?
Sheesh!
Janny
There are a lot of agents. If you don't want to do what the agent asks for, don't send to him.
Just don't bitch about it.
It's his/her game, you want to play, do it his/her way.
I lean towards those who say pay attention to the details. If this is what the agents wants... do it. It shows that you care to follow the instructions. You take care with your work... why not with your agent search?
He is reading my full now.. and yup, I followed his requirements to the letter..
What Tessa said.
The agent has something you want. He's not going to lose sleep at night if you decide not to query him because his standards are too exacting for your tastes.
It's your loss, not his.
As for being the next Dan Brown and making him sorry for rejecting you... you're not, and he won't be.
I know the exact agent this person is talking about. I didn't want to go buy self-sealing envelopes either, especially since I already had some huge free ones! The agent is a good agent, and if the "querier" would have noticed on that website, it also said that you could e-mail your query as well, which is what I did---I love to do the free stuff!
Blog: Miss Snark, the literary agent (Login to Add to MyJacketFlap)
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Dearest Miss Snark,
I fear that I already know the answer to this question, but I am compelled to ask, nonetheless...
I have a successful "day job" career, but I'm trying to pursue my dream of writing a novel. I therefore recently signed up to attend my first writers' conference (a costly affair). I will have two one-on-one sessions with well-known agents. So far the writing is going well, and I hope to have a polished, final copy in about six months. Here's the catch: the conference is in one month.
I know, I know... I normally would not even dream of prematurely attempting to launch an unfinished work of fiction. I know that it should be finished, polished, put away, re-polished, etc., ad nauseum. The only reason that I am even thinking about dashing my chances prematurely with these two highly-coveted agents is because a) I am writing in a genre that is considered "hot" right now (and all things hot burn out quickly, as we well know), and b) my prominence in my "day job" gives me an excellent platform (it is directly related to the genre) that I believe any P.R.-minded agent or editor would drool over.
Am I a complete nitwit to even consider pitching an unfinished work, given the above?
Feel free to waste my time at a conference, I really don't care. I have to sit there all day anyway and one more guy with an unfinished novel is one easy answer: no. That said, we can sit there and drink gin.
No matter how enticing or hot or yummy, I can't sell an unfinished novel from a first time novelist. Maybe someone else can, but I'd get laughed off the phone by most of the editors I deal with.
They know, like I do, that the final 20% of the novel is harder to write than the preceding 80%. They know too that a first draft (which is what you're talking about when you first write THE END) is hardly ever something you should show anyone except your dog. That means you're a year from being really done, if you ever finish at all.
You've spent a lot of money hoping the rules don't apply to you. Even if you GET lucky and these agents ARE interested, they're buying for 2009 right now so anything you think of as hot NOW is something we were selling two years ago.
There are lots of reasons to attend a conference other than meeting agents. Take full advantage of them but do NOT expect agents are going to be falling all over a hot idea with an unfinished novel.
Yeah yeah but but...there's no reason you can't tell them about your book and ask them their advice about X Y and Z, right? Because you can't pitch it. You aren't ready. In fact you can come out and say that - I'm not trying to pitch you, this isn't ready yet, but...and then have some intelligent questions.
The agent just may offer to take a look at it when you're done. Don't ask. But she may offer. It happens. You may make a darned good impression. *If* you don't pitch.
BUT, all is not lost.
If you check the Snarkives for 11/4/05 and 2/2/07, you'll find excellent advice on how you CAN use your time even if you're not pitching a novel. Having someone who isn't pitching might even be a pleasant surprise to your agents.
I LOVE Blogspot's search feature.
I have a successful "day job" career, but I'm trying to pursue my dream of writing a novel.
I think you've aptly described everyone who will be there. But many have taken the time to write first, second and third drafts. They've joined critique groups, they've drafted endless query letters. They have tried, failed, and tried again. And they've spent years doing it.
One thing for sure: don't make excuses by saying "you're busy." Everyone there has demands on their lives and it does get boring hearing someone blow into a room with excuses on why they have not dotted their i's and crossed their t's.
A couple side notes.
I think it's just a part of general human nature to believe one is the exception to the rule. It occurs to everyone who files tax returns, that's for sure.
Also, I tend to think that putting away a manuscript for awhile is one of those myths we're told that sound good but don't really do good. I certainly understand the idea, that when the ms. is still new it's so burned into the neuronal circuits it's impossible to have an objective editorial view of it. I believe I disagree--for one thing, there's the danger that enthusiasm wanes, and also the danger that relevant and breakthrough ideas that linger just on the subconscious level but haven't broken through will fade away.
My experience with revisions (which are absolutely essential, not arguing there) is that what's important is critical analysis, which doesn't have to wait for x amount of weeks or months. Write the story in a creative frenzy, dissect it with cold reason.
Killer Yap has created today's word verification: kyoooo.
Someone just emailed me offline to ask how to pull the 11/4/05 and 2/2/07 posts out of the Snarkives.
Go to the white box in the upper left hand corner of Miss Snark's blog and type in the words "pitch sessions at writing conferences." Then click on the "search blog" icon. That will pull up the 2/2/07 post.
After you've read that post, go back to the white search box and type in "agents are human beings." That will pull up four posts, including the 11/4/05 post.
After you've read MS's blog for a while, you learn the key phrases that will pull up the kind of posts you want. I've shortcutted the process here. It actually took me three searches to find both posts.
Author, you sound like all of us in our early days of writing. We all thought we'd written the great American novel, and that the agents would drool over us. I hope you keep the faith and hang in there when the honeymoon is over and you're in the write/query/write/query rut the rest of us are in...
I, too, attended a conference way too early. I was halfway through my first draft of my first novel. I didn't pitch, but I did meet a well-known agent, and we had fun over dinner and drinks, and before the end of the conference, he said, "You should contact me when you're ready." Then, when he was in my town for another speaking gig, he emailed me to invite me to a cocktail party. Hell yeah I went.
Two years later, I'm still not ready to pitch (working on my FIFTH book now, crossing fingers that I've learned something during this process), but I'll never regret attending that conference. Go, have fun, be cool.
They know, like I do, that the final 20% of the novel is harder to write than the preceding 80%.
Miss Snark nailed it right on the head with this one. That's what makes us so itchy to start hawking our books before they're ready. It feels like we're almost done, and yet as you delve into your final phases of revisions, it can get more and more difficult (in terms of the actual writing and what you hear in you head: I've been working on it forever, it feels most of the way there, it's better than most of the crap out there, etc.)
In your initial post, you state that you know you're not ready. You're ahead of a lot of writers right there. Even though it feels like you're going to miss a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity, there will be more chances (lots), and they'll be real (not wasted chances) if you have a finished book. (This is what I keep telling myself, as I'm in yet another round of revisions on my second novel.)
I actually disagree with that whole "last 20% is hardest" part.
By the time I was 80% through, the last 20% was a breeze. I was energized, I knew exactly where I was heading, and the words just spilled out of me.
Now the FIRST 20%... hell... I've revisited that part a dozen times.
"Is it too slow?"
"Does it capture the reader's interest?"
"Am I trying to explain too much up front?"
"Am I not explaining enough?"
"Should I put certain detailed experiences up front as a prologue or later on as a flashback?"
Etc, etc, etc.
You see, I know that no agent is going to read the last 80% if the first 20% didn't knock their socks off.
My new mantra for this whole affair is:
"Don't jump the gun"
Patience isn't just a virtue in this business, it's the difference between yet another rejection letter and that "yes" we're all hunting for.
Don't pitch before it's finished, don't submit it until it's so polished you want to throw up on it if you read it one more time.
I agree with typemonkeytype about having some intelligent questions to talk with the agent about. That's a good use of time if you're not ready to pitch it and you'll still get some good advice I'd think.
From the original poster:
Thanks, all -- fabulous advice. Based on your input, I will fess up right away to the agents, and tell them up front that I'm not pitching, just consulting.
As a new/aspiring author, I probably would have foolishly tried to "dazzle" the agents into accepting a pitch for an unfinished work. Thanks for talking me off of that ledge!
The good thing is, you signed up' for the "costly affair." No need for ME to address the bad -- that has pretty much already been covered.
But, -- signing up for one/ones [regardless who's there and despite your feeling 'this opportunity may not come around again' -- any tme SOON!] is NOT mandatory.
IF this is your first (?) there's a lot to be learned at a well-planned/staffed conference!
Is your WIP truly THAT timely? Will the subject matter NOT be "hot" a year from now--regardless the current trend?
I’m going to my first conference soon – chosen because it has workshops that are both basic to the industry and specific to my genre and agents who represent it. My book will be finished by the time I arrive, but pitching it is secondary. My primary reason for attending is to learn as much as possible about the industry and my genre and to make some contacts for the future.
I hope to come away with enough information to decide if I’m ready to start querying or if I need to start working on the fourth draft. I look at this as an opportunity to prevent me from perennially patronizing the Nitwit’s Lounge.
They know too that a first draft (which is what you're talking about when you first write THE END) is hardly ever something you should show anyone except your dog. That means you're a year from being really done, if you ever finish at all.
Amen. Amen Amen AmenAmenAmen.
Okay, enough break time. Back to work I go.
Question: Do agents see people who aren't pitching (they want to use their time to ask questions) as a waste of their time?
'That means you're a year from being really done, if you ever finish at all.'
Just to clarify - it doesn't take everyone a year to finish a book. Maybe the first as you learn the process - but most good writers get better with professional editors anyway - not on their own.
And if you think you can "make it" - (live off your writing income) in commerical fiction on only a book a year - think again.
The years and years between releases = success is reserved for the very few.
"By the time I was 80% through, the last 20% was a breeze."
I'll only believe this if you've sold the book (I don't mean gotten an agent; I mean gotten a publishing contract) already.
It might seem much easier to finish a book -- I know what you mean about writing the ending being quicker. But unless your book is about to come out in print, I don't trust your opinion. Everyone thinks their book's great, from beginning to end.
I'm often deeply disappointed in the endings of books, because it seems as if the author "got bored" and didn't bother to make the ending as memorable as the 3/4 that came before it.
"But unless your book is about to come out in print, I don't trust your opinion."
Please name your books in print or consider your opinion to be pure hypocrisy.
Original poster, good job in listening to the given advice. Trust us! Barring that, trust Miss Snark!
I agree with the final 20% not being as difficult to write. Once I've done my job with the characters and the story, the ending is a logical conclusion of what came before.
Incidentally, I agree that going back after the first draft to get the first 20% right is the hardest part. That anonymous and I must be the exceptions to prove the rules, or maybe we each struggle with different things as writers.
I don't disagree with anonymous who is disappointed in many endings (see Stephen King).
Blog: Miss Snark, the literary agent (Login to Add to MyJacketFlap)
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Miss Snark is glad to see that others too like to light their hair on fire.
Miss Snark, I wrote you a song:
Beautiful snarker, snark unto me,
Snarklights and poodles are waiting for thee;
Snarks of the rude world, snarked in the day,
Lulled by the ginpail have all snarked away!
Beautiful snarker, queen of my song,
Snark while George Clooney gets freaky with thee;
Gone are the squirrels of life’s busy throng,
Beautiful snarker, oh snark unto me…
Beautiful snarker, oh snark unto me!
Blog: Miss Snark, the literary agent (Login to Add to MyJacketFlap)
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Hi Miss Snark--
I've been querying my novel since March and have gotten responses from a few big agencies. I'm in my second round now, sending samples to the agents who said yes to a letter, and presentation packets to those who said yes to a sample. All of the former have turned me down. (what the fuck is a presentation packet for a novel anyway??)
One agency requested temporary exclusivity on a three-chapter sample after reading my letter. This is, I've read, one of the most (reputable? powerful?) agencies in the industry, but they had no submission guidelines listed anywhere, not even on their own website. I sent the sample over, but also sent an e-mail saying that while I'd be happy to give them exclusivity effective that day, my submission was already simultaneous (this was also stated in my query). Their rejection came less than a week later.
Given the very quick turnaround, I can't help but think that this was because I could not offer them exclusivity. But had they been interested, I might have been caught in a lie, which I think is no way to establish a business relationship. Would it have been better to lie? Am I just being naive here?
Another agent sent along a few criticisms with her rejection, and, my gigantic writer ego aside, I thought they were preposterous. She suggested that I stop using the passive voice, add more dialogue, and put in more vivid descriptions--all intentional personal style choices that were direct results of the novel's story.
My own business sense and understanding of the market, coupled now with the fact that big agencies have responded to my queries, tell me that this novel is most likely sellable. That being said, I'm thinking that this agent--and the others who said no to a requested sample--liked the premise, but not my writing style in executing it.
But if a novel has marketability, does its style really affect that? Or is there something I'm missing here?
Yea, a clue.
What on earth led you to conclude the novel was "sellable" (and it's "saleable" but maybe you chose that word on purpose too)? You've got a fistful of rejections from people who've READ the thing!!
Just because someone said no quickly doesn't mean they didn't read it. I can turn things around pretty damn fast if I see right away that it doesn't work.
You've got passive voice, limited dialogue and flat description. Yes, I know you described it differently but that's what I get from what you said. Say what you will about downmarket fiction, it's usually full of dialogue and pretty vivid.
What you have here sounds like a high concept, badly executed book. Of course I haven't read it, so take that with a grain of salt. The only thing that really makes me think I'm right on the money here is the idea you actually have a presentation packet for a novel. I'm almost afraid to ask whats in it.
I must be psychic - I heard the clue gun cocking somewhere around the third or fourth sentence in.
Oh...
No feathers or a musical card with my pages?
*dammit*
What about spritzing it with my favorite perfume?
"...my gigantic writer ego aside..."
Oddly enough, most writers have tiny, fragile little egos that have us scurrying toward the ice cream when an agent sends constuctive criticism (note to any agents who might be reading it: this does NOT mean we want you to stop sending it).
I'm hazarding a guess here, but I suspect the writer is a successful business type who is able to write a dynamite query letter.
While being able to write a coherent and compelling business letter is a good start, it's far from writing a good novel. And saying that you opted as a conscious choice for passive voice and lengthy stretches of narrative is a big hint that you aren't yet aware of that difference.
Try picking up a couple of cheap copies of your favorite novels. Color code the narrative, dialogue and action using different colored highlighters. I'll bet the narrative will be far outweighed by the action and dialogue.
Good luck to you. Asking MS for advice was an excellent move.
Dismissing advice from an expert in any field you are NOT an expert in as "preposterous" is the height of nitwittery.
Do you tell the lawyer his free legal advice is uninformed when you're not a lawyer?
Of course not! So why would you ignore the advice of someone who is presumably professional enough to know what sells to publishers and HAS sold to publishers (so presumably knows what she's doing) that her ideas ware preposterous?
She has sold many books. You have sold... none.
I'd listen to the expert.
Don't mistake "voice" for ineptitude. Your "deliberate choice" is crippling your work. Take that critique at face value... it's solid gold.
The whole "presentation packet" idea screams "marketing plan" to me.
I know this is considered blasphemy in some circles, but I can see how using the passive voice and very little dialogue could both be valid artistic decisions. But I'm struggling to see why you would deliberately avoid vivid description.
Another agent sent along a few criticisms with her rejection,
I'd say that was very generous of the agent to be that specific in their feedback to you. They could've tossed it into the shredder where it would be raining down on the Agent Parade they have each July down Madison Avenue.
The agent reads thousands of submissions each year, and if she says something is wrong with the voice, just don't take it as opinion, take it from someone who probably has a good idea of what he or she is talking about.
Voice, style, tone, description ---those are things you get worked out in the first, second and final drafts.
I'm a great believer in George Orwell's rules for a good plain style - and he was saying avoid the passive two generations ago.
Yes, there's a place for the passive. Say, a character who never wants to blame anyone, so says thing like, 'It was thought a good idea to ...' But as a narrative style it distances the reader.
I don't think it's great in business letters either and I used to write a lot of them. It's just a way of weaselling out of admitting ownership of daft ideas.
Those silly, stupid agents, always trying to make a work actually worth reading. Preposterous.
Don't they understand my book is supposed to be dull and hard to read?
Yeah... what in the world is a presentation package?
I'm dying to know what a presentation packet is.
Ok, bucko, let me help you out here. This has really really worked for me. And it has saved my writing ass on many many occasions.
Let's take this important part of your letter,"Setting my gigantic ego aside.." and redo it, so that it reads something more like:
"Telling my gigantic ego to fuck off and die."
I started doing this when I first began writing a year ago. I had similar thoughts to the ones you've expressed in your letter, except I didn't go in for the conference. I'm too cheap to do that, but even so, I was pretty sure if I just pitched my idea to an agent, voila, ring around the rosie, they'd all fall over me.
I was equally sure I was above any editorial suggestions. After all, you can't touch a masterpiece. That's just wrong. Really. That would be like some smartass contemporary composer like me adding a new movement to the Beethoven ninth symphony!
Beethoven wouldn't just turn over in the grave. War would break out. Again. (See Bible)
Anyway, as the novel progressed, it got harder and harder. I had more problems than Ricky had with Lucy. Pretty soon, my ego retreated, a pale imitation of it's former self.
And then a strange thing happened. As I defeated each problem successfully,I gained enough confidence to tell my ego to fuck off and die, whenever visions of grandeur did the sugar plum fairy in my bedroom suite.
Today? Well, I'm working my ass off. My novel is percolatin'.And my ego and I are getting along just fine.
The author touched on a pet peeve of mine--justifying a poor writing decision by saying it was done on purpose.
Though the author at least made a conscious choice, one must remember that being annoying on purpose is still annoying (yes, I've learned the hard way on that one).
She suggested that I stop using the passive voice, add more dialogue, and put in more vivid descriptions--all intentional personal style choices that were direct results of the novel's story.
I can't think of any story that benefits from passive voice and lack of vivid descriptions. In fact, those two problems are huge markers that the writer doesn't know WTF they're doing in prose.
Here's why passive voice is bad. ZZZZZZZZZZZ...*snore* Puts readers to sleep. Stories have to have excitement, and passive voice strips the chance to build intensity.
When I was teaching college English composition, one of the problems I had was getting my students to put in detail. "We don't want to bore the audience," was the universal excuse. I'd usually grab the table and howl at that point. Then my advice: "Specific details make the essay (story) interesting! I want to know the specifics so I can see it in my head!" Vague details leave mushy pictures in my head, and I don't like mush.
Less dialogue doesn't bother me as much. Now that is a legitimate story decision. However, if the agent notices the lack, that's an indicator that your Story is out of whack.
If you'll actually listen to advice, here are a few things you should do.
1. Do some studying. Read some books on writing so that you get a better understanding of Story. Read books in your genre to see what they're doing prose-wise and Story-wise to capture and keep their audience.
2. Buy Noah Lukeman's The First Five Pages. I'd almost take a bet that you've probably made almost every error that he talks about in the first part of his book. Even if you haven't, the book will be a plunge into ice water for you on the realities of what agents are really looking for.
3. Join a critique group that's known for its honest, helpful critiques.
3a. Take what they say seriously and don't whimper "But I planned it like that."
Good luck with getting that gigantic ego under control.
The good news: if you deliberately chose to write in a way that you now see is hindering the sale of your work, you can just as deliberately fix it.
There are ways to structure your novel to artistically suit your premise without using devices that are off-putting to so many.
Maybe you can save this particular artistic presentation for when you're already established and your publisher is willing to print just about anything you write.
Good luck with it. =)
I included a whole slew of "intentional personal style choices" in my last novel. I guess I was trying to be...I don't know...more lyrical, maybe. The book sold, but the editor was quick to point out that my "intentional personal style choices" were annoying, and in her opinion, should take a hike. I bought them tiny boots, backpacks, and mosquito repellant and sent them on their way. And I learned my lesson. Now I just write.
Yanno, if I received a critque of why my submission was rejected, I think it would make me go "Hmmm.... ok - let's see where I went wrong." Sure, it'd come AFTER I fumed for a few minutes, but I certainly wouldn't think that I (the rejectee) knew more than the agent (the rejector) when it comes to saleability (or sellibility). After all, which one of us is actually going to be selling it.
Ms(or Mr) Clueless, meet Ms Cluegun... Trust me, you need it.
"a successful business type who is able to write a dynamite query letter"
Shit, fuck, and dammit. maya reynolds has, in one brief, brilliant sentence, described why I gave up after 10 years of trying to get published. Clearly, given my request rate (I got tons of interest from big agents, with excitement just in the requests... phone calls back in the day, and agents willing to bat pages back and forth with me via email, plus I had an agent twice), I write a query letter that gets 'em salivating.
Clearly also, I don't deliver. I guess I'm writing novels for my own taste still. Or rather, I was. For now, I'm on a self-imposed sabattical.
But thank you for explaining the reason, maya. All those years and I never figured out the key was that I was in business writing and editing at the time!
Since I follow a long line of comments, [of which you will no doubt wish to argue] I will keep mine short. Well, maybe not---
Everyone who studies this craft knows, 'you show, not tell' your stories. A reader can't fully appreciate your work if they can't 'see' or 'feel' what you're writing about.
You also use your characters to 'act' out your storyline. Always telling it in an 'active' voice so that readers can 'feel' the tension, heartbreak, love, or pain.
I believe it's possible to maintain one's artistic intensions and still write in an active, descriptive voice. Otherwise you may risk not sharing them at all.
I really thought this was a badly done joke.
Of course, if it was meant as a joke, it means the writer's comedy is just as bad as his character's attitude.
On another point, it's possibly doing yourself no favours to send 'samples to the agents who said yes to a letter, and presentation packets to those who said yes to a sample'. You're sending them stuff they haven't agreed to. I mean, if you agreed somebody could call you at work, and they took that as permission to turn up on the doorstep of your house, you'd be put off, no? It's best to stick to doing what they said you could do.
Pushing the foot-in-the-door policy risks irritating people. You're much better off showing them that you have some patience and waiting for their agreement before sending them things.
Please don't be too proud to seriously consider any advice an agent or editor gives you en route to publication.
Of course, I haven't read your book. But I agree with the posters who point out that the agent knows what she is talking about, having been in the business much longer than you.
I'd get a critique of your book from a few other people, online or offline, and see if their reactions match the agent's. If so, you might want to think about revision.
Sure, it's humbling to have to sit down and do an overhaul. But it can be worth it.
I'm going to take a crazy guess on this one. If you study a marketplace and find that everyone's doing X, it's natural to think, "Why, if I did N, I could clean the floor with these people! I'll really stand out! They'll hail me as an innovative force of change! I WILL BE THEIR GOD!"
Sometimes this is true. Other times, everyone's doing X because they've already figured out that N doesn't work. In this case, it's definitely the latter.
There are solid reasons why these things don't work, reasons that any writer is free to cheerfully ignore. Just remember that your "revolutionary" is everyone else's "boring and irritating." Take your lumps, heed everyone's advice, go back to the basics, and start again.
I agree with CMonster--this has got to be a joke. I mean "a packet" and gigantic ego and passive voice a choice? Come on.
One good thing came out of it, lots of great discussion in the comments.
Presentation packet might just mean letter, synopsis, chapters.
I also think agents are capable of "not getting it" just like anyone else. It's like the writing group where eight people love the story and the last two look at each other, confused.
Having said that, the two suggestions in question sounded valid to me.
You have to follow the rules until you've sold enough books to break them. Any one of those things are a red flag to an agent. Plus you need to be willing to edit. If you have agents who do love the book, but want a rewrite, you should invest the time. It will be worth it. Dialog, description, and the active voice cannot be passed over in this cut-throat market. Even if an agent did take you on, and "if" she sold your book to a publisher, the reviewers will not be kind.
Clearly also, I don't deliver. I guess I'm writing novels for my own taste still.
Don't come down on yourself too hard. I doubt that it's your taste in stories that's holding you back. If it were, you wouldn't have gotten bites on your queries. I rather suspect your concepts are solid, but your execution of those concepts needs work. The advice I gave earlier will work just as well here as it does for the writer of the original letter in this post. :)
Don't give up, Anonymous2. Study craft now that you have high concepts and the ability to write kick-ass query letters. And good luck!
"I started doing this when I first began writing a year ago."
Wow. A whole year.
Hmm? What's the problem here? Let me see...13 "to be" verbs in the original post before I stopped counting, another five passages to drive me nuts before I stopped counting (e.g., "I can't help but think this was because I could not offer...."), 13 I's without including any of the my's and me's. My fifth grade teacher said not to do that. Something tells me the novel needs work, the ego a bit of downsizing, but the concept sings. Good luck.
Original poster here--
Thanks to everyone for your responses, especially MS, but I think a few points have been misconstrued.
I wasn’t pretending my work was above criticism. I’ve had this thing reviewed and critiqued by several people in and out of the entertainment industry, and have taken a lot of suggestions over the two years since I started it.
The particular criticisms of this agent weren’t relevant, when taking into account the story, its narrator, and my personal writing preferences. By the same token that Mecha’s aptly-named “crazy guess” of tailoring a work to specifically counter a marketplace’s norm would be impractical, so would it be to start using active voice for a narrator that wouldn’t, due to his or her personality and circumstances. It wasn’t a case of breaking rules (Re Heather B. Moore’s comment), but of creating a cohesive work where the narration fit that character. There is such a thing as stylization. Going back and forcing active voice onto a narrator simply because that’s what’s more common would be a square peg. THAT’s what made it preposterous, not the very idea that my precious manuscript would actually need editing.
Again, I didn’t get ONLY rejections on this. For the eight weeks I’ve been querying, I’ve gotten a lot of positive responses; THAT tells me that this thing is sellable (which I think is a perfectly good synonym for “saleable,” unlike the case of “yeah” vs. “yea”). What strikes me as odd, however, is that rejections are coming from agents who read only the letter first, and that requests to see more of my work are coming from the ones who got the sample on first contact.
And that was the heart of my question--whether personal style, which comes across mainly in the sample, was more important a factor than marketability, which presents itself in the query. If the work has a hook and reads decently, I don’t see that as as much of a problem as something that’s blissfully colorful and wonderfully descriptive but without punch. If the premise had no marketing potential, none of these agencies would reply in the first place. Competitive market, piles of slush, and all that jazz.
The whole school of ‘be as descriptive as possible in every possible situation’ (Re Gerri) has always irked me, reminding me of a preschool exercise during crayon time. I’m sure this has influenced my own writing style, but keep in mind that Lukeman did include chapters on both subtlety and the dangers of adverbs and adjectives.
Re everyone’s guesses, I had Lukeman’s guidelines down (through thorough research) before I bought his book, I’ve never sent an agent anything they didn’t request or agree to (no idea where Kit Whitfield’s assumptions came from), and I didn’t invent the focus group. Nice tries, though. And the majority of professional writers I’ve met and worked with have egos that could fill a Macy’s Thanksgiving Day balloon.
And just to cool everyone’s fears--the presentation packet was just a larger sample or manuscript plus a full synopsis. No glitter or decorative soaps or freeze-dried ice cream. Yeesh.
I've written 25 books, and had 21 published. I have three in the pipeline to be published later in 2007 and 2008. Seventeen books are still in print, and I just signed an addendum to my contract to offer all of them as e-books. Okay, enough about my credentials. Here's the important part:
Want to know the secret to being published? The reader is more important than the author. Period.
Don't they understand my book is supposed to be ... hard to read?
If it was hard to write, it should be hard to read. Similar to that story of the hillbilly who sent her cousin a letter that began, "I'm writin' this slow because I know you don't read so fast."
For me personally, I am so worried about this phenomenon [warning: large PDF] that I almost can't accept compliments any more. When I get an acceptance (short stories only so far, alas), my opinion of that particular journal plummets.
But seriously, any time you feel like opening a sentence with "my gigantic ego aside, I thought..." you need to reflect on whether you're really setting aside your gigantic ego. I'll lay ten to one that you're not.
Finally, to the business writer currently on sabbatical from fiction: If you were good at business writing, then you have all the tools. You just need to learn to apply them differently. And, unlike in business where it's relatively easy to sell a crap product with a good sales pitch, this industry demands a good product and a good sales pitch. When you're selling to someone who has to sell to someone else who has to sell to the public, you're not likely to get far with a crappy product.
I had a friend (who had just finished writing a novel) describe something that sounds like this "presentation package." Essentially, it was a marketing package: special folder, logo/letterhead for the book, etc. I don't think she expected it to be used by the publishing house for marketing, but to make her own work stand out.
My day job's in a creative field (not writing) and have run across "presentation" style resumes in a similar vein.
Not saying it works, but since you asked...
Looks like the original poster is doing things backward: he/she cultivated the snotty, obnoxious personality and resistance to advice (nice job of biting the hand he/she asked for a snack) before getting the fat publishing contract.
The whole school of ‘be as descriptive as possible in every possible situation’ (Re Gerri) has always irked me, reminding me of a preschool exercise during crayon time. I’m sure this has influenced my own writing style, but keep in mind that Lukeman did include chapters on both subtlety and the dangers of adverbs and adjectives.
Description doesn't require adjectives and adverbs. Description can be as subtle as using "sauntered" instead of "walked".
Description = details. Details need to be specific. There's a vast difference between a book and a novel, between a building, a house, or a home. Vague = bad. Specific = good.
"I want to go back to the house."
"I want to go back home."
If you reread my response, you'll see that I emphasized details, not description.
Compare these two:
"The day was hot."
"My husband complained, "I'm marinating in my own sweat."
Vivid mental image, no?
And since you brought up Lukeman's chapter on Subtlety...
"A writer who is confident need not prove anything, need not try to grab attention with spates of stylism or hyperbole or melodrama"(159).(emphasis mine)
"The reader is more important than the author. Period."
This is going on my desk where I can see it every day. Thank you, anonymous.
Did we ever figure out what a presentation packet is? I'm guessing it involves scented paper and possibly some confetti?!?!?
Well, I was giving the writer the benefit of the doubt when I wrote my first reply. I've revised my opinion.
He was looking for validation, not advice. The narcissistic rage peeking through his answer ("Yeah" vs. "Yea") is a big clue.
After reading his snotty response, I predict that Mr. Stylistic will be flogging his manuscript for a looonnnnnggggg time.
We all know the type. You run into them everywhere. They complain about the dumbing down of the publishing industry and have the arrogance to lecture a professional on "creating a cohesive work where the narration fit (sic) that character."
While the rest of us are seeking critiques from fellow writers, he's talking to "people in and out of the ENTERTAINMENT industry." Be still, my beating heart!
Spare me.
But if a novel has marketability, does its style really affect that? Or is there something I'm missing here?
I'm not sure anyone's said this yet:
The way you put that question sounds like you think that marketability and style are two separate, unrelated things. Unless you're Dan Brown, they're not. If a book has a supremely marketable concept and an absolutely unreadable style, it's not marketable. The back-cover copy may be, but the book itself isn't.
This isn't product advertising - it's not like you have the new wonder vitamin that will cure the common cold, but you've put it in a scuzzy wrapper, and all the marketers have to do is repackage it in line with market research. The style IS the book. If it's not saleable, the book's not saleable.
Clearly this particular agent felt it wasn't. That doesn't necessarily mean others will feel the same way, but I wouldn't dismiss it offhand.
Is there any way that her comments can be used to make your book better? If so, use them. If not, then it's possible that you and she simply don't have the same tastes - but if you keep getting the same response from more agents, there's a limit to how long you can dismiss it.
fwiw, saleable, salable, and sellable are all listed on dictionary.com as legitimate variants of the same word.
To the original poster--
If you used passive voice, flat description, and scant dialogue to reflect a particular character's POV, you should also be aware that you chose a potentially offputting method of communicating the story. If there's one rule of writing that must always be followed, without fail--a prime directive, if you will--it's that a writer must engage the reader.
Blog: Miss Snark, the literary agent (Login to Add to MyJacketFlap)
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Dear Miss Snark,
Please help me avoid acting clueless. I want to maximize my opportunities without doing something that will make agents snarl. Here's the deal. I will be submitting my recently completed novel in a contest. The contest meets the Snark Test, as it is one YOU posted some months ago with a note that if we felt compelled to enter a contest it was a good one. (Bless you...it was your blog that put me onto the contest.) The winner gets a publishing contract with St. Martin's.
So, the question. I want to query agents while the ms. is under contest consideration. If I wait until I hear that I did not win, I've lost six months. If I do win (Dear Dog in Heaven, get me the smelling salts), then I'd like an agent anyway to advise me on the 'standard contract' they will offer the winner. But will prospective/interested agents be put off that the ms. is in a competition?
Querying agents while the ms is in a contest: bad form or good business? Please advise.
I think it's fine. I wouldn't elevate an eyebrow at that info in a query letter.
In fact you're smart to pursue all avenues.
(You do want to mention it in your cover letter of course.)
And if you win, email me again. I have a lifetime supply of salts here at Snark Central. One must always be prepared for a sighting of Mr. Clooney...or this guy
Ooh, Baryshnikov's looking good for an old fart. I've lusted after him since I was a preteen.
Here's what happened to me when I did that. I had a manuscript that I thought was good to go, so I queried a few agents. Everyone had answered but one by the time the deadline for the contest was coming up, so I went ahead and entered because the agency was a BIG one and why would they want little ole me if everyone else turned me down? Short story long, the agent got in touch with me right after that and I had to admit to her I'd sent it off to a contest, BUT I had another manuscript ready to go out!!! I pitched it to the agent who said, "send it on". The agent liked what she saw and things progressed from there. I now have an agent (albeit, not that one, but that was my choice in the end). I did not win the contest, by the way and I'm now revising that manuscript again. So the moral is...keep writing while it's sitting in limbo! Oh, and where did I get that sage advice? Why Miss Snark, of course!
Yum!
Mikhail Baryshnikov just gets better with age, doesn't he?
Thank you, Miss Snark - that photo is going on my desktop!
wait a minute, I totally have dibs on Mikhail, from back when I was 12. you keep your stilettos off of him, Miss Snark. you can have George; Mikhail is mine.
Miss Snark, I kept clicking on those Vanity Fair pictures. #8 seems more your style.
Here's hoping that was your office building, Miss Snark... Mr. B's on his way!
I saw Baryshnikov a long time ago when I was a teen. The rumor was he had ripped all his tights and was borrowing nylons to dance in. wow. wow. wow.
Oceans 13 -- in theaters June 8.
:)
OK, can someone please post a link to this contest? I've been MIA for a while.
You have very good taste in second choices. Baryshnikov is yum (a courageous Aquarian, my favorite flavor of man).
Jeez, Miss Snark, you do like them crusty. Not that Mr B & Mr C aren't gorgeous, but their meat is considerably hardened on the bone, n'est-ce pas?
Mikhail. Long sigh.
Old fart? OLD FART? I'll have you know, you pipsqueak, that wine gets better with age!!!
Great choice, Miss S. Baryshnikov can munch crackers in my bed any day. (And I'd be willing to bet he still has that 20-year-old body, too.)
Keeping me on a string wouldn't be that easy.
- G
Blog: Miss Snark, the literary agent (Login to Add to MyJacketFlap)
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Your Snarkiness,
While lounging at the bookstore today, browsing through the tables of "Was $25, now $3.99" books, I wondered... who takes the loss on these huge discounts? The publisher has sent the books to the bookstore, but I know the bookstore can get its money back if it returns the books to the publisher. But if the bookstore instead sells them at what I presume is a loss, is it the bookstore that takes the hit? Or does the publisher somehow not get its full price?
Basically, I'm just hoping it's not the author, but I have a bad feeling...
My two cats send a wary greeting to Killer Yapp and wish him a pleasant afternoon, as far away from them as possible.
Killer Yapp is safely passed out cold on the sofa after a busy day at Grandmother Snark's gnawing on roast beast and fetching a red rubber ball that seemed to always be bouncing around (silly humans, losing things, you don't notice poodles losing their toys).
I think I know the answer to this but I'm going to foist it off on Ben at BleakHouse for his podcast.
Ben...would you school us all on remainders?
Short version, a publisher can only deduct the cost of printing a book once it's been sold. Something that's not moving gets remaindered: They sell it to a remainder house at a steep discount which then gets it out to stores (there are some stores, in fact, which sell only remainders). A publishing contract typically specifies that the author gets a percentage of what the publisher gets for each book sold, so they get a much reduced royalty on remaindered books, although it's somewhat moot since a book that gets remaindered is probably not earning out its advance either.
I don't know exactly how the pain is shared on remainders, but speaking as an author, I can tell you that I get nothing at all.
Some contracts give you small royalties for remainders, but it might as well be nothing--if a book's remaindered, it's going out of print. I have one book that's been out for 9 years and sold about 50,000 copies in that time...the publisher for that book is now remaindering it.
So it can be remaindered even if it sells more than a handful.
On the other hand, my latest book sold 50,000 copies in three months. Big difference there in incentive to keep something on the shelf.
Stores get remaindered books at a special low price, and part of the deal is that they're non-returnable.
One of the problems with a big table full of cheap books in the front of the store is that it can prevent customers going inside where the full priced books are. I guess that's why stores have a sale now and then, rather than a permanent display of remainders. (It's also why the remainder-only stores came into being.)
If things still work as they did when I worked at a bookstore, remaindered books don't come from the bookstore's stock--that is, they don't take a $25 book and mark it down. The store sends the $25 book back to the publisher. Then the publisher puts a mark on the edge of the book, packs it into a box with other random remaindered books (including those which never left the warehouse) which it will then send to any bookstore that has a $3.99 table.
Most publishing contracts specify that authors get no royalty on books sold at less than cost. Most remainders are sold for less than the printing cost, so they would be royalty-free.
The process of remaindering runs like so:
--Sales slow
--Inventory noticed to be high
--Remainder dealers contacted, and if you're lucky, bids come in.
--Publisher writes off printing cost, development cost, etc. and takes 2 aspirin for the pain.
--Deal made, books sold to dealer.
--Dealer re-sells to stores.
As for remainders cannibalizing other book sales, I would be dubious about that. Consider: the Riggios (B&N) are very smart guys, and they have lots of remainders up front. They wouldn't do this if they were losing money thereby. And their margins on the other books are much higher, in general. I suspect the remainders are the loss-leaders of publishing, and actually encourage further impulse buying.
I tagged you for a Thinking Blogger Award. I enjoy your blog.
I don't sell new books. From an antiquarian bookseller's point of view a "remainder marked" book is less desirable. I wish they would stop the practice.
What is "remainder marked?" They take a black marker and draw a dash on the bottom edge of the text-block. Why not just put a "sale sticker" on the dust jacket? That comes off with lighter fluid, leaving no damage to the DJ. (No, silly, not a deejay, the dust jacket.)
We also hate price clipping. That nasty practice can make it hard to distinguish an original jacket from one borrowed from a book club edition. Clip the corner and they're often not distinguishable.
Do pixies buy remainders? Sure. Cheap is good, that is for my own personal use.
It cannot but be the Author. The last in the food chain.
Actually, the margins on remainders are, for bookstores, pretty good. Even though the dollar amount per book is low, what retailers look at is profit per dollar of product and then sales per square foot. Remainders move faster, thus the extra "turns" make them more profitable in some cases than selling new books.
As others have said, it's the publishers' only way to recoup a portion of the printing cost for books they will never sell. And as some comments indicate, authors get little or nothing on them, but remainder always represent a loss for the publisher, so that's not unfair.
Now, mixed in with the remainders are "promotional books." These are often books that were authored on a "for hire" basis and went out of print, or were never published in this country. The original publisher can get some value from the book if another publisher prints it and pays them something. They are typically printed in Asia and so the economics allow them to look like a good value and still everyone makes something.
The other interesting phenom, as alluded to, is hurt books. Some of them aren't really hurt. A lot of publishers have figured out that it costs more to sift through returns than it is worth for the copies they find that are unharmed, so every returned boook goes into the hurt pile to be sold at remainder prices.
But aside from the promotional books, the remainder table represents failure for the publisher and profits for the retailer.
One place that sells remaindered books and hurts is the Green Valley Book Fair
A lot of hurts I have seen at Green Valley look just fine just as Eric Riback said.
http://gvbookfair.com
Some heartening notes for authors living in fear of the remainder table:
1. Seeing your book on a remainder table does not mean the book didn't do well at regular price. As mentioned, sometimes these books come from returns (entire companies live to sort returns and sell the books at low prices to retailers). And of course, demand for a hardcover drops significantly once a paperback is released--you'll notice a lot of Nora Roberts and James Patterson on remainder tables, and believe me, it's not because their sales were flat, it's because their hardcover print runs were huge and there happened to be some left over by the time the mass market was launched.
2. Remainder customers are often people who wouldn't have bought the book at full price, but will take a chance on it at $4.98. If they like the book, they're much more likely to pay full price for the author's next release.
3. Many of your favorite stores are kept alive by remainders. It's a high-margin, high-turn business and that can make all the difference to a struggling independent bookstore. The money earned from remainder sales helps keep alive the people who hand-sell your books.
4. Some customers know all of the above. Not everyone looks at a remainder table and thinks that the books didn't work. Some people are just thrilled to get interesting titles at a good price.
Blog: Miss Snark, the literary agent (Login to Add to MyJacketFlap)
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You want to find out what goes on at a publishing company?
Here's your chance.
Ben at Bleak House books is doing a podcast a day about publishing.
Here's the link.
First thing I wanna know....
When's the new John Galligan book coming out?? I'm desperate here.
Sorry to see you're going off the air, Miss Snark. If people interested in the remainder book business miss Ben's podcast, they might check Larry May's www.bargainbooknews.com. The biggest remainder shows in the country are CIROBE (Chicago), The Spring Book Show (Atlanta), the Summer Book Show (formerly Nashville, now Atlanta) and BEA (NYC this year). Most of the big players in the business have New York showrooms in addition to marketing at the shows.
Blog: Miss Snark, the literary agent (Login to Add to MyJacketFlap)
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Dear Miss Snark,
There are approximately 6,800 spoken languages in the world, but only around 2,200 of them have writing systems. That leaves 4,600 languages that don’t have alphabets. When I saw that data I pounced on the opportunity, and I’ve just completed my new book titled “How to Invent an Alphabet”.
But I can’t print the book in any of those 4,600 languages, because they don’t have alphabets yet! And if it’s published as an audio book, those people might not see the need for an alphabet in the first place.
I know my book will be a best seller if I can get past those tiny little details. Any suggestions?
YouTube!
Who wouldn't want to have books and a library after seeing this
**when she's not down to the PigglyWiggly of course
Write it in English. Most people in the world speak and write in English, even if their native language has no alphabet.
Prank letter or not, I can think of worse things than taking after Saint Cyril. Best of luck.
Well, it's not a publishing contract, but you might want to look at the work that's already being done by JAARS and the Wycliffe Bible Translators; that's kind of their thing.
A meaty bone to Killer Yapp.
Gosh I'm still laughing after watching that. My mum is a librarian and I can't even imagine what she would do if students starting singing in the middle of the reading room.
PigglyWiggly. Do they have those in New York? We had one, but it's been gone about 20-25 years.
I think some writers of fantasy would love that book when they're creating new cultures.
That was hilarious. Miss Snark, you enlighten every day. Now, off to watch every single YouTube video that group has made!
OOoooh the Pig! The only grocery store in my little Alabama town.
Yes, it's a funky name. But it makes as much sense as Shoprite! And it doesn't have weird cart escalators either.
As for the book, I'd say - do translations in their languages on audio. Transition them into a written alphabet by sending written books to go with the audio. Then ship them Campbell's Alphabet soup in their own new language. Follow with a Pig in every town.
Can literacy be far behind?
susanna in alabama
Oh. My. Geez. That video was the funniest thing I watched all day! I think I liked the confused looks of the non-participants the best. XD
I will say something nice about your retirement from the blogosphere in the next issue of the Southern Review of Books, which posts on June 15.
Blog: Miss Snark, the literary agent (Login to Add to MyJacketFlap)
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Well, this is a clever way to see the limits of artificial intelligence.
Just type in Thomas Pynchon and see what comes up.
I mean David Sedaris is a wonderful writer and I love his work, but putting him closer to Pynchon than say Bill Vollmann...well...no, just no.
And Wayne Dyer on the same page as Laura Lippman? No, no, really no.
Yew type Richard Yates and it don't say Richard Ford - nowhere. Yew type Richard Ford and it don't say Richard Yates neither. This thing got a few bugs to work out.
What crap.
This thingie only tells that readers of Author X are likely to read these other authors -- kind of like Amazon's "People who ordered this book also..." deal. It doesn't tell you whether the other authors are comparable in stature, quality or even type of book.
Who knows where they got their data -- obviously a limited sample -- but even so, I thought it was interesting, and kind of nifty.
Kathy
But Diana Wynne Jones (world's greatest living fantasy writer for children, YA, and adults, I kid you not) was placed closer to Marguerite Henry (classic horse books) than to E. Nesbit (founding mother of modern children's fantasy).
And Rowling, who regardless of her faults has placed children's fantasy in the public consciousness and been the entry drug for many readers, is always way out on the fringes.
There's something profoundly wrong with the engine, or the data sample. The obvious solution is to ask for input from browsers, but I didn't see any place for that.
I don't think this claims to be anything it's not. It's not saying that writers are similar, but that people who read A are likely to read B. You read both Pynchon and Sedaris, so you can't exactly claim that the site is incorrect to put them on the same page. I think it's more interesting to see these unexpected connections than to link writers of the same genre or school. That is, it's not at all surprising that Kerouac readers also read Burroughs, but I wonder why Bill Bryson would be so popular with them.
Anyone else notice multiples of the same author? There are three Anne Lamotts on one map--the correctly spelled one near Rainer Maria Rilke (!), "Annie" Lamott near Lorrie Moore, and Anne Lammott halfway between two different Flannery O'Connors....
This can only be called "artificial intelligence" in the most inclusive possible definition of that term. Nobody who works in AI would consider this to be part of the field. It's just presenting the results from a survey of self-selected participants in a somewhat novel way.
If you want to see where the data comes from, click on Literature in the upper left corner, and then on Gnod's suggestions. They do the same for music and movies.
Try Quentin Crisp! Only two authors, the close one being Fay Weldon. Huh?
I typed in Dean Koontz and got Janet Evanovich. I like both writers, a lot, but to think their writings bear any similarities to one another is absurd.
The thing that got me is I typed in Lynn Flewelling - and found both Terry Pratchett and Diana Gabaldon's names misspelled.
But hey, it's a free amusement. Why get in a twist about it?
The people I know who read Thomas Pynchon also read Thomas McGuane, Umberto Eco and a few others.
But I can't call them necessarily similiar. I mean... Michael Chabon had some memorable characters, but isn't as gritty as Pychon.
i am so glad you mentioned william vollmann. i have been following his writing with interest since the eighties and think he is one of this country's great writers on so many different levels. it was about time he got a major award these last couple of years.
Wow. What is particularly amazing is if you search for "Emily Bronte," one of the authors that appears is "Jane Eyre." Although...if I were saying this to my English class, they wouldn't understand why that is so hilarious, which is kind of sad.
It certainly shows the limits of this kind of networkind site, at any rate.
The closest author to Tom Holt is Fyodor Dostoyevski (with Pratchett on the outside), which I find hard to believe under any circumstances.
That's probably just lack of data, though, becausew I'm pretty sure thaI remember thinking that the music version worked quite well.
fqsaLol. Enter "Paris Hilton". J.R.R. Tolkein comes up ;)
Enter John Barth and the closest to him is Charles Darwin, and not far away is Jesus.
Cool -
I enter my two current faves and get, in each case, a page full of people I've never heard of.
So many books, so little time.
When you enter in Arthur Conan Doyle, God hovers around quite close...I think works perfectly!
It needs some data cleaning, too. I typed in "Robertson Davies" and found "Rovertson Davies" floating around there. Just to be sure, I googled "Rovertson Davies" and it appears several times, but each time it's clearly a mis-spelling of "Robertson Davies".
Blog: Miss Snark, the literary agent (Login to Add to MyJacketFlap)
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Dear Miss Snark,
I have a novel in revision that I hope will be ready for querying in about a year. I've also written some short stories, which I plan to start submitting to markets. My hope is that when I'm ready to query agents about the novel, I'll have some publication credits to include in the query letter. I also want to establish a website.
My problem is my awkward, difficult-to-spell last name. If I find an agent, I imagine he or she can advise me on whether I should write under a different name that's easier for readers to remember and spell. But what about in the meantime? I'm concerned that if I publish short stories under my real name, and start a website under my real name, any visibility I'll have built up before I start querying will be lost if the novel is published under a different name. I wonder if it might make more sense to send out the short stories under my maiden name. It's an odd name, but since it's only 4 letters long, it's easier to remember and spell. Am I a nitwit for thinking about such things at this stage?
Well it didn't hurt: Mary Kay Zuravleff (I know and love her work, and I still had to look up the correct spelling of her name)
or Chuck Palahniuk
or Elfried Jelinek
or Michael Ondaatje (which I got from Kristin Nelson's blog post here, and she's of another mind on this subject)
If you've got a name thats hard to say, or easily misspelled one of the first things you want to do is put in keywords for your site that are the WRONG things people will type in trying to find you.
So if you are Killer Yapp, you also want "Killer Yap" as a keyword cause a lot of people spell it that way. Same with "Ms Snark" (sound of cocking clue gun as optional audio would be good here too).
People come in every variety of cluelessness about author names and titles. An easy to say or spell name is no guarantee they won't get it wrong.
This is an inane comment, but I just have to agree that Mary Kay Zuravleff is an extraordinary writer. I'm eagerly awaiting her next novel, though by then I will have forgotten her name again.
I'll probably just google "The Bowl is Already Broken" and hope to track her down again.
How about Duane Swierczynski?
His two noir books from St. Martin's has gotten good reviews.
(And, no, I'm not a friend of his. Just a fan.)
I have what should be an easy to spell and pronounce name--Jane Yolen--and 280+ books out. And you should see how it has been slaughtered and mis-handled, even by my own publishers, on occasion!
Stick with your own name.
jane
My husband is a singer/songwriter. He had a difficult last name, but he went with it. I am pretty sure he feels like it was a HUGE mistake. DJ's got it wrong, a pronunciation guide was put on the CD, but it didn't really help, fans can never remember it, and no one can say it. No one could ever google it and find him, regardless of trying to hedge your bets. When we got married, he took my simple last name (3 years ago) and LOVES it. He is now recording under his new name, but you're right, it's confusing to his old fans. I would say you should decide now and make the change now. And it's all well and good to say it didn't hurt those other famous authors, but you don't really know that (sorry Miss Snark). And even if it didn't "hurt" them, I'm willing to bet it was a pain in the ass.
Another concern--larger than the one you cited--is querying over e-mail (to agents who allow it, of course). I too have a rather difficult last name that invariably makes my mails wind up in spam filters. So if you must e-query, try using 'Alex S.' rather than 'Aleksandr Solzhenitsyn.'
Really, though, your nom de plume is the least of your problems in this whole business. Use whatever name you're comfortable with in real life, trust Miss Snark, and be true to yourself, blah blah blah.
I've already started using a pseudonym. My real name is consistently misheard to start with a different letter (it rhymes with a common word, and the first consonant is similar), so if someone heads to a bookshelf to look for me I'm toast.
It's taken a year to train my pharmacist. I don't think I have that long with a reader.
I'm not a real author yet, but I already made that decision. I've got a pen name because I've yet to see anyone other than a close friend or family member spell it right.
I figured that a last name like that would just be another stumbling block, and the road to publication is hard enough already.
My advice: try out your prospective pen name as an Internet screen name for at least a couple of weeks first. If there are any problems in it, you can only find out by using it. I ended up discarding my first choice after testing it that way.
I vote no on homogenization.
It's still being done in Hollywood...Tom Cruise dropped Mapother, Winona became a Ryder after ditching Horowitz.
Stick with your own name.
But just out of curiosity, what names were you pondering?
I used to worry about my ridiculous last name until I noticed that, in most bookstores, it would directly precede Tolkien. Maybe not such a bad thing.
I've got the opposite problem--if ever published, I plan to spruce my name up a bit (it's the third most common name in the US--plus, the first hits that comes up on Google when you search my name are a rather inventice stripper and an extensive pedigree for a show dog).
I see (wonderful) Kristen Nelson has a horror of middle initials.
But my middle initial is "V", the coolest letter in the alphabet. Think of words that start with "v"- they're usually sexy , or sexily unpleasant in an interesting way. V is never boring.
Vulpine. Vindictive. Voracious, Va-jay-jay.
"V" has sex & drama built-in.
I like the way it looks when V divides my name, purely as an ideogram:
John Smith
versus (another powerful v-word):
John V. Smith
If my middle initial were a pedestrian vowel or a lackluster consonant like "F", I'd refrain.
But the letter V rules the world.
Unless you're U Thant. But even he secretly wished his U was a V.
As consolation, I'd love to take him shopping at Bvlgari.
U Thant has been dead for 32 years. His grandson is alive and well however, and the author of a wonderful book called The River of Lost Footsteps.
Maybe Thant Myint-U wants to go shopping at Bvlgari.
Hell, I do.
Miss Snark said, "An easy to say or spell name is no guarantee they won't get it wrong."
My last name is Brady. Who the %$@#*&$%#@ hasn't heard of the Brady Bunch? You'd be surprised how many people still butcher this simplest of names.
I'm not using Brady as my publishing name. I'm using the name it will shortly be changing to, if I can ever light a fire under someone's butt. And I'm sure that name will be butchered too. It's a crapshoot, so I'd go with my gut. Use your real name, or invent a whole new persona. Best of luck!
After 5 years, I still can't pronounce my dentist's name, but I still go back to him anyway. He's a good Yankees fan.
Can you say Kalavrouzoitis? I can't.
Heh, my last name contains 17 letters in it ... so I understand the letter-writer's problem. :)
Thank you for the responses! Wow, there are so many different opinions on this. I guess it's hard to know how much a person's name influences their success or lack of it. There are so many other factors involved.
The name in question is "Burzynski." It's not as difficult as some of the other names listed here. All the same, in the 10 years I've used it, never has the question, "Last name?" not been followed by "Can you spell that for me?" My maiden name is "Raby." It's kind of an unfortunate name, given its similarity to "rabies," but it's a lot easier to spell and remember.
Honey, I'd rather a name that everyone asks how to spell than one everyone assumes they know how and then proceed to spell it wrong...
My maiden name was Umphrey... and no one EVER spelled it right... nor did they ask ME how to spell it, because they assumed it was Humphrey!
Word verification: zpwuozkr
It's like it KNOWS what we're talking about!
*scans commentors for Dave Kuz...Kuzmin...Dave from P&E*
Deschanel said...
But my middle initial is "V", the coolest letter in the alphabet. Think of words that start with "v"- they're usually sexy, or sexily unpleasant in an interesting way. V is never boring.
Vulpine. Vindictive. Voracious, Va-jay-jay.
"V" has sex & drama built-in.
Woo hoo! I'll buy that. My last name is Valentine, and I rather like it. Unfortunately, it's paired with a first name no one can spell (including my poor late mother, bless her heart). I just did a blog post on this (uncanny timing) because so many people had Googled it, looking for a pronunciation. Miss Snark's suggestion to put it in your site in all the ways someone might misspell it is a good one. I'm going to do that, although it might reach the bottom of the page.
***Mom, why didn't you name me Lacy?***
My favorite mystery writer when I was in my teens: Ngaio Marsh.
Still don't know how to pronounce it. My best guess is Ni-oh. But I bought everything she wrote.
Another side to it: I know someone who worried and fretted over this issue so much that he changed his name legally and used the new name for his new family. Problem? Never published so much as an essay with that beautiful, memorable name.
My take: readers are literate, and we'll follow your oddly-spelled name wherever it takes us, if you write what we love to read.
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I know every one's gonna be over here in another minute. Hope it's okay to post here and not there. I'll miss you, dear Miss.
I’m brought low, this day.
Yet, she lives on
To bring forth a new age,
Alas, less one Snark.
So more or less
A coiterie of nitwits
Slog On,
Their devotions supplicate,
Their querys prevaricate,
When they doth strive to impress
She aimith staunchly,
Launching a clue at their digress.
But now, we Snarklings gently weep.
Our cyber tears
No less real
Than the company we keep.
Thus it has been and thus will forever be:
What lurks and sleeps and stealthily slinks
Beneath our collective soul – You
Were a virtual blessing to us all.
ME
See Miss Snark. It's just like Jimmy Stewart's character in "It's a Wonderful Life." You are loved and needed. Our world wouldn't be the same without you.
Please don't retire. Just cut back. We'll understand. Tell us what we can do to help. Anything!
I'd have to agree with "the anti-wife." Even if you stopped answering reader questions and posted your own thoughts on books and publishing and George Clooney, say, several times a month... well, that'd be MUCH better than nothing.
Oh, don't start showing weakness now! If you do that, the squirrels win!
You're not melting. No bad witch for you, dear! You're like Glenda, the Good Witch, who floats in on a bubble and tells us that we've had what we needed all along, we just didn't see it 'til you showed us.
Could you at least drop in on writers' blogs for a brief hello once in a while?
You're an icon -- we can't quit cold turkey.
Katie's right - you can't show weakness. We'll drag you screaming down from the tree where you're hiding with KY. And that would just be a tragic end to the saga.
Hey - you ought to repost that mock book cover from the very beginning of the blog. You know, for proper cyclical ending is beginning crap.
So i was the one with all the glory,
While you were the one with all the strain.
A beautiful face without a name for so long.
A beautiful smile to hide the pain.
Did you ever know that you're my hero,
And everything i would like to be?
I can fly higher than an eagle,
For you are the wind beneath my wings.
Yeah, I know...lame, but it's truthful! Chumplet has it right when she asks if you might possibly consider guest appearences on blogs? Maybe? Per chance?
I still can't believe it.
Are you sure I didn't fall asleep and it's April 1, 2008?
Who the hell is gonna tell me if my hook sucks or not with such honesty, such...Snarkiness?
I hope you pop in around the blogsphere occasionally ~ it won't be the same without you, you know.
You better stay open! I just got DSL and can now visit again after 8 months without a snarky read.
Praise the Lord...
Egads...now I have to go find Mr. Clooney!
(to the tune of "Bobby Jean" by Bruce Springsteen and the E Street Band, from the album "Born in the USA")
Well I went by your blog the other day
Your grandmother said you went away
She said there was nothing that I could have done
There was nothing nobody could say
Now I learned from you what not to do
And KY too, when he did bark
I wished I would have known
I wish I could have called you
Just to say goodbye Miss Snark.
Now you hung with me when all the others
Turned away, turned up their nose
We liked the same novels, we liked the same writers
We liked good strong prose
You posted the wildest, the strangest things
I ever did see, just like Space Ark
I wish you would have told me
I wish I could have talked to you
Just to say good bye, Miss Snark.
Now I just set my hair aflame
And threw my rejections in the bin
There ain't nobody nowhere no how
Could teach me like you did -- pass me the gin...
Maybe you'll be out in the 212 somewhere
On the IRT, inching along
Or in the Hamptons one August, there'll be a radio playing
And you'll hear me sing this song.
Well if you do you'll know I'm thinking of you
Walking with George in Central Park
And I'm just posting one last time
Not to change your mind
But just to say I'll miss you, baby
Good luck, good bye, Miss Snark.
(Clarence Clemons sax solo here until we fade out...)
Chumplet's right. Your not really going to ask us to quite cold turkey, are you?
I still have questions... =(
But I understand. I really do. Can we throw cluegun fodder (instead of rice) at your wedding?
Miss Snark,
I had a very serious family crisis this week and stopped all work until tonight (something so bad I even ignored a contract, which I've never done in my life!)But I'm glad I took the time from my hospital visits tonight to read the blog.
Thank you so much for all this. There isn't a blog on the web with a voice like yours.
Good lord, these poems are making me cry...and laugh. ::blows nose::
Thanks for sharing them.
I'm also in the camp with Chumpley - come and visit us from time to time, won't you? Maybe then we won't miss you quite so much...
Nah - we will, but at least it'd be something to look forward to!
God, please don't go. I just found you. You made me laugh. You made me think. I'm in lust. I'm in love. I'm in devastation. How can you possibly think it's enough? How can you possibly know we've been satiated? We're not. And neither are you. And you know it. Reconsider. It can't be the end. What about the next Crap-o-meter? Surely that would lure you back.
You created a community--a strange community to be sure, but an important one. It will live on even after the blog is taken down. I've certainly met people through your blog that I will keep up with for years to come.
I'm going to try to make an effort to visit a few more of those blue hyperlinked names before the blog is gone--lots of cool people have passed through here in the last couple years.
It will take quite a few pails of gin before we're all able to adjust to this loss. Thanks for giving us at least a few posts to work through the transition and try to locate our actual lives again. I know I left mine around here somewhere.
Do what ya gotta do with at least my (and many other's I'm sure) blessing.
I have absolutely enjoyed reading what you had to write.
I personally think you could (if you wanted) just write. Let people comment but don't moderate them. Take the emails out. Then on days when you want to communicate with the people here you can but on the days when you can't you don't need to.
Honestly I worry about ya..what will you do without this fantastic (and entertaining) means to vent.
Best wishes.
Dear Killer Yapp--
I just want to say that with the sad, sad melting away of Miss Snark, there is a place for you in our home. We have no squirrels or cats. But we do have two children. Um. But they are really snarky. I think you would like them.
--Matt
p.s. So sorry to see Miss Snark go. If she hadn't just MELTED (!) I would like to tell her thanks for selflessly sharing her knowledge and sense of humor and time with all us clueless folk. And if I could just figure out who she was, I would make sure I wrote a novel she would love so that I could hang out with her. Adios, Miss Snark and muchas gracias.
Sung to the "We Love You Conrad" tune in Bye, Bye Birdie.
We love you Snar-r-ky, oh yes we do.
We don't love anyone...as much as you!
When you're not near-r us, we're blue.
Oh Snar-r-ky, we love you
While I am still in stage one of the grief process - see below, I'm going to try and bypass... anger... and go straight to bargaining... I'll start with returning the two spurs for two posts a weeks - and comments only once a week...
Denial (this isn't happening to me!)
Anger (why is this happening to me?)
Bargaining (I promise I'll be a better person if...)
Depression (I don't care anymore)
Acceptance (I'm ready for whatever comes)
Just noticed the "About" info on the blog has been changed to past tense with a note about going dark. I'll still read your archives.
Mister Clooney is one damn lucky man! I hope you can leave him for a couple of hours once a month or so for just a little, teeny, tiny visit with us snarklings.
Whatever your decision--thank you, thank you.
I want to second what others are saying. If the letters are too much or too repetitive, cut them. If the blog is too much work, scale back. Act like most other bloggers: post when you have something pithy to say, even if it's only once a month.
Does the effort have to be all or nothing?
God, I never thought I'd be begging a blogger to keep blogging, but your absence is going to create an enormous gap in the community.
I just heard the news, Miss Snark. This morning at an MWA meeting another writer told me, knowing I'm a fan. And I thought, I was just on there last night, just finished reading the latest...
So I asked those attending for two minutes of silence in your honor. Had there been gin, we would've lifted our pails. The closest I got was Sierra Nevada Pale Ale... (Pale/pail... not bad when you think about it.)
Thanks for everything, and thanks for letting me interview you for the MWA Third Degree.
Your fan,
RB
I'd just like to add my "NOOOOOOO!" to the numerous others already voiced. I'm really going to miss you.
And say that I would really like to hear from you on the blog from time for time, no matter how infrequently.
Oh, one more thing. Thank you SO much for running such a superb website for as long as you did. I'm not sure how I'll manage without you, but reading it taught me a lot.
I fully respect -- nay, HONOR! -- your decision to live your life as you choose.
Perhaps one last Clue-Gun attack on those nitwits who still seem to believe it's all about them! People! Get a grip!
Best of everything to you! My only regret is that when my novel is published, I won't be able to thank you personally for all your wisdom and good humor.
Relax. Enjoy. Spend your time with George, as the Goddess intended you to do...
To the tune of 'To Sir With Love'
Those nitwit days of pictographs and sending crap are gone
But in the slush I know they will still live on and on
But how do you thank someone who has taken you from Parker to Pynchon
It isn't easy but I'll try
If you wanted the sky I would write across the sky in letters
That would soar a thousand feet high 'To Miss Snark, With Love'
The time has come for closing blogs and beverage alerts must end
And as I leave I know that I am leaving my best friend
A friend who taught me eight point font ain't what you want
That's a lot to learn, but what can I give you in return?
If you wanted the moon I would try to make a start
But I would rather you let me give my heart 'To Miss Snark, With Love'
Yup, I decided to give up blogging as well.
But instead of melting. I’ve flown.
You really must reconsider. You're not just a font of good advice and fun. You're provide an outlet for socially deprived pixies and goats.
My day is not a good one unless I can come here and read the latest comments, gossip, and ... sometimes ... foolishness.
You're really making me and Bill E. Goat very unhappy. It's not nice to be mean to pixies. Truly it isn't.
I was going to do a lyrical tribute, but I decided I'd make you one instead.
Don't worry, the song is used with plenty of irony!
http://members.optusnet.com.au/emmakate3/Snark.mp3
Miss Snark? You rock.
Yanno, quite apart from the no-bullshit help and information, we'll miss KY and Grandmother Snark and the smelling salts...
You learned who I was through this blog of yours. You looked out for me when I got my agent. I know that. You are more than a blogger. You are a conduit for the business who makes a difference to individual writers at ALL levels. You don't promote authors, you have no personal agenda, you don't need to sugarcoat to protect your reputation because of the anonymity. Who else can really talk about the S&S situation with honesty? An agent using her name must be careful not to overstep while Miss Snark and grind her stiletto heels in her response. That matters.
Change the format - instead of a constant barrage of questions from we the unwashed newbies, you choose the topic. How about an occasional "Miss Snarks Sister" like when Sesame Street brought in Mr. Noodle's brother Mr. Noodle for when Bill Erwin wasn't available to shoot? Maybe???
Thank you.
Dear Respect and HONOR! Anon:
The best compliment you can pay someone who is retiring is an emotional plea not to retire. I'm not a nitwit who needs a cluegun, I'm a fan who wants to say "I love you" as well as "goodbye."
Wow- I miss a few weeks of trolling through the blogs because of life, and what do I find when I return? I'm speechless.
I've learned so much from you.
Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.
Much success to you!
We're going to make it, fellow snarklings. It's not like the real person is moving to Mars. She's still in the 212 and we still have the archives.
Please let her go. She needs to rest. Tell her thank you, wish her luck and let her go.
I think you should just stop answering questions and still continue to use the Miss Snark platform, once a month, say, to write a witty column about whatever catches your fancy at the time. The blogging/questions thing is a bit much, but you shouldn't just go away. My two cents.
Miss Snark, I discovered you through a writer's forum only a year ago. In that year, you've saved me from thousands of nitwittery mistakes.
I know you think you've said it all,there nothing new to say, but I'm so thick headed, I had to HEAR is more than once.
I'm so sad that you're stopping. You're the fourth funny, snarky blog I've lost in the last month.
I do hope you'll reconsider.
But wait, before you go. I just have one other question. Maybe two.
If I'm including gifts with my query letters to all of my dream agents, do I need to include an SASE? Yanno, just in case they feel uncomfortable accepting a gift.
If yes, does that mean I should include 2 SASEs? One for the standard reject, the other for the returned gift?
And, Miss Snark, what's your forwarding address?
Cheers,
I know I've never posted here before (never had anything to add), but I'd like to throw in my two cents.
Reading this blog has been a highlight of my day for the past several months. Both because it contained good practical advice that I, as an aspiring writer, could use, and because it showed me that I'm not the dumbest querier (is that a word?) out there, and that I'm probably actually on the right track.
I'll miss the daily laughs and advice.
The greatest tribute we can give our beloved Queen Snark is to carry her Snarkilicious Torch forward into the next generation of Snarklings. As Yoda once said, "Pass on what you have learned."
Not to sound incredibly self centered and self referential, but this is the worst news I've had since I began reading your blog and feeling as if maybe my writing had a chance. Honest to goodness, Miss Snark, you matter to people who are trying to live up to their ambitions without acting like blithering morons. If you were a character in a novel some wit-free wannabe sent you for review, would you accept this as plot development or ask for a rewrite?
Sheesh, next you'll be mailing yourself envelopes full of glitter and unicorn decals.
I'm crushed. I realize that and 50 cents will get you fifty cents, but I'm still crushed.
verification: ttjqne (the sound of me being crushed)
Give me some hope this isn't really the end. Why not re-open the blog for one 24 hour period once a year. We'll mark the date in our diaries (Christmas Eve?) and gather here awaiting Miss Snark's brief return,
Alice
May I paint and draw the pictures of the baby animals?
Please! Thank-you, Quilt Knit.
Ooooh, does this mean we can't keep you away!?!?!?!? It's kind of like what I'm doing trying to get off my anti-depressant--you have to wean us!!! Sllloooooowwly...
Like how about you post maybe just like twice a week instead of two or three times a day?? Huh, can ya, Puhleeeease!!!
I'm also thinking a Miss Snark Tells All book, including some of the best Q&A of the past two years. And your snarkism and wit, and maybe the FOREWARD BY GEORGE CLOONEY!
And hey, I know a good agent or two who can probably get ya that book deal (and I know you said once you'd never do a book, but come on, we never thought you'd LEAVE US!!!) A book--it's tangible. We can hold it. We can refer to it as needed, DAILY!!!
Please don't go!
Goodbye Miss Snark. I'm sure you've heard it a million times before, but I'm going to miss you.
Enjoy your honeymoon with Mr. Clooney. Perhaps if he does another sequel, he'll let you be the fourteenth Ocean.
Bernita said: Yanno, quite apart from the no-bullshit help and information, we'll miss KY and Grandmother Snark and the smelling salts...
Oh, and that lovely burnt smell of Miss Snark's flaming tresses.
It's hard to let her go, but this parting must be very difficult for her as well. I can't imagine it was easy to just quit. Yes, she'll have more time, but she won't have us, her adoring snarklings. :)
Good-bye and God bless you, Miss Snark.
I thought Clooney was gay. This brings into question everything you posted. Hmnn.
Best wishes. Don't be too embarrassed to change your mind and come back at a later date!
I'm sorry to see you leave. Best of luck in everything you do. I've enjoyed your blog immensely.
Just when I had a question you hadn't answered before (sniffs indignantly).
Come on, MS. How can you sleep at night, knowing you've pushed us poor snarklings out of the nest, into the big, bad writing world all on our own...
Why, at this very moment, I'm about to make a Snarkless decision that could wind up costing me my writing career.
Well, okay. Maybe not the WHOLE career--maybe I'll just end up looking like a nitwit.
Still...will you enjoy having that on your head??
Kidding, Miss Snark. Thanks for all the hours of enjoyment, the words of wisdom, and the impatience with stupidity.
You're truly a legend.
You've given us your best and only asked in return that we learn.
God bless you, Miss Snark, and your little dog too.
I agree with Kimber An. I, for one, choose to honor Miss Snark by passing on what I have learned. At least once a week, I tell my writer friends to "quit obsessing" or hit them with a "clue-by-four." Even my children now say, "Dear dog...." When my 7-year old makes a promise, she says, "I swear to dog."
It's the finest tribute I can imagine.
We'll miss you, Miss Snark.
How fitting that I heard the news about Snark going Dark on the very day my agent sent me my first book contract to peruse...thanks, Miss Snark. I owe you one. We all do.
Don't mention the crapometer as a ploy to lure her back! That'll just send her away screaming!
Miss Snark, thanks very much for all the hard work. If you ever want to temporarily un-retire for a brief update, we'll understand.
This time "yemizu" is my word verification.
Picking up on what Bran Fan said, you've contributed a substantial vocabulary to the industry (dear dog, clue gun, and so on) that will live indefinitely. Years from now, for example, some brand new agent who never heard of you will make a reference to Rabbitania, and some of us old timers will know from whence it came.
Damn, I'm gonna miss you.
Well just fabulous. I actually stop being online so much to ohhh, I don't know - WRITE - and I finally pop through my fave sites to see you're LEAVING? That simply blows goat ass.
There has to be a compromise somewhere. Post only once a week or every two weeks. The information gleened here simply is not found anywhere else. Promise. It's beyond cruel to remove yourself from our greedy little claws. We can offer up human sacrifices. Would that help? Here - I'll start with my husband, k? Case in point:
Me: Holy crap, Miss Snark's retiring.
Him: Who?!
Yup, he needs to die. And then the I'm-so-bloody-exhausted-from-blogging-and-answering-nimrods-online-who-can't-read-archives-to-get-the-damn-answer gods will rain down blissful peace on you again. Such a simple solution. I knew we'd think up one if we worked hard enough.
In all honesty, I can't fathom the work you must put into this blog on a regular basis, and I know the Crapometers are beyond exhausting, with so little reward for you while an invaluable asset to us. There comes a time when we must prioritize, and it seems you're doing that now. I hope you reconsider, of course, or at least find a happy medium where we can still interact with you, but if you truly are gone, please know you've touched more lives than you'll ever know, and aspired writers to reach for heights we never knew existed.
You are loved and cherished and your wisdom will remain with us always.
~Brenda
:(
A tribute to Miss Snark.
On Orion's blog.
Will miss you dearly, even my cats Sigh, Thai & Arabella are going to miss you! Ha! :-)~
Never lose that spit-fire, snark-a-dasical spirit!
You created a phenomenally helpful, creative and inspirational community from scratch.
You maintained your professionalism to the highest degree.
And you bowed out to thunderous applause instead of burning out.
I can only imagine how steller it must be to be one of your clients!
I'm hopeing fervently that a sequel will come out in a year or two. =)
P.S. my word verification is "ohjann". Only three letters off from my feelings. <3
To Killer Yapp, Grandma Snark and Miss Snark her self... You will be sadly missed, however sometimes you need to do stuff for yourself and this clearly is one of them times.
First off all thank you for taking the effort to clarify exactly why you are quiting the blog, and your reasons make perfect sence. There is only so many ways you can make the same point. Plus Blogging and dealing with emails is also very time consuming and so I at least partually understand why you would not want to deal with that anymore.
Best wishes in future projects, I wish you a lifetime of success. It is clear from the comments a lot of people owe their success so far at least partually from the blog and I hope that the same success comes your way.
Again thank you for taking the time to offer help and advice, a much needed hit from the clue gun and recomendations for reading.
You are , as us Brits say, A legend, and now I know the blog is staying up I will still be sending people over here.
Hasta Luego! Its been much fun!
A tribute to Miss Snark on Anti-Wife's blog too!
I heart Miss Snark and Killer Yapp!
I'm only doing this because Pat shamed me into it.
Enjoy your retirement Miss Snark. God speed. So long and thanks for all the fish.
Kim
You've linked to some great blogs in the past, and done a lot for all of us (me, especially, as I'm one of the lucky many who you Crapometered). I can honestly say that I will miss your blog.
There is not a writer's group meeting (MSVWA, we're not fancy or anything, being Alaskan and what not, but we are) that I attend where you are not mentioned. Even if you retire, I imagine that will stay true. "What Would Snark Do" has become a second motto for many of us (after Magic, Mystery, and Mafia, our genres, of course), and a valuable phrase to young writers everywhere.
I don't know where I'm going to find my news for the writing world without you. Not the general information, but the important bits (like Librarians on Parade and a reference to NaNoWriMo). I don't know that any blogger in all the world has your tone, your penchant for focusing on things that matter, and things that genuinely make an impact on the lives of your readers.
Once I get past denial, and get done roasting this squirrel, I'm going to miss you.
Miss Snark,
You have been a shining light in this writer's journey for publication. You will be sorely missed. Following your post, I have been lucky to get a fabulous agent, and have just put my other un-agented writing friends onto your Snarkiness. They will all be crushed. Best of luck and THANK-YOU.
Miss Snark,
Before you leave for good can you do a post on Simon and Schuster's new contract terms? I'd love to hear your take on this. I'm so sad that you're leaving. You rock. Goodbye.
Goodnight, Miss Snarkabash, wherever you are.
Dear Miss Snark
I'm so sorry that you have chosen George Clooney over us. When you divorce him will you come back to us? My day in sunny Sydney is not as bright with your leaving.
Carla
OMG, I just got back from a writer's retreat in the mountains with no Internet access, to find this!
Miss S, I will miss you. And your little dog, too.
Thank you for all your amazing advice. I wish you all the best in your retirement from the blogosphere.
Thank you, Miss Snark, for all your advice. You deserve an award for decreasing the amount of nit-wittery in the world.
Godspeed, Miss Snark.
You are one hell of a writer yourself.
Thanks for everything.
Thank you, Miss Snark. I'll always remember and be grateful for the support you gave us over at Absolute Write during it's difficult times last spring.
Thanks for everything you've done! I will miss my daily visit...and the snark too.
"agtrudb" --what I said when I found Miss Snark was retiring this blog
Thanks Miss Snark. For bothering with such a nifty website. I have found it to be very useful already. I shall be bookmarking it right away.
One last comment while I still can. I loved going to my telephone and figuring out that number. What am I going to do without you? This reminds me (and dates me) of when Mary Hartman went off the air. The reruns (archives) just won't be the same. And nothing has felt so sad. I invented my blog name just for you when you did a French post a long, long time ago. I signed it Le Rayon Vert then, and I've been using The Green Ray ever since. You've been an inspiration and a total joy.
Vous me manquez beaucoup!
Le Rayon Vert
I bet Miss Snark is snuggled all up in her snuggy blankie with Georgey spooning her, whispering sweet nothings, and this might quite possibly be the best night's sleep she'll ever have, not thinking about the time and dedication and wit it took to run such a fabulous blog for two years.
Oh wait! Clooney's in bed with her?!?!
There will BE NO SLEEPING!
All the best, and I hate to see you go. I keep coming back for an encore.
Thanks. It's been a joy.
Bye
I hope yours is a Beverly Sills farewell. ;)
Oh No!I only just found your frightening and witty pages last week and now you are vanishing away. I do hope this is a joke or a test run to check how much we all love you.
Wow!!! I just caught up with my blog reading and am still in shock at seeing KY giving us the sign off.
I know that all good things must come to an end, but (*wail*) this seems so soon!!
Let me throw in my very sincere thank you. I've learned so much from reading your blog--little tidbits that will only serve me especially well in the future. Thanks for all the advice and all the snarky chuckles along the way.
Kimberly Clark is actually a pretty good company to buy stock in.
Good luck, girl!
Damn and blast it - you were such a help. Maybe if you keep your stuff here for a while you still will be.
Thanks ever so much for helping.
:-(
I've been with you, mostly lurking, from early days. You'll be missed. Your karma is all sparkly now from all the good you've done.
(My word verification is pmfqfof, which is pretty close to the sound I made when I read this news.)
Miss Snark,
Please don't go.
I just got back to LA from a week in NY - upstate along the Hudson, in absolute peace & quiet.
I am devastated to learn that you will be retiring from the blog - please reconsider. A post now and then as a surprise would be so welcomed.
Your fan,
Kate
My name is Anne, and I'm a snarkoholic.
Snarkoholism has cost me countless hours in front of my computer screen. It is an addiction.
I will always be a snarkoholic, but I will strive to replace my dependency on snark with more time spent writing well. Then I will query widely.
Thanks, Miss Snark.
Oh heck. I turn my back for a couple months and come back to find this. Miss Snark, I discovered you in early 2006, just around the time I signed with a great agent. Thanks to you I knew all the right questions to ask, and how to avoid looking like a nitwit. I can't begin to list the things I've learned here, or the fun I've had.
Last month my agent sold my first book to a great NY publisher. Among the people I have to thank for helping me along the way, you rank right up there. How can I express my gratitude?
Thank you. Blessings in all you do.
CR, who posted anonymously for over a year.
Okay...
I'm sad, but excited for you. It must have been one of those tough/easy decisions. I sincerely hope you have a great time with all that free time you now have (Agents have free time?) to burn through slushpiles and use those clueguns on live targets. I envy yur clients and friends the extra YOU they will now get.
I really have to thank you. I am as yet unpublished (and will probably remain so for a while yet) but I went through a recent crapometer and you were the first person with no personal connection to ever suggest the stuff I wrote did not suck like a black-hole made of a million vacuum-cleaners. And you had no reason to do that. Sincere, genuine, deep and other heartfelt-synonyms of gratitude, Miss S. Thank you.
Dear Ms Snark, KY and Snarklings...
'Tis I, Frankenfoot. Thank you for your wonderful advice and help in the great footgear debate. I'm sorry I didn't get back to you sooner, but I went back into the blankety blankety hospital when I got back. Apparently I did too much during those two weeks.
Ms. Snark, your wit and wisdom will be sorely missed. Please drop by every now and again and say hello. I've noticed tribute-ish comments to you in other blogs 'round these parts. Thank you from the bottom of my heart and if I ever do get a book contract out of any of these literary albatrosses I'm lugging about, I will remember you on the acknowledgements.
Love from from Frankenfoot and Crash the Kitten, with ear scritches to KY!
And stop crying, you're waterin' the gin!
It's all Brady Westwater's fault, isn't it?
I second the motion that instead of answering nitwittery that you write a once-a-month column on books or bad query letters. Pretty please? After all, the snark in you needs an outlet. Anonymity gives you a cloak to say what you think. Won't you just explode if you can't, yanno, let it out once in a while?
Please don't go. But if you do, you still get an ack in my book. You didn't like my synopsis or hook... and that just made me work harder to make them irresistible to whatever agent I land.
Thank you for the snarkasm, the witticisms and the-- dare I say it?-- love that you have shared with us.
XOXOXOX 4ever to you and KY.
So long Snark. Whoever you are. Take care. What a service! What a woman! What a snark! I gotta go...don't speak...
Your Snarkiness is abdicating?
Thank you so much for everything you've done for us over the past two years - sadly I only found you a year ago, but what a year it's been!
I'll miss you so much! But enormous thanks for giving so much time to the clueless, stopping our nitwittery, making us laugh and giving us a huge amount of joy along the way. You're much loved.
But now you can have a life again, so that's great - in fact I can't imagine how you've managed to do anything but blog over the past two years! Enjoy it, be happy. I hope someone one day does as much for you as you've done for all of us.
One extremely grateful (and bereft) snarkling.
never in a million
you made me write haiku
so dark now the day
Boo-hoo. Boo, hoo.....
I barely knew ye and now I say fare thee well.......
Many Blessings, Miss Snark!!!!
I hear through the Desperate Author Grapevine that this is true. At least you know how to go out in style...though we expected nothing less.
Long live Killer Yapp!
Long live Miss Snark!
Deb Kinnard, a.k.a. T2
Good-bye, Miss Snark. You were a class act.