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By:
Darcy Pattison,
on 6/15/2015
Blog:
Darcy Pattison's Revision Notes
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Try Book 1 for Free
I’ve been fiddling with the opening of the second book of a trilogy, Blue Planets, for several weeks, trying to plot, trying to think of new and exciting ways to tell the story. I KNOW the story. It’s bringing it down to specifics that’s hard.
Part of my problem is that Book 1 in this trilogy opens with a scene that echoes the movie “Jaws.” That book and movie has a powerful, action packed opening image and scene that sets up the stakes clearly. My Book 1 opening echoes the action, and twists the meaning into a new, surprising direction. I like the opening I create there.
But it also set up a problem: How can I echo the “Jaws” opening for Book 2?
I’ve struggled for a couple weeks with this question and finally found the answer.
Don’t. Find another image that works.
Using a Mentor Text or Story
Perhaps, though, the process I used in the opening for Book 1 can be repeated for Book 2. I used “Jaws” as a mentor text, echoing its action and setting the stakes very high. What if I found a different mentor text/movie for the next book?
At Blake Snyder’s Save the Cat site, they’ve done a series of analyses of movie plots that are called Beat Sheets under his system. I decided to go through them and write a short summary of how I could or couldn’t echo the different movies for this opening. I knew that I had to approach it as a writing exercise and just go overboard and let the ideas flow.
In an hour, I wrote the summaries for the following twenty possible opening scenes. After, I went back and wrote a sentence of how the closing scene might echo back to the opening scene. That closing scene ideas — only written after all the opening scene summaries were completed — helped me evaluate how well this opening fit my story. Note also that I drew a blank on about three of the movie openings and couldn’t figure out how it would fit my story.
The Grunt Work: Writing 20 Possible Summaries of Opening Scene
Note: You won’t understand what some of this means, since I’m not explaining all the background, setting, characters, etc. That’s OK. The point is to see how I echoed the mentor text/story in some way. The link for each movie title goes to the Save the Cat plot analysis for that movie, where you can read the opening image synopsis and compare it to mine. You may think some of my opening as strangely at odds with the mentor text. That’s fine. I consider the mentor text/story as merely a starting point and go where the story takes me.
- A la Ultron.
The opening image is of a huge conch shell that is blown and echoes throughout the ocean. Jake is swimming and hears it—has to stop up his ears it’s so loud. But no human hears it—at a weird frequency. It’s an emergency call to the Mer, but Jake doesn’t know that yet. The umjaadi plague is spreading and they still don’t know what it is.
Final Echo: A hospital ward full of sick patients and the doctor telling someone that unless someone finds a cure, they’ll all die. The Mer will be gone.
- A la The Conversation .
The opening image is Edinburgh, Scotland the castle with a full moon overhead. Home of Harry Potter, the setting is almost mythical. But the reality of walking the seven hills, and climbing up the highest pulls Jake back to Earth (so to speak). From the top, he sees the Frith of Forth and the bridge—with the aquarium under it, where they’ll go tomorrow.
Final echo: back on the hill, Jake now understands what is beneath the waters he sees.
- A la Whiplash.
Jake is swimming laps in a pool—with no one around—when Cy Blevins walks in. You’re not related to the Commander, you’re the Ambassador’s son—we know all about you. OK. So, what? You can’t live here.
Jake swims, but wants to jump out and beat up Cy.
Final echo: No. Doesn’t work.
- A la Birdman.
Jake is swimming and keeps asking himself, “How did we wind up here? Am I Earthling or Risonian?” He turns sharks into tour guides, he is thrilled with electric shock from eels, he talks to octopuses.
Final echo: I am Earthling.
A la Tommy Boy.
Jake is a toddler swimming on Rison and when a camouflaged creature (octopus-like) unfurls, he is startled and starts to cry. Turns to Swann for comfort, but Swann turns him around and says, SEE. Watch. Learn to see.
Final echo: Swimming and points out a camouflaged creature to Swann.
A la Ratatouille.
B/w documentary about octopuses, compared with what we know today. They were once feared as monsters, but we now know they are very intelligent (playing with toys to get crabs). We see what we expect to see, and that changes slowly. (Or: what’s alien comes from what’s in OUR heads, not what we see in front of us.)
Final echo: B/W Risonain documentary on first contact Earth—from the Risonian POV. We now know Earthlings are much more complicated and intelligent than we thought at first.
A la Babadook.
Go for a memory and emotion. Jake relives a moment with Em where they kiss—or almost kiss. But then shakes himself. No. She didn’t want to be friends.
Final echo: A final kiss.
A la Star Trek (2009).
The camera moves along an underwater ship and reveals it to be a U-Boat. Follow with the scene of the DCS dive.
Final echo: Maybe Mom is sick from something on Earth?
A la American Sniper.
(Scene with dramatic first kill – will he shoot a kid?)
Scene with dramatic first ______?
Clearly, this one didn’t work.
A a Lego Movie.
From a boat, Dr. Max Bari lowers a figure on a stretcher into the ocean, then dives in after her—without scuba gear. He tugs the stretcher deeper and deeper until there are lights in the distance. . .
Final echo: Jake lifts off in a rocket ship and watches Earth get smaller and smaller in the distance, and turns his face toward Rison and hopes. . .
A la Big Hero 6.
Setting: Sanfransokyo
My Setting: Aberforth Hills
Final echo: Earth leaders touring Aberforth Hills
A la Liar Liar.
In a classroom, they are going around telling what their fathers do. A young Jake says his father is a test tube. No, it’s the Leader of our People. No, it’s really a test tube.
Final echo: Jake with Dad.
A la Fury.
(Ambush of triumphant soldier by vanquished.) No ideas. Didn’t work for me.
A la Gone Girl.
(Sharp contrast of emotions: head on shoulder of husband contrasted with his thoughts of killing her. Result: Worry for her safety)
Contrasting emotions? Invade Earth and just take it! Take the long, slow route to a long-term healthy relationship.
Mom is giving a speech to the world leaders about Rison’s needs. Jake is drawing pictures of skulls and wishing he could blast all of Earth so Risonians could take over. How can they ever live together on the same planet and not kill each other?
Final echo: Fight that ends in a truce.
A la Guardians of the Galaxy.
Sitting alone, Jake is listening to a cd mix that Em gave him and wishing they hadn’t quarreled. He gets a call from Marisa, who says she wants to meet with him. I hear you’re going to Edinburgh. Mom and Dad aren’t saying much—but I think Em has been kidnapped and they know who did it, but they won’t go after her. I think she’s somewhere near Edinburgh.
Final echo: Jake gives Em a cd of Risonian operas and says, I’ll be back with the cure.
A la How to Train Your Dragon 2.
Jake is spinning a globe of the world and narrating for his class (OR Swann) back home-videoconference call. He tells of how Earthlings/US once put it’s citizens in jail because they “might” have been traitors. How they questioned the loyalty of citizen merely because of their heritage. How unfair it is and how he’s worried that the Risonians will be even more feared and how suspicion will abound.
Final echo: Suspicious news reports: There are fears that Jake Quad-di is returning home with intelligence that will allow the Risonians to attack. His mother, Ambassador Dayexi Quad-di assures us that he only returns to bring back a cure for the Phoke. But why would he risk his life for them?
A la Twilight Zone.
The camera pans across oceans, racing across the seas, until it zooms in on a conference room where Mom is talking to world leaders, a clear image of politics/diplomacy.
Final echo: Not emotional enough to pursue.
A la Muppets Most Wanted.
Start with pan down from The End—the last movie—and sing about how the studio ordered a sequel.
Final echo: No. Don’t like this metadata stuff.
A la Her.
Jake is writing a letter to the editor, or editorial or something—and we pull back to see that he’s writing it for Mom. He’s her assistant now, and she trusts his knowledge of English and culture. (Not emotional enough. HER is a love story, so the emotions there are about truly falling in love. It’s not going to work in this story.)
A la Inside Llewyn Davis.
The scene opens on a rowdy swimming pool with kids taking bets. Jake lines up with another guy and when the whistle blows, the other boy dives in and races away. When that guy touches the opposite wall, Jake dives in, velcroes his legs and swims. He almost beats the other guy back, but is won out by a touch.
I win! Says the other swimmer.
Jake shakes his head. He swam almost twice as fast—and the Earthling says he won? That’s crazy.
We’re never letting you compete in the Olympics! Says one kid.
Final echo: Argument: You think I can do miracles. Sure, I can outswim any human boy, but on Rison, I’m nothing. I’m just a normal kid. How can I find the cure to the umjaadi in time? I can’t. But I have to try.
Notice that I didn’t hold myself to an impossible standard. If the movie’s opening didn’t spark something almost immediately, I moved on. Further, I didn’t stop at just one try. I persevered, knowing that I needed to fully explore my options.
Evaluate the Possible Openings
After writing all of these, I had to evaluate which one fit my story best. First, I went back and added the Final Echo to each, so I’d know if it fit the theme/plot/characters well enough to carry through the whole story. In other words, I double checked my ideas about the story, my intentions.
Then I asked these questions of each opening:
- Which sets the tone I want?
- Which sets the emotional problems?
- Which sets the themes?
- Which one sets up the stakes as very high?
Results of Opening Images Writing Exercise
I found several good images that took me in new and different directions than I’d previously been trying—and that’s exciting.
- Warning conch shell – warning comes true, all Mer sick.
- Jake as toddler scared by octopus-like creature un-camouflaging – Watches old Risonian documentary and realizes that Earthlings are complicated.
- Dr. Max lowers a patient into the water and goes into a foreign world – Jake lifts off in rocket for a foreign world.
- Listens to Em’s cd – gives her a cd when he leaves.
- Jake narrates the globe – a news show narrates Jake’s trip to Rison.
- Jake outswims Earthlings – but realizes he’s just a normal kid on Rison.
Which one did I choose? Actually, several. Because I have a main plot and several subplots, I realized that several of these can work in sequence to open the different subplots.
Sometimes, I approach a story methodically, just doing a writing exercise. This time, I was stuck, and the exercise unstuck me. That was a valuable hour of writing!
MERRY CHRISTMAS!
Join Leslie Helakoski and Darcy Pattison in Honesdale PA for a spring workshop, April 23-26, 2015. It's a great Christmas present to yourself or a writer friend! Full info
here.
COMMENTS FROM THE 2014 WORKSHOP:
- "This conference was great! A perfect mix of learning and practicing our craft."�Peggy Campbell-Rush, 2014 attendee, Washington, NJ
- "Darcy and Leslie were extremely accessible for advice, critique and casual conversation."�Perri Hogan, 2014 attendee, Syracuse,NY
Opening a novel in an interesting way is crucial. I often see stories-in-progress with weak openings. This week, I happened to pick up a copy of the classic Jurassic Park, and I was stopped on the first page with the economy of language. In two brief paragraphs, Crichton sets a scene, introduces a character, puts us into the character’s life, and places us in a Costa Rica fishing village. He accomplishes so much in a brief passage. Let’s look at it to see if it gives us tips on starting our own stories.
Opening of Jurassic Park
The tropical rain fell in drenching sheets, hammering the corrugated roof of the clinic building, roaring down the metal gutters, splashing on the ground in a torrent. Roberta Carter sighed, and stared out the window. From the clinic, she could hardly see the beach or the ocean beyond, cloaked in low fog. This wasn’t what she had expected when she had come to the fishing village of Bahia Anasco, on the west side of Costa Rica, to spend two months as a visiting physician. Bobbie Carter had expected sun and relaxation, after two grueling years of residency in emergency medicine at Micheal Reese in Chicago.
She had been at Bahia Anasco for three weeks. And it had rained every day.
(First two paragraphs of Jurassic Park, Prologue, by Michael Crichton.)
Weak openings leave me confused, wondering where I am and what is going on. Crichton starts with a specific setting. The second word is “tropical,” which narrows down the location on the globe, while also explaining the type of rain. A “corrugated” roof probably indicates a lower income area where cheaper materials are used for construction.
Notice the great verbs which animate that first sentence: fell, hammering, roaring, splashing. And it ends with a strong descriptive word: torrent. This is masterful selection of language. After one sentence, I know approximately where I am and what is happening.
Next, Crichton focuses on the point-of-view character for this section. Because it’s a prologue, this character won’t be important in the story proper, but he takes the time to give us some of her background, which implies much about her state-of-mind.
She is an ER doctor, just finishing her residency in Chicago, and she thought this trip to Costa Rica would be a vacation. Notice that she’s an ER doc. The old sayings is that you should never put a gun in Chapter 1, if you don’t intend for it to go off sometime. Crichton put an ER doctor in the first paragraph because someone soon would require emergency medical attention. We know Roberta/Bobbie (Notice how he named her fully, then gave us a more casual nickname) is skilled in medicine, but she’s also tired and disappointed with this location.
As far as setting a mood, the torrential storm sets up the possibility of something happening. We’d expect that a “torrent” would bring other problems with it.
Finally, Crichton actually names the locale: Bahia Anasco on the western coast of Coast Rica.
Setting, mood, characterization, anticipation–Crichton sets up so much in just two short paragraphs!
Applying Crichton’s Lessons to Your Story
Setting. Readers need to be oriented immediately to the location of your story. While you describe the setting, use language to create a distinctive mood and set up anticipation. Don’t be afraid to name a location directly.
Mood. Choose language that sets up a distinctive mood. The torrential rain is described with evocative verbs and language. Strong, forceful, a force of nature–you expect something to happen, and soon.
Characterization. It’s important to know something about the character. Crichton gives us a name, place of origin (Chicago hospital), and something of her inner life. Bobbie is a strong-willed woman or she wouldn’t be an ER doctor; but she’s tired because of the “grueling” residency. Bone-weary, maybe. The impending emergency that will require her skills will challenge her, not because she’s not capable, but because she’s so tired. That’s great characterization for one paragraph!
Anticipation. How can you not turn the page? Crichton has set up an interesting enough scenario, and populated it with an interesting character that I’m hooked. I would read on! Wouldn’t you?
Avoid weak openings! Study Jurassic Park for hints on how to take your story’s opening to a new level.
Just one reason you should always keep a notebook handy -- you never know when inspiration will strike!
By:
Darcy Pattison,
on 6/24/2013
Blog:
Darcy Pattison's Revision Notes
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START YOUR NOVEL
Six Winning Steps Toward a Compelling Opening Line, Scene and Chapter
- 29 Plot Templates
- 2 Essential Writing Skills
- 100 Examples of Opening Lines
- 7 Weak Openings to Avoid
- 4 Strong Openings to Use
- 3 Assignments to Get Unstuck
- 7 Problems to Resolve
The Math adds up to one thing: a publishable manuscript.
Download a sample chapter on your Kindle.
My latest Fiction Notes book is now available!
Six Winning Steps Toward a Compelling Opening Line, Scene and Chapter
You want to write a novel, but you don’t know where to start. You have a great idea and—well, that’s all. This book explains the writing process of starting a novel in six winning steps.
CHAPTERS
- Starting the Journey
- Why Editors Focus on Page 1
- STEP ONE: Clarify Your Idea
- STEP TWO: Review Your Skills
- STEP THREE: Plan the Opening Chapter
- STEP FOUR: Plan the Opening Line
- STEP FIVE: Now, Write!
- STEP SIX: Revise
Writing teacher and author, Darcy Pattison, is the author of NOVEL METAMORPHOSIS: Uncommon Ways to Revise, How to Write a Children’s Picture Book, and The Book Trailer Manual. She brings extensive experience in teaching writing to this exciting new book and helps you get started with the creative writing process.
Read a Sample Chapter
Jane Friedman posted Chapter 2 on June 10, 2013 and you can read on her blog. Or go here to download a sample chapter on your Kindle.
Confidence to Begin Your Novel
- 29 Plot Templates
- 2 Essential Writing Skills
- 100 Examples of Opening Lines
- 7 Weak Openings to Avoid
- 4 Strong Openings to Use
- 3 Assignments to Get Unstuck
- 7 Problems to Resolve
The Math adds up to one thing: a publishable manuscript.
ABOUT THE AUTHOR
In 1999, Darcy Pattison started working with fiction authors on revising their novels. In order to come to a Novel Revision Retreat, participants need a complete draft of a novel and we spent an intensive weekend revising. The results? Many published novels, including Hattie Big Sky by Kirby Larson, winner of the Newbery Honor award.
Now, I am turning to beginning writers and bringing order to the writing process. If you start well, you have a better chance of writing a publishable manuscript—and needing fewer revisions. Start Your Novel is a natural extension of my teaching of fiction and will get you past the terror of the blank page.
Now available:
Please do me a favor!
As you know, reviews are extremely important! Please, post your honest opinion about the book on Amazon, GoodReads, B&N or other online sites. It isn’t necessary to enjoy and profit from the writing help you’ll find in the book. But I would appreciate it. Thanks! Darcy
We all know the importance of the first chapter. It must hook the editor and ultimately, the reader, or all is lost. If you don’t pull the reader in with a stunning first chapter, you are sunk.
You can, of course, get thee to a library, where you can sit for lovely hours and read first chapter after first chapter, studying intently as you go. Or, at a retreat in St. Louis this weekend, a writer suggested using samplers.
First you need a Kindle or a FREE Kindle app for the Cloud, iPhone, android phone, iPad, desktop or almost any format you can think of.
Next, search the Kindle store for “sampler,” and you’ll find a host of FREE ebooks that have sample first chapters on a variety of topics. Here are four samplers to start you off.
Be warned! You may find that you simply MUST buy a few of these novels once you read the opening chapters. This could be dangerous to your pocketbook!
Free Ebook Samplers
Hunger for Dystopian Teen Sampler
Awesome Adventures for Kids Middle Grade Sampler
Teen Summer Reading Sampler 2012
Class Acts Kids’ Ebook Sampler
Today, I am working on rewriting the opening chapter of my story. Many authors say they must go back and rewrite the first chapter because they didn’t know what it needed until it the last chapter was written. The last chapter must be set up in the opening chapter, it must be the inevitable result of what came before it. That’s my case today, and why I am revising the opening of my novel.
I’ve done a previous post on 12 options for opening lines and decided to take my own advice. Here, then, are the 12 openings and I need your help. Which one grabs you and makes you want to know more? Please leave a comment and vote for your favorite; but also tell me WHY it works for you. Thanks!
- It was:
It was a brisk spring morning, the day that Laurel and her Father went to inspect Sloth.
- Viewpoint on life:
Cathedrals take time to build, sometimes decades; and as the walls grow, people come and go, live and die. So it was that Laurel came one day with her Father to inspect Sloth.
- Mid-action:
Laurel groped for Sloth’s cold cheek and caressed the rough stone.
- Dialogue:
“Has Sloth survived this bitter winter?”
- Landscape:
- From her perch atop a twenty foot ladder, Laurel looked across the rooftops of St. Stephens Cathedral at the graceful lines of the stone building and the gargoyles which capped every gutter.
- Alternate for landscape: The city of Montague lay quiet on this early spring morning, except for a brisk wind romping about amidst the towers and gargoyles of the Cathedral of St. Stephens.
- SetUp:
When Laurel turned up missing, her father and the priests of the Cathedral of St. Stephens lit candles in prayer and searched and pleaded with the heavens for news of her, but they didn’t think to look up.
It began on a spring day. . .
-
Meet Jack or Jill:
Laurel was tiny, like a hummingbird, her Father said.
-
Let’s meet Joe, My Friend:
If Laurel was a friend to all gargoyles, her Father was the god of the gargoyles, the master creator.
- I am:
I am frozen in time, a girl who cannot move forward or backward.
- Misleading lines:
I hate cathedrals, all that stone surrounding a person is creepy.
- Alternative media:
To: All Priests of the River Province
From: Cardinal Pater
We beseech you, brethren, to be on the lookout for a missing girl, one Laurel Raymond, daughter of Master Raymond, architect of the Cathedral of St. Stephens.
- Screenplay:
Date: Two weeks after the spring solstice
Where: City of Montague, home of the Cathedral of St. Stephens
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By: Darcy Pattison,
on 3/6/2012
Blog: Darcy Pattison's Revision Notes
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