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When I was in college, I worked an early morning custodial job.

Every morning, I’d wake up at 3:30 AM, get ready, head to the school, park in the Y lot (where students were allowed to park) and make my way across campus to the bookstore, where I cleaned toilets and mopped floors and replaced lights and was thrown in the dumpster by my coworkers.  (They did it because they loved me.)

Not to brag or anything, but I’m still really good at cleaning toilets.

Anyway.

One morning, I was trekking across the long and lonely parking lots.

When the weirdest thing happened.

This is me, minding my own business:

And then…

GUYS ON BIKES.

Except they weren’t on regular bikes, they were riding little kid bikes.  Like, green and pink and red ones.  What??

Silently, they rode past, saying nothing.  They looked at me, I looked at them.

As silently as a dream, they moved on.

And so did I.

3 hours later…

What had I just seen????????

Fast forward to years later.  I’d never told anyone about this weird incident, because it was…weird.  In fact, I’d been so sleepy, I half-wondered if it was a dream.  But last week I was talking to a couple of friends…

Both of these girls go to BYU, and we were talking about flash mobs.  So I told them the story.

ME:  …It was, like, 4 in the morning and whole bunch of guys on bikes came riding past…

TRISH:  Wait…were they riding kiddie bikes???

ME:

ME:

ME:  …What?

TRISH:  Because our friend was walking to her early morning custodial job, and she saw that exact same thing in that same parking lot!!!

Keep in mind, this is years after I saw them.  YEARS.

WHO ARE THESE MYSTERIOUS BIKE RIDERS????

Who indeed…..

*cue twilight zone music*

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You guys all know I’m a HUGE Disneyland fan.

I’d live there, if I could.

I’m not sure where, because there’s tons of people and security cameras everywhere.  But it’s still one of my dreams.  (Up there with inventing the foldable waterbed.  I forsee very high market demand for that.)

Anyway, because it’s been on my mind, the last time I went to Disneyland, I decided to ask an INSIDER.  An actual CAST MEMBER (!!!!)

THE TOONTOWN BACKDROP!!!  OF COURSE!!

It makes perfect sense.  No one ever goes to Toontown (or as I like to call it, Abandonedland) so logic says, there’d  be even LESS people behind it!

The waiter said no one ever really goes back there, it’s just full of storage and old props that no one cares about anymore.

(I’m sorry to ruin the magic for you.)

I thanked the waiter profusely and told him he’d probably be seeing me a lot more often.  Me, and my lice.

He was like:

ROAD TRIP!  Grab a cardboard box and come along!

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Mother’s Day is good every year, but this year it was especially good because we got to Skype my little brother.  Adam is serving an LDS mission in Iquitos, Peru, teaching the gospel, helping the people there, cleaning houses with machetes…(this really did happen.)  We don’t get to chat with him much–just one email a week–but on Christmas and Mother’s Day, we get an hour to talk and he tells us how he’s doing and goes on about how awesome Mom is and, on the whole, makes the rest of us look bad.

This is a picture of him, burning a shirt on his halfway-through-the-mission day. (This is a missionary tradition.)

This is a picture of the fire quickly getting out of control.

He looks a little creepy in those, so here is a better picture of him.  Or at least, a picture of him where he’s not the creeper.

On a sad note, Adam’s been pretty sick lately with a mysterious fever.

They thought it was the dengue (jungle fever) but the tests came back negative.  Then they thought it was a disease spread by a feral cat.  (Adam has a thing for cute little animals…he was in the middle of digging a ditch, and stopped to play with a nearby kitten.)

The kitten was, actually, diseased.  And feral.

But the sickness wasn’t from the cat, either.

They finally found out what it was…

…it was…

TYPHOID FEVER.

Thankfully, antibiotics cure this (he’s feeling better already!).

I’m totally getting this t-shirt for him for his birthday:

He was pretty much better by the time we chatted on Mom’s Day.

We also got to talk to my sister, who’s just started a mission in Holland!  Here’s a picture of her with a stroopwaffle (whatever that is):

She had interesting things to say, too…

I guess spiders are a problem there.

She says the spiders are so bad there, they have something called “Spider Season.” (September-October.)  Millions of spiders come out and spin webs EVERYWHERE.

Last Spider Season, two missionaries were knocking on doors.

One guy didn’t want them around.

So he

(rip)

THREW SPIDERS AT THEM!!!!

WHY??  WHY??  WHY WOULD ANYONE DO SOMETHING SO TERRIBLE???

Let me warn you, you people in Europe who are reading this blog.  I am a mostly nice person.  But if you throw spiders at my sister, I will find you.

I MEAN THIS.

Anyway, why would you want to throw spiders at missionaries?  Most spiders aren’t even deadly.  If you really don’t like missionaries…there are way more effective things to throw at them.

*looks both ways*

 Listen.  I’m gonna clue you in on a few Mormon secrets.   But you have to PROMISE that what you read on this blog stays on this blog.  Ok?

Ok.  Here goes.  THINGS YOU SHOULD THROW AT MORMON MISSIONARIES.

Thing #1:  $20 bills.

Take a few thousand out of your bank account and keep it by your door, just in case you hear them knock.  Then, THROW.  It may look like they’re grinning big and stuffing them into their pockets, but $20 bills are made of filthy lucre.

It will slowly melt the flesh offa those squeaky clean missionaries.  Trust me, you throw $20 bills at them, and the next morning, they will look like this:

(Side note:  Mormons always sleep with their Sunday clothes on, no exceptions.  If you see a Mormon sleeping in pajamas, you’ll know that they’re a BAD MORMON.)

Thing #2: Fudge.

Fudge is especially toxic to missionaries.  Is it not written “He who defileth his flesh with the tender goodness of fudge shall surely not entereth into heaven?  Especially rocky roadeth flavors and raspberry sea salteth?”  There’s a special place in outer darkness for missionaries who eat raspberry sea salt fudge, it’s a theological no-no.  Just so you’re aware.

(Be sure to cut them up into bite-sized cubes (about 2″ x 2″ though 1″ x 1″ is acceptable as well, I suppose.)

Thing #3:  Pillow Pets.

Because Pillow Pets are not good for anyone.

Thing #4:  Rocks.

But only if the rocks look like this:

Of course, you’ll be able to throw them much further if they’re set in 24 carat gold or possibly platinum.  It makes them quite a bit more aerodynamic.  Here is a scientific graph to illustrate what I mean.

This isn’t just effective on missionaries, you can also throw them at regular Mormons.  Like me.  Mostly me.  Only me.  Feel free to throw this stuff at me anytime.

(I like pearls.)

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My mom read last week’s blog post, and reminisced upon a tale of a teeter totter, giant cacti, and my older brother Tom (3 years old at the time).

When I was 2, we lived in Tucson, Arizona.  I don’t remember much except that the spiders were HUGE.  (You don’t forget things like that.)  But mom said there was a teeter-totter in the backyard, which I imagine looked like this:

One day Tom was playing on the teeter-totter

and got his leg twisted beneath it.

He had a good cry, and then refused to walk after that.  Mom had to carry him everywhere.

For a week she carried him, and then worried that he might have actually broken his leg, she took him to the doctor.

The doctor looked at Tom’s leg, then went to his drawer

where he pulled out an uninflated balloon.  (Hahaha.  Those were the days.)

He said:

You guessed it.

I hear kids will do this to you your WHOLE LIFE.

Thank you so much, everyone, for entering the Mary Poppins coloring contest!  There were some beautiful (and very creative) entries.  My coworkers here at Disney Interactive were kind enough to make a decision:

Ages 0-11:
1st place –  Leong Ton Yan
Honorable Mentions –  Lucy S. & Anna Stein

Ages 12-19:
1st Place – Annie Anderson
Honorable Mentions – Vivian Vriend & Ruth

Ages 20+:
1st Place – Dale McCarthy
Honorable Mentions – Elizabeth Muennich & Patrice

We have a bonus honorable mention at the end for Chad Jemmett, everyone loved the Tim Burton-esque Mary Poppins.

I loved seeing so many different takes on Mary Poppins…we MUST do this again soon!

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Here’s an illustration I meant to get done before Christmas, but, you know, life.

It’s finished now, and was great fun!

Here’s a detail.

I love drawing so much <3

In unrelated news, I realized yesterday that I made the coloring contest deadline on Sunday, April 13th.  There is no Sunday April 13th this year.  This is yet further proof I shouldn’t be allowed near numbers.

Anyway, the coloring page deadline is now Wednesday, April 13th.  Wear those crayons to the bone, my friends.

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My friend Joe once told a story of his screenwriting class.

In screenwriting class, you workshop the scripts your classmates have written.  The class each gets a copy, you read it aloud, and then you “discuss”.  Joe’s class had just finished reading a script written by a guy named…Sean.  I think his name was Sean.  Anyway, in Sean’s script, there was a scene where two women are sitting on a bed, in their underwear, eating chocolates.

They weren’t dressed in Victorian underwear, though.  (My mom reads this blog, sooo…)

It was time to “discuss”.  Joe, who was married and also had a bunch of sisters, began to “discuss”:

And Sean was like:

He obviously didn’t know what girls did when guys weren’t around.  Because if he did, the scene would’ve been a girl sitting on the toilet, browsing Pinterest.   For like, an hour.

(I’m sorry you had to see this.  I’m sorry I had to see it, too.  The truth hurts.)

(Side note:  I have over 1800 recipes pinned on Pinterest.  1800!  Guess how many I’ve made?  3.  Not only am I a digital hoarder, but when the next giant solar flare hits, I’m up a creek…all those delicious recipes, sacrificed to the sun god.  It breaks my heart (and my tummy) just thinking about it.)

Anyway, I’ve been thinking about poor Sean-who-knew-nothing-about-girls lately.  At first I thought this was pretty funny…

Until I realized that, having been single for most of my life (minus that 1st grade fling with Gage), I don’t really know much about guys.

I am Sean.

Well, okay, not entirely.  I once talked to a boy, so…I like to think I have a pretty good idea of what guys do when girls aren’t around.

And I am about to tell you.

(Brace yourselves.)

The typical day for a man begins at 6:00 AM.  Because guys grow beards while they’re sleeping, they have to shave in the morning.  I don’t know a lot about shaving but I believe it’s done with an ax.

They then go and lift heavy things.

Men love lifting heavy things!

Barbells, bars of barbells, refrigerators, houses…

I can’t lift heavy things so I’m kind of jealous.

Oh my gosh…it’s just…I’m…this may have been the dreamiest picture I’ve ever drawn I need to go take a cold shower.

(phew.)

After that, most of the day is spent taking car engines apart.  (Something I also cannot do.)

(…or draw.)

For dinner, the manliest men do not eat.  They simply drink bottles of hot sauce.

Hot sauce with names like:  “Land of a Billion Tiny Black Peppers”….”Sweet Sweet Salsa Muerte”….”Melted Boiling Heart Cockles”….”Virgin Viper Kisses on Hot Asphalt.”

(I could do this for hours.  I’m thinking about starting a hot sauce-naming company.)

And then…men put masks on, grab baseball bats, and go out into the city TO FIGHT CRIME!!!

Whap whap whap whap whap

Whap whap whap whap whap

Whap whap whap whap whap whap whap whap

(Er…sorry mom.)

After crime has been eradicated (around 11:00 or so), men like to get in touch with their soft-side by watching a feel-good chick flick.  (Men love feel-good chick flicks.)

And then they aaalll go to bed…so they can do it again the next day!

Now you know.  The secret life of men has been exposed.  I’ve done you all a service.  Thank me, shake my hand, leave a comment…but most definitely do not tell me that what men really do is just wander aimlessly around the aisles of Home Depot.

Don’t destroy my dreams.

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Detail

This movie is my childhood.

A couple of weeks ago, I had the craziest day Of My Life.  OF.  MY.  LIFE.

It began at 4 am, when I ran a Star Wars-themed 10K in Disneyland.

I’d been so nervous about it, I hardly got any sleep the night before.  In fact I kept on having nightmares that I had to stop in the middle of the race so I could finish household chores.

It didn’t help that at the seedy hotel where we stayed, I was sharing a bed with my sister. (The Taylor Swift one.)

(She really did say that.)

BUT I DID IT!  I ran the 10k and didn’t stop ONCE to do my laundry!

I also didn’t cheat this time.

Anyway.  While it is crazy that I did any kind of outdoor activity, the REALLY crazy thing happened that night!

It turned out my friend, Christina (who’s as obsessed with Mary Poppins as I am!) was helping out at a Vantastix concert in California that same weekend!

The Vantastix is the acapella group that sings with Dick Van Dyke!!

And she asked if I wanted to come along!!!

I said yes…of COURSE!

I helped set up at the booth in the theater lobby, with CD’s and books and DVD DVD’s and things.  I also met Dick Van Dyke’s wife, Arlene.

She was really sweet, and on the ball too.  In fact, she hosted a Dick Van Dyke art show a couple of months ago!  I’ve heard rumors there’s going to be another art show soon–all you artists who read this blog, get your Dick Van Dyke artwork gussied up!!  I bet there’ll be a call for entries soon!

When the concert began, the stagehands even found me a seat, so I could see Dick Van Dyke himself in concert!!

He has still totally got it.  He still dances!  And sings amazingly and jokes around, and it was so much fun.

I loved it when he told stories between the songs.

He told about when he was filming Mary Poppins, he also played the Elder Mister Dawes.  (You probably already knew this.)

Sometimes, when he was still in costume, he went out on the studio lot where buses full of tourists were being taken around the studio to sightsee.

The bus would stop to wait for him to cross the road…

and he would take…

…forever.

Then, when he finally passed, the bus would get going and he would kick up his legs and race the bus, hightailing it past all the stunned tourists!  Hahaha!

I wish I coulda seen that :D :D

After the concert I helped pack up the booth, and Christina was like:

WHAAAAT

We followed a stagehand through a bunch of double doors, and there, at the end of the hall with the other Vantastix, there HE was!!!

Dick Van Dyke!!

I GOT TO MEET HIM!!

By george, I got my picture with him!!

We went back to the lobby to finish packing up the stuff, but I was kind of in a daze and don’t remember much.

But WAIT.  It gets even CRAZIER.

…Because as we finished putting cleaning up the last of the booth, Dick Van Dyke himself came out into the lobby!!  Just chatting and milling about and having a good time!

He saw me fangirling in the corner.

And he began to dance.

I am not kidding!

He began to dance like this!!

He’s still totally, totally got it.

When everything was packed up, Arlene was like, “What places are open til late around here?” and the stagehand was like “Cheesecake factory is open until midnight” and Arlene to everyone was like

“Okay, let’s go!”

And lest my ears were deceiving me, Christina was like:

WAS THAT OK

THAT’S RIGHT

NOT JOKING

I WENT TO THE CHEESECAKE FACTORY

WITH DICK FREAKING VAN DYKE!!!!!!!

I still am trying to process this.

All through the restaurant, everyone was going nuts.

People were taking pictures and selfies.

Even the Cheesecake Factory waiters were geeking out!

Heck, the waiters…I was geeking out!

In case you were wondering…he’s exactly like he is in all those movies!!  It’s so crazy how full of life he is.  Just so bright.

He’d just look around the table and grin and everybody!

At one point, the waiter set a giant appetizer platter in front of him, with tons of leaves and fancy lettuce sticking up, and Dick Van Dyke was like:

(It really did look like weeds.  Hahaha.)

At the end of the night, I ordered a lemon raspberry cheesecake to go (their best flavor) because I wanted to share with my sisters.

But when I asked for the bill…

I found out that Mr. and Mrs. Van Dyke were already paying it!

My word!!!!

(I probably would’ve only ordered a glass of water and napkin had I known this)

(But still…awesome :) :)

We all left the factory as a group.

Dick Van Dyke held the door open for me!!!  (!!!!!!!)

Needless to say, it was an amazing night.

I showed up at our seedy hotel around 1 AM, excited to tell my sissies the story and to share our cheesecake…compliments of Dick Van Dyke :)

And we ate it up, every crumb.

Here’s my picture from that night:

It was…the best night of my life.

(I can only go downhill from here!)

BTW, if you share this post, be sure to tag The Cheesecake Factory.  I’m trying to convince them to change the name of their lemon raspberry cheesecake to “Dick Van Dyke” cheesecake.

Because if someone like me can have dinner with Dick Van Dyke, anything is possible!

Right now I’m drawing this in a freezing cold house.  It’s freezing cold because the furnace went out, and the company it’s under warrantee with can’t come until Monday.

We’re also experiencing the coldest weather we’ve had in years.  (Go figure.)

I don’t mind though because it means I get to sleep in my fridge, which is very warm comparatively.  Plus:  FOOD!

Did you have a good New Years?  Have you already made your yearly unrealistic goals?

Last year I decided to record everything I ate on my phone.

It was the worst week of my life.

The first couple days I did pretty good…until I realized that not eating at all was way easier than logging it in my phone.

So I didn’t eat.

It got to the point where I didn’t want to get out of bed and I was seeing black blotchy things whenever I lifted five pounds or more.

About a week in, I was beat.  So much for that goal.

My little sister made that same goal this year.

She’s eaten an apple so far.

I’ve decided that this year I’ll be much more realistic with my resolutions.  In fact, I’ve decided to make them UNresolutions–things I won’t do this year.

They might actually get done!

First off, I resolve to quit staring out my window at my neighbors at all hours of the day.  (They’ve said it makes them uncomfortable.  I think they’re being overly sensitive.)

The same goes for following them around in my car, parking in front of their house and watching them come and leave.

This was one of my favorite pastimes and I’m really bummed about this resolution.  (I secretly think they like it when I do this.)

My next unresolution is to not spend a penny on groceries–the whole year!

…And visit my parents more often!

I live about a mile away from my parents.  They really love it.

My next unresolution:  I resolve to NOT run the presidential candidates and all their little minions over with a giant tank that has poisoned spikes attached to its treads.

This one will be hard.  Really, really hard.

And then there’s this unresolution:  This year, I won’t buy a little white puppy in a moment on loneliness and then realize I’m always at work and can’t take care of it so I give it to my mom.

This has happened the past several years.  (Really.)  Sorry, mom.  (She loves it.)

I unresolve to never leave my home again.

Ever.

And lastly, I resolve to not set my sofa on fire in a moment of broken-furnace weakness.

This one will be the hardest one of all.

(Time to go make my bed in the fridge).

Dick Van Dyke (my favorite actor of all time) celebrated his 90th birthday this past week.  I wasn’t able to go to the celebration in Disneyland, but I was still lucky enough to contribute!  This limited edition print was given away at the Jolly Holiday bakery.  I feel absolutely honored to have played a part in the event.

You probably recognize the Chitty doll and the chimney sweep, but that smiley face is from a little-known movie called “Bye Bye Birdie”–in one of my all-time favorite songs ^_^  Dick Van Dyke is just stellar in every role he plays.

I brought my camera & tripod to Temple Square last year, and made some cinemagraphs.  The one above is my favorite, but these other ones are fun too.

Waaaait for it…

This one’s subtle.  But I like the picture anyway.

I know what you’re thinking.  You’re thinking, HOW in the world did she take these pictures without 5 billion people in the background??

I’ll tell you, my friends, and it’s Salt Lake City’s best kept secret:

Temple Square turns the lights back on at 6:00 AM.

Yup.

Even the music plays.  When I went, no one was there.

Except me :)

…And about 500 other photographers.

…And one very sleepy family of 7.

(I think they enjoyed it.)

The last blog post was inspired by an urban legend.  You’ve probably heard it:

About 50 years ago, a lady decided to try one of those fancy beehive hairdoos.

The hairdresser was like, “Okay, it’s set.  But if you want to keep it nice, never  wash it–wrap it up in toilet paper every night and carefully sleep on it instead, and you won’t have to fix it in the morning!  It’ll stay nice for a good long time.”

And the lady was like, “Swell!”

And that’s just what she did.

But after a while, her beehive hairdoo got real itchy.

Real itchy.

Yeah, you guessed it.  One night, in the middle of the night, she woke up like this:

This is a morality story:  WASH YOUR HAIR.

Did you ever hear the urban legend about the bride?  She decided to have her wedding at an old farm, with an old farmhouse and an old barn.

They decided to play hide and go seek.

(Those lovebirds.)

Anyway, the bride went up to the attic and hid in a trunk–

…Which immediately slammed shut

And locked.  Of course.

Everyone in the wedding party looked, and looked, and looked.

But they had to go home.

The groom searched but I guess gave up.

It’s weird how in these stories, they never contact the police.

Anyway.

The trunk remained untouched in the attic for years…

…Until…

(You guessed it)

They found her!

This story is a cautionary tale as well: Never play hide and go seek on your wedding day.  And I promise you: I never will.

Did you hear the urban legend about Martha Washington?

They dug up her coffin (why?) and found scratch marks on the inside of the lid.

(!!!!!!!!!)

This was a legit fear way back when…they didn’t put preservatives in bodies or anything, they just dressed the corpse in a Sunday suit and stuck it in the coffin and buried it.

Some people invested in a bell that was connected to a string tied to their finger, so if they woke up buried alive, they could ring it and someone would hurry and dig them up.

Now that we are civilized, of course, we make sure that you’re good and dead first by draining your blood and pumping toxic chemicals into you.  Isn’t that a relief?

I bet you had a haunted auditorium when you were a kid.

(Everyone’s auditorium was haunted)

My elementary school was haunted.

Or so they said.

They said it had been built on an ancient Indian burial ground, and now 44 Indian braves haunt the school.

…Which I never witnessed (DARNIT!!!!), but a few months ago they were doing construction nearby, and what do you think they dug up?

Not a skeleton (I wish).  But they did find Indian artifacts!  So maybe it was true after all….

I won’t say what elementary school it was, because some of the kids who read this blog go to that school.  I don’t want them scared to go to school, like I was.  (Though for entirely different reasons.)

Have you seen This Man?

If you have, you are not alone.  Everyone dreams about him…or so they SAY.

Learn more here at www.thisman.org…and don’t punch me in the face when visiting this site gives you nightmares O_____O

One last story.  You know how every school has a haunted auditorium?  I think every family has an urban legend.

Wanna know mine?

My grandpa ran into Bigfoot!

Really!

Here’s the story.

When my grandpa was a young’un, he had the smartest donkey you ever met.  Her name was Ginny.

Ginny and Grandpa would often go to Democratic conventions (you know, because a donkey is their mascot) and they would do a fun little show for all the folks there.  My grandpa would say:

And Ginny would shake her head furiously.

And then my grandpa would say:

And she’d be like:

And everyone thought that was pretty great, until of course the Republican nominee actually did win (because this is Utah.)

All this to say, Ginny really was a smart little thing!

Anyway, one day, Grandpa and Ginny would backpacking up in the mountains.

On their way to the middle of nowhere–there wasn’t a person around for miles–there was suddenly a giant rustling in the foliage up ahead.

Along with the rustling came a terrible, terrible smell.  It was just awful.

Ginny went crazy.  She bucked and pulled and sat down and refused to go any further at all.

Grandpa was forced to turn around.  Ginny hightailed it down that mountain!

Was it Bigfoot?  My grandpa thought so.

 And maybe it was!  Who knows?  It definitely makes for a good Halloween story!

Does your family have an urban legend?  Ghost sightings?  Mind-reading?  Leave your story in the comments section!

If there’s one thing I like, it’s money.

In fact, I like a lot of monies.

In fact that love, so near and dear to my heart, gave me an idea that’s going to make me RICH RICH RICH!!!

PICTURE THIS:

THE FUN TENT!!

First, the person who’s paid for their ticket {$482 for children ages 0-5, $679 for kids 6-12, $5,119 for teenagers, $23,917 for grown ups…Babies under 2&1/2 weeks are free, of course…I’m not a miser!} Anyway, the paying participant stands in front of a giant pit of mud.

And is shoved into it.

Next, the participant stands under a bucket full of spiders, snakes and mosquitoes.

(I call this the “Lice Bucket Challenge.”)

(Hahaha!!  Get it??  Because “Lice” sounds like “Ice” as in “Ice Bucket Challenge”! Get it??  Get it??  Oh, you are a dead audience)

Anyway.  After that, the participant…

…is locked in a freezer.

That’s it!  Isn’t it a kick??  Aren’t I going to be rollin’ in the dough??

I AM.  I am gonna be rollin in the dough and do you know why??

BECAUSE PEOPLE DO THIS ALL THE TIME!  THEY PAY TO DO IT AND THEY CALL IT CAMPING!!!

Yeah you are!

There are two kinds of people in this world: those who appreciate the dignity indoor plumbing can provide, and those who like to pretend they’re homeless.

I belong to the first group.

In fact, before this past summer, I hadn’t gone camping since I was a kid!  Which was years, and years, and years, and years, and years ago.

I don’t remember much.  I remember it rained and was so cold the spiders snuggled up to me for warmth.  It was

the worst.

The rest of the experience my brain very wisely blocked from my memory, but maybe one day I’ll remember how I lost all the toes on my left foot.

Anyway, I bring this all up because last year, I was called to be in the stake YW, which is a church youth leader position.  I really like it!

Except for this part…

WHUT

Ever since I was a kid I’ve managed to dodge anything that requires me to leave my house.  I’ve gotten pretty good at it.

PROSPECTIVE DATE:  Are you doing anything this Friday?  You wanna go on a date or something?

ME:  You bet I do!  I’m totally free!

PROSPECTIVE DATE:  I was thinking maybe going on a hike–

ME:  Hahaha just kidding!  Go away!

It’s bizarre how many guys don’t appreciate a girl who likes to stay inside all day staring at the wall!!

{They’re so shallow.}

Anyway, because this was a church calling, I decided to pony up.  My friend Joe, who’s a wilderness survival expert and actually likes camping, helped me draw up a list of supplies:

Thankfully, I didn’t have to spend *too* much to get the supplies I needed.  Definitely less than five grand.  But by george, those are the nicest socks I’ve ever had!

And we began the hike in good spirits!

About twenty minutes in, I realized I had made a grave, grave mistake.

For one thing, that was that big yellow glowy thing in the sky.  I forgot the name of it, but it was totally annoying.

For another thing….NO BATHROOMS????

This turned out to be the worst part of all, because as I breached the last hill to the campsite, this is what I found:

Apparently we weren’t the only people who thought that would be a great weekend hike.

This was not what I was promised.

Our camp leader had scoped this place out several weeks before.

But what could I do?  My eyeballs were swimming.

The moment camp was set up, I set out to find a tree.

This turned out to be a problem.  Every tree I found ended up having a friendly resident.

Things weren’t looking so good.

About four or so miles away from the campsite, I found something that might work.  No one was around.

This frame is totally inappropriate.  I apologize.

If it helps, you’re the only ones who are seeing it.

OR SO I THOUGHT

WHUT

WHUT

WHUT???!?!

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAA

Aaaaaaaand…the rest of the camp was blocked from my memory.

…Except for the part where I drank ZERO WATER for the rest of the trip…including the hike back.

Remember the Fun Tent?

This hike inspired me.

I’ve decided to add a giant glass cage to it.  It’ll have a hornets’ nest, a bucket, and aaaaaaaaaalll the water you can drink!

Interested?

I’m gonna be so rich.

One day, my grandma came to visit.

 {Yay!}

When I was a kid, my grandma would always make fresh carrot juice.

So I decided to make some carrot juice for her!  I’d just gotten a fancy new juicer and was excited to show it off.

That juicer, like so many of my kitchen gadgets, now sits in my cupboard, unused.

 Go figure.

Anyway, grandma said she’d love some!

Because I had a captive audience, I decided to roll my brains all over the counter.

And the rolling began.

During WWII, The British were just developing airborne radar technology.  To keep their island safe from the Luftwaffe {the Nazi air force}, they built a chain of radar towers along the southern coast.

Due to this radar technology, the British air force was able to detect the fighters at night, and suddenly their night attacks became deadly accurate.

One of these night fighters was John Cunningham.  He was the first night fighter ace.

He was good–very good!–and the British people went crazy after him.  Afraid that their airborne radar secret might get out, the Air Ministry attributed John’s success to one thing:

Carrots.

John ate a lot of carrots, they said, and that’s what made him see so well at night!  The propaganda was rolled out with gusto.

Even Walt Disney got into the mix, sending three lovable carrot characters to get the word out.  Carroty George, Pop Carrot, Clara Carrot.

Carrots would help you see in the blackout.

It turns out that this is only kind of true in that if you don’t have vitamin A {found in carrots}, you’ll go blind.  But they don’t give you cat-at-night vision.

John Cunningham was given the nickname “Cat Eyes.”  Which he hated, because it wasn’t true, but he gritted his teeth and played along.  The British people ate it up…literally!  And luckily enough…carrots weren’t rationed during WW2.

Carrots on a stick…mmmmm!

So that’s the story.  I wonder how many children ended up with orange skin.

During all this, Grandma hadn’t said a thing.

Lost memories of my childhood suddenly returned.

It was then I realized I was probably the worst granddaughter ever.

{She’s still friends with me on Facebook, though!}

{Grandma’s never on Facebook.}

{I’m a terrible granddaughter.}

Last week my parents took a trip to Park City, and stayed in a really old, fancy hotel.

(It’s fancier in real life.)

They noticed there was an alcove behind the wardrobe in their room.

It’s a little hard to see.

See?

My mom was really curious about this alcove.  What was that wardrobe hiding??

My parents–those wild, wild things–spent most of the evening trying to see what exactly that wardrobe was hiding!

Maybe a secret passageway??

My mom tried feeling around for stuff

They tried moving the wardrobe

(It was too heavy)

But then my mom got the idea to slip her phone behind it and take a picture.

Do you want to know what was behind that wardrobe?

Do you?

Do you?

Do you???

It was

THIS

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!!!!!!!

My mom’s heart about exploded.

(They didn’t get much sleep that night.)

What kind of hotel hides creepy mannequins in their rooms????

(Mom says it was a Groupon.)