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I want to thank Alexander Slater from the Trident Media Group for agreeing to be November’s First Page Critiquer. All the agents and editors who have been Guest Critiquers are doing this for free because they want to help writers improve their writing. So please realize what a big deal this is to have an industry professional take their valuable time and share their expertise with all of us.

I also want to thank everyone who submits their work for the chance of review. It takes a lot of courage to put yourself out there, but it is the fearless who end up making it to the published book goal line.

This is the last First Page Critique session for 2014. I will announce January’s guest in December.

Here are November’s winners and Alex’s thoughts:

TILENIKA, LEGEND OF DEO by Richard Bisbee – YA

Darkness surrounds me as I float, lost, on the wild sea…

“Ghemmi, you must take rest and come to bed this day,” Kiyami said. “Our Tilenika is away now three days. She is young; she cannot swim forever. Even you, stronger than most, would find difficulty swimming in these wild and powerful seas we now have. You also know,” she swallowed hard, “that the giant bullwah fish rise from their depths seeking prey in waters so restless.”

“I know Kiyami, but I will not leave this spot until she returns. I smell Tilenika on the wind and taste her on the sea spray. The waves whisper that she yet swims. Her heart throbs with life as surely as mine. I feel she has not parted from our world.”

Kiyami lowered her head as the wind whipped through her long black hair and blew the tears from her eyes. “I too wish to believe as you, my husband, but…I will pass by later.” She turned and slowly walked away.

Ghemmi’s deep blue eyes continued scanning the water as his floating samong community moved with the waves and currents of the sea. He thought, ‘Tilenika, your spirit is strong, but I feel you are weakening. Take care not to distance yourself from life. I sense you are close, so please come to the signal float I tend. Death only offers change of life…with understanding and wisdom too late to use.’ He closed his eyes as he rocked upon one of the bulbous seaweed kiila floats of the samong. His mind reached out to hers, rippling, spreading, reaching out, like circular rings expanding when a shell is dropped in still water…rippling…reaching out…reaching out.

Suddenly, he felt a strong tug on the line. He sprang to his feet and began pulling length after length of dripping line. “Kiyami!” he yelled, “Sound the alarm! We have a fight ahead!”

Here’s Alex:

TILENIKA, LEGEND OF DEO

The dialogue here has the old-fashioned feel of a 1930’s Hollywood film, with its grandiosity, detail, and heightened exposition. I see this style utilized in many high fantasy projects, as the ornate and otherworldly setting tends to mirror itself in the language. My problem is that I often have a tough time connecting to this lofty speak, as it might simply feel unnatural and overexposed, as in this sample with descriptions like, “stronger than most,” and, “rise from their depths seeking prey.” These are examples of dialogue that tell, rather than show, and in so doing, the voice feels forced, rather than organic. I would say be careful with such a high style, as it leads to easy traps where characters blend into the narrative, rather than stand out. Also, I think it would be for the readers benefit if Tilenika is given just a bit more description – I cannot tell from this first page if this name is that of a character, or a pet, or what, and therefore, it is difficult to get hooked immediately without that knowledge.

Fool’s Mate by Chris Friden – YA

Constance Yearly lashed out across the chessboard and stabbed an ice pick into the table beside her opponent’s king. She let it thrum. This pre-match ritual intimidated most foes, but Alastair “The Bellman” Brown didn’t flinch. He kept his focus on the black and white universe at their fingertips.

Constance sat back, concealing her pleasure in his brave resistance. Like so many boys, he was sure of his impending victory. Sure that everything in reach was his to take. Sure of his invulnerability, and that left him entirely vulnerable.

Constance watched him scan the playing pieces again while he tried to ignore the damnable space she’d left empty in the back row. She let that missing matriarch vex him and simmer his impatience as she waited for a sign of weakness.

And as reliably as a Caro-Kann defense, it came. Alastair’s left eye twitched.

Constance lowered her red-gloved hand into a Styrofoam cooler at her feet. She searched for her prize and an apropos expression. Revenge is best served cold? That expression didn’t do this justice.

“I’ll have the match before my Ice Queen melts,” she promised in a tone as chilled as the frozen figurine she dangled from the pinch of her fingers. She clinked her lady––clear except for the small drop of suspended red where a tiny heart might have been––onto the place beside her widower king. “Let’s begin.”

Here’s Alex: 

FOOL’S MATE

This opening sentence contains great action and violence. It’s captivating, original, and memorable. However, by introducing a universally known game like chess, prepare yourself for the reader’s intuitions. Sentences like, “missing matriarch,” confused me until I realized they were still setting up the game. Let that be clearer. Also, I am still left perplexed that Constance is able to stab the ice pick, “beside her opponent’s king,” leaving me wondering where Alastair’s queen is? The great reveal of her piece makes sense, but I’m still unsure of Alastair’s pieces. Overall, an interesting opening, with clear characters and mini-plot set to reveal itself. I like openings that feel they can stand on their own, as this does.

Mad Cow Science Club by Jennifer Swanson – Middle Grade

Nick Newton stepped on his shovel and pushed it deep into the dirt. Today was the day. He could feel it. He was going to find something amazing.

“Hey over, here!” Nick’s best friend Rudi Patel shouted excitedly. “Look at this.”

Nick’ heart beat fast as he raced to Rudi’s side. A treaure!

“Omph!” Nick tipped sideways as their other friend and fellow treasure hunter, Rebecca Raintree, elbowed him out of the way. “Take it easy, Beccs, this isn’t the lacrosse field.”

She snorted. “As if you could handle that.” Her dancing eyes and swift grin took the edge off the words. Nick flushed. Rebecca was right. He wasn’t good at sports. Especially lacrosse. Holding the stick while running, throwing, and catching a ball, required way more skill than his

awkward arms and legs could manage. Now science he could do. Nick was awesome at science.

“A skull!” Nick shouted. Yes, today was a good day.

“I thought we were supposed to be looking for dinosaur bones,” said Rebecca. “That doesn’t look like a dinosaur to me. It looks like a cow skull. What’s so special about finding that? This place used to be a farm.”

Nick thrust out his chin. “I think it’s great.” He wasn’t about to let Rebecca take the wind out of his sails. This was the first big discovery for their new science club. And it was going to have a place of honor in their garage clubhouse

“ This would make a great drawing.” Rudi pushed his glasses up on his nose, his brown eyes gleaming, and studied the rock intently.

“Who cares about a dumb ol’ skull, let’s go down to the river and see if we can clean up the shore. That’s what a real science club would do,” said Rebecca.

Nick sighed. Maybe Rebecca was right. This field was a bust. Nick was about to toss the skull aside when he stopped suddenly. His hand froze. Had the sightless skull just winked at him?

Here’s Alex: 

MAD COW SCIENCE CLUB

This first page sets up a fun premise that will seem to blend some fantasy and adventure elements, told with a light touch. I like Rebecca’s strong will, and especially Rudi’s contribution that the skull would make a “great drawing.” This subtle detail speaks volumes about Rudi’s character, and it works to allow the reader to discover Rudi on their own. I feel like more subtlety could be employed for Nick, rather than stopping the action with sentences like, “He wasn’t good at sports. Especially lacrosse.” I know these are essential lines to painting Nick’s character early on, but they stall the action for me in these important first paragraphs. I don’t care that Nick is more inclined towards science class right now – I already kind of understand that with the tension between he and Becca. What I care about is discovering, along with the characters, what they’ve dug up, so avoid characterization when your narrative is in the middle of plot-building.

Winter Hare By Laurie J. Edwards – MG

The wolves bared their teeth and slunk closer. Achen scrabbled for a foothold on a huge oak. Splinters bit into her hands and bare feet. Blood pounded in her head and made her ears throb.

A wolf lunged.

Achen yanked her foot upward, scraping it raw. The wolf’s teeth snapped shut, just shy of her foot. The damp breath from its nostrils heated her toes and sent tremors through her body.

Terror propelled her higher. Inch by inch, she dragged her shaking limbs above slavering tongues. Below her, the beasts fanned in a semicircle. Fangs glinted. Yellow eyes glowed, feral in the gloom of winter dusk.

Achen trembled. They waited only for her to tire and lose her grip.

A snarl pierced the air, followed by a high-pitched scream. Then a slab of meat, splattering blood as it flew, arced over the wolves’ heads. The beasts turned, growling, to fight over this chunk of flesh.

While they were occupied, a black-cloaked figure stepped from the trees, drew a bow, and with deadly accuracy sent arrows quivering into the wolves, one by one. When the last carcass lay twitching, the shrouded figure threw back its hood, revealing a mass of coppery curls.

“Mama!” Achen slid down the trunk, not caring that splinters embedded themselves in her palms. She flung herself into her mother’s outstretched arms. Drawing in a shuddery breath, she begged, “Please don’t leave me again, Mama.”

Her mother’s eyes shimmered with tears. “I must, dear heart. You know that.”

Here’s Alex: 

WINTER HARE

This is an action-filled opening that grabs the reader by the throat. I can see the scene, thanks to details like, “heated her toes,” “winter dusk,” and, “quivering into.” The use of fresh language, and spare details allows the reader to fill in the missing details, and that’s a rewarding experience. Trusting the reader always pays off. After re-reading, the only think I am concerned about is Achen’s age, or size. The feral request of not being left along feels rather young, while the ability to climb such a tree is difficult. I think providing the age in this opening would be a detail best kept for later, but again, a word about her size or ability might paint her clearer in my mind. Overall, compelling.

Talk tomorrow,

Kathy

This illustration was sent in by Patricia Pinsk. She works primarily with water colour, ink, digital photography, coloured pencil and collage. Patricia holds a Bachelor of Fine Arts degree from Vancouver’s Emily Carr Institute of Art and Design (now called Emily Carr University of Art and Design), as well as a Certificate in New Media from Vancouver Film School. Web: www.patriciapinsk.com/ Facebook: www.facebook.com/patriciapinskillustration?ref=hl Twitter: @patriciapinsk

Here are the first page critiques brought to you this month by Liza Fleissig from the Liza Royce Agency.

The Tattletail’s Claw: A CreatureNet Chronicle by Jody Staton – Middle Grade Novel

“Be Careful What You Wish For”

“. . .and that, Clawdia,” says Hershey’s voice in my head, “is why you must never let two-leggers know what we are.”

I lick a paw, and swipe it across my whiskers. Curled up on his wide brown rump, warmed by his body heat, I’m lulled half to sleep.

Zzzzt! A huge horsefly dive-bombs us. Wide awake now, I swat with a paw, and miss. Hershey flicks his long black tail. Whipping horsehairs send the fly tumbling. It buzzes around his legs, he stomps a hoof. His rump becomes an earthquake. I leap to my feet, teetering because I dare not dig into his hide the few claws I have left. We are next to a water trough, and I jump over it to a split-rail fence.

“Sorry about that,” he says. He ducks his head—in apology, I think. No, he’s just rubbing his head against the edge of the trough, scratching the lump that mars his forehead. Then, stern, like the police horse he used to be, Hershey demands that I repeat what he just told me.

I blink. “About the interstellar ark?”

“Wrong. About how two-leggers wouldn’t understand. How can you teach these stories to other Listeners if you don’t know them well yourself?”

I twitch my question-mark tail. “Why? Yesterday you said how few of us—”

“Lunchtime, Clawdia.” A human voice cuts me off. From the back porch of the Schwartz Veterinary Clinic, across a gravel drive from Hershey’s farm, it’s a young voice. And familiar!

“Dookie! I knew she’d come again this summer.” Forget Hershey’s lectures—my favorite person is here! I leap from the fence, streak across the drive. Dookie jumps from the porch, falls over a small bush, picks herself up, and races toward me. We meet in a mess of legs and arms, fur and tight curls, purrings and kisses.

Here is what Liza had to say: 

Staton, The Tattletail’s Claw

The writing itself is nice, with many nice details (like “I lick a paw and swipe it over my whiskers” and “his rump becomes an earthquake”). But my first impression is one of confusion—there are a lot of elements that are unexplained, and it’s rather difficult to paint a picture or figure out what’s going on.

The very first sentence is a difficult and awkward way to begin a story—with dialogue in the midst of being spoken. Perhaps the writer is trying to created intrigue, but younger readers will be confused. For one, we do not yet know they are animals and two, “two-leggers” will be an unfamiliar term.

It takes quite a while to figure out what kind of animals these are, which also causes confusion—you don’t want readers to be wondering about this so much that it detracts from what’s happening in the story.

Other questions: The cat says, “I dare not dig into his hide the few claws I have left”—why is this? Is this a detail we need to know right now, on the first page? Then, the horse says, “How can you teach these stories to other Listeners if you don’t know them well yourself?” First of all, what stories? Secondly, who are the Listeners? Third, why does the cat not seem to care about the stories (and why does the horse)? Again, you want to create intrigue, but you don’t want to leave the reader with so little to work with, and here there are just too many unanswered questions.

If this is a story about talking animals, then it’s a story for young readers. The sentence structure is a bit too complex, and combined with the above questions, I think younger readers are going to feel lost (what is an “interstellar” ark, for example?) We need to have a simpler, cleaner and more appealing introduction to the story. The set-up needs to be such that young readers want to keep on reading. The detail with Dookie is very sweet—perhaps concentrate on this as an introduction—and maybe the fact that these animals can talk is enough of a mystery that the reader will be excited to find out more.

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Daddy, What’s a Redneck? by Erika Wassall Picture Book

Little Lainey squatted, tugged on the pant legs sticking out between the two tires and asked, “Daddy, what’s a Redneck?” (illus: Daddy is underneath a vehicle working on it.)

Daddy laughed. He opened his mouth to answer, but stopped short.

“Hand me that yellow screwdriver and I’ll tell you,” he said. “Your great-granddaddy was a Redneck. He worked out in the cotton fields all day, with the sun beating on the back of his NECK.” Daddy slid out from underneath the engine and smiled. “What happens to your nose and shoulders when you’re out in the sun all day?”

Little Lainey’s eyes lit up, “They get all RED!” she cried.

Daddy nodded. “Exactly! Back then, working in the fields meant you couldn’t go to school. Calling someone a Redneck could have been hurtful, meaning they weren’t very smart. People started to think that folks who worked with their hands all day were fools.”

Little Lainey stared at Daddy’s grease covered hands and sternly shook her head. “But Daddy! Your hands can fix everything! They’re the smartest hands I know.”

“Darn right!” said Daddy. “Folks often try to find ways to put others down. That doesn’t make them right. People all across the country are proud to be Rednecks.” (illus: Daddy’s leaning over so we can see his red neck)

“Why?” asked Little Lainey, as she watched the rainbows dance on the top of the oil pan.

Here is what Liza had to say:

Wassall, Daddy, What’s a Redneck?

Opening paragraph is sweet. I just don’t know how much this topic is going to interest readers. Does this make a story? What is the story here? Dad is answering a question, but what is the story? Why does the little girl ask this question in the first place?

My concern is that the title feels like a joke and it’s hard to take the story seriously upon first hearing what the title is. In fact, there may be a lot of people who take offense before they even have a chance to read the story.

Dad’s answers to the little girl’s question are nice, but there’s a lot that feels a bit too adult here and which young readers might have a hard time understanding: “Folks often try to find ways to put others down” etc.

General kid appeal: a little low. It’s hard to imagine a kid wanting to read this based on the first page (and keep going back to it). Feels a bit too earnest and “issue” driven. Combined with the title, I don’t think this would be something an editor would request over other things currently being shopped.

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JEREMY’S SLED By Sue Heavenrich – Picture Book

Jeremy pulled his new sled out of the car. He squeaked his boots on the fresh snow. “Sugarhouse Hill, here I come!”

“We still need noisemakers for our New Year’s party,” said Dad. “Stick to the small hill until I get back from the store.”

“Okay,” said Jeremy. He waved to Dad and then plodded up the hard-packed path. But instead of stopping where he should have, his feet took him up, up, up to the top of the highest hill in the whole park.

“Just one run,” Jeremy whispered. He climbed into his sled. It teetered, it tottered, it wibbled and wobbled, then –

WHOOSH! Off he flew down, down, down to the line of straw bales that stopped runaway sleds. Jeremy slipped through a gap…

…. and tangled the leash between a woman and her dog.

“Sorry!” Jeremy yelled as the dog flew into the air and landed in the sled. The sled sped across the slick road, down a slope and onto the pond.

“Sliding through!” Jeremy shouted. The sled knocked a puck into the net and flipped a hockey player into the sled.

“Hang on!” The sled slid through a flock of ducks, hit a bump and flew

through the air…

… scared a squirrel out of a tree, knocked a hat off a snowman,

and barely cleared the back fence of the zoo.

Here is what Liza had to say:

Heavenrich, Jeremy’s Sled

I like the fun of the sled ride gone out of control—readers will think this is super fun and entertaining. The beginning is slow, though. Why do we need the earnest, adult details of dad telling Jeremy that he’s going to the store and stick to the small hill? Why not just have Jeremy at the big hill pondering it “mom and dad always tell me to stick to the small hills, but just once I’d like to try the big one” or something like this.

The wild sled ride itself seems to need to be slowed down a bit, too much happens too quickly. The writer could have a lot of fun here by making each thing that winds up in the sled a more fun acquisition.

The title needs to be more interesting and compelling, something that reflects the fun that both Jeremy and the reader are in for. The language as well, while nice, is not really reflective in rhythm and language of a wild sled ride. Writer should look at some comparable picture books for examples.

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Rule Breaker by Angela Larson & Zander Mowat, Middle Grade Novel

Detective Derk’s Spy Manual for the Disgruntled made surveillance sound a lot easier than it was. Knelling on a bent knee, peering around a corner with a mirror, Aaron Adams switched the mirror from one hand to the other. This was just long enough for him to shake out his arm, which had started to go numb. He resumed his position, but his back and knee still ached. For the whole lunch period he’d been looking down the long hall that leads to the school’s cafeteria. He’d been on surveillance since Monday and now that it was Friday, he was losing hope that this would work. An internal debate started to brew in his mind, was it worth skipping lunch again, after the lack of success all week. Then, his target, his jerk older brother Roger Adams, turned the corner.

Roger strolled down the hall in his ‘I’m too important to walk any faster’ mode and pulled what appeared to be a coin from his pocket. Roger never has change, this doesn’t make sense, thought Aaron. Roger walked toward a row of old-fashioned vending machines. These ancient relics had been in the school forever, since a time when their Principle attended here as a kid. They were always full of candy bars, but no one carries change anymore except old people, like Aaron’s rusty teachers.

Aaron’s arm was starting to shake by the time Roger stopped in front of the vending machines. He took slow steady breaths; this was described in Detective Derk’s manual as something you should do if you ever need to steady yourself. He kept the mirror focused on his target.

Roger slid a quarter into a slot, pressed a button and the sound of the candy hitting the tray echoed down the hall. I KNOW he doesn’t carry money.

Aaron leaned so far forward the mirror started to fog from his breath. Before the image…

Here is what Liza had to say:

Larson & Mowat, Rule Breaker

Writing is a bit awkward and clunky—the very first paragraph is actually quite a mouthful to read aloud, and I worry that readers’ introduction to this story will not be as compelling as it needs to be in order to hook readers and get them interesting in reading further. Words like “disgruntled” and “knelling” (is this an error?? didn’t make sense) further confusing the narration.

Kids will find spying fun, but why is one brother spying on another? I think we need a better sense of this. And why is one brother spying on another brother at school (when he can spy on him at home)? In other words, I worry that this may come across as a plot that’s not so exciting (as opposed to having Aaron spy on someone more interesting, like a school enemy, for example).

Words are misspelled throughout (knelling rather than kneeling, Principle rather than Principal) and grammar is shaky. As an agent, this isn’t something I request to see further.

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Thank you Liza for sharing your time and expertise with all of us. It is much appreciated.

Hope everyone has a Happy Halloween.

Talk tomorrow,

Kathy

HAPPY 4TH!

It is my pleasure to let you know that Jenny Bent has agreed to be our critique our first pages in July. Each month four first pages are picked for critique.

See Bottom of Post for submission Guidelines.

Jenny represents literary and commercial adult, young adult, and middle grade fiction. She also represents nonfiction in the areas of memoir, humor and select narrative nonfiction.

In 2003 Jenny joined Trident Media Group, where she was promoted to Vice President before leaving to found the Bent Agency in 2009. She lives in Brooklyn in an apartment full of books and while there are not quite so many lazy reading afternoons, she manages to fit one in now and then.

My list is varied and includes commercial and literary fiction as well as memoir and select humor titles. In adult fiction, I particularly enjoy women’s fiction and crime/suspense. I also love novels—for grown-ups or children—that have an element of magic or fantasy to them or that take me into a strange and new world, whether real or imaginary. All of the books that I represent speak to the heart in some way: they are linked by genuine emotion, inspiration and great writing and story telling. I love books that make me laugh, make me cry, or ideally do both.

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Thought the writers on the West Coast might be interested in this Writer’s Retreat.

It certainly had two great industry professionals on the faculty with:

Editor Melanie Cecka is Associate Publishing Director at Knopf Books for Young Readers.

Agent Scott Treimel heads the full service S©ott Treimel NY Agency, established 1995. The agency represents exclusively children’s books and it give the attendees a chance for a full novel critique.

FEES: Basic seminar is $769 (Early Bird, extended to July 5th); adults’ critiques are additional (15 to 30 pages, or full novel; all $3 per page). Basic fee includes Thursday through Saturday nights’ beachfront, double-occupancy lodging and most meals.

WHOLE-NOVEL SEMINAR & RETREAT

12th Annual Pacific Coast Children’s Writers Workshop:

October 17-19, 2014  Coastal Santa Cruz, CA.

http://www.childrenswritersworkshop.com/

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Here are the submission guidelines for submitting a First Page in July:

Please “July First Page Critique” in the subject line. Please make sure you include your name, the title of the piece, and whether it is as picture book, middle grade, or young adult, etc. at the top.

Please attach your first page submission using one inch margins and 12 point font – double spaced, no more than 23 lines to an e-mail and send it to: kathy(dot)temean(at)gmail(dot)com. Also cut and paste it into the body of the e-mail and then also attach it in a Word document to the email.

DEADLINE: July 24th.

RESULTS: August 1st.

Use inch margins – double space your text – 12 pt. New Times Roman font – no more than 23 lines – paste into body of the email

You can only send in one first page each month. It can be the same first page each month or a different one, but if you sent it to me last month and it didn’t get chosen, you need to send it again using the July’s directions. Of course, it doesn’t have to be the same submission.

Talk tomorrow,

Kathy

This fun illustration was sent in from illustrator Sharon Lane Holm. Sharon is an illustrator/author who has over 20 years of experience in children’s book publishing. She has also written and illustrated 2  apps. available on Itunes, “Kids Counting Kitties 1-10, and Kids Counting Kitties 10-1″; available in English and Spanish.

Carolyn Chambers Clark, SECRETS, YA Coming of Age

Logan Spenser roars his convertible across the school parking lot and idles alongside my half-open window. His black leather jacket shines in the morning sun, setting off his chiseled jaw and the beauty of his mocha skin. I’ve seen him in the halls without the reflective sunglasses he’s wearing now. Something buried deep in his eyes tells me he’s been through some rough stuff himself.

He points his finger at me. “Raz Rinaldi! Thief.”

Chelsea gawks at me from the driver’s seat as if to say answer him, Her yellow sunglasses make her pale face look even more like vanilla pudding, while her blonde hair lies in perfect order against the shoulders of her expensive sweater.
“Thief? You’re calling me a thief?” My words tumble out and I want to duck my head, but force myself to pull back my shoulders and glare at him.

He doesn’t answer me, just laughs and zooms off.

My face gets hotter while I tick through my actions of the last week and find the worst thing I’ve done is “forget” to do the dishes my stepmother left in the sink. “What’s he talking about?”
Chelsea, AKA Speed Demon of Ash City High, and the closest thing I have to a friend, shrugs and laughs. “It’s destiny. The hottest guy in school knows your name.”

I love Chelsea, but she gets everything wrong. “I’m not looking for a hot guy. I have to keep my grades up. You know that.”
Chelsea laughs. “You are one boring chick. I can’t think of one reason why I like you.”

HERE’S SARAH:

Carolyn Chambers Clark, SECRETS:

A clear strength to the writing here is the dialogue, which feels realistic and not forced. We don’t yet know these characters, but I felt like I had a good sense of who they are on the page. However, I felt the writing was expository at times. For instance, “Something buried deep in his eyes tells me he’s been through some rough stuff himself” felt like leading the reader in a very specific direction. I’d much rather get to know Logan as the story progressed before I saw the narrator jump to this conclusion. Similarly, the description of Logan in the first paragraph didn’t feel authentic to a teen voice, which surprised me given the way the teens actually speak in dialogue. Shining leather jackets, chiseled jaw, and roaring convertibles gave the impression of the 1950s and, to me, the adjectives used in this paragraph felt dated, or at least from an older perspective, as well. I appreciated how quickly the love interest – and possible conflict – was introduced right on page 1, and I’m interested in Raz’s friendship with Chelsea. Though, when Logan calls Raz a “thief” I expected more context. Is this a joke they share? Why is Chelsea so shocked he knows Raz’s name if they seem to have a natural banter with each other? We move on to Chelsea and Raz driving away before we get a chance to learn more about Logan, even though the novel opens with him.

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MARK OF THE SIFTER by Laura Rueckert - YA Contemporary Fantasy

Deep in my chest, I could feel it: the girl was asleep. The itch to jump into her dream almost overpowered me, but I lingered in the arched entrance hall of Rainthorpe Manor, the mansion we’d used as home base on Earth the last twenty years. A new recruit had died this morning, and Beatrice would bring her by any moment to meet me. Not even the peaceful glisten of snow through the leaded windows could curb my urge to depart, and I leaned around the corner to check the grandfather clock again.

Beatrice and an older woman with brown, wind-toughened skin materialized in front of me. I nodded to both of them.

“This is the Head Sifter, Seth,” Bee said, gesturing in my direction.

The new Sifter’s eyes flicked to Bee and back to me.

“Welcome.” I didn’t ask her name. The details of her former life had been included in her contract.

Her voice wavered as she asked, “Are you the one shielding it?”

I gave a short nod, and her hard face looked like it might crack. “Thank you. It was horrible.”

Bee caught my eye and raised a finger to show she understood my impatience. “I’ll introduce you to your partner,” she said, drawing the woman from the hall. “And we’ll go over some of your duties.”

“Thank you!” the woman called over her shoulder, but I was already fading out, diving into the dream world of the destroyer.

It was time to find the problem. Stealing, cheating, taunting—despite our normal methods, none under my command were having any luck with the girl who was supposed to annihilate my team of Sifters.

HERE’S SARAH:

Laura Rueckert, MARK OF THE SIFTER

I really liked the voice here. It’s calm without being passive, and I feel like Seth is a narrator I can trust. I wondered, though, about the genre, which is labeled as “contemporary fantasy.” To me this read much more like sci-fi, in both tone and in what was being said. The mention of “home base on Earth” and being part of a mysterious group of “recruits” that jump into dreams have an Inception-like science fiction concept. The idea of dream-jumping is an interesting premise, and I like how this opens with Seth’s desire to jump into this sleeping girl’s mind. It tells me a lot about him as a character with very few details. Though, overall, I was left with more questions about this concept than intrigue. Who is the sleeping girl and why is she not mentioned when Beatrice enters the scene? Is Seth no longer with her at that point? I also wanted the phrase “dream world of the destroyer” explained a bit more. Is “the destroyer” a person? A threat? Why is Seth involved? Without context, it’s hard to get immersed in the world, and in sci-fi – and fantasy – that is the key element in attracting a reader on the first page. I needed to know what a Sifter was in order to know who our main character was, and also know enough about his world to want to learn more.

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JUST GO AHEAD by Valerie McCammon, Picture Book

My annoying big brother, Patrick Robert, doesn’t think I can do anything right.
I’ll show him.

I tell him I’m going to swing as high as the sun.

“You just go ahead and do that, Nick.”

I pump and I push, flying higher and higher. I’m Astronaut Nick zooming across the Milky Way.

“Fire the rocket boosters.”

I gain speed as I dodge whizzing asteroids.

Clunk! One hits me in the head. [Illo note: acorn falls]

Patrick laughs and walks away.

I tell him I am going to sail across the ocean to rescue the tribal princess.

“You just go ahead and do that.”

I ready my ship. I hoist anchor, and Captain Nick shoves off.

“To the Skeleton Coast.”

The sail billows in the wind as I shout orders to the crew. [Illo note: Swab that deck, sailor. Batten down the hatches, mates. Report to the brig, cadet.]

Uh-oh. Pirates are boarding. [Illo note: dogs jump in]

As the hull fills with water, one last command: “Abandon ship.”

I lunge for shore as Patrick moors the sinking vessel. He sighs as he also rescues the crew.

I remain confident. I tell Patrick I am sure I can find hidden treasure.

“You just go ahead and do that.”

I don my pith helmet and claw through the attic jungle. Patrick trails me from a safe distance.

Hiss! An anaconda, poised to strike. [Illo note: coiled up garden hose]

HERE’S SARAH:

Valerie McCammon, JUST GO AHEAD

As a picture book concept, I thought this was really fun. I love the idea of a younger brother trying to get the attention of his older brother, and the escalations of each attempt. Though, the illustrator notes left little interpretation for the scene. It’s important to use descriptive language in picture books, but the illustrator should be able to add to that vision with their own. Another thing I liked about this book was that Nick’s first attempt at “swinging as high as the sun” was a realistic thing he’d be doing at a playground, and that in his mind it went to a completely fantastical place. But, the next declaration is to “sale across the ocean to rescue the tribal princess.” This, to me, was the fantastical thing in his head, but didn’t fit the pattern you set up of “real thing vs. imagination.” What also confused me a little bit was the opening line, “… doesn’t think I can do anything right.” None of the scenes that follow really demonstrated him trying to do anything “right” so much as trying to prove he can do something amazing. The phrasing there didn’t really set up what the story was going to be about. That said, I think this is a strong concept overall and can be very fun with a few tweaks for consistency.

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The Outlands, a middle grade novel by Julie Artz

The first rule the village elders teach us in Graz? Curiosity kills. It’s the first lesson, the last lesson, and just about every lesson in between from what I can tell. They only let up for a sprinkling of history and a dash of survival. I should know. I’m in year seven of this, the final year before apprenticeships start.

So I’m not surprised to see Curiosity Kills written in tidy script on the whiteboard when I walk into class. I slide my bag under my desk and power on the tablet that’s bolted to the desktop. My fingers trace the graffiti on the wooden surface before swiping at the screen and picking up where yesterday’s notes left off.

Paper is scarce so we type everything. It’s a good thing, too, because my chicken-scratches wouldn’t pass muster with my teacher, Ms. Imma. She’s standing at the front of the class now in a dress as neat and precise as her handwriting on the board. The wooden shutters of our tiny schoolroom are opened wide, hoping to capture enough breeze to keep us from roasting. Or falling asleep.

I tap some of her words with a few added “blah, blah, blahs” into my tablet and glance over at Lisbeth, who types like a bird skimming the surface of the creek at a mayfly hatch. Zip. Zip. Zip. She notes every single word, and probably studies them every night before her bedtime prayers. It makes sense, really, because Ms. Imma is her mother.

Lisbeth is the only one of the year sevens who seems happy with the plan the elders have for her. My best friend, Nico, fidgeting at the desk in front of mine, will dig wells with his father, Aitor. Pablo will tend goats. Both jobs involve hard work and a strict master. Lisbeth will become a teacher. She’ll be perfect after years of practice nagging the three of us.

Then there’s me. Unlike the others, I can’t follow in my father’s footsteps. He’s already got an apprentice. My brother Rim. I feel my ears getting hot just picturing the glee on Rim’s face.

HERE’S SARAH:

Julie Artz, THE OUTLANDS

I loved the opening line of this, and the opening paragraph overall is strong as well. It sets up an interesting premise and I was curious to read further to find out just why curiosity kills and what, exactly, this apprenticeship was all about. I liked the voice, but did have a few concerns about word choice. For example, “chicken scratch” felt like an old-fashioned phrase that a MG-aged character wouldn’t refer to himself. I also didn’t know whether a “bird skimming the surface of the creek at a mayfly hatch” was supposed to mean very quick or very carefully. This, of course, might be regional, but the phrasing of it also felt like the voice of someone much older. I couldn’t picture a young person speaking that way, particularly with the use of simile and metaphor. It didn’t feel true to the voice we opened with. I also wasn’t sure if this was a futuristic world. Paper is scarce, but they don’t seem to be typing on anything that doesn’t already exist. The jobs that are described for the other Year Sevens feel very rural, but without any futuristic advancements that may exist. It made me wonder if it isn’t futuristic, why is paper scarce and why does curiosity kill? I think the world could be better developed here. I also didn’t see the narrator very much after that opening paragraph. I was curious why the story itself begins here and where the plot of the novel is set into motion.

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Thank you Sarah for sharing your time and expertise with us. We can all learn a lot from reading and first page and hearing what an editor or agent thinks.

Talk tomorrow,

Kathy

CALL FOR SUMMER ILLUSTRATIONS!

This month we had three give-a-way books:

A picture book titled S IS FOR SEAGLASS written by Poet Richard Michelson and illustrator Doris Ettlinger
A Young Adult novel titled, PANDEMIC written by Yvonne Ventresca
A Young Adult thriller titled, KILLER INSTINCT written by S.E. Green

Here are the three winners:

Nancy Furstinger
Heather Ayris Burnell
Karen Lee Hallam

If you are a winner, please email me your name and address and list the three books in order of preference. Number one being your first choice. First come first serve.

Sarah LaPolla from the Bradford Literary Agency is our Guest Critiquer for June. If you are attending the NJSCBWI Conference make sure you look for her. She is on the faculty.

See Submission Guidelines at the bottom of this post.

Sarah LaPolla joined Bradford Literary Agency in May 2013. Prior to joining forces with Laura and Natalie, Sarah worked for five years in the foreign rights department at Curtis Brown, Ltd., and became an associate agent there in 2010. She received her MFA in Creative Writing (Nonfiction) from The New School in 2008 and has a B.A. in Creative Writing from Ithaca College.

Sarah represents YA and adult fiction. On the adult side, she is looking for literary fiction, science fiction, magical realism, dark/psychological mystery, and upmarket commercial and/or women’s fiction. For YA, she is interested in contemporary/realistic fiction that doesn’t shy away from the darker side of adolescence. YA sci-fi, horror, mystery, and magical realism are also welcome; and she would love to find a modern Judy Blume for the MG market. No matter what genre, Sarah is drawn to layered/strong characters, engaging narrators, and a story that’s impossible to put down.

Sarah is not looking for: picture books/children’s, inspirational/spiritual novels, romance, or erotica

Blog: http://glasscasesblog.blogspot.com/

Twitter: @sarahlapolla

Grabbing Sarah’s attention:

There are two things I’ve been searching for in my submissions and am having a hard time finding lately. The first is the element of surprise. I’m not talking about a shocking plot twist, necessarily. Or at least I’m not just talking about that. I need to be surprised by what I’m reading. That could mean a plot twist I didn’t see coming, but it can also mean a number of things. Am I feeling a range of emotions I didn’t expect to experience? Has the main
character grown and changed in a way they didn’t seem capable of at the beginning of the novel? Did the writing itself surprise me in its style, quality, or form? I like knowing what type of novel I’m getting into when I request a submission, but the last thing I want that manuscript to be is predictable.

The other thing I’m not seeing as much of lately are strong male characters. We talk a lot about what makes a female character “strong.” I, for one, talk about it a lot. But, the boys in YA are being forgotten. I see too many perfect boyfriends, perfectly imperfect bad boys, “nice guy” best friends, and sassy gay friends. Maybe it’s because I read a lot of submissions with female main characters, and boys are generally cast as friend, enemy, or love interest to the main character. That’s all well and good, but that doesn’t mean they have to be one-dimensional. Whether it’s a male or female character, I need them to be strong… meaning, they should be able to stand on their own and have just as many complexities as humans in real life.

Here are the submission guidelines for submitting a First Page in June:

Please put “June First Page Critique” in the subject line. Please make sure you include your name, the title of the piece, and whether it is as picture book, middle grade, or young adult, etc. at the top.

Besides pasting it into the body of the email, please attach your first page submission in a Word doc using one inch margins and 12 point font – double spaced, no more than 23 lines and e-mail and send it to: kathy(dot)temean(at)gmail(dot)com. So it should be cut and pasted into the body of the e-mail and then also attached as a Word document to the email.

DEADLINE: June 19th.

RESULTS: June 27th.

Use inch margins – double space your text – 12 pt. New Times Roman font – no more than 23 lines – paste into body of the email and attach.

CALL FOR ILLUSTRATIONS: Still need illustrations for summer. Would love to show off your illustrations during one of my daily posts. So please submit your illustrations: To kathy (dot) temean (at) gmail (dot) com. Illustrations must be at least 500 pixels wide and include a blurb about you that I can use. Put Summer Illustration in the subject area. Thanks!

Talk tomorrow,

Kathy

Talk tomorrow,

Kathy

I want to thank Agent Quinlan Lee at Adams Literary for taking the time out of her busy schedule to critique four first pages that were submitted. It really helps all of us to read what was submitted and what an industry professional thinks.

Quinlan is a published author of numerous books for young readers and more than 15 years of business and project management expertise. She has been a part of the Adams Literary team since 2008, representing clients in all genres from picture books to YA. She is an active member of the Society of Children’s Book Writers and Illustrators (SCBWI) and a founding board member of the Charlotte Chapter of the Women’s National Book Association (WNBA).

Carol Foote                                          TROUBLE DOG                                         PB

Pepin never meant to be trouble. He just liked to play – romping, sniffing, nosing, digging … toppling, grabbing, leaping, crashing…

So Pepin was always in trouble. And his foster family, who was trying to find him a good, forever home, wasn’t having any luck.

When the first visitors came to consider adopting Pepin as their pet…

Pepin was scrabbling at the kitchen wall. Mouse! I smell mouse! He made a small hole and thrust his nose inside.

“No, Pepin!” Father shouted.

Pepin pushed harder and made the hole bigger. Mouse! He wants to play!

“Out of the kitchen!”

Shaking their heads, the family left. “We can’t have a dog like that,” the man said.

When the next family visited, their little boy roared his T-Rex through the air.

He wants to play! Pepin took one leap and – WHAM! [ART: boy is on the floor wailing.]

“No, Pepin!” Mother grabbed the dinosaur in Pepin’s mouth.

She wants to play! Pepin pu-u-u-lled as hard as he could, and – BAM!

Mother rubbed her elbow. “Outside! Now!”

Shaking their heads, the family left. “We can’t have a dog like that,” the boy said.

When a couple visited, Pepin was in the yard. He sniffed the air. Mmmmm! People food! Pepin nosed the lid off the trashcan and leaned in. The can tipped, tipped, tipped and – CRASH!

Pepin shook the bag. RRR-RIP! [ART: various kinds of garbage spill out, including diapers] Here’s something to play with!

“No, Pepin,” Mother yelled.

Shaking their heads, the family left. “We can’t have a dog like that,” the woman said.

Here is what Quinlan had to say:

Trouble Dog

I liked the set-up in the opening with a dog who didn’t want to be trouble but whose puppy behavior put him spot-in the middle of it. There were nice fun action words to draw the reader in. I’d love to see a few more of those later in the manuscript. I’m a little concerned that the overall concept of the book—a puppy being fostered, looking for a forever home—might be a little complex for the youngest PB readers.

Also, don’t be afraid to let the illustrations do some of the storytelling. For example, instead of writing “He made a small hole and thrust his nose inside,” just write “Mouse! I smell a mouse!” and let the illustrator go to town bringing Pepin’s character and enthusiasm to life and showing the readers how he reacts to the idea of a mouse in the kitchen.

I liked the repetition of “We can’t have a dog like that.” But you could punch it more by taking away the shaking your head line. Again the illustrations could show that. It would be fun if you played with the line so it brings it back to the Trouble Dog line, such as “We can’t have a dog like that. That dog is trouble!”

They key to whether this story works or not will be the ending. We already have over 260 words, so the clock is ticking. If there is fun and funny resolution that shows that Pepin really isn’t trouble and that he finds the perfect home (or his foster family decides to keep him) then it will make the destination worth the journey.

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B. A. Rieth                                 Title: MS AMERICA                                    YA

I forgot to breathe the first time I saw Noah Vale. Dressed in khakis and a white button down shirt, he dribbled a basketball in the driveway across the street from our house. He wore a tie. “Will you look at that,” Dad said. “I think we have new neighbors.”

Believe me, I was looking. Noah moved like a dancer, long and sure and strong. Cutting left, then right, he guarded the ball against some phantom opponent and pulled at something real in me. I couldn’t keep my sighs off him. “Humph,” Dad said.

I knew what he was thinking. With all his years in the real estate business, how could he have missed the clues of a home about to change hands? The white picket fence freshly painted, the gutter that had drooped for years, now straight as a balance beam. I thought of Mom, her phone calls stretching across time zones. We had missed clues before, Dad and I.

We stood side by side in front of our big picture window. It was Sunday. Early. Almost 10:45. Dad sipped coffee from his favorite mug, bathrobe opened, pajamas rumpled. I pushed up my glasses and smoothed the sleep from my hair. I’d heard about Noah and his family last evening, from our next door neighbor, Mrs. Kurowski. “They have a boy your age,” she’d said across our backyard fence as I stuffed a bag full of Chinese take-out containers into our garbage can. “A nice boy. Cute. That’s the word girls use these days, isn’t it, dear?”

Rumor, I’d thought. Wishful thinking. Not anything I was willing to believe until I saw it with my own eyes. Mrs. Kurowski had been wrong before. Years ago she’d told me the Savoys were in the movie business. The day they moved in I’d stood at the curb, autograph book ready, as their moving van lumbered into the neighborhood. Not the one they had hired. The one they owned. Savoy Family Movers.

But this time Mrs. K had gotten it right. Cute was the word. I fought the urge to pirouette. Me, with two left feet and a tongue always ready to trip me up.

Here is what Quinlan had to say:

Ms. America

This has a nice opening. I was pulled into this girl’s voice right away with “I forgot to breathe the first time I saw Noah Vale.” Also the way she told the readers that her mother was gone was quick, deep and cut straight to the heart: “I thought of Mom, her phone calls stretching across time zones. We had missed clues before, Dad and I.” That is a perfect example of spare, strong writing. Similarly, saying “It was Sunday. Early. 10:45.” and even talking about her throwing away the take-out containers was nicely done. The author’s given us a great snapshot of their lives without telling us or over explaining.

I also liked the humor in the story of the neighbor and the “movie company” and the girl’s reaction of “I fought the urge to pirouette. Me, with two left feet and a tongue always ready to trip me up.” Again, it gives us an idea of who this girl is—self-depreciating and funny, not too bitter—and it made me want to know her more. I’d keep reading for sure, even just to learn her name and see her meet this breath-taking boy.

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LIKE VANESSA by T. Charles                                                                        MG

The soil is bad for certain kinds of flowers. Certain seeds it will not nurture…but it doesn’t matter. It’s too late. At least on the edge of my town, among the garbage and the sunflowers of my town, it’s much, much, much too late.

Focusing in class isn’t even an option. Every word of The Bluest Eye haunts me. I’m convinced Toni Morrison has stalked my life for the last thirteen years and renamed the main character Pecola. She is my long-lost twin. Black like me. Screaming for the ugliness to escape. For people to see her for what she is on the inside. Beautiful. Like Miss America. Like Vanessa Williams. Like me?

I wonder if Ms. Morrison’s ever been to Newark, New Jersey. Cause there ain’t nothing but garbage here, too. Garbage on the streets. In those pipes the meth heads sprinkle through the alleys. In the elevators that carry me to the eighth floor of my apartment in the Grafton Hill Projects. Except there ain’t no sunflowers in my ‘hood. Just them fake, plastic, dollar-store-looking ones Pop Pop puts on the windowsill.

It’s sixth period Chorus, and I’m not the only one ignoring the teacher. The scattered noises of gossip and hip hop rhymes battle it out against the melody Mrs. Walton is playing on the piano. Clearly, the students are winning. My seat is wedged in the furthest corner of our dungeon-like music room. I am invisible. The darkness of the walls blends into my dark clothes and even darker skin. I sink into my chair, placing The Bluest Eye under my seat, and reach for my next read, I Know Why the Caged Bird Sings. Pop Pop says he got it special for me because I’m his little songbird.I turn to the first page, ready to lose myself in Maya Angelou’s words. Anything to escape this jungle called school.

Here is what Quinlan had to say:

Like Vanessa

            The writing in the opening paragraph is strong, but it is little abstract, and so it took me the rest of the page to get my bearings. Perhaps starting the story with the third paragraph so we know that we’re in chorus class and it’s chaotic and our protagonist is using THE BLUEST EYE to tune it all out. Then going into wondering it Ms. Morrison has ever been to New Jersey (which places the reader even more concretely in a time and place) and then going into the first paragraph’s ideas about how she connects to Morrison’s work would help the reader connect more easily.

The picture of Newark is haunting and the use of “Pop Pop” starts to hint at the girl’s world and who we will meet in her story. The references to Vanessa Williams threw me a bit, especially in connection with all the Morrison and Angelou references. I’m assuming they are important to the story because of the title, but if not then I’d say to drop them. Not many young readers today will make the immediate connection to who Williams is and her importance to the girl. Overall the voice is very strong, and I would read more.

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Bebe Willoughby         PERMISSION TO LOVE             YA  

A screeching noise sounded within the cabin. The airplane turned, then dropped sharply.

We were on our way to Athens, but we were circling a different airport. The sign came on that told us to return to our seats and fasten our seat belts

“Something’s wrong.” the guy beside me said. Neither of us had slept. We’d talked all night.

A hushed sound came from the passengers. “What’s happening?” I asked.

“There’s a small mechanical problem. The pilots are fixing it,” a flight attendant said.

Panic rushed in. The noise continued, sounding like the brakes on a bike coming to a sudden stop.

“This is your Captain speaking. Due to mechanical difficulties, there’s going to be an

emergency landing. Everyone should pay close attention to the flight attendants as they review the emergency landing procedures.”

“Tighten your seat belts, and put your head down between your legs.” It was the last

We were going to crash, I thought. The flight attendants took the seats in back.

A woman across from us started to cry. Another woman took out her rosary beads.

“What’s your name?” I asked the guy I’d been talking to so long. Suddenly it was

important that I know.

“Miles. And yours?”

“Jade.”

Here is what Quinlan had to say:

Permission to Love

            I had some difficulty with tone of this one. The action of the story is gripping—the plane is going down!—but the description and writing is clinical and detached. I want to feel the danger and the fear of the main character. The dialogue is very calm and unemotional, even though we’re told that “Panic is rushing in!” Where is the tension? If I was thinking, “We’re going to crash.” My inner thoughts would be spinning. Show us that!

I liked the line, “We’d talked all night”, but I wanted more. How had they talked? Just to pass the time? Because she was attracted to him? Had people shushed them but they just couldn’t stop talking? Was it soft talk once the lights were turned down low, while they held hands under a blanket? Or was it boring talk about celebrities and subjects they like in school? You don’t need to go into lots of detail here. But just a sentence or two more will show us more about Jade and make us more emotionally connected and worried about her dying in a fiery crash.

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Thanks again Quinlan. Good job!

Talk tomorrow,

Kathy

I want to thank Agent Marie Lamba from Jennifer DeChiara Literary Agency for taking the time out of her busy schedule to critique 4 first pages that were sent in for May. Having her share her expertise is a huge help to all of us.
 
QUINLAN LEE, Agent, Adams Literary  will end MAY with her four critiques posted on May 30th. Deadline to submit: May 22nd.

Here are the Results:

Jennifer Kirkeby / PEACEFUL ACRES / YA Magical Realism

 
“David, we’re here.” The voice jolts me awake. The bus driver’s eyes stare back at me through the large mirror they always use to catch kids smoking, eating, making out, or punching each other. Her eyes are glassy and tired with dark bags hanging underneath them as proof. Must have been a long drive. Below the mirror swings an assortment of crucifixes that she begins to untangle.

I wipe the drool off the side of my mouth and scan the inside of the bus. I’m three rows back on the right side, and unless someone’s sleeping in one of the seats, the only passenger. Weird. I look outside to my right, and am surprised to see a huge white mansion. Gardens out front, a gigantic fountain – real Great Gatsby stuff. Squeezing my eyes shut, I shake my head trying to rattle my brain cells into functioning order to tell me where I am. When I open them, I have a vague memory of going somewhere to do community service.

“Do you need help with your bags?” the bus driver asks while rubbing the back of her sizable neck.

“Uh, no. I got it, thanks,” I tell her, while looking around for my stuff. Noticing my confusion, she points to the floor under the front seat where I see my suitcase and backpack. Guess I’m staying a while. When I stand up, my body alerts me that I’ve been sitting forever. My legs practically fold underneath me, my muscles hurt, and my head throbs. I slide my bags out while the driver opens the door. The swooshing sound is like a giant vacuum seal releasing me into the unknown.

“I’ll see you in six months, David. Stay strong.” My stomach drops. Six months? Her eyes are apologetic. In seconds, her face shifts to genuine concern, and then… is that fear? What does she know that I don’t?

HERE’S MARIE’S THOUGHTS:

PEACEFUL ACRES

This first page raises lots of questions for the reader, which is always a good thing. It makes me wonder where he is and why? What will happen next? That’s the sort of thing that might make me want to read on. The other piece of that “want to read on” puzzle consists of character. Who is this character? Why might I care or worry about him? Get that right, and you’ll definitely have me on board to continue.

But in this first page (which, I realize, is just ONE page), I know far more about the bus driver and the setting than about the boy. So make sure your focus in this scene is where you truly want it to be.

The boy’s character is starting to be revealed when he describes the mansion as “real Great Gatsby stuff” – I like that. That’s the sort of detail seen through the character’s eye and said in his voice that not only reveals what he sees, but starts to reveal who he really is. I’d love to see more of his point of view.

First person can be tricky. It results in lots of “I” sentences. I wipe the drool… I look outside… I slide my bags… Make sure you vary your sentence structure throughout, or this will grow tiresome quickly. Also, once you’ve quickly established that something is in first person, you don’t have to say “I look outside to my right…” Just say, “Outside to my right…” He’s your point of view character, so how else would he see that? You can pull out most, if not all, of the “I see” and “I look” and “I notice” in a story by keeping this in mind. Also try to avoid phrases like, “When I stand up, my body alerts me…” Instead, consider something more direct like, “When I stand, my legs practically fold underneath me…”

My favorite line in this is: “The swooshing sound is like a giant vacuum seal releasing me into the unknown.” It’s a great lead in to a mysterious tale.

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GAMBLER’S DAUGHTER, YA Novel, by Orel Protopopescu

PART ONE: January, 1968/   Chapter One

Six days out of seven, I didn’t know if my father would come home. Sometimes he stayed in the city, gambling, for three nights in a row, nights I was often alone in our house on the edge of a parkway in the middle of Long Island. But every Friday evening he met my train at Penn Station, took me to his club and some place for dinner, and then drove me home by dawn.   This routine was my idea. One day a week, at least, I knew that he’d quit before the sun came up, no matter how much he’d lost. One day a week, we’d share a meal and a few laughs.

Plenty of girls would think I was lucky to be so free, those who didn’t know what it was like to be your own mother and father.   They’d probably never met anybody like my dad, who’d let me do as I pleased since I was fifteen. If he ever found me in bed with Jimi Hendrix and his guitar, he’d just ask Jimi, politely, if he would play us a song. But my Jimmy wasn’t singing to me, unless you count choir practice, when he sang for everyone and no one. He wasn’t even talking to me anymore, so there was little chance of him ending up in my bed and there was nobody else I wanted to share it with. The world was full of boys and men, but I only longed for a boy who wasn’t even a friend anymore and a father who was almost never home.

It could have been worse, I told myself. Some kids were orphans, living in shelters, foster care, or even on the streets. That happened to the unlucky ones. But I could look across a table at my dad, no matter how late or early, and know that I still had a sort of family.   That’s why I was making my way over the icy sidewalks between my high school and the train station on a freezing Friday afternoon. The winds were so fierce, I bowed my head to tunnel my way through them. This wasn’t the hard part.  Being at the club would be harder.   I was tired of being my father’s luck.

HERES MARIE”S THOUGHTS:

GAMBLER’S DAUGHTER

Right away, I was drawn into the voice and point of view here. Very important elements to sustain a novel, so this is a great thing!

One thing I suggest, though, is that the story start out within a scene, instead of with narration. I really feel I could have been pulled firmly into this tale better at the outset if it had instead started out with the line: It could have been worse, I told myself as I made my way over the icy sidewalks. Then pepper the action of the scene with the needed details and we are all on our way, instead of stuck on pause, waiting for the scene to form and begin through narration.

Two other suggestions. One: I might change the boyfriend’s name from Jimmy to something different, since I found myself stumbling over the Jimmi-Jimmy reference. Also, I thought that the character was a bit too self-aware when she said: “The world was full of boys and men, but I only longed for a boy who wasn’t even a friend anymore and a father who was almost never home.” Part of the fun of a novel is that the characters (like real people) aren’t so self-aware and through the course of the novel we, and they, start to learn how they really tick and why. I personally think it’s more intriguing to have the story and the character nibble around the edges of these sorts of facts.

But overall, a solid start.

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Middle Grade novel: THE WOUNDED BOOK by Laurel Decher

In the year of our Lord 1006, on the eve of Ascension Day, the morning star rose over Arezzo, and Bella jumped from her window into the back of the woolman’s cart. The driver glanced over his shoulder.

Had he seen her?

He crossed himself, scolded his donkey, and drove a bit faster.

Bella wriggled herself in between two firm sacks of wool, and pulled her knees up to her chin. It had been easy enough to leap out the window of Uncle’s house. Had Papa passed as easily through heaven’s gate? Bella hoped so.

A tuft of wool tickled her nose and she sneezed. She held her breath. If the driver threw her off, how could she get to the market and back before the bells rang for Terce, so that Uncle did not notice her absence?

The cart slowed. Bella still did not dare to breathe. The cart stopped. She pressed her hands over her mouth and nose, praying that she would not be discovered. The driver called out. The cart turned the corner and rumbled on.

The rush of Bella’s pent-up breath set wool puffs dancing. She caught them, rolled them into balls, and pelted the woolsacks, singing under her breath. The third time through the Agnus Dei—backwards and a bit louder—she laughed.

“Do all you woolsacks think I am singing to you? Does every lamb think it is the Lamb of God? Come, I will sing you a psalm.”

Bella crooned three verses and stopped on the Paths of Righteousness, well before the Valley of Death. She laid her cheek against a rough sack.

HERE’S MARIE’S THOUGHTS: 

THE WOUNDED BOOK

First of all, LOVE the title. How cool is that? And this story starts off fun too, raising good story questions. Why is she jumping out her window?

Who wouldn’t want an answer to that?

Some things could use tightening and clarifying here. Like – was the cart moving when she jumped into it? I had no idea and was a little thrown when I read “drove a bit faster.” Another thing that confused me was how at first she was so afraid to be discovered that she “did not dare to breathe,” but then she’s singing under her breath, then laughing, then talking, then crooning. What happened? No cone of silence here, right?

There are a number of sentences that start with “She,” so the writer could vary her sentence structure a bit more. And at one point the character spells out the stakes: “If the driver threw her off, how could she get to the market and back before the bells rang Terce, so that Uncle did not notice her absence?” I think this info could be conveyed a bit more artfully by pulling away from telling and putting the thought more into the scene and keeping the reader more engaged. Something like: If the driver threw her off now and she were late getting back… She shivered imagining her Uncle, his face red with fury, his hand raised in anger.

Intriguing start.

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When Storms Surge in August by Lauren Rizzuto

In August, the heat always arrived before the sun did. It didn’t mind that the sky was still dark; the light would get there soon enough. Meanwhile, the heat was content to settle in, unannounced, easing into the streets and lawns and sidewalks, all the way up to the doors and windows of the houses. It didn’t knock because–well, it didn’t need to. Like a too-early guest, the heat just made its heavy self at home before anyone was prepared to wake up and greet it properly.

Inside the house at 39 Thornton Drive, an eight-year-old Ernestine Deveraux kicked off the covers to the double bed she shared with her little sister, Sarah. Her oversized tshirt stuck to her skin with sweat, bunching around her middle. Yanking it down, she flipped over onto her side and ferreted about the pillow with her cheek, trying to find a cool spot, but the cloth was too warm to be comfortable anymore. The clock on her nightstand read 5:56 a.m. Sighing, she turned onto her back and stared pointedly at the ceiling. She might as well get up. It wouldn’t do to be late on the first day of school.

Next to her, Sarah grunted sleepily. “You awake?” Ernie asked. No reply. Sarah never seemed to have as much trouble sleeping in the hot little room. Carefully, Ernie brushed her sister’s hair back from her damp forehead, with intentions as tender as they were curious. It looked like that birthmark was getting even weirder looking. Unfortunate.

“You can sleep for a little while longer,” Ernie whispered. Sarah continued playing possum, and so, being older and bigger, Ernie felt compelled to shove her, just a little, as she inched her way out of the bed and walked to the window. If she squinted, she could just make out the plump figure of Mrs. Demares, who was similarly standing and watching from inside her dark house, blowing cigarette smoke through her screen door.

HERE ARE MARIE’S THOUGHTS: 

WHEN STORMS SURGE IN AUGUST

This first page, while clearly written and showing touches of the lyrical, is slow on the start. We writers often tend to write ourselves into a scene. Zooming from a large shot (the weather, the landscape), into a room (entering the house), focusing on a still unnamed child (an eight-year-old), and starting at the moment of the day beginning, but not, really, the beginning of the true story. I’m a writer too, and I’ve done this myself – and in very nearly the same form – on a middle grade manuscript I wrote early in my career.

Here’s what I found out through my own writing: most, if not all of this lead-in stuff can be cut.

Chances are good that this story will start cooking for real on page two or even further along. It’s always great to start right there with the character, and right at the inciting incident, or as close to it as the writer can begin. That doesn’t mean there won’t be room to add details about the heat or the neighborhood as the story moves along, but with tightening up the story the reader won’t have to wonder what is new or interesting here.

Imagine how potent this start would be if it instead started with something revealing and active like your heroine tugging her sister down the street, telling her, “Come on. You know what’ll happen if we’re late.” Then we are hearing her voice, we are in motion, we sense tension, we have questions we want answered. We turn the page.

In this sample, an intriguing detail involves that birthmark. I’m guessing it’s significant. Is this some paranormal sort of mark? A hint of illness? Something that will lead to teasing? Right now I have no idea, but it does add a question mark in my mind, which is always good. The title and the word choices hint at literary, but aren’t firmly in that genre either, so I’m not sure what sort of journey is being promised. You DO want the reader to have a sense of that.

One other thing to note: I’m assuming this is a middle grade novel. If so, the 8-year-old main character is very young. While middle grade is aimed at the 8-12 year old reader, kids typically want to read books about kids who are older than they are. So, by setting your character at age 8, you are cutting off a decent share of this market and editors must be very mindful of who will be reading this book – and if it will be profitable. That’s why you’ll find 7- and 8-year-old heroes starring more in chapter books and easy readers. If this is, indeed, a middle grade novel, then do consider making your main character older. Just something important to keep in mind.

Talk tomorrow,

Kathy

CALL For: May/June Illustrations – 500 pixels wide

I want to thank Jenna Porcius from Bloomsbury for sharing her expertise and donating her time to help all of us.

Below are the results for the four first pages critiqued by editor Jenna Porcius from Bloomsbury.

Next Friday May 16th Agent Marie Lamba from Jennifer DeChiara Literary Agency will critique 4 first pages.

QUINLAN LEE, Agent, Adams Literary  will end MAY with her four critiques posted on May 30th. Deadline to submit: May 22nd.

Here are the Results:

Carolyn Clark, MG Fantasy: MISSION TO THE SKY: THE ODIN EXPEDITION

Tiny Mitchell of 18 Hummingbird Lane was the only one in her family with any sense of magic and wonder. Her parents were scientists, and they only believed in things they could see, touch, and count.

No matter how much they insisted magic didn’t exist, Tiny knew they were wrong. She knew that her great-great-great grandmother Petunia Wilson put spells on people and animals to make them behave. Once, she even worked for the President of the United States and helped him catch thieves trying to steal all the gold in Ft. Knox. Tiny admired her great-great-great grandmother and wanted to be just like her, maybe even help the President. She just didn’t know how to go about it.

Tiny’s older brother, Jamie, didn’t believe in magic either, although he did believe he ran the universe, especially her small corner of it. She knew that wasn’t true either, despite the fact he kept trying to prove he did.

“Okay, shrimp, where do you think you’re going?” Jeans full of holes and covered with ballpoint pen drawings of everything from cars to trees and flowers, Jamie stood in the front doorway, sneakered feet ready to pounce. He grabbed for her arm, but missed when she ducked around him.

Being fast and small helped Tiny a lot in the big brother department.” None of your beeswax where I’m going, toad breath, and my name’s Tiny.” Well, her name wasn’t really Tiny. Her parents named her Theresa, but Tiny suited her just fine.
She raced down the steps, jumped on her bike, and pedaled as fast as her legs could go, because she knew Jamie didn’t give up that easily. And, she was right. Paper clips bounced off the thick rubber band in his fingers and whirred around her head, but she couldn’t let them stop her.

HERE IS JENNA’s Comment for MISSION TO THE SKY:

I love the idea of this little girl who believes in magic even though no one else does—it’s a sweet notion that feels perfect for young middle grade. I also really like the family element, and the mention of her great-great-great grandmother has me curious to find out more about the nature of this family magic. But the introduction of her brother and their fighting shifts the focus a bit in a way that is not quite as engaging. I’d love to see more focus on Tiny in these first pages to help set up the plot and give the reader a better sense of where the story is going.

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The Edge, By Angela Larson – Middle Grade

“…Our final announcement this Monday morning comes from Mr. Bennett. All science fair forms are due today by noon. A reminder to all scientists: There is a strict ban on explosive demonstrations this year.” My face grows so hot I’m sure I’m turning red. The announcer didn’t need to say, “We’re talking to you Felix Mathew,” for the whole school knows those last few words are aimed at me. We all just know it. You’d think that they’d be over it — that I’d be over it –I mean, it’s been a year already. Come on, my right eyebrow grew back three months ago.

I should probably tell you what happened. Last year, specifically, on the one day a year that the athletic teams of Einstein Scientific Junior Academy give up their precious gym for the school science fair I, Felix Mathews, rocketed a potato across the gym at 236 miles per hour. I imagined it would be one of those awesome moments where everyone would stop and be wowed by my brilliance. I was even prepared. I had practiced outside once before the fair.

It was a stunning moment at the fair last year. Everyone was stopped by my demonstration. It was just the screams that I hadn’t expected.

My launch pad was stable and strong, my practice run went well, and my confidence was high. But a small nudge by one of the judges a split-second before lift off changed the projectile. With a loud bang, the potato shot out its adjusted path at stunning speed and completely destroyed the gymnasium’s scoreboard. While everyone else watched the scoreboard shatter and fall, I smacked my right eyebrow, extinguishing the flaming hairs lit by the launch.

After the shower of plexiglass stopped, the judges showed no interest in my poster explaining combustion theory. I had labored over it for hours. And standing alone with my poster, at rocket speed I was hit with the certainty that I wasn’t going to be invited to the Monday morning school assembly to show off my prize-winning demonstration. Another attempt at greatness dashed – by just one potato.

HERE IS JENNA’S Comment for THE EDGE:

I really like the classic boy middle-grade humor here, and I laughed out loud when I read “Come on, my right eyebrow grew back three months ago.” But I do think the opener would be stronger if it didn’t lead with the announcement. Situating Felix in the school first (maybe he’s walking to class, sitting at his desk, etc. doing something characteristically Felix) and then bringing in the announcement, for example, could help with pacing and build. Also, there’s some repetition here of information about the fair and what happened last year, so tightening that up will help make sure that the story is packing a tight, funny punch.

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THE RIGHT STUFFING by Margo Sorenson - Picture Book

Jared picked up Carrots and his baseball glove.

Jared’s big sister Sarah frowned. “Don’t take that old stuffed bunny outside,” she said. “Aren’t you too old for him, anyway?”

Jared whisked Carrots out the door quick as a bunny.

“Good catch, Carrots!” he shouted.

Next, it was time to go to the grocery store. Jared sneaked Carrots into his car seat in the car.

“You shouldn’t bring that old stuffed bunny inside,” Sarah scolded. “Ick!”

But Jared raced up and down the aisles with Carrots tucked safely under his arm.

He stopped in front of the vegetables bin. “Look, Carrots!” he said, pointing. “There’s your name!”

At dinner, Jared squeezed Carrots next to him in his booster seat at the table.

“You’re not bringing that old stuffed bunny to dinner again, are you?” asked Sarah. “If you really have to have a bunny around, I’m going to tell Mom and Dad to get you a nice, new one.”

Jared scrunched Carrots down behind him. Only Carrots’ ears stuck up.

“Lettuce decide what dressing you want,” Jared whispered.

Next, Jared got in his pajamas, grabbing Carrots’ paw.

Sarah sighed, “You can’t take that old, dirty bunny to bed! Oh, my gosh. You’re too old for this bunny stuff.”

Jared snuggled Carrots under the covers next to him.

HERE IS JENNA’S comment for THE RIGHT STUFFING:

Myself and my stuffed animal dog, Doggy (who I’ve had since I was three) thank this author for understanding the importance of the child-stuffed animal relationship. J In all seriousness, though, this is definitely something kids and parents can relate to, and Jared and Carrots are an adorable pair. But the action here feels rushed, and the arc not fully fleshed out. I’d love to get to know Jared and Carrots a little more, and it’d be great to see them have a moment where they do something that gets them a positive response from the people around them to make the story a little more dynamic.

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Eye on the Fly by Shiela Fuller  -  Picture Book

Bentley spied the fly.

It was on the screen door as Mom left the house.

The fly took off.

Bituzz…bituzzzz.

Bentley had his eye on the fly.

It landed on the rocking chair.

Bentley jumped.

The fly took flight.

Bituzz…bituzzzz.

Bentley kept his eye on the fly.

It landed on the trash can.

Bentley pounced.

Off went the fly.

Bituzz…bituzzzz.

Bentley saw the fly.

It landed on the blueberry pie.

Bentley darted.

Away went the fly.

Bituzz…bituzzzz.

Bentley had his eye on the fly

HERE IS JENNA’S comments for EYE ON THE FLY:

I think this is a creative idea, but the repetition is making it hard for me to get into the story. I’m not sure where the story’s going, and more importantly I’m not sure why I should care about Bentley and this fly. Widening the focus beyond following the fly—maybe establishing why Bentley is so focused on following the fly, for example—could help to develop the story.

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Here are the submission guidelines for submitting a First Page in May: Please “May First Page Critique” or “May First Page Picture Prompt Critique” in the subject line. Please make sure you include your name, the title of the piece, and whether it is as picture book, middle grade, or young adult, etc. at the top.

Attach your first page submission using one inch margins and 12 point font – double spaced, no more than 23 lines to an e-mail and send it to: kathy(dot)temean(at)gmail(dot)com. Also cut and paste it into the body of the e-mail and then also attach it in a Word document to the email.

DEADLINE: May 22nd.

RESULTS: May 30th.

Use inch margins – double space your text – 12 pt. New Times Roman font – no more than 23 lines – paste into body of the email and attach.

Talk tomorrow,

Kathy

CALL For: Mother’s Day and May Illustrations- 500 pixels wide

Below are the results for the four first pages critiqued by agent Samantha Bremekamp from Corvisiero Literary Agency for April.

1. Next Friday on May 9th, editor Jenna Porcius from Bloomsbury will critique 4 more.
2. On May 16th Agent Marie Lamba from Jennifer DeChiara Literary Agency will critique 4 more. You have until May 8th to submit a first page for Marie. Her critiques will post on May 16th.
3. QUINLAN LEE, Agent, Adams Literary GUEST CRITIQUER will end MAY 2014 with her four critiques posted on May 30th. Deadline to submit: May 22nd.

Here’s the Results:

HALF A HAND SHORT by Johanna Bilbo (young YA)  

Chapter One — What Royalty Wants

He was my joy; he was my mission. When my yearling colt, Pippin, made a clean, high leap over his gate, he landed in a year of trouble for both of us. For the sake of my father, and to spite our king, I had to find us a way out.

I’d whistled for Pip from the lane beside his field. He raced to greet me, jumping wide across a tumbling brook. His dappled coppery coat gleamed in the late spring sun; his red-gold tail streamed like the banner of a king riding into battle. Yesterday, he’d slowed to a stop and pranced, feathery mane tossing as he waited for me to let myself through the gate. This time, he sailed over it with room to spare, and trotted down the lane to meet me.

My stepfather screeched. “Gillian, get that devilish animal out of here.”

“Impressive,” another voice said. “Your dowry, Gillian? I would stake gold on that leap.”

Those were the two men who wished to control my fate, just as a decree by our king would decide the fate of my horse. Or so they thought—but not if I could help it!

This was the second time I’d given my heart to a horse or pony. The Lady Elizabeth had taken my first love, Cinder, when I was twelve. Now, two years later, I would not let my Pippin be subject to the whims of her father, King Henry the Eighth of England.

I, Gillian, was the daughter of Sir William Goodway, a knight who’d been in the service of King Henry. Father was as good a horseman as his monarch; I, his only child, had been sure of myself in the saddle for as long as I could remember.

On a clear September day two years before Pippin’s fateful leap, I was being considered as a companion to Lady Elizabeth, Henry’s younger daughter. I had trotted across the grounds of an old palace on my childhood pony, Cinder. He was a fine gray gelding, and I adored him. I did not then suspect that royal whims about horses would knock my life a-kilter.

Samantha Bremekamp First Page Thoughts on Half a Hand Short:

The author uses beautiful descriptors for the horse Pippin who is easy to cherish as the main character does on introduction. The people on this first page are hard to picture as all the descriptors went to Pippin. I would love to see that use of details on what the two men who control Gillian’s fate look like as well since they play such a key role to Gillian as well as the plot of this book. If Gillian recognizes both voices, she wouldn’t need to have “another voice said” but should identify who it is so the reader knows also. The author created a strong voice in Gillian easily identifiable and someone the reader can root for as long as the main character continues to share all of the details she already knows with the reader. There is a good market for lovers of horses although it is younger than Young Adult, I see that it says, young Young Adult and I would consider working this for younger readers perhaps middle grade or tween/teen… Clearly it is a bit hard to judge on the entirety of a book based off of one page, but marketing wise for horses this is my suggestion.

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  Carol MacAllister/ Never Trust A Monkey /First Page

On the sunny island of Puerto Rico, a tall thin tree grew in the old man’s yard. A big ripe papaya hung at the very top. He spied its bright orange color.

“Um… My favorite fruit. I wonder if Grandmother will make some tasty papaya juice?”

“Just bring me the fruit,” she said.

From his home in the tall grass, a trickster monkey also spied the colorful papaya. “Um. My favorite flavor.” How can I pick it, he wondered. When I run into the old man’s yard, he chases me away with a stick.

The monkey watched the old man stretch up. He stood on his tippy-toes, but the fruit was still out of reach. He jumped as high as an old man could possibly jump. But it wasn’t high enough.

“Hm,” he sighed. “I can shake the tree and make it fall. But if I don’t catch the fruit just right, it will hit the ground and smash apart.” He thought for a moment. “Ah. I can use my ladder.”

He carried it across the yard. He leaned the ladder against the tree’s wobbly trunk and climbed up two steps. The ladder tilted sideways. The tree shook. His feet slipped from the rungs and he bumped his knee. The round fruit swayed.

“Oh, no!” he called up to the papaya. “Don’t fall.”

The monkey laughed. “I can easily climb his tree and pick the tasty fruit.” He swaggered over. “Why do you sit there like a bundle of sugar cane?”

“I fell off my ladder trying to pick that papaya. But the fruit is much too high.”

“Well,” the sly monkey said, “I can climb your tree and bring it to you.”

The old man’s face brightened at the monkey’s offer. “But what do you want in return?”

The trickster tapped a finger against his bristly chin and grinned. “I only want a small piece. Just a tiny one. Nothing more.”

Samantha Bremekamp First Page Thoughts: Never Trust a Monkey

Who doesn’t love a mischievous monkey? If this is a picture book, which I think it is and rightfully so, the author would be able to let more of the art show rather than tell with words, an example would be the monkey thinking about being chased away by the old man waving his stick. In the beginning the use of the word/sound “um” would be better exemplified with the word “mmm” which is what I believe the idea is. “Um” is often used to portray a teen who uses “um” while coming up with an excuse for why they didn’t, um, do their assignment. The “mmm” sets the tone for the monkey and the old man both wanting that delicious fruit. I already feel bad for the old man as I know how sneaky monkeys can be when it comes to fruit! I hope they become friends and share it equally and that the lesson is learned.

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SHEARLOCK HOLMES AND THE CASE OF THE BARNYARD BANDIT by Kirsten Bock – PB

Detective Shearlock Holmes was TOOT-TOOT-TOOTING his tuba when the phone rang at 221 Bleater Street.

“Come to Farmer Doyle’s stables right away!”

Shearlock and his assistant Woolston hurried to the farm.

[ART: Dialogue bubbles of horses shouting: “Someone made off with our manes!” “I didn’t need a haircut!” “My neck is nippy!”]

“It seems we have a barnyard bandit on our hooves,” said Shearlock, examining the horses’ hacked hair.

“Sir,” said Woolston. “A clue.”

“That’s a polar bear hair,” cried Shearlock.

The horses rolled their eyes.

“I think that’s sheep’s wool,” whispered Woolston.

Shearlock didn’t hear. He was pointing his magnifying glass at a mound of mucky mud.

Woolston urged him on to the sheep pen.

[ART: Dialogue bubbles of sheep shouting: “Someone fled with our fleece!” “My beautiful wool coat!” “I’m freezing my lamb chops off!”]

“The barnyard bandit strikes again,” said Shearlock, inspecting the sheep’s short shave.

“Sir,” said Woolston. “Another clue.”

“Penguin feathers,” cried Shearlock.

The sheep shook their heads.

“I think those are chicken feathers,” whispered Woolston.

Shearlock didn’t hear. He was poking in the dirt with a tiny toothpick.

Woolston nudged him towards the chicken coop.

Samantha Bremekamp First Page Thoughts: Shearlock Holmes…:

I am a huge fan of Sherlock Holmes and have been since I learned how to read. This is a very cute adaptation of the famous Sherlock and Watson entering the scene to solve the case. Animals are always a successful market for children; it is a sweet introduction for them to learn about the great detective and his partner. In my understanding of this first page, Woolston second guesses everything Shearlock points out. In the real Sherlock stories and all of those adaptations Sherlock is never wrong. If the author is portraying Woolston to be a goof and not liking to be undermined by Shearlock that could work, but if Woolston is right and Shearlock is always wrong than the dynamic doesn’t quite work based on the famous and well-known Sherlock Holmes and Watson dynamic, unless this is the one time that Watson/Woolston finally outsmarts Sherlock/Shearlock. Depending on the outcome of the story it could be a hard sell as the brand of Sherlock has been around for so long. Children will enjoy the silliness of the thrill of the chase of the barnyard bandits while collecting clues with the main characters.

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Willa’s Flying Stars / Picture Book /Jennifer Reinharz

The week the carnival came to town, Willa and her family camped out to count shooting stars. It was her favorite summer tradition.

“Tonight starts the Perseid meteor shower,” said Grandma.

“Per-see-id,” Willa said. “This year I’m big enough to stay awake all night.”

Grandma smiled. “Do you have your blanket and binoculars?”

She reached into her tool belt.

“Check.”

“Popcorn and pillows?”

“Check,” Willa said again. “Now I’m ready to watch the stars fly like fireworks!”

            Zoom. Flash. {Illus note: A shooting star flies overhead}

“One!” Willa squealed. “They go fast.”

            Zoom. Flash.

“Two! Look how high!”

            Zoom. Flash.

“Three! I want to fly with the Perseid stars!”

“I’m sure you’ll think of something,” Grandma said.

Willa spent the whole night thinking of something. The next morning, she tightened her tool belt and opened the big closet.

“I need to go fast,” she said.

Willa pulled the clothes off the hangers, and the hangers off the rod; except for one. She wrapped her hands around it like a steering wheel.

“Fly-EEE” she sang.

Samantha Bremekamp First Page Thoughts on Willa’s Flying Stars:

I love stories that include a child with their grandmother experiencing something out of the ordinary. This is a very sweet storyline. I always enjoy books that encourage children to use their imagination and that anything is possible. The author was able to easily bring the reader into the life of Willa bringing a bit of information like how to say Perseid without it reading like a homework assignment. The joy of children’s books is the gift of the author being able to teach without preaching with the use of few words that meld together with a solid plot-scape achieved by picture. I think the reader would be excited to see what Willa comes up with to fly with the stars using her imagination and a hanger from her closet!

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Here are the submission guidelines for submitting a First Page in May: Please “May First Page Critique” or “May First Page Picture Prompt Critique” in the subject line. Please make sure you include your name, the title of the piece, and whether it is as picture book, middle grade, or young adult, etc. at the top.

Please attach your first page submission using one inch margins and 12 point font – double spaced, no more than 23 lines to an e-mail and send it to: kathy(dot)temean(at)gmail(dot)com. Also cut and paste it into the body of the e-mail and then also attach it in a Word document to the email.

DEADLINE: May 22nd.

RESULTS: May 30th.

Use inch margins – double space your text – 12 pt. New Times Roman font – no more than 23 lines – paste into body of the email.

Talk tomorrow,

Kathy

CALL FOR ILLUSTRATIONS: Only one illustrator sent in something for March. Surely you have something to show off, so please look to see if you have an illustration that would go well with the month or any illustration that might go with a writing or illustrating post. Same as always: At least 500 pixels wide, sent to kathy (dot) temean (at) gmail (dot) com, and include a blurb about you. Thanks!

I am pleased to announce that Susan Dobinick, Assistant Editor at Farrar, Straus and Giroux has agreed to be our Guest Critiquer for March.

Susan wants to work on everything. Right now she is especially looking for funny middle grade girl novels. In the young adult realm, I’d like to see books that tackle big social issues but aren’t preachy. With picture books, I like short and funny; I prefer quirky stories over cuddly. Across all formats, I’m a fan of books that have depth but are accessible—so that both kids and critics will love them.

Susan assists two children’s trade imprints. She works with fiction and nonfiction, ranging from picture to young adult books. Her specialties include children’s trade publishing, picture books, chapter books, middle-grade books, young adult books, educational publishing, textbooks, and teacher editions. She holds a B.A. in English from Chicago Goucher College.

Susan is Edith Cohn’s editor for Spirits Key, which is coming out in September. Edith has a nice interview with Susan on her blog. Here is the link:

http://edithcohn.wordpress.com/interviews/interview-with-my-editor/

Here are the submission guidelines for submitting a First Page in March: Please attach your double spaced, 12 point font, 23 line first page to an e-mail and send it to: kathy(dot)temean(at)gmail(dot)com. Also cut and paste it into the body of the e-mail.

DEADLINE: March 21st.

RESULTS: March 28th.

Put “March First Page Critique” or “March First Page Picture Prompt Critique” in the subject line. Make sure you have your name on the submission, a title, and indicate the genre.

You can only send in one first page each month. It can be the same first page each month or a different one, but if you sent it to me last month and it didn’t get chosen, you need to send it again using the March directions. Of course, it doesn’t have to be the same submission. It can be a first page from a work in process or you can use the picture prompt above.

Please include your name, the title of the piece, and whether it is as picture book, middle grade, or young adult, etc. at the top.

BELOW IS THE MARCH FIRST PAGE PICTURE PROMPT for anyone who would like a little inspiration to spark their first page.

Always thought there was a story with this picture illustrated by Mark Meyers. Mark spends his days drawing and painting pictures filled with kids, escaping circus monkeys, and everything in between. He was featured on Illustrator Saturday. Here is the link: http://kathytemean.wordpress.com/2013/10/05/illustrator-saturday-mark-meyers/

Talk tomorrow,

Kathy

This giraffe fashionista was sent in by Katia Bulbenko. Katia is an artist, illustrator and art teacher living and working near New York City, on the Jersey side of the Hudson. A member of the SCBWI, her work was recently selected for the New Jersey Library Association’s Books for Kids poster. Congratulations! Katia!

Big Red and Wolfie (PB) by Bev Baird Langill

“Look at those nice juicy pigs. Won’t granny be happy.”

Turning around, Red screeched when she saw Wolfie glaring at her.

“Why are you spying on me?”

“I’m not! I caught you spying on our new neighbours.”

“Just checking them out.”

“Not for a meal, I hope?”

“Of course not!”

Red left quickly and  ran home, arriving there, huffing and puffing.

“Granny, we’ve got new neighbours – three plump, juicy pigs.”

“Wonderful. What I wouldn’t give for a nice roast of pork.”

“Yum!”

“We need to meet them. I want you to take over some nice treats. That will fatten them up even

more.”

“What a great idea Granny. I’ll go over now.”

Granny packed a basket with cakes and cookies, while Red put on her cloak. She had a bit of

trouble doing it up around her neck.

Here is what Allison had to say:

BIG RED AND WOLFIE by Bev Baird Langill

The idea of combining the “Little Red Riding Hood” and “Three Little Pigs tales here was interesting. That said, given the storyline wasn’t straightforward, I thought it could use a few more lines to set the scene, before jumping into the dialogue.  At times it wasn’t immediately clear who was talking, so I might also suggest using attribution, if even just selectively.  Or, if the story is meant to communicate some of its humor visually, I would suggest including art notes.  In some ways, this felt like the middle of a story.  I could make assumptions about Granny, Wolfie, and Red based on what they said, but I wasn’t feeling as invested as I could be.

There are a number of fairy tale-inspired picture books out in the market, so for us to consider one, it needs to be spot-on  – and stand out from the crowd in a really dynamic, specific way.  In this case, unfortunately, I would probably choose not to move forward.

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Rule Breaker  – a Middle Grade Novella By Angela Larson and Zander Mowat

The book made this sound a lot easier. I’m in the hall that leads to the cafeteria, leaning on a bent knee and peering around the corner with a mirror in my hand.  This is surveillance, Chapter One of Detective Derk’s Spy Manual for the Disgruntled. I’ve been on surveillance all week. It’s Friday. My hand is going numb while I wait. I’m debating if it’s worth skipping lunch again, when my target, my jerk brother Roger Adams, turns the corner.

He strolls down the hall in his ‘too important to walk any faster’ mode and pulls a coin from his pocket.   By the time he gets to the vending machine my arm starts to shake. I’m concentrating hard to keep the mirror focused on him.

He puts a quarter in the machine, presses a button and I hear the candy fall to the door. This is crazy – I know he doesn’t have any money.  Then I see the trick.  I blink.  Is this for real?

He pulls a string – its tied to the quarter!

A second later, he’s pulled the quarter up and out, has the stolen snack in his hand, and he is about to walk away.

My body jolts to fast-forward as I turn the corner and launch at him. “That’s not very cool – Stealing from the school!”  Not waiting for an answer, I snatch the coin on the string out of his hand.

“Dude, take a chill pill, before your head explodes,” says Roger as he rolls his eyes.  This is part of Roger’s classic cosmic-cool act.  He goes around saying all these…

Here is what Allison had to say:

RULE BREAKER by Angela Larson and Zander Mowat

I thought this was a great first line.  It grabbed me immediately, and told me a lot about the situation and character in just a few words.  I didn’t mind jumping into the middle of a scene because each line told me something interesting and important – how the character looks, how he fits into his environment, and what his goal is.  I wanted to know why he was following “the target,” and what made him look to a book for advice.  I might even suggest extending his watch, and not revealing who the target is just yet, to maintain suspense for a few more paragraphs.  In any case, I would definitely keep reading.

That said, a few things in the following paragraphs struck me as outdated, in a way, and I found that a little distracting.  Are any vending machines still only a quarter?  Do kids still say “take a chill pill”?  These wouldn’t have stopped me from reading, because I was taken by the plot, but they took me out of the story momentarily, so I might suggest rethinking them.  On a similar note, the specific phrasing coming from the main character – especially his exclamation about stealing from the school (and the fact that that line rhymes, almost like a slogan), made him seem less like a cool spy and more like an annoying little brother.  And if he is, so be it!  But if that’s not one of his main traits as a character, I might similarly rework that line.

Overall, minor quibbles aside, I would be interested in seeing where this story was going.

(Side note – I wasn’t familiar with the category of “middle grade novella.”  There is certainly a range, from chapter books up to more complex MG, but I haven’t heard of something in MG being described as a novella, so I wasn’t quite sure what to expect.)

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Sarah Phillips Pellet – THE KITCHEN TROLL – Middle Grade 

            Stephen didn’t brush his teeth in the morning. It was about all he could do to get out of bed, pull on his jeans and sweatshirt, eat breakfast, grab his backpack, and walk to school. Who had time to brush their teeth?

The problem was though, Stephen didn’t find the time to do other little things he should’ve been doing, too. Things like weeding the garden, taking out the trash, and sorting the recyclables, they got in the way of the time he liked to spend playing basketball with his friends or drawing in the garden shed where nobody would disturb him. Or find out that he liked to draw.

Stephen didn’t give these things too much thought in the morning. He didn’t think much of anything apart from moving his spoon to his mouth to take a bite of cereal. Th-wap! His father slammed his sketch pad onto the kitchen table. Little bits of dirt scuttled out from its pages and flew across the table as if they knew was what coming next and wanted to get out of the way. The pencil slid out of its spiral cage and rolled onto the floor. Two giant hands came crashing down onto the table with such force that Stephen’s spoon jumped out of his cereal bowl and catapulted soggy Cheerios onto his lap.

“What is this?” his father demanded, his lip curled in a snarl.

Stephen blinked several times. “I dunno,” he lied.

“Oh really?” said his father, flipping the sketch pad over to reveal a sign Stephen had penned which read, “NO TRESPASSING! Property of Stephen Dennison!!!” with each exclamation point drawn in 3-D:  one with diagonal stripes, another with polka dots, and the last one with lightning bolts.

Here is what Allison had to say:

THE KITCHEN TROLL

I liked this opening – it tells you what kind of kid Stephen is, and that this isn’t a one-off situation.  That said, my first question was, why does Stephen eat cereal, instead of an even quicker breakfast?  Sitting at the table and pouring cereal and milk sounds like it takes more effort than, say, eating a granola bar on the way out the door.  Just something to consider.

I enjoyed the imagery of the third paragraph, especially the line “Little bits of dirt scuttled out from its pages and flew across the table as if they knew was what coming next and wanted to get out of the way.”  Since this is a clever line, I might suggest simplifying the other sentences in that paragraph – otherwise, it’s easy to get a bit caught on up things like “spiral cage” and “catapulted soggy Cheerios,” and lose track of the story.

The “No Trespassing” sign seemed to make the sketchpad more noticeable than if Stephen had written something misleading like “Biology Homework” on it, so I wondered what his thought process was there.  I also found that his father’s anger about the artwork felt familiar – it’s a storyline I’ve read before.  I wanted to know more about why, in Stephen’s particular situation, it would be bad if people knew he liked to draw – and how deep his passion for drawing is.  I might suggest having his dad discover a very particular piece of artwork that conveys more of the story (is this where the kitchen troll from the title comes in?).  There also seems to be a disconnect between this scene and the opening describing Stephen, so I would want to know how he caused this situation to happen (did he accidentally leave the sketchbook out?).

Overall, I would probably read a few more pages to find out if the questions above were answered, but would need another hook to keep me interested past that.

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OUT ON A LIMB Susan Detwiler, picture book

James Johnson Junior was out on a limb

It seems that his father was looking for him.

Rotten luck followed James right out of bed

First he stubbed his big toe, and then bumped his head

James spilled juice on the rug, stepped on the cat

When practicing swings, broke a plant with his bat.

The dog chewed his shoe, ran off with his sock

Their chase through the kitchen made furniture rock –

Knocked over sugar and spilled all the tea!

James escaped from the house to hide in a tree…

He scrambled up fast which made his foot slip

He looked down and saw that his pants had a rip.

What would he do? Dad must surely be mad!

The messes and mayhem made James seem so bad.

Would Dad be angry and make a loud roar?

Banish James to his room and then lock the door?

Here is what Allison had to say:

OUT ON A LIMB

Rhyming text in picture books is interesting – in the best cases, it can enhance the lyrical quality of the book, making it an incredibly fun read-aloud.  But in other cases, it can feel a little forced.  Unfortunately, the second one happens much more often when I’m reading submissions, so I always approach rhyming stories with a bit of apprehension.   Add to that the difficulty of translating text that rhymes, and you can see how we might have especially high standards when we consider acquiring this type of book!

In this case, I thought the rhyme was fun, but a few of the lines felt like a bit of a stretch – like they were rearranged to support the end rhyme, rather than the plot.  I also wondered in the emphasis was on the right words – in following the story (and picturing it illustrated), I wanted to highlight certain words or beats that were the most visual or meaningful – and those didn’t always match with the natural beat of the end rhyme.

I also found the plot to be a little bit quiet.  The story of a klutzy child – or one who can’t please his dad – isn’t new, so I was looking for other ways this story would stand out.  I found that I was remembering the sing-song quality more than certain aspects of the story, so wondered if this would be better served written without the rhyme.  I would need to read the rest to see if this could turn into a stand-out story, but I predict it might be a pass.

Thank you Allison for taking the time out of your busy schedule to share your expertise with us. If you sign up for the NJSCBWI Conference at the end of June you will get to meet Allison in person. Please leave a little note for Allison if you enjoyed the post and her comments. Thanks!

Talk tomorrow,

Kathy

CALL FOR ILLUSTRATIONS: Please remember to send in your illustrations for October. It is a great way to get seen and keep your name out there to get noticed. Send them to Kathy(dot)temean(at)gmail.com with October Illustrations in the subject area. Please submit .jpgs at least 500 pixels wide.

Emily Seife associate editor at Scholastic Press, has agreed to be our Guest Critiquer for October’s First Page winners. She works with award-winning authors such as Cynthia Lord, Philip Reeve, Daphne Benedis-Grab, James Proimos, and many others. She is an editor on the Infinity Ring multiplatform series, and is the author of The Hunger Games Tribute Guide. Emily is especially looking for: Young adult and middle grade fiction: stories with a strong voice and emotional core, contemporary humor, magical realism, mystery. She says she is not a good fit for: high fantasy, paranormal.

http://kathytemean.wordpress.com/2013/09/07/illustrator-saturday-kristi-valiant/

http://kathytemean.wordpress.com/2013/09/14/illustrator-saturday-hazel-mitchell-2/

Click this for the original link for Book and Agent John Cusick’s Interview.

If you didn’t win, check back on Sunday for a chance to get your hands on Cherry Money Baby.

Winners please send me your physical address, so your book can be sent to you.

You can still leave a comment for a chance to win the following books:

Click this link for Dianne Ochiltree’s Firefly Night. Winner announced on Sunday.

Click this link for Pink Cupcake Magic written by Katherine Tegan and illustrated and given away by Kristin Varner. Have to Dec. 1st to leave a comment on this link.

For writers who like using a picture prompt, you may use the above illustration by Shawna JC Tenney for inspiration. Shawna was featured on illustrator Saturday April 20th. http://kathytemean.wordpress.com/2013/04/20/illustrator-saturday-shawna-jc-tenney/

WRITERS Sending in a First Page: Please attach your double spaced, 12 point font, 23 line first page to an e-mail and send it to kathy(dot)temean(at)gmail(dot)com. Also cut and paste it into the body of the e-mail. Put “October First Page Critique” or “October First Page Picture Prompt Critique” in the subject line. Make sure you have your name on the submission, a title, and indicate the genre.

DEADLINE: October 24th

RESULTS POSTED: November 1st.

Talk tomorrow,

Kathy

CALL FOR ILLUSTRATIONS: Please remember to send in your illustrations for June. It is a great way to get seen and keep your name out there to get noticed. Send to Kathy.temean(at)gmail.com. Please submit .jpgs at least 500 pixels wide.

Anna Olswanger has agreed to be our Guest Critiquer for June’s First Page. For those who like the picture prompt, you will find it at the bottom of this post.

Anna Olswanger is a literary agent with Liza Dawson Associates in New York. Anna has been a literary agent since 2005 and has sold to Boyds Mills Press, Marshall Cavendish, Dutton, HarperCollins, McElderry, Pomegranate, and Random House Children’s Books, among other publishers. Specializing in: middle grade and young adult fiction and nonfiction, some adult fiction and nonfiction, children’s illustrated books, and Judaica.

Anna is particularly interested in working with author-illustrators.Anna enjoys discovering new authors and illustrators. She is looking for “voice,” the sound and rhythm of an author that could be no one else’s, and has a special interest in children’s picture books (author-illustrators only), adult nonfiction, Judaica, animal stories, and ghost stories. Contact her at [email protected].

In addition to being an agent, she is the author of the picture book Shlemiel Crooks, a Sydney Taylor Honor Book and a Koret International Jewish Book Award Finalist.

You may have attended some of her workshops, like Why Was My Manuscript Rejected? 3 Agents, 3 Opinions, with two other agents (see www.3LiteraryAgents.com). Writers in the Northeast may also know Anna, because she coorinated the Jewish Children’s Book Writers’ Conference at the 92nd Street Y for many years. In addition, she founded the website http://www.Host-a-Jewish-Book-Author.com

Anna’s own website is www.olswanger.com.

Submission Guidelines for Anna Olswanger:

I only accept email queries (no snail mail queries, please.)

Please insert (cut and paste) the first five pages of your manuscript into the body of your email. (I’m leery of opening attachments from addresses I don’t know.)

Queries to: [email protected]

June’s Picture Prompt illustration was created by Shawna JC Tenney. She was recently featured on Illustrators Saturday. http://kathytemean.wordpress.com/2013/04/20/illustrator-saturday-shawna-jc-tenney/

WRITERS Sending in a First Page: Please attach your double spaced, 12 point font, 23 line first page to an e-mail and send it to kathy(dot)temean(at)gmail(dot)com. Also cut and paste it into the body of the e-mail. Put “June First Page Critique” or “June First Page Picture Prompt Critique” in the subject line. Make sure you have your name on the submission, a title, and indicate the genre.

SUBMISSION DEADLINE: JUNE 17th .

The four chosen and their critiques will be posted on June 28th.

Talk tomorrow,

Kathy

KUDO’S:

BETH FERRY’s PIRATE’S PERFECT PET, in which a captain, who considers himself practically perfect in every way, decides that he’s just missing one thing — the perfect pet — and goes on a wild search to hunt that pet down, was sold to Mary Lee Donovan at Candlewick, by Elena Mechlin at Pippin Properties.

INDUSTRY NEWS:

Emily van Beek has been promoted senior vice president at Folio Jr., the children’s division of Folio Literary Management.

Joe Perez has joined the Random House Publishing Group as senior art director. Previously he was art director at Portfolio.

At Atheneum, Emma Ledbetter has been promoted to assistant editor.

Christina Pulles moves up to assistant editor at Simon & Schuster Children’s.

Congratulations everyone!

Remember that the deadline is May 22nd to submit a first page to win a critique with MELISSA FAULNER, Editorial Assistant, ABRAMS Books for Young Readers and Amulet.

Last week Melissa answered a few questions. Here they are, again:

1. This is the first time we have had someone from Abrams BFYR. Could you share what makes Abrams different from other publishers?

Abrams is a smaller, boutique publishing house, so we’re able to provide a level of personal attention to authors and illustrators that a lot of larger houses aren’t able to achieve. Because of our size, we don’t really have a “mid-list.” Abrams’ is also deeply rooted in design and art having begun as an art book publisher, so there is a strong visual sensibility to every book we publish.

2. Do the editors at Abrams work as a team or do they chose books independently?

While editors do acquire books individually, we very much work as a team on projects. We have weekly editorial meetings where we discuss potential acquisitions with the entire department before taking them to an acquisitions board meeting. It’s also not unusual for editors to ask other editors to read manuscripts or look over covers just to get a second opinion, or to bounce around ideas.

3. Does Abrams try to stick to a certain ratio or PB, MG, YA, Fiction, and non-fiction with each catalog?

We generally try to have as balanced a list as possible for each season (we have two a year). We’ve always had a very strong non-fiction publishing program in both our Books for Young Readers and Amulet imprints, which is really great since so many publishers are now looking to acquire more non-fiction.

4. What is the ratio of debut authors to published author on your list?

It’s generally a fairly even split, though some seasons it may weigh more heavily in one direction or the other. We’re equally enthusiastic about bringing new talent to Abrams as we are about developing and nurturing our house authors.

5. The industry has been changing quite rapidly, do you think the mid-list authors are finding it harder to stay on the list?

I think at a lot of larger houses, authors are finding that they have to be a stronger advocate for themselves. Most aspiring authors know it’s essential to have built a strong platform before their book has been acquired, but it’s also essential to maintain that engagement and build even after their book has published. It can be daunting, but today, authors are fortunate to have so many avenues of engagement to pursue.

May’s submission deadline will be May 22nd, due to the Memorial Day.

Below is this month’s picture prompt for those of you who like them. This illustration is by Maria Bogade. She was featured on Illustrator Saturday on Feb. 9th 2013 and I missed showing off this illustration. Thought it might provide some inspiration for a story. You do not have to use it. Feel free to submit a first page from a work in progress.

WRITERS Sending in a First Page: Please attach your double spaced, 12 point font, 23 line first page to an e-mail and send it to kathy(dot)temean(at)gmail(dot)com. Also cut and paste it into the body of the e-mail. Put “May First Page Critique” or “May First Page Picture Prompt Critique” in the subject line. Make sure you have your name on the submission, a title, and indicate the genre. Also let me know if you were able to post of facebook or Tweet. You will get your name in the basket for each time you comment, tweet, or mention on facebook, giving you a better chance of being picked. If you end up doing more things to get additional entries, then e-mail me a note by May 20th. The four chosen and their critiques will be posted on May 31st.

Call for illustrations for May: Thank you to everyone who sent in an illustration for April. There are a couple that I didn’t get up. I promise I will use them in the days to come.

You can send anything, but I am especially looking for illustrations that reflect the month. I hope you will send something for May. This is a good way to get your work seen. Don’t wait, I will post the illustrations as they come in. Please make sure the illustration is at least 500 pixels wide and include a blurb about yourself and a link to see more of your work. Please send it to kathy(dot)temean(at)gmail(dot)com and put “May Illustration” in the subject box.

Talk tomorrow,

Kathy

Elena Caravela’s Dancing bunnies helps us celebrate the results for April’s First Page Critique winners.

Elena is the illustrator of The Birds of the Harbor,  A Night of Tamales and Roses, and author/illustrator of Portrait of a Girl and Her Art.  You can see her process on Illustrator Saturday and find her work at www.elenacaravela.net www.elenacaravela.wordpress.com     www.portraitofagirlandherart.wordpress.com www.behance.net/elenacaravela       www.bluecanvas.com/elenacaravela

Here are the winning first page entries for April. Meredith said, “Hope these are helpful to the authors–all four of these first pages were very strong. I enjoyed them all!”

Half-Truths by Carol Baldwin – Young Adult Historical Fiction

Chapter 1: Lillie

Lillie hated the Dinsmore’s front door.

Standing on the sidewalk, she glared at the imposing entrance flanked by six white pillars. Even though she’d visited Big Momma at work a million times, she’d never once pushed the brass doorbell button, heard the musical chimes, or watched the elegant door swing open for her.

Not once.

No matter that she matched the color of the ivory pillars flanking that door, Lillie still couldn’t walk through it.

Thunder boomed and the gray clouds that had threatened all day opened up.  She raced around the house and came in the back door.  “Hey, Big Momma! How you doing?” she hugged her grandmother, who was taking cookies off a baking sheet.

“Girl, you gave me a fright!” Her grandmother shook her off. “You’re sopping wet! Go dry yourself and don’t you dare track no mud into this kitchen! I got me enough work without having to clean up after you now too!”

Lillie slipped a biology book out from under her jacket and laid it on the table. Good, it was still dry.

Big Momma eyed it and shook her head. “You know you is wasting your time studying that book. Ain’t no colored girl on earth ever gonna be a doctor.”

Lillie ignored Big Momma’s comment. In her grandmother’s mind, colored women were put into this world to serve white folks.

“When’s the company coming?”  Lillie put her tennis shoes by the backdoor and sniffed. The cinnamon smell of snicker doodles filled the kitchen.

Meredith Mundy’s Critique – Half-Truths

The author has managed to squeeze a great many important details into this first page—it’s easy to imagine the imposing front entrance of this grand house, and the feelings it might conjure in a young woman who is not allowed to enter except through the back door.

I’m interested in the fact that this book is labeled “Historical Fiction Young Adult.” Simply going by the first page, I would definitely have assumed that this character was much younger—perhaps belonging in a middle grade novel. The fact that she “hates” a front door and visits her grandmother immediately after school for hugs and snickerdoodles makes her seem quite young. If she is an older teen, we’ll need more immediate clues to help us see her more clearly. Her voice should be coming through right here on the first page.

Based on the title of the first chapter (“Lillie”), I am assuming—but I could be wrong—that the book’s narrative will switch off between different characters’ perspectives, and that each chapter title will let us know who is picking up the story. All the more reason to establish who Lillie is immediately so that the reader has a firm foundation for her before moving on to the next voice.

I like it that the conflict is established right away—Lillie is a young person who dreams of being a doctor at a time when that seems completely impossible—but I think the author will face quite a challenge in avoiding the predictability trap. I hope the character suffers some highly believable set-backs so that her road to success is not too smooth and easy to follow.

Also, there’s a somewhat fine line between authenticity and caricature, so the author has definitely set up a challenge for herself by giving Big Momma such a broad, Southern dialect. I’m no expert on dialect, but I think it would be well worth the author’s time to see how other authors have handled it. Does it need to be toned down? Fine-tuned?

In any case, I would definitely keep reading!

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“Kyte’s Revenge,” a YA novel by Connie Goldsmith

I feel it first on the back of my neck – that prickly, squirmy feeling you get when someone’s watching and you don’t know it. Sort of like insects crawling under your skin.

I turn off my iPod and look around. Pull out the earbuds and listen. No one.

Off in the distance, live oaks strung with Spanish moss punctuate the landscape. The air smells of flowers and the herbs that I’ve tugged from the earth.

I scan the trees. Still no one. Must be my imagination.

Thunder booms and rain clouds threaten to let loose, just like every summer afternoon in this part of Florida. The electricity in the air stirs my hair, sends it flying around my face. Time to go. Time to get back to Baba’s house and start dinner.

I brush the dirt from my hands and grab the basket of herbs I’ve gathered. Baba needs them for the tambor tonight: sweet herbs to attract good luck and love; bitter ones to ward off evil. At the last minute, I spot the curly leaves of the wild lettuce my turtle likes best and add a handful of them to the basket.

The world changes in an instant. Footsteps thud behind me, twigs snap beneath a heavy stride.

“Hey, Kyte! I been looking for you, babe.”

The boy’s voice cuts through the sticky afternoon air and slices into my spine. I spin around to face him. When I see who it is, the basket slips from my fingers and spills to the ground. Herbs and wild lettuce scatter at my feet.

It’s Cole. He wears a Confederate bandanna tied around his forehead to keep his long blond hair off his face. Like always. “What . . . what are you doing here?”

“Like I said, I’m looking for you.”

Meredith Mundy’s first page Critique for – Kyte’s Revenge

This first page is extremely descriptive, loaded with natural imagery and tangible details. The author has done a great job of establishing information about the main character and her setting by showing rather than telling. (Much harder than it looks!) The iPod clues us in that this is a contemporary story; we know it takes place in Florida in the summer; someone close to the main character practices some kind of magic; and Cole, who is set up as the antagonist, is very likely one scary dude.

Kyte is already an intriguing character on the page—smart, intuitive, observant, able to spot the specific type of plant her turtle likes to eat with a quick side glance. Already we can see that she will be a resourceful and generous character, but clearly all is not well in her world. The title sets us up for something dramatic and dark, as does her tense interaction with Cole. The contrast between Cole’s casual tone and Kyte’s frightened reaction is striking. He feels free to call her “babe,” but clearly she is far from comfortable with him and therefore his loose, jocular tone is jarring. There’s no way to tell at this point what the tension between these two is all about, but by introducing Kyte’s obvious fear of him so early in the story, an unsettling dynamic is nicely established. I’m curious to know how old the characters are. Kyte hears a “boy’s voice,” but Cole feels older, more threatening than a young boy. Especially since his voice is capable of “slicing” through Kyte’s spine!

I wonder if the line “The world changes in an instant” might be too dramatic. Clearly Kyte is startled, but has the world really changed?

And I would take another look at the first lines. I like the ominous tone that is established from the outset, but the “insects crawling under your skin” verges on cliché. The idea is great in these first lines, but it would be an interesting exercise to rewrite them twenty different ways and see what starts to emerge. An even stronger, sharper ignition point may strike the author.

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LEFT OUT LOUIE by Patricia Newman                                            610 words / picture book

I love my zoo. Not to brag or anything, but my black-footed penguin pool rocks. I’m the tall good-looking one.                                     [Louie is a South African black-footed penguin.]

Every day, I race underwater with my buddies. Visitors listen to us sing and watch us dance. At night when we’re alone, we tell scary orca stories.

One day the wire crate comes out. My buddies and I cower in the corner. The penguin that leaves in that crate never returns.

Today that penguin is me. My buddies sing a sad song as I leave them.

At my new zoo, I hear a lion roar and a monkey chatter. My new pool has rocks, clean water, and a window for us to people-watch. It’s not home, but I like it.

I stick out my flipper. “I’m  Louie.”

My new pool-mates cross their flippers and stare at me. “This is Tux, Waddles, Tutu, Poppi, and Fatso. I’m Oreo,” Oreo says. “And you, new guy, are in our way.”

Fatso’s feet slap across the rocks to breakfast. Tux and Waddles stampede over me in their rush to beat Fatso. Oreo flaps his wings as if he expects to take off. (Earth to Oreo: Penguins don’t fly.) Tutu and Poppi squawk out a love song. (For each other, not me.)

No worries. I’ve played tough colonies before. I dust off my feathers and throw back my wings. I can do this.

I try a sincere compliment. “Waddles, your feathers are so shiny I need sunglasses.”

“Eew, you’re molting,” she says.  “Go away.”

I swallow hard. Molting?

My scruffy reflection mocks me. I slap my wing over a bald spot, but refuse to give up.

I try a friendly greeting. “Poppi my man, slap me some flipper!”

He shoves me. There’s no talking to some penguins before their morning fish heads.

Meredith Mundy’s First Page Critique – Left Out Louie

This penguin has class, style, and strong self esteem—characteristics that come through splendidly in his clear, certain voice. I found it refreshing that this was not another story about a character fearfully dreading a move away from home and adjusting poorly to his new environment. Louie takes life as it comes and is not afraid of meeting new penguins. He sets a great example for readers by not giving up, even after being repeatedly rebuffed. His confidence makes him very likable indeed. I’m also pleased to see that this is not another typical story about bullying—Louie is a character who will stand up for himself, and surely will not be “left out” for long.

The specific details included in this first page are terrific: the penguins don’t just tell scary stories at night; they tell scary orca stories! The window in Louie’s new enclosure is for people-watching, of course! I also admire the sly and unobtrusive way that numerous facts about penguins have been woven into the text. In a very small space we have learned what a penguin’s natural enemy is, their favorite food, the fact that they are flightless, etc.

This first page definitely makes me want to keep reading—I’m curious to know what the specific conflict will be and how Louie resolves it. Since his musical talents are mentioned at the beginning, surely he will be bringing some song and dance to this tougher new home of his.

I would definitely suggest that the author create a rough turning dummy for the whole text to make sure the pacing feels right. Is there too much here at the beginning, leaving not enough room for the rest of the story to spin out comfortably in 32 pages? Hard to tell from what’s here, but it’s a very promising beginning.

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Tercules by Marcy Pusey, picture-book

The egg bounced. It boinged; it rolled; it rocked; it swayed; it swiveled; it tilted and tumbled. The nest beneath it crushed and crumbled as the little turkey chick freed himself.

“Too wild!” squealed the other baby turkeys.

“Too wild?” repeated the newly hatched baby.

“Just right,” beamed Momma Gobbler.

“He’s so big and strangely strong, I’ll call him Tercules,” Momma Gobbler said lovingly.

On his first flight, Tercules sent wind-storms of trees tumbling. Not to mention his brothers and sisters.

“Too windy!” whined Gobbeldy.

“Too windy?” asked Tercules.

“Just right,” flapped Momma Gobbler, spiraling through the air.

Perched on a branch beneath his momma’s wings, Tercules felt an itch.  The branch bounced low as he strained to relieve the tickle. Scratch, creak, scratch, crack. Suddenly, split, splat! Tercules and his family were in a heap on the ground.

“Too bouncy!” cried Poultrina.

“Too dangerous!” wailed Frank.

“Too bouncy? Too dangerous?” worried Tercules.

“Just right,” shushed Momma Gobbler from beneath her poultry pile.

Meredith Mundy’s First Page Critique – Tercules

I’m tickled by the fresh premise here—I’ve definitely never seen a tall tale about a Herculean turkey!

The first few lines nicely set up for the reader the exaggerated action to come, and I like the energetic language here, though there are perhaps a few too many alliterative pairs. Consider removing one or two so that the story can get going a bit more swiftly. (I’d vote to toss the first pair: “boinged” is the weakest of the examples here and sounds like a made-up word.) Also watch the wording in the third line—it’s not the nest that’s doing the crushing; it’s the egg.

The refrain that ends with Momma Gobbler’s sweet affirmation that her youngest child is “just right” works nicely—readers will recognize the rhythm from “Goldilocks” and appreciate the twist. Interesting to see how much is revealed about Tercules just by having him repeat his siblings’ criticisms: we see that he’s a bit insecure, not wanting to offend, and nothing like the braggart he could be based on his superior strength. It lends him a sweet uncertainty, and we like him immediately.

This story’s beginning sets up for the reader what Tercules is capable of—he crushes a nest just by escaping his shell; he causes a windstorm just by flapping his wings; he knocks his family out of the tree just by scratching an itch. After this series of three examples, I’m assuming that the story really gets going and a plot emerges. I’d like to see that happen a tad sooner, which could be accomplished by letting more of what is described in the text here be shown in the art. The first page definitely made this reader want to find out what happens next.

I worry that the second and third examples of Tercules’s strength are perhaps too similar—I imagine the art for both showing the turkey family’s tree swaying and shaking; feathers everywhere; turkey chicks off balance and tossed every which way. Is there another example—maybe something even more extraordinary—that would add variety in action and setting but still demonstrate his unusual strength? If the author keeps the current examples, I’d suggest saving the flying episode for last—it seems too abrupt to have Tercules born and already in flight within two pages.

I’d be curious to know if other readers tripped over the title. Once I got the joke, I thought it was very funny, but the spelling threw me off. Would “Turkules” create a more immediate connection in a reader’s brain between “turkey” and “Hercules”? Will the picture book audience know who Hercules is? Momma might have to—swiftly—clue her other babies into why she chose that name, thereby clarifying for readers, too. Or perhaps we just need a clever subtitle to seal the deal.

Thank you Meredith for sharing all your time and expertise to help authors to improve their writing skills. It is much appreciated and very helpful. If you are attending the NJSCBWI June conference, you will get to meet Meredith and I promise you will love her. Remember deadline to sign up is April 30th.

Talk tomorrow,

Kathy

This Good Friday Illustration was sent in by MaryJo Scott, a freelance illustrator and mother of three. Besides filling journals with sketches and words, she moonlights as an open mic storyteller and poet. Growing up the youngest of six and working in my parents’ coffee/gift shop, has given me an unending supply of humorous and poignant stories. My favorite things are walking out of a library with an armful of books, hiking, gardening, visiting with my chickens (the girls and one talkative rooster) and looking for salamanders under rocks with my kids. http://maryjoscott.carbonmade.com

Leading off the critiques for March is the only one who used the picture prompt. I want to thank everyone for submitting their first pages and thank Janine for taking time out of her busy schedule to critique the four pages and help so many writers in the process.

HE LOVES ME NOT  By Lauri C. Meyers – YA 

       “He loves me. He loves me not. He loves me.” Rose said plucking the lily’s purple petals.

“You’re doing it all wrong,” a voice spoke behind her. Rose turned to see a beautiful stranger approaching. Almost too lovely for real life, and certainly too gorgeous for Corning.

“I can show you the correct way, but,” the stranger paused, her eyes gleaming, “you should only try if you’re certain of his love. Though, you wouldn’t be pulling petals if you were sure.”

“I know he loves me deeply. I was merely,” Rose selected her words, “reassuring myself.”

“Delightful. Then you are indeed ready for the test. Escort me to the water.” Though Rose was not in the habit of following strangers, she easily slid her arm in the woman’s elbow when offered.  This woman felt safe, or at least irresistible.

“Water flows all around the world, across the land, down the mountains, into the sky, and through every living thing. Water courses through you right now.  If anyone knew the truth, it would be the water.”  The stranger brushed Rose’s cheek with her supple fingers. The words sounded as true as anything she had ever learned. Certainly, water did know more than anyone.

“Though my pastor says,” Rose attempted to collect the letters floating around her head into the words she heard every Sunday, but the truth was strong. The stranger’s smile dazzled.

“To ask the water, you must be in the water.” Rose didn’t remove her slippers or raise her gown as though entering a carriage, but rather waltzed right into the lake.

“Now say your words. He loves me. He loves me not. He loves me.”

“He loves me. He loves me not.  He loves me. He loves me not,”  Rose chanted.

The water rippled around her, and bubbles began to pop around her fingertips. Then the water tugged her under. She didn’t struggle as the liquid filled her mouth; she just let go knowing the answer to the question.

“It seems he loves you not.”  The stranger walked away from the water.

Here is Janine’s critique for HE LOVES ME NOT by Lauri C. Meyers:

I like how this story opens with a familiar action that immediately tells us something about the main character and creates anticipation for both Rose and the reader–will her love be reciprocated? Then the introduction of the stranger with a better solution follows immediately, breaking our expectations and adding a layer of intrigue. I love the description of the stranger as “Almost too lovely for real life, and certainly too gorgeous for Corning” because it tells us not only about the stranger but also about the setting and, in contrast, presumably, about Rose. The description could also allude to some magical or paranormal ability, which the following paragraphs lead me to believe she possesses. Was that intended? If so, I love the use of simple language to work on so many levels.

While Rose’s interactions with the woman seem strange, I’m willing to believe because the author hangs a lantern on it by saying Rose wouldn’t normally follow strangers but this woman feels irresistible. I do wonder, however what it was Rose was saying about her pastor and why she can’t recall it in the woman’s presence. Has the woman (literally or metaphorically) cast a spell on her? This may be explained in the following pages, and in that case, it’s fine to leave the reader wondering at this point. It seems that Rose has some misgivings about the woman’s proposal, but yet they never fully arise, and for some reason, I’m picturing her as Alice following the White Rabbit down the hole, which I really like. The line that I am hung up on, though, is that “the truth was strong”. I don’t know what that means, and maybe that should be made more clear.

When Rose enters the water and chants, I like the images of the water rippling and the bubbles popping around her. Again, there’s something beautiful and mystical about this description. After that I’m not quite sure what actually happens. Does the current pull her under? Is it some supernatural force? And does she come back up?

There’s a wonderfully enchanting mood set in this piece, and I would definitely keep reading to find out what happens. I do feel a bit disconnected from the two characters, though. If Rose (or the mysterious woman) is the main character, how can we learn more about her? And if neither of them is the protagonist, how are they connected to the protagonist in a way that it sets the stage for the rest of the story?

It would also be beneficial to check for common spelling and grammar errors, which can distract readers. Overall, an engaging first page.
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YA Novel  BABY  by Kathleen Elken

            “Ain’t no way to come into this world.”

That’s what most people say about me bein born in a Port Authority toilet bowl.  That ain’t how I feel about it though.  Givin birth to me in that dirty, ol’ pot was the second best thing my Mama ever done for me.  The best thing was her leavin me there.  Nobody, not nobody should be with someone who don’t love ‘em.  Least that’s what Nell always said, and she be the one who found me.

Hittin that cold water must a been like the slap most babies get ‘cause Nell said I was bawlin like a banshee when she opened that stall door.  She stuck her hands right in and scooped me out.  Used a ribbon from the flowers she was carryin to cut my cord.  Then she wrapped me tight in her coat and held me close.  Back and forth, back and forth she rocked, waitin on that other lady to bring back help.

Those transit cops, they said I was so blue, so cold, I’d never make it.
“Hush!” Nell said to them.  “Go find this baby girl’s Mama!”

And they did.  Just followed her blood trail out a that bathroom.  Past those statue people, down those steps, all the way past Hudson News, right up to the Greyhound Ticket Counter.  Mama was just gettin off line, grippin a ticket to Pittsburgh.  She must a used up her whole life savins ‘cause they don’t find no other money on her.

It was good the cops had a hold a her by the arms since her knees buckled right then and there.  They ended up takin both a us down to St. Vincent’s.  We was in that hospital a week, and every day the nurses ask her don’t she want to see me.  But she never did…

Here is Janine’s critique for BABY by Kathleen Elken

What’s most intriguing to me about this main character is not her dramatic birth but her unique perspective on it. I think most readers can agree being abandoned in a public toilet is “no way to come into this world”, but the main character holds no grudges and wants no sympathy, finding herself lucky to have at least been given a chance at a life with someone who loved her, which presumably she found in Nell. Immediately, I’m drawn to like this character who sees her own bad fate in the best possible light.

I love the imagery in this first page, from the baby hitting the water like a slap, to the transit cops following the trail of blood “past those statue people…”, to the mother gripping a bus ticket to Pittsburgh. The voice is compelling, and I’d definitely want to keep reading.

As I’ve noted, the story about the main character’s birth is interesting and sweeps me along, and it certainly tells us a lot about the character. However, at the end of this page, I have very little idea what the novel is about. I assume the main character is now a young adult and I wonder what’s going on with this character at present. Perhaps this first page is actually back story that could be worked in later once we’re better grounded in the plot? Or maybe one paragraph could come before the first line to set up why this information is important for us to know right away?

One general thing to keep in mind here is the dialect. While I enjoy the element it adds to the narrator’s voice, I think the level of dialect may be a little intense for some readers. I found it distracting that in some sentences there were multiple words in dialect. It might sound more natural if less dialect were used to greater effect; for example, adding the “g” back in at the end of words ending in “ing” but keeping more impactful expressions like “ol’ pot”.

The first page has great writing and a strong protagonist.
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Picture Book   Ants in My Pants by Linda Bozzo

Amy Sue whirled into Room 13 waving a note. “This is from my mom.”
She bounced up and down on her left foot. Then she bounced up and down on her right foot.

Dear Mrs. Diaz,
Amy Sue can’t stay still today. I hope you’ll know what to do.
Mrs. Jitters

Amy Sue plopped down in her desk. Her toes tapped. Tappity, tap, tap. Her hands clapped. Clappity, clap, clap.
The class could not help but notice.

Amy Sue pulled out her book and tried to read. But her backside grew fidgety. Her desk shook. Smack! Amy Sue’s crayons crashed to the floor.

“Amy Sue, why can’t you stay still today?” asked Mrs. Diaz.

“I’ve got ants in my pants and I don’t know what to do.”

“Oh, my!” said Mrs. Diaz. “Be a dear and give this to Mrs. Water and ask her for new crayons.”

Amy Sue zigzagged to the art room. She dashed from one side of the room to the other before she dropped the note on Mrs. Water’s desk.

Dear Mrs. Waters,
Amy Sue needs a new box of crayons. By the way, she can’t stay still today. Can you help?
Mrs. Diaz

“Amy Sue, why can’t you stay still?”

“I have ants in my pants and I don’t know what to do.”

Here is Janine’s critique of ANTS IN MY PANTS by Linda Bozzo:

This story has the potential to be a really fun read aloud. I love the verbs here: whirled, bounced, plopped, tapped, clapped, shook, crashed, zigzagged, dashed… I can see Amy Sue moving and I think young readers would be drawn in by her actions (and perhaps able to relate in not being able to control their fidgets). I would definitely keep reading to find out what else those ants will make Amy do and how she’ll get rid of them.

As engaging as the narration was, I was a little less enthralled with the notes and the dialog, and I found they pulled me away from Amy’s motion that was otherwise propelling the story forward. I wonder if those interactions couldn’t be summed up in the narration? Taking this a step further, as written now, the grownups are trying to solve Amy’s problem, when it might be more interesting to see the main character search for her own solutions. How does she try to control the “ants in her pants” and what other trouble does she cause enroute to succeed?

This is a strong first page. I think if you continue developing the main character and the action, it could be even stronger. Again, I’d read further to find out what happens here.
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MG Novel  FOURTEEN AND FEELING LIKE POLLYWOG POO by Doris Stone    

As I opened the screen door I sensed tension. Something was wrong, but what?   Dad sat at the kitchen table- normal.   He had a cup of coffee- normal.  His head was down like he was reading or deep in thought- normal.  I dropped my backpack onto the floor with a thud. He didn’t look up – UNUSUAL!

“Guess who aced her Algebra test?”  I said, trying to sound cheerful. But for some reason, it felt like cockroaches were gnawing on the insides of my stomach.

“Jilly,” Dad said letting out a mournful sigh.  The tone in his voice stopped me in my tracks.

“Huh?” I said slipping into the chair across from him.  He sucked in a deep breath and whispered. “I have to go.”  His blue eyes looked faded, lifeless and his face taunt. “I got my orders. I’ve been called up.”

For a moment, I couldn’t comprehend what he was talking about.  But then it was clear.  Dad was going to war and I was going to live with Aunt Karen. A sick feeling coiled around me like the tentacles of a massive squid.  My chest hurt. Every bit of life was being squeezed out of me.  It was a panicky feeling I knew all too well.

Dad stood up and walked to the kitchen window. “This isn’t what I planned.”   He looked over the driveway- staring blankly as if somehow- someway the answer to our problems could be found, written in the asphalt.  A few seconds later he walked over, put his hand on my shoulder and said “We’ll be all right. We’ve been through worse.  You and me kid, we always make it through.” But his voice sounded weak.

I needed it strong. What could I say?  No problem.  Everything will be fine.  I don’t mind changing schools again.  Keppler and Cruze will be fine without me. I really wanted to make him feel better.  I wanted to say, everything will be all right. But damn it! Things were different this time.

Here is Janine’s critique for FOURTEEN AND FEELING LIKE POLLYWOG POO by Doris Stone:

I’m torn about this first paragraph. I like what it tells us about Jilly’s relationship with her father: they’re close enough that she can immediately sense her father’s tension, even if she doesn’t know how she knows. It rings true to me that she takes stock of the situation

to try and figure out what’s different. However, the mental checklist format feels a bit unnatural as she would make those observations more quickly and running through it that way gives a bit of a detective feel, which doesn’t seem to fit with the scene that follows.

The author uses great metaphors to show how the main character’s feeling, such as, “A sick feeling coiled around me like the tentacles of a massive squid.” With such a strong sentence, I don’t know if the next two sentences are necessary because they essentially say the same thing but less effectively. I also feel the father’s emotion when he stares out the window and speaks reassuring words in a weak voice. I would be careful to keep the girl’s voice age-appropriate, though. It seems out of character for a young girl to observe “His blue eyes looked faded, lifeless and his face taunt”. What does the father do to show his feelings? What subtle things would the character more likely notice, like in the above example? It also felt out of voice to me later when the character says “damn it” in a way that seems too adult. Most of the things Jilly does, says, and feels seem believable and age appropriate, so I wouldn’t want to pull the reader away from her story with these more adult lines.

I’m intrigued that apparently the father has been deployed (or at least transferred) before but this time things are different. I want to know more about that. What’s different? And just who are Kepler and Cruze? I like that these facts are dropped in, and I’d want to keep reading to find out the answers. However, there are some details I feel need to be filled in sooner. I’m unsure how many times Jilly’s father has been deployed; Jilly doesn’t comprehend what her father means at first, but then she says she knows the feeling all too well and that she’s changed schools before. These statements seem to contradict each other. Additionally, I wonder what worse things the father and daughter have been through before? And has Jilly lived with Aunt Karen in the past or was there a mother (or someone else) in the picture before? When too many of these questions creep in without any answers, I start feeling like I’m observing a private conversation, and I want to be more in the loop so I can feel fully invested in the characters.

As a note, the fourth paragraph should be split into two so you don’t have two characters speaking in one paragraph. Another great first page that would keep me reading!

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Remember you can meet Janine Hauber from the Sheldon  Fogelman Agency at the New Jersey SCBWI Conference in June. For more details, or to register go to: www.regonline.com/njscbwi2013conference This is a great opportunity to get to know Janine. Thanks again Janine. It is very appreciated!

Talk tomorrow,

Kathy

I am sorry that I forgot to chose the winner for Susan Deitwiler picture book give-a-way. Now, I am busy at a writer’s retreat. I want to do it right, so I will announce it on Monday – Promise! Please check back.

I’d like to introduce you to JANINE HAUBER, Agent, Sheldon Fogelman Agency. She has agreed to be Guest Critiquer for March. She will read and critique 4 first pages and will be part of the faculty at the New Jersey SCBWI Conference in June.

This is a great way to do your homework and get a feel for Janine. Check out the other faculty who have been Guest Critiquers:

Jenne Abramowitz Senior Editor, Scholastic

Heather Alexander Associate Editor at Dial BFYR

John Cusick, Agent, Greenhouse Literary

Liza Fleissig, Agent, Liza Royce Agency

Rachel Orr, Agent, Prospect Agency

Janine has been with the Sheldon Fogelman Agency since 2010, where she has worked with award-winning clients such as Jerry Pinkney, Peggy Rathmann, Karen Beaumont, Mo Willems, Diane Stanley, and T. A. Barron. As foreign rights manager, Janine has licensed translation rights in more than 20 languages and represented the agency and its clients at the Bologna Children’s Book Fair.

She’s actively building her own list and is open to representing picture books, middle grade books, young adult books – all types of children’s books of all genres.

WRITERS Sending in a First Page: Please attach your double spaced, 12 point font, 23 line first page to an e-mail and send it to kathy(dot)temean(at)gmail(dot)com. Also cut and paste it into the body of the e-mail. Put “March First Page Critique” or “March First Page Picture Prompt Critique” in the subject line. Make sure you have your name on the submission, a title, and indicate the genre. Also let me know if you were able to post of facebook or Tweet. That will get your name in the basket an additional time, when I am choosing the four pages. If you don’t have either of these, just leave a comment and let me know. If you end up doing more things to get additional entries, then e-mail me a note by March 23rd. The four chosen and their critiques will be posted on March 29th.

The above is the First Page Picture Prompt for March. Illustrated by Jen Betton. Jen was featured on illustrator Saturday if you would like to see more of her work. http://wp.me/pss2W-6bk You can also visit her website: www.jenbetton.com or her blog: www.jenbetton.blogspot.com

AUTHORS: If you have a new book coming out and want to be considered for a post, please e-mail me at: Kathy.temean (at) gmail.com

Call for illustrations for March: You can send anything, but I am especially looking for illustrations that reflect the month of March. Last month I did not get many of your illustrations. I hope you will send something in. You do not have to wait, I will post the illustrations as they come in. Please make sure the illustration is at least 500 pixels wide and include a blurb about yourself and a link to see more of your work. Please send it to kathy(dot)temean(at)gmail(dot)com and put “March Illustration” in the subject box.

Talk tomorrow,

Kathy

And the book winners from last week are:

Donna Marie Taylor for i haiku you and Wendy Greenley for Bug Patrol

If you are a winner, please email your address to me, so I can arrange to send your book.

I will report who our guest critiquer is as soon as I can confirm. Sorry for the delay.

Each Month I try to give Writers and Illustrator a chance to be noticed and further their craft. Writers can use the picture prompt below by Lisa Anchin to help inspire their first page for Free Fall Friday or they can submit a first page from something they are currently writing.  Lisa was featured on Illustrator Saturday on October 27th last year.  Take a look to see more of her great artwork. http://wp.me/pss2W-5yi

WRITERS Sending in a First Page: Please attach your double spaced, 12 point font, 23 line first page to an e-mail and send it to kathy(dot)temean(at)gmail(dot)com. Also cut and paste it into the body of the e-mail. Put “December First Page Critique” or “February First Page Picture Prompt Critique” in the subject line. Make sure you have your name on the submission, a title, and indicate the genre. Also let me know which steps you took, so I will know how many times to put your name in the basket. If you end up doing more things to get additional entries, then e-mail me by February 23rd. The four chosen and their critiques will be posted on March 1st.

AUTHORS: If you have a new book coming out and want to be considered for a post, please e-mail me at: Kathy.temean (at) gmail.com

Call for illustrations for February: You can send anything, but it may not get used for February, unless I have a post that will go with it. I will try to use all illustrations that reflect the month. You do not have to wait, I will post the illustrations as they come in. Please make sure the illustration is at least 500 pixels wide and include a blurb about yourself and a link to see more of your work. Please send it to kathy(dot)temean(at)gmail(dot)com and put “February Illustration” or “General Illustration” in the subject box.

Talk tomorrow,

Kathy

I wanted to thank everyone who sent in a first page this month.  I read through everything that was sent in and I was very impressed with the quality of the submissions. Unfortunately, I could only send in four pages to agent Rachel Orr, so I put everyone’s name in a hat and pull out four names.  I hope you will send in the same on or something else for February.

Here are the four winners and Rachel:

CAUGHT by Amanda Worlley – YA novel

Jake was half way down the car park ramp when he heard the scream.  It was a man’s guttural cry, thick with pain.  A chill swept through Jake’s body and he stopped running.  As he turned back towards the wail he felt another shudder, this time of relief, as his two friends came rushing towards him.

‘Run,’ said Timmo, as he bolted past Jake.  The screaming was unrelenting as security guards reached the top of the ramp, yelling at Jake to stop.  Those few seconds had cost him a lot of ground.  He turned, launching himself in the same direction his friends had gone.  Reaching the landing where the ramp turned to the right leading down to ground level, he spied two more guards charging up the rise towards him.

Without hesitation, he dived towards the concrete barrier shielding the three metre drop to the level below.  His heart was pounding as he reached forward placing his palms squarely on the cool surface, and brought his knees up to his chest to clear the wall.  As his legs swung through, he pushed off with both hands and held his breath as he dropped to the floor below.  He touched first with the balls of his feet and then bent his legs to help absorb the impact, letting the air escape from his lungs.  Jake let his body collapse and rolled, the momentum allowing his feet to find ground and propel him forward.   He was grateful for the practice he had put in to perfect that roll. Guards leant over the barrier above and called to the dark haired boy to stop.

The fresh night air rushed in through the car park entrance filling his nostrils, and with a surge of confidence he pulled the hood of his sweater back over his head. He ran out of the carpark and pounded along the road that led away from the shopping centre.  He didn’t stop until he could no longer hear the screaming.

HERE IS RACHEL:

CAUGHT

The first line here—“Jake was halfway down the car park ramp when he heard the scream”—is terrific because it really catches the reader’s attention: Someone is in trouble.  And the phrase “he felt another shudder, this time of relief” is also effective because it causes a change in the reader’s expectation: Jake wasn’t panicked simply because he thought someone was in trouble, but because he was possibly involved.  Of course, given the title of the novel, Caught, the reader may sense this already, but it’s an effective line nonetheless, making the reader want more—which is what you always want to achieve in the first page of any book.

The next two paragraphs—in which the action of Jake’s escape is described—are chockfull of action and very cinematic in a sense, although I wish they were a little less play-by-play.  The description of Jake’s every move (i.e. “He touched first with the balls of his feet and then bent his legs to help absorb the impact”) is actually slowing down the action instead of propelling it forward, which seems contrary to what you actually want to achieve here.  I would love to see the pace of the text better match the quick pace of the scene’s action.

I felt like I was glazing over the action scenes until I reached the line “He was grateful for the practice he had put in to perfect that roll”, which really caught my attention.  This must not have been an impulsive act of crime, but rather, premeditated.  That’s good stuff (except for the victim, obviously . Again, it makes the reader want to keep reading.  I was thrown off a bit, however, by the final sentence in this third paragraph “Guards leant over the barrier above and called to the dark haired boy to stop”.  That specific reference didn’t seem necessary—“called for him to stop” would seem to suffice—unless they’re actually talking about one of Jake’s friends here.  And, if that’s the case, then it would help to make that much more clear.

As for the final paragraph, I love the image of Jake pulling the hood of his sweater (not a sweatshirt though?) back over his head—although it did cross my mind why he didn’t have the hood on during the crime instead of pulling it on afterward.  Still, overall, this is a strong start to a novel that is sure to capture the attention of your readers and keep them engaged in the plot of the novel.  Well done!

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LEAVING KENT STATE by Sabrina Fedel – YA historical fiction

I love the idea of the opening image here: a girl waiting for an older boy to come home.  I’m imagining Rachel on the stoop of her home, but would love to know if I’m right.  And is Evan her neighbor?  Their relationship tripped me up a bit at first; I kept thinking that he was her brother, even though you clearly have her looking for the sight of his dad’s car (not their dad’s car).  Still, it might be helpful if you were clearer about their relationship sooner rather than later.

Also, I don’t think we need to focus so much on the October sun here.  The fact that it’s always cold in Northeastern Ohio—but warm enough today—seems contradictory, as well as a bit untrue.  I also wasn’t sure why the sun was making the construction paper feel soft and fragile in the narrator’s hands.  Perhaps you could simply focus on the leaves (or something even less expected) to signify the month of October?

In addition, I had some confusion about Rachel’s age.   In the first few paragraphs—with the reference to construction paper and childhood nicknames—she sounds like she could be a pre-teen.   I thought that maybe she was planning her own ticker-tape parade for Evan—and that she would love to be kissed by him—which could be very sweet and innocent, although maybe not the right innocence for a YA novel.  When Rachel mentions Pratt, however, it’s suddenly clear that she’s a high school student, which doesn’t seem to gel with the details we already know about her.

While it’s clear that Rachel greatly admires Evan, I wasn’t sure what to make of the reference to her wanting to “dance with outstretched arms in homage to the God of the Stars” after seeing his smile.  Also, the description of his “China blue eyes” seems a bit dated here.  I realize this is historical fiction, of course, but maybe hearing something about Evan that’s more specific and unique to him (as opposed to simply his eyes and his smile) would give us insight not only into what Evan is like, but also into Rachel’s character, and what kind of qualities she finds attractive in a man.

Lastly, I’m a bit concerned here about both identifying the era of this novel, as well as reader expectations.  For example, I’m not sure if today’s readers will be familiar with the image of the Times Square ticker-tape parade photo.  And, if they are, I worry that this might point readers to the wrong era—to World War II, instead of Vietnam.  Likewise, I’m not clear on how much we’re expecting readers to know about the Kent State shooting.  And does this opening scene take place before or after the shooting?  Given the title, Leaving Kent State, I initially assumed that Evan was the one leaving Kent State because of the shooting—and that was why Rachel referred to the day as a “revolution”.  So, naturally, I was surprised to find out that Evan was actually stationed in Vietnam, and also that Rachel’s dad wants her to go to Kent State.  (So this story must begin before the shooting—and it must be “expected” because it’s close to him, yes?  Although I don’t think we can expect readers to know that Kent State is in Northeastern Ohio.)

Overall, I think this is a topic that has a lot of promise, and that clarifying some important points early on in the story will keep readers engaged in the compelling story you’re trying to tell.

HERE’S RACHEL:

LEAVING KENT STATE

The October sun is always cold in Northeastern Ohio.  Sitting there, waiting for Evan, it seemed warm enough, making the little pieces of colored construction paper in my hand soft and fragile.  I sat on my front steps, scanning the corner for the sight of his dad’s brown Chevy Impala.  Yellow maple leaves fell like random pieces of confetti, but not enough to be like that photo of the ticker-tape parade in Times Square on VJ day, the one with the sailor kissing the girl.

I imagined Evan, smiling in his way that made me want to dance with outstretched arms in homage to the God of the Stars.  He would get out of the car and hug me, calling me Rachel for the first time. He won’t call me Bug now, I thought.  Not after nineteen months away. He’ll see how much I’ve grown up. He won’t call me Bug today.

I had his red electric guitar, polished and in perfect condition, sitting in its case beside me.  When he gave it to me to take care of, I knew he never thought I’d learn to play his favorite Beatles’ song for his homecoming. Revolution.  Today was a revolution.

Evan would know how to talk my dad into letting me go to Pratt.  Evan could talk my dad into anything.  Maybe because my dad always wanted a boy.  Maybe because Evan had a way of talking so you didn’t even know he was asking for anything.  Maybe because of those China blue eyes that made you want to believe in something.  Evan would know how to make my dad understand I couldn’t go to Kent State just because it was expected.

The week before, when we found out that Evan was coming home, his mom had said everything had changed.  When I asked her why, she had just cried.  But she was wrong.  I reread every letter Evan sent me from Vietnam.  Evan hadn’t changed.  He hadn’t changed at all.  He’d taken some shrapnel in his side so they were sending him home a few months early. It was all part of the troop withdrawal President Nixon had promised.  I had read about it in the paper, how when boys were injured, they were sending them home and not replacing them.

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SHINING SEA by Mimi Cross – YA paranormal romance

Tuneless humming was coming from the next room. I’d always been the better singer, no secret. To me, singing feels like . . . flying.

I sang before I could talk. As a little kid, I sang in the church choir, later, in the choruses at school. Two years ago I started writing songs—not that I’d call myself a songwriter yet. My first real gig was last weekend down in the Mission District. Standing on the corner stage of the black box performance space I played one set, twelve tunes, while hipsters watched with crossed arms. Performing in front of an audience is a good way to tell if your songs are finished. Or not.

The song I was trying to capture now definitely was not. I gave the guitar a soft strum. A ghost of a chord slipped out. Playing the haunting notes a little louder, I listened for the melody. It would come eventually, but we were leaving any minute. Not just leaving. Moving.

“Do you know,” I sang softly, “where lost things go?”      

No. Not right. My fingers fumbled then jerked, hitting on a rhythmic pattern atop a single, minor chord: one and two, one and two.

“Saint Anthony, can you come around? There’s something lost, and it can’t be found.”

In the next room Lilah fell silent. The lyrics tangled in my throat. Saint Anthony, was he the one? A quick Google search told me I was right, Saint Anthony is invoked as the finder of lost things. Pulling the guitar closer, I played the line over and over.

“Arion? You up there?” Dad. I shut the laptop and put the guitar in its case. Hands full, I left my room and stood in my sister’s doorway. She didn’t see me.

Lilah is beautiful. Her features are regular and in proportion. Mine are slightly, well . . . exaggerated. Nose longer, eyes wider, lips fuller.

The tears I’d vowed not to cry started to sting my eyes. Brown eyes. On a good day, they were hazel. Maybe. There’s no mistaking the color of my sister’s eyes. Bright blue. Her hair is

HERE IS RACHEL:

SHINING SEA

I like the idea of a teen songwriter as a protagonist; this felt really fresh to me.  So I must admit that I was disappointed when I came to the third paragraph and realized that the protagonist was going to be moving.  Maybe it’s just a pet peeve of mine, but this seems like more of a stock beginning and not the kind of hook that is going to capture your readers and keep them reading.

Also, I didn’t feel as grounded in the setting as I would have liked.  In the first paragraph, we learn that there is tuneless humming coming from the next room, but we don’t get a clear sense of where, exactly, our narrator is—or who the tuneless hummer is.  Not that you want to give everything away right from the beginning, of course—it’s always good to keep the reader guessing about some things, to tug them along through the course of the narration—but it’s usually helpful for a reader to at least be grounded in the setting, and also have a sense of who the characters are.

We also learn in the first paragraph that the narrator is a better singer than the tuneless hummer (which is a good thing, considering she wants to be a songwriter —and that, to her, singing feels like flying.  But then, instead of getting a clear picture of what the narrator means by this comparison, we’re suddenly pulled through a flash of church choir and chorus until we arrive at the protagonist’s first gig in the Mission District.  This might be an interesting place to start the novel—with a fully fleshed-out scene on this (perhaps awkward?) performance.  Or, we could keep the focus on the protagonist playing her guitar (at home in her bedroom, I’m assuming?).  But I would suggest choosing either one or the other as an opening scene, not both—and perhaps cutting that very first, short paragraph of three lines altogether, since it doesn’t do much to either grip the reader or set the scene.

I love the lines where the narrator is fumbling around on the guitar, trying to find the right chords, and I love the lyrics she writes.  However, I wasn’t as crazy about the quick Google search to make sure that Saint Anthony was the patron saint of lost things, because I felt that pulled us away too abruptly from the narrator’s creative moment.  The abrupt interruption from her Dad does feel right though, and it made me hope that this would be the main conflict of the novel—that the protagonist is trying to hide her musical talents from her (presumably) disappointed father—instead of the fact that she’s moving.

Lastly, I don’t think we really need to know what Lilah looks like.  Or, if we do, perhaps you could show us more subtly (instead of just coming out and telling us) that she’s more beautiful than the protagonist.  And, if this is necessary, then maybe there’s a better moment to do that.  Right now, at this point in the story, I don’t care if the narrator’s eyes are wider (and I especially don’t want any clichéd stinging tears).  What I really want to know is where she’s planning on stashing her laptop and guitar before her dad shows up.  That will keep me reading.

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SLED DOGS, ESKIMOS, AND DRAMS by Judy Pressler – Middle Grade Historical Fiction
“Patricia, do not stop!” I told myself, but curiosity  got the best of me. I just wanted a good look at the shabby, run down house on  the edge of the Alaskan tundra. I would never go inside the haunted house. Fear  kept my mukluks glued to the snow covered path.

I blamed a not-so-nice  classmate in my school that I stood there on the wooden boardwalk shivering in  the cold. She frequently played tricks and told untrue stories. Tillie told  everyone in my class she heard ghosts in the deserted house. That tempted me to  check out the place. Most likely she hid somewhere to watch and laugh. I heard  no ghost noises, and no one lurked behind any of the other houses or buildings.

After school on that  April day, my mother sent me on an errand to my Grandmother Annun’s house. She  and Grandfather Kanlak lived in the last house of the village. Their house  overlooked the Kuskokwim River. The haunted house set four rows back from the  river with the tundra as its backyard. On the walk to my grandparent’s home, I  followed the usual path; but going home, my feet turned toward the empty house.  I couldn’t resist since I was so close to it.

My ears heard an odd  noise coming from the house. Ghosts? My heart pounded out-of-control. Tillie  told us ghosts made a spooky sound, like howling of the wind. These ghosts  didn’t howl. They sounded familiar!

I had an idea. I’d peek  into one of the windows, but I would have to stand on something. Our houses had to be built off the ground  on stilts because of the Arctic permafrost underneath. The yard lay cluttered  with various broken items. If I pulled some of them out of the snow, I could  build a tower to stand on. I stacked discarded bed springs, a washtub, and a  tricycle under the window. As my eyes adjusted to the darkness inside, I slipped  off my perch. In that split second, I caught a glimpse of the ghosts!

HERE’S RACHEL:

SLED DOGS, ESKIMOS, AND DRAMS

The choice of setting this story in the Alaskan tundra is very intriguing, and sets this story apart from your typical haunted house story.  I’d love to see a beginning that focuses on this strength: the moment that Patricia stops in front of this haunted house on the tundra, and what the house looks like, and what she’s feeling.  While it can often be effective to begin a story with a line of dialogue, I’m not sure that this particular line will really grab readers.  But a description of this eerie house might.

I’m also not sure that we need to know so much about Tillie here—probably a simple line or two would suffice—and I would also suggest cutting the third paragraph entirely.  It seems almost like a mini-flashback of sorts, and I don’t think it helps to advance the story at all.  The explanation of Patricia needing to run an errand doesn’t seem entirely necessary—nor does a description of the location of the house.

Also, I’m curious about the description of this piece as historical fiction.  During which time period does this story take place?  It might be nice to work some hint of that into this opening passage as well—but in a subtle way, of course.

However, I would take a bit more time with the following two paragraphs, fleshing them out without rushing them (especially the last paragraph here).  For example, how did the ghosts sound, exactly?  You say “familiar” here, but what do you mean by that?  In fleshing out the text though, be wary of relying on cliché phrases, such as “my heart pounded out of control”.  It’s fine to include them in your first draft—do anything you can just to get the story itself down on paper (or on the computer!)—but then keep an eye out for them when you’re revising and try to eliminate as many of them as possible.

I found the very last line of this page to be especially intriguing: “In that split second, I caught a glimpse of the ghosts!”  Yet I’m curious to know exactly what Patricia saw (or thought she saw, maybe?).  Was it a flash of light?  A white blob?  What?  Remember, the cardinal rule of writing is showing, not telling.  And enquiring minds want to know.

Thank you Rachel for taking the time to share you expertise.  I am sure everyone will get something out of reading your comments. I know I appreciate you being our Guest Critiquer very much.

Talk tomorrow,

Kathy

Deadline is tomorrow for entering your first page for critique with Agent Rachel Orr from The Prospect Literary Agency.  Click here for the details.  Many of you have been asking me for information about the June Conference in Princeton.  Below is what I know so far:

The 2013 SCBWI Annual June Conference dates are now confirmed so mark your calendars! 

June 7-9, 2013 – Princeton, NJ

Picture book illustrator/author Peter Brown (Children Make Terrible Pets, You Will Be My Friend, Creepy Carrots) and YA/MG author Lauren Oliver (Delirium, Pandemonium, Requiem, Before I Fall, The Spindlers), as this year’s keynote speakers. Both speakers will be giving an additional presentation at the conference, too, so this is not to be missed folks!

Same location new name: The Crowne Plaza-Holiday Inn Express (formerly the Wyndham Princeton Forrestal Hotel) features newly renovated guest rooms.

As we have done in the past, the intensives will be held Friday and the main conference will be held Saturday and Sunday.

We’ll keep you posted on the faculty line up, so if you are on the New Jersey SCBWI list, watch your inbox for more details soon! Registration will be open mid-to-late February.

CALL FOR CONFERENCE PROPOSALS

Deadline: Submit proposals no later than 5 p.m., January 30, 2013. 

Do you have some inspiring wisdom to share with your peers? Can you motivate others with valuable insight, tips and tricks of the trade?  Can you help others work on their craft of writing and illustrating children’s books?

We have some slots available for authors or illustrators to give workshops at the June conference this year. Experience in your field is preferable. Please read the proposal form including the terms carefully before submitting your proposal.

New Jersey SCBWI 2013 Conference

Workshop/Intensive Proposal Application

All potential workshop and intensive presenters must submit a written proposal. We are interested in a variety of types of workshops/intensives, both lecture and hands-on.

Submit a separate form for each workshop/intensive you are proposing.

Conference Dates:     June 7-9, 2013            2013 Conference Location:  Wyndham Princeton 

Proposal Due Date:    To be received no later than 5 p.m., January 30, 2013

We will strive to notify presenters by February 15, 2013

Submit to: [email protected]  Subject: Conference Proposal Application

Title of Workshop/Intensive: _________________________________________

Circle one: Workshop presentation (45 minutes) or  Friday Pre-conference intensive (4 hours)

Name:_________________________________________  

Phone: ________________________________________

Address: _______________________________________ 

Email: _________________________________________ 

Website: ________________________________________

Will You Partner with Other Presenters for Your Workshop? ______________________

If so, list their names, addresses, phone numbers,emails,and websites:

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Description (Please attach outline) of workshop in 150 words or less:___________________

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Title of Workshop/Intensive: ________________________________________________

Maximum number of workshop participants? ____________________________________

What will your workshop focus on?

Writing            Illustrating       Marketing        Other (Specify)_____________________________

Which areas will your workshop focus on?

Picture Books              Middle Grade             Young Adult               Nonfiction

Magazines                   Bus/Marketing                        Illustration                   Other (Specify)___________

What level writer/illustrator will your workshop appeal to?

Beginner/Novice                     Mid-range                   Advanced                   Published

Presentation Style, circle all you plan to use:

Lecture                        Powerpoint                  Group Discussion                    Hands-On Activities

Handouts (you are responsible for printing your own handouts)

Availability:  Friday ______   Saturday:  ________  Sunday _________

Bio (no more than 60 words): ________________________________________________

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Experience with topic: (no more than 100 words): ___________________________________

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The compensation below does not apply to Keynote Speakers, Editors, Agents or Art Dirs.

Compensation: 

1.  All workshops will receive an honorarium of $80.  So if you submit a proposal to do a workshop with other authors, the group will receive $80 to split. 

2.  Authors/illustrators who have a workshop scheduled on Saturday can come in for their workshop and stay to sell their books at the Saturday bookfair without paying for the conference.  If your workshop is schedule before lunch, then you will be invited to join us.  Please note: Last year, most author or illustrator workshops were scheduled in the afternoon on Saturday or Sunday.

3.  Any solo presenter who conducts a workshop on Sunday only, can come in for their workshop and stay for the morning and attend lunch at the conference without paying admission.  Monitory compensation the same as above.

4.  Any author/illustrator doing a workshop and has paid to attend the conference will also be invited to the Faculty Dinner on Saturday night.

5.  Anyone doing more than one solo workshop will receive free admission to the Mix and Mingle on Friday night.

6.  Any solo presenter who does four or more workshops during the weekend and at least six critiques, will receive free admission into the conference, receive a $300 honorarium and will receive an invitation to the Faculty Dinner.  Any author doing more than six critiques will have $25 added to their $300 honorarium for each additional critique.

7.  If you are chosen to conduct a four-hour Intensive Workshop on Friday afternoon, you will receive $25 for each person who registers for your Intensive and also receive free admission to the Mix and Mingle.  Conference is not included.

8.  Payment will be mailed within two weeks of the conference.

Email your proposal form as a word document (attachment) by no later than 5 p.m., January 30, 2013 to: [email protected]

Here are the four winning first page submissions sent in for Editor Karen Chaplin’s review.  If you want to read Karen’s bio and likes and dislikes, you can use this link: http://wp.me/pss2W-5JV

First winner is Janet Wellington:

THE LOOPERS CLUB/Janet Wellington/Middle Grade series

While Dad writes down his carefully numbered goodbye-list on the notepad next to the phone, I pick up Aunt Jess’ latest postcard off the kitchen counter. On the front is a picture of Stonehenge at sunset, and on the back she’s written: Count your blessings not your troubles. Right.

“You can’t leave.” I add Aunt Jess’s postcard to the others on the refrigerator door while Dad finishes his note. He likes to leave detailed lists of instructions when he goes on his secret Navy spy gigs. I stare at him with a particular glare I’m perfecting. I figure it’s something useful to have in your intimidation tool box, handy when things aren’t exactly going the way you want them to. Which, for me, is about every other minute.

“How long are you going for this time?” I ask. Length of deployment is usually the main topic when he leaves. That, and Mom.

“I wrote down your Aunt Jess’ new cell number. She’s in L.A. for a while, so, she’s pretty close, only a couple hours away.”

Just in case. He never says it out loud, though.

“But we just got here.” Which is true. Every wall in our cozy beach cottage glimmers white and there’s that new paint smell no matter where I am in the house.

“Everything’s going to be fine,” he says. “You’ll be fine. Besides, aren’t you happy to be in San Diego?”

Right. He thinks I can handle everything. Which I mostly do. But that’s not the point. And, actually, I’ve already concluded being here is just my regular life with better weather.

“Her meds are working…” He looks at me, then looks away.

I nod even though he’s doesn’t see me. I have to agree with that point. Mom does seem, well, almost normal. Still, much too soon to know if it’s going to last. Besides, truthfully, normal isn’t an option for her. Much as I’d like it to be. Much as I dream it should be.

Here’s Karen:

THE LOOPERS CLUB/Janet Wellington/Middle Grade series

This is a strong first page, filled with wonderful little details and phrases (like “Count your blessings not your troubles” and “Just in case”) that really come together to form a complete picture. We know that the main character’s father is going on some sort of mission, and the main character is being left along with a mentally unstable mom. I love the line of dialogue “Her meds are working…” because up until that point, we don’t know that the mom is in the picture, let along unstable. With this one short line of dialogue, we get so much information! And I’m very curious to read more, because we also get the sense that there is a history of the mom causing problems for the dad and the main character.

One concern I have is the tone of the story—that is, this has more of a YA feel than middle-grade. I don’t know if it’s because the topic of a mentally unstable mom lends itself more to a YA story, or if the main character just sounds a bit older. And this could resolve itself on the second page/going forward. But I’d watch out for tone throughout. Also, we don’t know if the main character is a boy or a girl. Perhaps add in a name (“Everything’s going to be fine, INSERT NAME HERE,”) to clarify. And I’m curious to see how this will become a series.

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Darlene Beck Jacobson      CRAZY                           YA novel

“Necessity never made a good bargain.”  Benjamin Franklin – Poor Richard’s Almanac 1733

            What did I want?  I wanted to be left alone.

I once saw this documentary on PBS about a guy who lived all alone in the wilderness of Alaska for thirty years doing everything himself, right down to building his house and fireplace, growing his food and hunting and fishing for the rest.  He’d get a bush plane visit twice a year for basic provisions and mail, but other than that, he was on his own.  He made the film of his life in the wilderness.

I couldn’t even begin to imagine what that might be like.  Alone.  No parents breathing down my neck about grades, chores, getting a summer job or asking too many personal questions.  No kid sister and her goofy friends following me around and sending me annoying text messages.  No girlfriend to cut my heart open with a dull knife and walk away laughing with the captain of the lacrosse team.  What would I give to live by myself, with no one to hassle me?

I’d give up video games for a year.  No cell phone for a month.  No computer for a…week?   Okay, two weeks.  No green food forever.  That last one was actually not a hardship since I hated the sight – and taste – of green vegetables. Anyway, I think I could tough it out for a few weeks even if it meant sacrificing a few conveniences.

After the crazy school year I had working my ass off to make the Honor Roll, looking for part time work, and trying to keep Ellie Jaspers happy, I just wanted to be left alone.

Ellie and I met last summer at the pool club and hit it off right away.  We’d spent last summer swimming, flirting and hanging out nearly every day at poolside.  Her family had just moved to town and she didn’t have many friends yet, so it was a no brainer for us to be together.

Here’s Karen:

Darlene Beck Jacobson      CRAZY                              YA novel

The first thing I noticed about this page is that it seems to start three times. That is, you have the first line, a quote from Ben Franklin. Then you have a question/answer line. So we know right off the bat that the main character wants to be alone. And then you have this great description of a PBS documentary. I really love this; it draws the reader right in and makes us want to immediately understand how this documentary relates to the main character. And since this is the strongest start, I’m thinking this may be the best way to begin. The other two lines seem almost like false starts.

I would also scale back a bit on some of the exposition about being alone. Paragraph three, “I’d give up video games…” seems a little unnecessary. And I wonder if paragraph two—the fact that he has a sister that annoys him, he’s an honor roll student, and had a girlfriend that broke up with him, etc., could be conveyed in a different way. Maybe try to continue the documentary lead-in in some way. Explain how that spoke to him, how he envisioned himself living alone in the wilderness—not so much in the way that he would live without all the things (like computers and phones) but what he would get out of it, why it would make him happy (maybe even why it would help him to forget about Ellie?).

I definitely want to continue reading, to find out why the reader so desperately wants to be alone, what happened to him that was so traumatic that he wants to be by himself, what this girl did to him that ruined his life. Overall, this is a nice start!

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BETTER LIVES by Eric Steinberg  Genre: YA sci fi

When Gil and Lew came to my dorm room with the idea of stealing the physics final, I normally wouldn’t have considered such a dumbass move. It wasn’t that I had any moral objections to cheating or stealing. An “A” in one class, even Jeffrey Taylor’s, just wasn’t worth the risk of being kicked out of prep school. But these were special circumstances. I had opportunity, thanks to Gil and Lew. I had motive, thanks to a shitty semester with Mr. Taylor. And I had an ace-in-the-hole, thanks to hooking up with pretty, but already-getting-on-my-nerves, fifteen year-old Heather in Mr. Taylor’s classroom.
By the time I reached our physics teacher’s small Cape Cod, the no-longer-falling snow had become a problem. Not only was I leaving footprints in the fresh powder, but the annoying white stuff also clung to the branches. Sweetening the already cloying charm of Maple Street’s tidy cottages, it made me want to puke.

After stealing the broom from next door’s porch, I slipped to the back of Mr. Taylor’s house. Gil was waiting for me.
“Door’s locked.” His breath was visible in the cold.
“I’ll open it,” I said.

Gil gave me a classic Gilbert and Lewis dull look. The two of them might as well have been brothers, both with Nordic good looks, several inches over six feet…and not too bright.
“I’ll open it,” I repeated, handing him the broom. I took out my tension wrench and wide-tipped pick.
Gil’s jaw went slack. “I’ve seen this shit on TV, Marc. You’re going to pick it?”
“Yeah, if you shut up and let me concentrate for a minute.”
The doorknob turned loosely in my hand. Broken, so, I’d only the deadbolt to deal with.

Here’s Karen:

BETTER LIVES by Eric Steinberg  Genre: YA sci fi

This is really fundamentally an action-filled first scene, so I’d want this to open with dialogue rather than three paragraphs of exposition. Let’s jump right into the scene, see what the main character, Marc, is doing, follow him along.

You have some very nice description—of the snow, of how cold it is, of how Marc is going to pick a broken lock. You’re painting a strong picture. But I’d also want to see a little more about Marc’s motive for breaking into the teacher’s home. For example, why would hooking up with Heather lead to him stealing a test? I’m not quite making the connection there.  Also, it’s mentioned (above) that this is YA sci-fi, and I’m curious about that, since I’m not getting a sense of a sci-fi element from the first page. (Perhaps that comes in after they break in the house?)

I think, with tweaking this to start with the dialogue, this is a strong first page.

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Genre: Contemporary Middle Grade Novel – Wendy Greenly

The rest of the world is asleep.

I know some doctors and police and other people work at night, and they’re out there somewhere, but sitting on my bed, holding my flashlight, I feel like no one else is awake. This is my favorite time of day. Night.

I rule the night, as much as any ten-year old boy can without fangs or claws or any other cool creature-of-the-night superpowers.  As long as I’m quiet, I have the house to myself. Sometimes I watch TV, sometimes I play computer games, but either way I have to turn the volume down so low I can’t really enjoy the crashes and explosions.

When I need to be quiet, I read books and a bunch of stuff online. So far this year I’ve taught myself Klingon and Esperanto, so I’ll be ready in case earth is invaded by space aliens.

Some nights the best entertainment comes from real-life silent movies I watch from my bedroom window. Like tonight, the lady next door is bathing her cat in the kitchen sink. Or trying to. Every time the lady pries one of the cat’s legs off the faucet and puts it in the water, the cat pulls back and wedges itself between the faucet and the wall. Just as I get really into it, betting which will give up first, the cat leaps over the lady’s head and disappears into the darkness. The lights click off. Show’s over.

I get up to stretch my legs. On my way down the hall I stick my head in my brother Webster’s room. He’s asleep, curled up next to his favorite stuffed toy, a long squishy python he named Skeezer. Webster is only five-years-old and he still sleeps four or five hours a night. I can barely remember what that was like.

I zigzag my way downstairs, dodging the squeaky floorboards by memory, heading toward the kitchen. It’ll be breakfast in a couple hours but I’m hungry. Now.

Here’s Karen:

Genre: Contemporary Middle Grade Novel – Wendy Greenly

Nice first sentence! It really elicits a question for the reader—if everyone is asleep, then what is the narrator doing awake? Going on to the next few paragraphs, though, I get a bit lost and don’t quite know where this is going. While you have some strong images here (I particularly like the “real-life silent movies” and “dodging the squeaky floorboards by memory”), I’m wondering if these next few paragraphs are necessary. Do readers need to know everything he does at night? Perhaps condense this information in favor of moving more quickly to the mention of the brother.

I love this introduction of Webster. What strikes me is that he’s “only” five and he “still” sleeps “four to five hours a night.” This is intriguing and gives the reader something to really think about. Something is definitely “off” with these brothers, and I do want to find out what that is! Why doesn’t the main character sleep? And why is his brother able to? And why, at the very end, does the main character need to eat…”Now.” The way this is phrased seems like it is very important, and perhaps it ties in with his lack of sleeping.

All in all, I would definitely read on to find out just what, exactly, is going on.

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Thanks Karen for taking the time to share your expertise with us.  It is really appreciated. I hope it helps the writers out there and helps you receive better submissions.

Talk tomorrow,

Kaathy

I would like to thank everyone who submitted first pages this month. If your first page was not critiqued, please do not think it was due to your writing. The committment with Leila was to critique four first pages and there were many more than that submitted. It was very generous of editor Leila Sales of Viking Books for taking the time out of her busy schedule to read and critique the March First Page Picture Prompts. I also want to thank Kris Aro McLeod for providing the picture inspiration this month.

Falling Stars by Eileen Balesteri

The flashing red lights outside the old, abandoned building made Lena’s heart sink. The structure had always been an eyesore in the neighborhood, but over the past few weeks, it had served as a shelter to Lena and her little sister, Evie.

Lately, more and more houses on their once, cheerful street were turning from happy homes to foreclosed prototypes of broken dreams.

Squatting in an abandoned building had not been part of Lena’s life plan. But, everything changed the night her RA knocked on her dorm room door with the emergency call about her parents.

From that day on, Evie would be her responsibility.

She turned and looked down the block to the dark house with the “bank-owned” sign that used to be theirs–and then forward to the burning building that was their present home.

As she watched the flames lick the outside of the chimney, all she could do was hope that the others got out okay. They must have run, because she didn’t see any of them around. Not even Terrence…which was strange, since he always took charge when things got scary. Maybe he’d gone looking for them.

She gripped her little sister’s hand, grateful they had not been inside when it started.

“What’s going on, Lena? I’m tired. You said I could sleep when we got back from the dumpsters!”

“Just let me think for a minute, Evie.”

The blankets she had put out to air on the fence behind the building should still be there. If she could just get around the police and fire trucks to the back yard, they’d at least have something to keep them warm for the night.

“Evie. Follow me, and don’t say a word. Just copy everything I do.”

Squatting down to keep out of sight, they inched along the fence behind the overgrown shrubs and tall, dead weeds leading to the back.

FALLING STARS

The author does a good job quickly and unobtrusively telling us who Lena and Evie are, how old Lena is, and what the girls’ relationship is. There’s some immediate suspense from wondering 1) what happened toLena’s parents? 2) who are Terrence and “the others,” and what is their connection toLena? 3) how did this building catch on fire? The reader will want to keep going to find out the answers to these questions.

There’s some overwriting here that would be funny if this were a humorous story, but in a serious story it comes off as melodramatic. For example: “Lately, more and more houses on their once, cheerful street were turning from happy homes to foreclosed prototypes of broken dreams.”

My immediate response to the premise is that I have trouble believing a girl could go from college to homeless so quickly. I would expect Lena and Evie to have family and friends from their old life, when their parents were alive, who would be looking out for them in some way. But, as an editor, I would keep reading this story to see if Lena’s quick slide into poverty was done in a believable way o