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By Nicki Richesin, The Children’s Book Review
Published: June 7, 2012

Father’s Day is almost upon us. Why not celebrate by reading a few books about the proud papas who brighten our days? So snuggle up with your little ones and thank your lucky stars for the doting fathers in their lives.

Surfer Chick

By Kristy Dempsey; illustrated by Henry Cole

This book is radical, dude. Seriously, Kristy Dempsey delivers a tidal wave of fun with this tale of a young would-be surfer chick yearning to rip the tides like her righteous dad. When she wipes out, she becomes more determined than ever. Cole’s sunny funny painted illustrations add humor yet a mellow yellow vibe.

Ages 3-7 | Publisher: Abrams, Harry N., Inc. | May 1, 2012

Darth Vader and Son

By Jeffrey Brown

If “Luke, I am your father,” is a familiar phrase and let’s face it, who hasn’t heard it, then you’ll love this hilarious sendup to single fathers trying desperately to be nurturing dads. The book poses the question if Darth Vader had been a real pop to Luke, what might have happened? Told in a comic way with light-hearted illustrations, you’ll laugh until you cry.

All Ages | Publisher: Chronicle Books | April 18, 2012

The Night Before Father’s Day 

By Natasha Wing; illustrated by Amy Wummer

Wing employs “’twas the night before” as a clever convention in this rhyming story of a family working together to surprise Dad on Father’s Day. I especially appreciated the handy mom who could check the oil while leading her kids as they clean up the garage and wash the car. You should check out the other “night before” books from this bestselling series.

Ages 3-5 | Publisher: Penguin Group | May 10, 2012

The Barefoot Book of Father and Daughter Tales

Retold by

Author: Dayle Ann Dodds (on JOMB)
Illustrator: Abby Carter (on JOMB)
Published: 2007 Candlewick Press (on JOMB)
ISBN: 0763624683 Chapters.ca Amazon.com

Cheerfully wobbly illustrations combine with rhyme, repetition and a cast of colourful characters to make this sneaky introduction to fractions a read-aloud hit.

Other books mentioned:

• Minnie’s Diner: A Multiplying Menu
• Sleeping Dragons All Around

Poetry Fridays are brought to us by Kelly Herold of Big A, Little A.

From: State Board of Education

Re: New Book Ban

Given the raging hugging epidemic that is threatening to overtake our schools (see Alabama, Illinois, and Virginia), the School Board has decided to take preemptive action to stem this tide of unsanctioned emotion.

In response to this disturbing trend, the school board has passed a Zero Tolerance Policy on Physical Contact. This policy includes, hugs, high fives, handshakes, and all other inappropriate forms of Public Display of Affection (PDAs).

In order to maintain the integrity of this new policy, the following books (see list below) are now banned from all school libraries, classrooms, and personal collections. The School Board has decided (through a unanimous vote) that these titles are no longer appropriate because they promote subversive behavior which may undermine the authority of school administrators.

This ban is effective immediately. A School Board representative will be conducting periodic site visits to ensure that these books are no longer present on school grounds. Schools that continue to carry these titles will be reprimanded immediately through a series of escalating sanctions and funding penalties.

Banned Book List

The following books are banned and are to be extricated from all school grounds immediately. This list, however, is a small sample and should not be considered complete. As a precaution, all books with the word "hug" in the title, or any books featuring any illustrations of hugging or hug-like behavior should be permanently removed or placed under lock and key in a state-approved vault until further notice.




Title: HUG
Author/Illustrator: Jez Alborough
Official Reason for Ban: Monkey See, Monkey Do.




Title: Hug Time
Author/Illustrator: Patrick McDonnell
Official Reason for Ban: No time is Hug Time when you're at school.




Title: A Hug Goes Around
Author: Laura Krauss Melmed
Illustrator: Betsy Lewin
Official Reason for Ban: The contagious nature of hugs is precisely the reason for the Zero Tolerance Policy.
Note: The school board is approaching Ms. Melmed and Ms. Lewin to propose that they revise A Hug Goes Around as a cautionary tale for children that will be used in schools to discourage this inappropriate behavior.


Please distribute this list to all faculty, parents, students, and other concerned citizens. We appreciate your cooperation in this matter and cannot stress enough how vital this is to the educational and social-emotional future of our children. Together, we can rid ourselves of this shocking behavior and minimize the disturbing displays of human emotion that are currently infecting our schools.

Sincerely,

State Board of Education

Author/Illustrator: Don Freeman

This is the classic tale of a department store bear who goes out in search of his missing button. In the process, he finds more than a button... he finds friendship and discovers the power of love.

Re-reading this heartwarming book tickles the little nostalgia bone in even the most hardened souls out there. Not only because of Corduroy's triumph, but because the story hearkens back to a simpler time, a Golden Age for Toys... long before things started to go horribly and profoundly wrong.

It's hard to pinpoint exactly when the downward spiral began, but there is no denying that the Age of Innocence is now no more than a distant memory.

Key Moments in the Descending Decency of Toys

Chucky: Not only did this bloodthirsty doll strike fear in children everywhere with its campy gore, but it somehow managed to spawn a lengthy Child's Play series, extending Chucky's reign of terror into the present day.



Left: Seed of Chucky. The low point of pop culture? The low point of all culture? The low point, period?








Tickle Me Elmo: Tyco somehow convinces the world that toys possessed by the devil would be perfect for Christmas.



Left: Comes with free exorcism kit, complete with vial of (faux) holy water. The power of Big Bird compels you!






Toy-tal Recall: Mattel recalls millions of toys because a manufacturer in China used dangerous lead paint... proving that dolls don't have to come alive and wield sharp knives to be deadly.




Left: Barbie. Apparently, her looks can kill.











Threat Level Tonka: The Transportation Security Administration announces that they will start paying extra attention to all radio-controlled toys in airports because they can be used to detonate bombs.



Left: Weapons of Fast Destruction: Batteries Not Included






And then, just when you thought things couldn't get any worse, last week came this latest sordid bit of news:

MR. POTATO HEAD IN ECSTASY BUST: "Customs officers discovered nearly 10.5 ounces of ecstasy tablets hidden inside a Mr. Potato Head toy sent to Australia from Ireland, the agency said Thursday."

















Oh dear.

Yes this is tragic... but deep down, didn't we all see this coming? After his surprising success in Toy Story and Toy Story 2, it was only a matter of time before Potato Head was swept up by the wave of his newfound celebrity.

First came the funky hipster glasses, then the pretentious moustache, and then smuggling a body cavity filled with MDMA across international borders. According to an unconfirmed source, police searched Potato Head's luggage and found a box of glowsticks, 5 cartons of lollipops, and 26 extra smile accessories. Though this is the first time he was caught by the police, Potato Head has been seen living it up with Hollywood's party elite for months now. Next month's US Weekly will have the exclusive exposé, Mr. Potato Head: Lovable Spud or "Raving" Lunatic?


Left: Paparazzi capture a shot of Mr. Potato Head at a rave in downtown L.A.






So as you can see, between the War on Terror and the Bowels of Hollywood, toys have long abandoned the idyllic shelves of the Rockwell-era department stores. Since then, they have traveled down a dark and twisted path to a point where they can no longer be trusted, let alone loved.

So what now? Is there any hope?

Well, let me tell you a story. Long ago, a brave little bear named Corduroy set off into the unknown in search of his lost button. Now it's our turn to follow in his footsteps. Are we brave enough to march into the void to search for our lost innocence, not knowing what we might find?



Heck NO! No, we are NOT brave enough for that! Retreat! RETREAT!!!

Author: Madonna
Illustrator: Jeffrey Fulvimari

4 snooty fashionista teens shun a young classmate because she is too pretty. They make wild assumptions about her based on her looks but (with the help of a particularly bitchy fairy) the 4 girls soon come to see the error of their ways. They learn that pretty girls can have it hard too. (Roll credits and cue the uplifting Kelly Clarkson song!)

The lesson here is an old one: Do not judge a book by its cover. The fact that parents would even consider buying a children's book from an author who once dressed like this:



shows that people are capable of looking past a book's cover... unless, of course, the book is Madonna's Sex which cost a gazillion dollars and came wrapped in a cellophane package. That made it significantly harder to look past the cover, especially if you were under 18 and broke when it came out.

Forward Progress? Note: It is interesting that that book caused such a firestorm of controversy when it first came out in 1994... because by today's standards, the images are actually rather quaint. You'll see more sex in any mainstream grocery store magazine and even today's Abercrombie & Fitch catalogues are more provocative and show more skin.

And the Abercrombie & Fitch website is downright dirty. Seriously, do not click on the site's A&F New Faces link unless you are over 18. (Here is the link. Warning: Kids, Look away. Adults, Do not watch while at work. I didn't want to link to it, but had to because it is so completely ridiculous. When did pornography become mainstream?)

Author/Illustrator: Loreen Leedy

An alien comes back from an anthropological research trip to report its findings to an audience of alien colleagues. The presentation takes place in Auditorium B5, otherwise known as Mystery Science Theater 3000. Unfortunately, the report "How Humans Make Friends" hardly qualifies as academically rigorous, as it is based mostly on anecdotal evidence. Nowhere in the study does the alien researcher mention some basic attributes of solid research such as valid sample sizes or accounting for construct irrelevant variance, and there isn't even the slightest hint of any attempt to gather longitudinal data.

Nevertheless, the report does shed some light on the bizarre behavioral patterns of human beings. And one can hardly blame the alien for its low academic standards. It was only visiting our planet for a short while. Even humans who study humans for their entire lives are unable to come up with much in the way of groundbreaking revelations.

Just yesterday, newspapers all over the country were reporting on two University of Texas professors who released a report detailing the motivations behind sexual activity.

From the Washington Post: "College-aged men and women agree on their top reasons for having sex: they were attracted to the person, they wanted to experience physical pleasure and "it feels good," according to a peer-reviewed study in the August edition of Archives of Sexual Behavior."

HOLY CRAP! STOP THE PRESSES!!!

(Disclaimer: The Archives of Sexual Behavior is housed in the Library of Shit We Already Knew.)












So college kids are having sex because "it feels good." Thank you Academia for clearing that up for us. Having blown the lid off of this whopper, Dr. David Buss and Dr. Cindy Meston will next unravel more of mankind's most persistent mysteries with three papers to be released in the upcoming months:

-People Eat Chocolate Because It Tastes Good: A Scientific Examination of the Yumminess Factor

-Hands: Good For Holding Things

-Puppies Are Cute: A Control Group Study Outside of Starbucks

Inter-rater Reliability Note: While Dr. Meston looks relatively credible (with a kinda scary, kinda intriguing dominatrix vibe), take a look at Dr. David Buss:

Now, he doesn't look like the kind of guy who would design a research project as an excuse to talk to nubile undergraduates and ask them detailed questions about their sex lives, does he?

Hey baby, why don't we go back to my place and finish this survey over a glass of chardonnay and some Baudelaire?

I'm not trying to start any rumors. I'm just saying... be wary of tainted data.

Author/Illustrator: Adam Relf

An adorable little fox wants a friend, so he decides to go out and catch one. His mother quickly corrects him and tells him that you don't catch friends, you make friends.

The fox takes this literally and goes out and builds a friend out of an apple and some sticks. Unfortunately, his apple-headed friend is incredibly boring and doesn't play well with others. Soon a few other animals from the forest show up and they all decide to help the fox make a friend. By the end, in the process of making friends, they have inadvertently become friends. Awww... In lesser hands, this could have been extremely cheezy, but Relf's illustrations are so soul squeezingly adorable, that it works really well.

Relf's book also works because it is a rather astute commentary on the difficulty of forging friendships. Indeed, it is rare for people to directly say "Hey, let's be friends." The more common method is to engage in an activity through which social relations and friendships are built... just as Fox and his buddies build a relationship while working on a project together, most people today make friends through activities such as happy hours, book clubs, or sports.

Sports are a great way to make friends (especially for guys who are typically less comfortable with their emotions) because it allows for the development of camraderie and emotionally significant relationships through a socially acceptable venue. Strong friendships are developed on the playing field and emotional barriers are slowly broken down. (Where else do guys pat eachother on the butt without a second thought?) The sports world creates a useful context upon which friendships can be cultivated and eventually thrive off the field as well.

Sports is such a powerful unifying force that it can extend well beyond the realm of individual friendships and into the global politics. The most startling example is the Iraqi national soccer team, who recently beat Saudi Arabia to win the Asia Cup. This victory prompted throngs of Iraqi citizens to take to the streets in celebration. Shiites and Sunnis rejoiced together, chanting "One Iraq!"

From Harper's: "Sport brings us together while the heads of everything in Baghdad can't bring us together for five years," said one reveler. "If the Iraqi football team ruled us, peace would spread in our home."


Indeed, it appears that where diplomacy and military occupation have failed, soccer has triumphed. Sport may prove to be the best hope yet for quelling the tragic sectarian violence that has been consuming Iraqi cities for years now.

Seizing this unprecented momentum, President Bush finally heeds the country's call for a change of strategy in Iraq and commissioned the conservative think tank, The Heritage Foundation, to produce the following top secret policy initiative:
















The report, called "A Kick in the Balls: Soccer as a Strategy For Ending the Conflict in Iraq" is an attempt to capitalize on the transcendent power of sport as a means of redeveloping a sense of national pride and peaceful coexistence between warring factions in Iraq. The report, which will be delivered to the President early next week includes the following recommendations:



1) Replace the Department of Defense with the Major League Soccer All-Star team.








2) Cut off all ties with new British Prime Minister Gordon Brown and announce that all diplomatic relations with Great Britain will now go through David Beckham.





3) Preemptively commute the sentence of NBA official Tim Donaghy (who is under investigation for rigging games). Put him in charge of officiating for all future soccer matches to ensure that Iraq will always emerge victorious.




4) Pressure the international community to name Pele as the new Secretary General of the United Nations.







5) Appoint Brandi Chastain as the successor to Tony Snow for the position of White House Press Secretary. If anyone questions the president's latest strategy, she will be instructed to take off her top as a diversion. If that doesn't work, she will kick Helen Thomas in the face and shout, "Anybody else want some?!"








6) Request that French president Nicolas Sarkozy lend the services of soccer legend Zinedane Zidane to the Iraq War so that he can serve as a one man army to secure Anbar province.





Surprisingly, this drastic new strategy will garner support in both political parties. Democrats will support the initiative because shifting from a military based occupation to a soccer based occupation will allow them to bring our troops home sooner rather than later (and reverse their sinking standing in the public opinion polls).

Republicans and the White House will support the plan because no one in the United States really pays attention to soccer, so interest in Iraq will quickly evaporate. The less attention on the war, the better off the Republican Party. Soon (to the delight of the embattled Bush administration), CNN will stop covering it all together and the only place you will be able to get updates on the war will be ESPN Deportes.

Mission Accomplished? GOOOOOOOOAAAAAAAALLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLL!!!!!!

Note: This strategy will not bring an immediate end to all violence. During this past week's celebration, 4 people were killed by celebratory gun fire (which tragically, is a low casualty rate in present-day Iraq). A key component to the success of this plan will be providing the Iraqi population with free bottles of celebratory champagne so that the worst injuries will be limited to the occasional cork to temple.

Author/Illustrator: Mo Willems

"Oooooh! A hot dog! Yummy! Yummy! Yummy!"

Uh oh. This is not good.

As Willems (the Hemingway of children's entertainment) showed us in Don't Let the Pigeon Drive the Bus!, our loveable pigeon is famous for his lack of restraint. In order to keep the Pigeon's covetous ways under control, Willems famously broke down the 3rd wall to put YOU in charge of keeping the pigeon from getting behind the wheel. You proved to be more than up to the task... but your job is not done.

Now that the pigeon has gotten his first taste of a devilishly delectable hot dog, you are going to be called back into duty for Willem's next book: Don't Let the Pigeon Enter Nathan's Famous International Hot Dog Eating Competition!

Pigeon's lack of self restraint is most likely indicative of an addictive personality. This insatiable quality coupled with his quirky appetites would make Pigeon a formidable foe for defending champion Joey Chestnut and Japanese superstar Takeru Kobayashi.


Left: America Back On Top of the Food Chain
Joey Chestnut's recent victory over Kobayashi is simultaneously being hailed in the media as a sign of the preeminent gluttony of American culture and as our greatest international triumph since World War II. USA! USA! USA!


It is up to you to stop the Pigeon for his own good. Life on the competetive eating circuit is no picnic (Pun intended. I apologize.) Traveling from county to county, gorging yourself on hotdogs, boiled eggs, and sea urchin ice cream may sound like heaven on earth, but it quickly becomes a living nightmare. Ask any professional eating veteran and they will tell you that gastronomic glory is not worth the price of admission.

Plus, as a hot dog fan myself, the concept of a hot dog eating competition displays a disturbing lack of respect for food. The point of food is nourishment, the joy of a hot dog in savoring each bite... not scarfing down as many as possible to the point of vomitting or hospitalization. And who the heck dips their hot dog buns in water?! These people obviously do not love hot dogs, they love the fame and the glory. And it makes me sick.

Pigeon found a hot dog and it is the greatest thing in the world. Keeping him out of the hot dog eating competition may deprive him of the perverse fame of victory, but it will preserve his love of food and his innocence... if you are a real friend, you will stop him at all costs.

So if you see him about to eat another hot dog, do the right thing. Take it away from him and... give it to me! Me! Give It To ME!!!

It's the right thing to do.

I swear.

Yummy! Yummy! Yummy! Gimee! Gimee! Gimee!!!

In an unprecedented coup, children's book author/illustrator Maxwell Eaton III has agreed to an interview with Bottom Shelf Books. His willingness must have something to do with the fact that he and I share the same birthday (October 13th! Same day, different year).

To prepare, the Bottom Shelf Interns worked tirelessly around the clock compiling a series of pointed, pointy, and pointless questions. So without further ado, we are proud to present a 7 question foray into The Mind of Maxwell, author of The Adventures of Max and Pinky.

5 Picture Book Related Questions

BSB: In your books, Pinky has an obsession with Marshmallows--is Pinky's addiction to marshmallows reflective of your own personal affinity for the smushy treat? (If so, how often do you go to the dentist?)

ME-III: I'm a sucker for most anything containing sugar but, like Pinky, have not learned moderation. And as far as marshmallows go, I'm eating them on the recommendation of my doctor who says that I'm not getting enough modified corn starch and tetrasodium pyrophosphate. Mmmm.

BSB: Which character in your books do you relate to the most?
a. Max
b. Pinky
c. Chicken Number 3 who makes a cameo appearance on Page 8 of Best Buds
d. None of the Above
e. This is a stupid question and I have lost all respect for you because you asked it. This interview is over!

ME-III: I admire Chicken Number 3's boldness. He won't accept "Move your feet, lose your seat." This isn't school bus rules! He spent the better part of an afternoon making the perfect nest. Little bit of straw, some alfalfa lining, touch of clover, maybe some stray feathers. He leaves for five seconds and somebody has moved right in! Being a chicken, his memory, sight, and problem solving skills aren't quite as sharp as they could be, but I'll be darned (that's right, darned) if he isn't going to pursue this matter to the best of his ability. That's the real message on that page. That, and Pinky is silly. One page, two messages. You just doubled your money.

BSB: What's up next for Max and Pinky?

ME-III: What's up next for Max and Pinky? What isn't up next for Max and Pinky! This fall they will be starring in their newest adventure SUPERHEROES. The only thing these two love more than marshmallows and one-man puppet shows is throwing on the ol' capes and saving stuff from stuff. A little snow monster battling, some whale saving, and an asteroid interception here and there to ease into the day. But we'll see what happens when Max let's all of these powers go to his head and it becomes Pinky's turn to save the day (A real teaser!).

Then we've got THE MYSTERY which will be out in the Fall of 2008. There's something going on around the farm and Max and Pinky are determined to get to the bottom of it! Also, watch out for a book outside the realm of the pig and the bald kid called LITTLE BOOGERS. I'll let you use your imagination.

BSB: Which duo would win in a tag-team wrestling match? Max and Pinky or Charlie Brown and Snoopy?

ME-III: There's an image for the kids. Look, I don't want to go into too much detail, but I think it all comes down to youthful vigor vs. tried and true experience. How long have Charlie Brown and Snoopy been around, over 50 years? They're the oldest eight-year-olds on the block, and I think they've learned a thing or two in that time. They've got that edge. But you just can't rule out Max and Pinky. A couple of characters with nothing to lose and everything to gain. Place your bets!

BSB: If the world were about to be overrun by an army of heartless aliens with eyes that shoot red-hot lasers, and it was up to you to convince them that humanity had redeeming qualities worth preserving by showing them one picture book that truly demonstrated our worth as a species... what would that book be?

ME-III: It's funny, because this actually happened to me once… I'd rather not talk about it…


2 Non-Picture Book Related Questions

BSB: What would you rather win: an Oscar, an Emmy, or Jeopardy?

ME-III: Probably an Oscar. Because with those pointy lightening bolt wings an Emmy has lawsuit written all over it. And as far as Jeopardy goes, it isn't about the money. Children's book authors don't have a lot to worry about in that department. Let's just say I'm considering buying new shoes this year.

BSB: If you could choose, what would you want to be reincarnated as?

ME-III: I would definitely come back as a wolf. It would be great to be celebrated on so many fine pieces of air-brushed velvet art at carnivals all over the country! Just think of it!


You heard it here first, folks! Many thanks to Maxwell "The Velvet Wolf" Eaton III for being the first author to visit the Bottom Shelf. (Note: The Velvet Wolf is a nickname I just came up with, but I'm hoping it sticks because it is badass. If it does, I want full credit... in the form of a 35% share of the profits from all Max and Pinky merchandise.)

Stay tuned for next week's Author Interview when we use a Ouija board to interview the spirit of Dr. Seuss. (Assuming he's still not too busy turning over in his grave because of that horrid Cat in the Hat movie.)

And if any other authors (living or dead) are interested in a BSB interview, email [email protected] and we'll do our best to shoot some goofy questions your way.

Author/Illustrator: Alexandra Day

Considered a modern classic, this is the story of a mother who goes out to run some errands and leaves her baby in the care of the dog, Carl. While she is out, Carl and the baby have all kinds of forbidden fun, like sliding down laundry chutes, swimming in the fish tank, and eating junk food. Carl then bathes the baby and puts it back to crib and the mom is none the wiser.

Good natured fun? We'll see who's laughing when Child Protective Services comes knocking at the door. I mean, honestly, who leaves their baby's life in the hands of a rottweiller? I don't care how "good" he is, he doesn't have opposable thumbs!

Alternate (Jaded, Pessimistic) Interpretations of Good Dog, Carl

The Cool Uncle Carl Interpretation: Carl is like the fun uncle who doesn't have to shoulder any of the responsibilities of child-rearing, but gets to come in and spoil the child with his free-wheeling and anti-establishment ways. This curries favor with the child while simultaneously undermining the parents' authority. It all starts innocently enough with laundry chute adventures and junk food... but by the time the baby grows to be a teenager, don't be surprised to find Good Ol' Carl buying the kid cigarettes and beer behind the parents' backs.

The Lady and the Tramp Interpretation: Carl misses being the center of attention. Before the baby came along, he was the apple of this family's eye. Now he is merely a supporting cast member, with the baby taking the lead. Desperate to regain the spotlight, Carl decides that he must eliminate the competition. Left alone, he throws the baby down the laundry chute and into the basement, tries to drown it in the fish tank, and even attempts to poison it with obscene amounts of junk food. Fortunately for the family, Carl does not have the fine-tuned skills of a highly trained assassin (again, no thumbs). His attempts are woefully unsuccessful. Knowing that the mother will be home at any minute, he quickly washes the baby, wiping off any fingerprints and destroying all evidence of wrong-doing. The mother doesn't suspect a thing. Perfect. Now all Carl needs is patience as he plots his next move and waits for the family to turn its back... so he can get rid of that damn baby once and for all.