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By: scriberess,
on 12/7/2015
Blog:
A. PLAYWRIGHT'S RAMBLINGS
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ZOO DIARY
SCENE: A small zoo. Preparing for the holiday performance. At rise: The residents of the zoo are practicing for the annual holiday performance. It's the last dress rehearsal before the actual production and chaos reigns supreme.
ZEBRAHello? Everyone? May I have your attention, please? There is far too much cacophony among the performers. I can't hear myself think! Not you my dear...you embody the true thespian soul
CROW 1(laughing while watching from a tree)Uh-oh...zebra says there's too much
caca-phony around here. The elephants have been using the toilets, again
CROW 2(laughing hysterically)Oh Cyril - you're so witty!
ZEBRAYou mean, witless. Now where were we? Oh yes...we were discussing your acting abilities, my dear.
FEMALE ZEBRAYou think I have talent? My acting coach has offered to give me private lessons
ZEBRAWould your coach anyone I would know? Perhaps we could work together to maximize your performance
FEMALE ZEBRAThat's a very kind offer but 'CH' swore me to secrecy. He doesn't want the whole world calling him and begging for private tutoring> He's a very private person
ZEBRATotally understandable, my dear. Know exactly where he's coming from. I too separate myself from the lesser...well...talent-challenged among us
(ZEBRA admires his frame from all angles, in a full-length mirror)
(
cont'd. ZEBRA) 'Perfection!' (
whispering) You can share the name of your acting coach with me. There is a professional code of silence among zebra directors that is adhered to. You said his initials were CH? Hmmmm....not familiar with any coaches with those initials...
FEMALE ZEBRAHe calls himself cheetah
(ZEBRA reacts with horror)
ZEBRACheetah...you did say
cheetah? Does this cheetah...would this coach live, perchance, in a cage in this very zoo?
FEMALE ZEBRAHe would! How did you know? He said that his style of coaching requires getting down to the bare bones of acting
ZEBRA(
horrified)
My dear, naïve, zebra! Forget about - um - coach cheetah. I, myself, shall take you on as a client, gratis, and as a cost to myself (aside to himself)
...wait 'til I get my hands on cheetah...' What am I saying? Let's just say, my dear, that his reputation and taste for zebras is well developed. Why don't you go over there in the corner and study your lines
FEMALE ZEBRAIf you say so. "I think I hear Santa!....I think I hear Santa....I think I hear Santa...'
ZEBRAOkay...actors - places please! Mr. Squeeze - please tear yourself away from rat? We don't want a repeat performance of last year's incident
MR. SQUEEZEI was just trying to show him some love
RAT(
gasping for breath)
Surrre! Remember the squirrel incident? We lost our Santa Claus on account of you
MR. SQUEEZEWe're good friends! Right rat? Who ever heard of a squirrel playing Santa Claus, anyway?
ZEBRA(admiring himself in the mirror and fixing his cravat)
'You handsome devil! Your stripes don't do you justice. 'kiss-kiss....' For the record and given our budget, which is half of last year's, which was next to nothing, he was the only one who could fit into the Santa suit. Who will play the old elf this year?
(a chicken jumps down from the branch of a tree)
CHICKENI would like to volunteer my services for the cause
MR. SQUEEZE(
slithering up close to chicken)
Great idea! And my contribution will be to offer my help We can go over your lines in my den
ZEBRANot! Thank you for your...offer but I'm sure chicken can remember "ho-ho-ho..." Now if you will put on the suit, we can start our rehearsal
CHICKENIt's a little tight...jacket won't...fit...over my...breast bone...
CHEETAHPerhaps I can fix that problem ...
MR. SQUEEZE...my particular qualities can definitely fix that...
(both cheetah and MR. SQUEEZE inch closer to the chicken)
ZEBRAStop where you are, both of you! We will make do with what we have. Please put on the red hat and black shiny boots and get on the sled. The children are arriving
CHICKEN(
smoothing his feathers and pulling the jacket over his breast)I'm very nervous.. This is my first acting job
CHEETAHDon't worry my friend. I'll be watching close by...in case you forget your lines, of course
ZEBRAPlaces people! Mr. Squeeze - you're not in the first scene
MR. SQUEEZEJust helping chicken get over his nerves. Everyone needs a hug
NEXT TIME: THE SHOW MUST GO ON...MAYBEOpen the curtains and let the play begin!
INTERMISSION
SCENE: WOMEN'S WASHROOM IN THEATRE
AT RISE: FEMALES LINE UP TO USE BATHROOM
FEMALE 1
Line is really long...hope we have enough time
FEMALE 2
(turning around)
Sorry?
FEMALE 1
I was just commenting that there's a lot of women waiting to get in and only a 15 minute intermission
FEMALE 2
When 'ya gotta go - 'ya gotta go, right?
FEMALE 1
(moving anxiously from foot to foot)
Don't I know it - and I really have to! Go, I mean
FEMALE 2
It usually picks up and moves faster when they near the end of the intermission
FEMALE 1
Hope so... Do you notice how the guys seem to be able to do what they have to do in three minutes?
FEMALE 2
That's cause they don't have as much clothing to remove and don't stare at the mirror or fix their makeup
FEMALE 1
Once in dire desperation, I used the men's washroom. I had to. I pushed the door open, screamed 'is anybody there 'cause I'm coming in!'
FEMALE 2
What happened?
FEMALE 1
I held my head down and didn't dare glance at the urinals. Went in a cubicle, slammed the door and never urinated so fast in my life! Thank goodness there was nobody in there, as far as I knowThe line is moving but barely. C'mon people - move quicker!
FEMALE 3
(behind both of them)
Don't mean to interrupt but there's another bathroom located downstairs. Everyone seems to gravitate to this one for one reason or another
FEMALE 1
Thanks for the suggestion but if I'll lose my place if I check it out and I don't know if it's an improvement on this.
(ASIDE TO FEMALE 2) Perhaps if you would hold my place...?
FEMALE 2
Don't think that's a good idea. If you end up returning, they'll attack me figuring you're trying to cut in the line. You have to decide which is the better option
FEMALE 1
All I know is that I really gotta pee!
FEMALE 2
Even if I let you in front of me, it's not much of an improvement
FEMALE 1
It's better than nothing and I would be most appreciative. Things are really getting desperate!
FEMALE 2
I suppose I could...I mean, I've been where you have....
FEMALE 1
Oh thank you, thank you!
(FEMALE 1 moves in front of FEMALE 2)
(CONT'D. FEMALE 1) Almost there...just a few more to go...
(moving back and forth from foot-to-foot)
FEMALE 1
(to female in front of her)
'...such a long line up...oh dear and intermission is almost over... Really, really, have to go...you would do that for me? You're too kind...thank you...'
(FEMALE 1 moves up the line)
FEMALE 1
(to herself)
A person has'ta do what a person has'ta do...the flush of victory is at hand...
THE WAIT
SCENE: A BUSY SUPERMARKET.
AT RISE: A LONG LINE UP OF PEOPLE WAIT TO PAY FOR THEIR GROCERIES.
FEMALE CUSTOMER
(to herself)
Would you believe how slow this cashier is? I probably could check out myself faster
MALE CUSTOMER BEHIND HER
They should open more cashes
FEMALE CUSTOMER
Sorry?
MALE CUSTOMER
They need more cashiers. Can’t open more cashes without cashiers. Only three on a holiday weekend doesn’t do it
FEMALE CUSTOMER
So true. I mean, you would think that they would have thought of that. I hate waiting
MALE CUSTOMER
Who likes it
(female customer searches the line ups)
FEMALE CUSTOMER
I just moved over here from the other line. This one looks like it was moving faster but now the other one is better. Always happens. Wherever I move, the other lines are faster
MALE CUSTOMER
From what I can see, there are hardly any people in the first cash
(they both look over to check it out)
FEMALE CUSTOMER
That’s only for eight items or less. I’ve got a lot more than that
MALE CUSTOMER
Maybe they would take you being that they’re so busy everywhere
FEMALE CUSTOMER
Don’t like to take advantage, not to mention that the customers with just a few items get really upset when you try to push in with a full shopping cart. Can't say I blame them. Tried that a while back and everyone turned on me. “Are you blind?” they all yelled, pointing to the 8 items or less sign accompanied by insults. Wasn’t worth it – very embarrassing. Anyway, I’d lose my place here in line. Hey…you wouldn’t be trying to move up faster in the line here…
MALE CUSTOMER
Just trying to be helpful
FEMALE CUSTOMER
Why don’t you try your luck at the first cash? Maybe you'll be luckier
MALE CUSTOMER
I’ll wait my turn. You were complaining
FEMALE CUSTOMER
Actually, I was talking to myself and you overheard me
MALE CUSTOMER
Sorry to butt in your private conversation with yourself
FEMALE CUSTOMER
Merely pointing out to myself that they need more cashiers
MALE CUSTOMER
And I agreed. No ulterior motive intended
FEMALE CUSTOMER
Sorry - I tend to get impatient in line ups. Here we want to give them our hard-earned cash and we have to wait to hand it over. Not that I would ever want to be a cashier...
(Throws her head back and looks at ceiling)
FEMALE CUSTOMER
Would you believe? Now they’re counting cash! This means another five minute delay at least
MALE CUSTOMER
Nothing we can do about it
FEMALE CUSTOMER
Why, why does this always happen to me? Why couldn’t they have waited until they finished checking out my food items first?
MALE CUSTOMER
A conspiracy for sure. Relax – getting all worked up won’t make things work faster
(answers his cell phone)
FEMALE CUSTOMER
On top of it all, they’ve put new cashiers on a day like today. I mean, really. Okay, they have to learn but today? Good - finished their cash count. Only one person in front of us, now. Should be out of here in five…maybe ten minutes at the most, for sure. I’ll just get ready to place my items here on the counter…they have some good specials today… I don’t believe it!
MALE CUSTOMER
Something wrong?
FEMALE CUSTOMER
Would you believe? There’s no price on some of her items and now they have to do a price check! That’s gonna put us back an extra ten minutes for sure. Is there no end to keep us customers waiting forever? (addresses customer in front of her) ‘Excuse me, but why didn’t you check your items before throwing them into your shopping cart? We've been waiting here for over fifteen minutes, y’know! Some of us have things to do, places to go.’
(male customer moves over to new cash that opens up)
(cont’d.) Hey! I was in front of you
MALE CUSTOMER
You were and now I’m in front of you, first in line. You snooze – you lose. Patience is a virtue
ZOO DIARY 11
SCENE: CITY ZOO. MORNING
The zoo opens to visitors. The animals in the zoo, which has fallen on hard times, make the usual animal sounds that visitors expect them to make
CHILD Look mom – a zebra! How many stripes do you think it has?
MOMWho knows. A lot for sure
CHILD A trillion? Can I feed him, mom?
MOMWe don’t feed zoo animals, sweetie
CHILD But…there’s a machine here with zebra food. All you have to do is put in some money and food falls out
MOMLet’s see...five dollars to feed a zebra? Um…perhaps another time
CHILD But mom – we only come here once in a while. He looks like he’s hungry. His bones are sticking out on his side
MOMFive dollars is a bit too much, sweetheart. Why don’t we go see the other animals
ZEBRAUm…excuse me, lady. May I interject here?
CHILDLook! The zebra speaks like we do
MOMDon’t be silly. Zebras don’t talk…
CHILDBut…I heard it with my own ears
MOMThere’s probably a speaker hidden somewhere in the cage. Zebras don’t talk. Let’s move along…
ZEBRAThey do when the situation is desperate. May I have your ear for a moment?
MOMOkay. You got me. Is it on the zebra itself?
(she searches the cage)
ZEBRA
Really – there are no speakers. We’ve always had this ability but kept it quiet because that’s what humans expect of zebras. However, recent circumstances call for emergency measures and this qualifies as one. Why don’t you give your son five dollars for the feeding machine?
MOMI’ll bite. This is one of those TV shows where you catch people off guard, right? I’m not forking over five dollars because it’s too much money. Got that, TV people?
ZEBRASee…thing is – the zoo has fallen on hard times and consequently has cut back on the amount of food it feeds us. Look at my rib cage. Mere skin and bones. I’m starving! The last time I had a meal was breakfast yesterday. Give the kid five bucks. Please! Unless you want the slow but certain demise of a zebra on your conscience
MOM(laughing)
What next? When will the program be on, anyway? We might be on TV, sweetie!
ZEBRA(shaking its head sadly)
Yeah – you’re right on. There’s somebody manipulating my mouth. The producer is telling me now that they need some visuals of you putting money in the machine and feeding me for the show
MOMSurrrre!
(opens purse, takes out five dollars and enters it in the slot. She smiles broadly)
I’ll go along. See? Putting five dollars in the machine. Here honey – feed the zebra
(boy feeds food to the zebra who gobbles it up immediately)
What’s the name of the TV show, anyway?
ZEBRA‘Desperation’ but you might find it difficult to find in your TV listings.
MOMWe’ll look for it. Let’s go see the cheetahs now, honey
(the mother and her child move along. A rat enters the zebra cage)
RATSo how’d it go?
ZEBRAManaged to get something to stave off my hunger pangs for a couple of hours but it was a hard sell, let me tell you!
RATDid you do your usual tap dance routine or stand there staring at them and looking pathetic?
ZEBRANeh. Told them they were part of a TV show and that the producers wanted images of them feeding me
RATYou didn’t tell me we were gonna be on TV. Going to spread the word to the rest of the animals. What’s the name of the program, anyway?
ZEBRANot really…I only said that… Desperation. The name of the show is Desperation
RATDesperation?
ZEBRAIndeed
By: scriberess,
on 9/10/2014
Blog:
A. PLAYWRIGHT'S RAMBLINGS
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SCENE: ANGIE'S APARTMENT.
ANGIE scans the telephone directory
ANGIE
Good I kept this old phone directory. Let's see here... H....J...N...What would he be listed, under? Duh! I'm so dense! Logically, has'ta be under boat building. If only I could remember the name of his company. The Ark Store? Try that. Good a name as any. Nope - not listed. How about...Arks for All... This is ridiculous. They're a gazillion possibilities. Maybe he gave up his land phone, which would make this search an exercise in futility. Should have been nicer to him. I mean, he is old and all and meant well I suppose...and he did introduce me to a decent guy even though it didn't work out...What did I do in return in the way of thanks? Told him to take his ark and...
Phone rings. ANGIE answers
ANGIE
Hello?
She hears heavy breathing
ANGIE (cont'd.)
Anybody there?
Still more heavy breathing
ANGIE
Do we have us a pervert, here? Really, your type are so obvious. Disgusting, vile, dregs of the earth...
NOAH
Guess who?
ANGIE
...sewer slime... Noah? That you?
NOAH
Bad cold...
(he sneezes and coughs)
ANGIE
Good that you stopped me. I was about to direct some very bad language at what I thought was one of those heavy breather pieces of garbage that pollute the earth...
NOAH
(sneezes)
I understand you were trying to reach me?
ANGIE
I misplaced your number and was trying to touch base with you again, but how did you know?
NOAH
(coughing)
Let's just say that - (sneezes) -
ANGIE
...bless you...
NOAH
I am that. As I was saying...I have connections. What's up?
ANGIE
I've been thinking things over and - well - perhaps I've been too rash in my judgement of your project
NOAH
(coughing and blowing his nose)
As I recall in our last conversation, you made it clear that you didn't want to hear from me ever again
ANGIE
That was then. This is now. Sometimes my mouth gets the better of me and things roll out of my mouth that I don't mean
NOAH
As in?
ANGIE
Not giving you the benefit of the doubt and questioning your authenticity. I should have trusted in you but nooooo... Instead I gave you your walking papers or in this case, your sailing papers...
NOAH
Are you trying to say you've re-considered helping me rebuild the ark?
ANGIE
You got it - if you'll have me
NOAH
How do I know that you won't lose interest like before. Time is marching on and bad weather is just around the corner.
ANGIE
Let's just say that I've come to the realization that there are more important things in life than finding mister right
NOAH
(sneezing repeatedly)
No time like the present to get back to work.
ANGIE
Where do we start?
NOAH
There are some conditions, though
ANGIE
I knew it was too good to be true
NOAH
Nothing that you can't handle
ANGIE
Like?
NOAH
Your duties will include keeping the interior of the ark clean, when it's built of course
ANGIE
You have to be joking. All those animals...
NOAH
I'm not finished. You will also have to play the roll of peace maker
(NOAH sneezes)
ANGIE
Bless you!
NOAH
I am
ANGIE
But...there are so many species. How do I communicate with them?
NOAH
Darn if I know but I have every confidence you'll find a way. Time is marching on and there's a lot to do. I'll send Roger to come pick you up
ANGIE
Would this be the male representation to me? I better wash my hair...and pick my wardrobe to take with me...don't want to give a first bad impression...
NOAH
Really - Roger doesn't care about those things
ANGIE
Has he seen a photo of me, perchance?
NOAH
I did show him the one that we took together. Roger never forgets a face
ANGIE
Oh really?
NOAH
I'm sending him over to pick you up. He should be there in ten minutes.
ANGIE
Hello...? Noah...? Better get dressed for the occasion. Want to make a good impression
(Ten minutes later the doorbell rings. ANGIE opens the door)
ANGIE (cont'd)
Just a minute...com-ing! I've heard so much about you...
(Angie opens the door and jumps back)
ANGIE (cont'd.)
You're...Roger?
(TO BE CONTINUED)
By: scriberess,
on 5/3/2012
Blog:
A. PLAYWRIGHT'S RAMBLINGS
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SCENES FROM LIFE: A SHORT PLAYETTE
A FISH TALE
by Eleanor Tylbor
As is the case with many people, many years ago when the kids were young, we were fish raisers. It started out with your average, run-of-the-mill goldfish swimming circles in a bowl and slowly over the years graduated into tropical fish. We had a very nicely appointed aquarium replete with a diver blowing bubbles, which the fish ignored totally. In spite of all the none-ending care we gave them including many water solutions and fish vitamins, they left us for fishy heaven. Let's just say that given their size, it was a one-flush funeral.
This got me thinking as to how we bid goodbye to our fishy friends. Perhaps it should be something like this:
SCENE: A FUNERAL PARLOR. A MAN WALKS IN HOLDING A SMALL BOX. HE APPROACHES THE FUNERAL REPRESENTATIVE
FUNERAL REP.
Hello sir. May we at the Friends of the Family extend our sincere condolences to the family at this time of loss
FISH OWNER
Thank you. It's been a very difficult time for the family
FUNERAL REP.
We understand and it's our goal to make this as easy and painless as possible
FISH OWNER
Very much appreciated. It's just...so hard to say goodbye to them
(takes out a handkerchief, blows his nose and wipes his eyes)
FUNERAL REP.
Feel free to express your grief. You'll feel better for it
FISH OWNER
I know...
FUNERAL REP.
May we meet the dearly departed so that we can plan his...
FISH OWNER
...her
FUNERAL REP
Her trip to the great spirit in the sky. When did she pass?
FISH OWNER
Last night. We never saw it coming
FUNERAL REP
We never do. May I meet the dearly departed?
FISH OWNER
She doesn't look the same.
FUNERAL REP
We have to remember them in the good times
FISH OWNER
I guess so. She was fine when we went to bed. When we woke up, we found her on the table. She won't need a big hole
FUNERAL REP
Space is no problem...
FISH OWNER
...or coffin. She's a tiny thing
FUNERAL REP
May I see her?
FISH OWNER
(opening the bag and taking out a plastic container)
Sure...
(Man takes container out and opens top)
FUNERAL REP
A fish? I mean, she looks so...shrivelled and tiny
FISH OWNER
She was a Japanese fighting fish. Nice to look at but not a good disposition. Felicia lived in a tank all by herself. Couldn't stand another fish We bought her a dozen friends and she tore them apart. Cat almost got her a few times too. She was one fast swimmer, our Felicia!
FUNERAL REP
How sad. We better make preparations quickly. I see one eye fell out. Don't take this the wrong way but why didn't you - you know - give her a one flush funeral
FISH OWNER
My wife said the same thing. "Just flush the damn fish!" she told me but I couldn't. I mean, she's become a member of the family. So what type of fish coffins do you have?
FUNERAL REP
To be honest, this is the first time somebody brought in a fish for burial. We really don't have a coffin small enough.
(Funeral director takes out a silver box from his pocket)
Would you consider using this silver match container? It's the perfect size
FISH OWNER
Does it have a lock on it? I mean, I wouldn't want any cats to dig her up
FUNERAL DIRECTOR
(illustrating)
Look - a clasp to keep it closed. Now how about the music Is there any particular song you'd like us to play?
FISH OWNER
Hadn't thought about that. Can you suggest any?
FUNERAL DIRECTOR
The on
SCENES FROM LIFE: A SHORT PLAYETTE
THE MISSING SOCK DILEMMA
SCENE AT THE POLICE STATION: a woman walks in a police station, a large plastic bag in her hand. Person walks to the front desk.
POLICE OFFICER
Can I help you?
WOMAN
I want to report a robbery
POLICE OFFICER
Do you want to file a report?
WOMAN
You bet!
POLICE OFFICER
What type of a robbery? A break-in your house?
WOMAN
No
POLICE OFFICER
A purse snatching?
WOMAN
No - none of those.
(she dumps bag of socks on to the counter/front desk)
POLICE OFFICER
Um...I'm sorry?
WOMAN
So am I. Believe me
POLICE OFFICER
What's going on?
WOMAN
I'll tell you what's going on. Somebody is stealing socks!
POLICE OFFICER
Come again?
WOMAN
Somebody, I don't know who, is stealing socks from my clothes dryer. This pile of socks here are all "one-sies." They are all alone in the world without a mate
POLICE OFFICER
I see...Perhaps - and I'm just saying - you somehow missplaced them?
WOMAN
You sound just like my husband. He tells me the same thing but I know somebody is stealing them! Thing is - there are no windows in my laundry room
POLICE OFFICER
Well then - perhaps - and I'm just guessing - they dropped out when you were sorting them
WOMAN
I'm always very careful to empty the dryer and check and double-check that there's nothing left in there. So? Are you going to make a report?
POLICE OFFICER
Um - it's very unusual to make a report on missing socks
WOMAN
(picking up socks)
Look at these - brand new socks missing a mate. This is an accumulation of one-sies over the last five year period.
POLICE OFFICER
(laughing)
You sound just like my wife. She complains about the same thing. Believes that the socks are sucked into the dryer exhaust and then through pipes
WOMAN
Aha! Your house too, huh? It's my belief that there's a gang of sock thieves working dryer pipes and re-selling them to people who are trying to match their missing socks.
POLICE OFFICER
I don't think so.
WOMAN
So where do YOU think they go? Huh?
POLICE OFFICER
I really can't say...often wondered that myself...(laughing) Maybe it's alien abductions
WOMAN
Officer - I am not crazy. I am a woman who is sick and tired of having to buy new socks, only to see them stolen within a few weeks.
POLICE OFFICER
To be honest m'am - we don't have officers with expertise in sock bandits and we're short on staff...
WOMAN
So you're not going to do anything about it?
POLICE OFFICER
Afraid not. Look - I understand your situation and I don't have any answers
(another person approaches the front desk, bag in hand)
OFFICER
Can I help you?
MAN
I'm hoping so.
(empties bag of socks on desk)
I'd like to report missing socks...
WOMAN
(jumping in)
...you too? I'm here for the same thing.
OFFICER
Why don't you two go...somewhere and compare your sock collection? Between the two of you, you just may make some pairs!
WOMAN
Well...it's worth a shot!
(gathering up socks and putting them in bag and walking out of the door)
So...how long have your socks gone missing?
MAN
Ever since the alien abduction...
By: scriberess,
on 11/4/2011
Blog:
A. PLAYWRIGHT'S RAMBLINGS
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SCENES FROM LIFE: A short playette
THE COFFEE DILEMMA
SCENE: A WELL-KNOWN FAST-FOOD OUTLET BEGINNING WITH LETTERS “Mc”. A MAN AND WOMAN STAND IN LINE, WAITING TO PLACE THEIR ORDER WITH COUNTER PERSON
HE
Whad’ya taking? The usual?
SHE
(examining menu choices)
Not sure...
HE
You always end up taking number five
SHE
Well...I just might be daring and opt for something different for a change
HE
I’ll stick to the usual. The Big M. So?
SHE
What’s the rush? I haven’t decided yet...
HE
It’s our turn (to COUNTER PERSON) ‘Number 8’
COUNTER PERSON
The full meal?
HE
Yup.
COUNTER PERSON
(keying in order)
Soft drink with that?
HE
Right. So? (to SHE) What’s it gonna be?
SHE
O-kay...I’ll take...
HE
...let me guess. Number 5
SHE
So what? At least chicken breast is a healthier choice. Too much beef is bad for your heart
HE
Is that a fact? Then I guess you won’t be taking the full meal ‘cause it has fries. Right?
SHE
A few fries now and then don’t hurt.
HE
Okay. She’ll have the full meal, fries included...
SHE
...and a coffee
SERVER
(stunned look on her face)
So you want a soft drink AND coffee?
SHE
No. Just a coffee please
SERVER
That won’t work.
SHE
Why not?
SERVER
The full meal comes with a soft drink.
HE
Can’t you replace the soft drink with a coffee?
SERVER
Uh-uh. If you want a coffee, then you can’t have the full meal. That’s the way it works
SHE
What? Never heard of that!
SERVER
I’ll have to order each item, separately
HE
That makes no sense, whatsoever, not to mention cost more
SHE
I mean, we could keep it between the two of us. We wouldn’t have to tell the computer. Really – it will never know
SERVER
You can order a full meal WITH a medium soft drink AND a coffee. That’s okay
SHE
What? But...I can’t drink all that liquid! I’ll float
HE
Just say yes and we’ll throw away the soft drink.
SHE
No – this is like...soooo stupid. All I want – all I need – is a coffee. Periiod
SERVER
But you can have a small coffee AND a soft drink
SHE
What type of crappy rule is that? Just like your dumb no refills on tea rule.
(manager is watching the server and listening to conversation)
HE
Our food is getting cold. Please make the necessary adjustment
SERVER
(very unnerved)
I’ve...never had this happen...before. I’m going to have...to...speak with someone. If you take a meal...you have to have a soft drink...
(she starts to turn around and is confronted with manager. They have an animated conversation)
Um...my manager says you can have coffee instead of a soft drink.
SHE
Oh goodie!
(COUNTER PERSON computes total. HE checks bill)
HE
You’ve over-charged us by a dollar
COUNTER PERSON
Really? Let me see the bill... You’re right. Now I’m going to have to place the order all over again. So that would be a full meal Big M...a full meal chicken breast...two soft drinks...
SHE
Coffee...
SCENES FROM LIFE: A SHORT PLAY-ETTE
THE LIPSTICK LADY
SCENE: COSMETIC SECTION AT WALMARTS. WOMAN CUSTOMER IS STANDING IN FRONT OF LIPSTICK DISPLAY COUNTER, EXAMINING LIPSTICKS.WOMAN CUSTOMER
(softly to herself)
What is it with cosmetic companies and their love affair with the color pink? I can’t wear pink and I’m sure a lot of other people can’t wear it either!
(picks up lipstick tube, removes cover to examine color)(cont’d.) Blech! It’s supposed to be beige and it’s good, old pink again! Pink...pink...and more pukey pink!
(OLDER HEAVY-SET FEMALE (OHSF) with light blond hair and her face covered with heavy make-up, pushes her shopping cart into woman customer’s heels)WOMAN CUSTOMER
Ow!
(OLDER HEAVY-SET FEMALE ignores her and attempts to push in front of display counter)WOMAN CUSTOMER
You ran into my heel with your shopping cart
OHSF
You should have moved
WOMAN CUSTOMER
Say what? I was here first
OHSF
I need room
WOMAN CUSSTOMER
(
giving OLDER HEAVY SET FEMALE the once-over)
That’ obvious. You could apologize – that would be the polite thing to do
OHSF
I could – but I’m not. Now if you’ll move...
WOMAN CUSTOMER
Not! I’m looking for lipsticks here. When I’m finished, you may have my place, eventually
OHSF
So how long d’ya think you’re gonna be?
WOMAN CUSTOMER
Who knows! Maybe five minutes...maybe half an hour. Depends
OHSF
Depends on what?
WOMAN CUSTOMER
Whether you apologize
OHSF
That’s blackmail. You’re not a nice person
WOMAN CUSTOMER
I’m not a nice person? You run into my heels and refuse to say, “sorry” and I’m not nice?
OHSF
This is ridiculous. Okay. My carriage accidentally ran into your heels. Okay- happy now?
WOMAN CUSTOMER
That’s not an apology! That’s a confession
OHSF
Take it or leave it
WOMAN CUSTOMER
It just so happens I’ve finished looking here. You may move in
OHSF
‘Oh thank you, thank you!’ Do you want me to get down on my hands and knees and kiss your boo-boo and make it better? Weirdo...
(WOMAN CUSTOMER moves shopping cart and she watches OLDER HEAVY SET FEMALE out of corner of her eye)OHSF
So lemme see here. Hmmmm...this looks like a nice shade. Nice and red but how does it smell
(OLDER HEAVY SET FEMALE lifts tube up to her nose and inhales deeply for five seconds)(cont’d). Crappy scent!
WOMAN CUSTOMER
You-you put the tube to your nose and smelled it!!
OHSF
That’s what a person does to smell
WOMAN CUSTOMER
That is like....soooo disgusting! How could you? People try on that lipstick!
OHSF
So?
WOMAN CUSTOMER
Nose germs not to mention nose hair! Thinking about it makes me gag Tell me you don’t have a cold sore
OHSF
And if I did? Anyway, I don’t like the smell of this brand anyway (replaces tube) Happy now?
WOMAN CUSTOMER
And you put back the lipstick?
OHSF
What did you want me to do with it?
WOMAN CUSTOMER
Give it to a sales clerk or something. Just don’t replace it
OHSF
Why don’t you move down to another counter or something so you don’t have to see me
SCENES FROM LIFE
At the Pharmacy - The Lineup part III
SCENE: A PHARMACY. A LINE UP OF PEOPLE WAIT TO PAY FOR ITEMS. A MAN AND A WOMAN IN THEIR 60'S STANDS IN LINE, A SHOPPING CART FILLED WITH TOILET PAPER AND KLEENEX/TISSUES.
CASHIER
Sorry - only two packages per customer.
(m/w have a discussion and analyze the situation
CASHIER (cont'd.)
Tell you what - I could make two bills, which will allow you to buy the items there
(another animated discussion lasting more than a minute between man and the woman. Woman waits while man gets shopping cart and travels up and down the aisle buying still more items before heading for cash)
CUSTOMER BEHIND MAN/WOMAN
(aside to cashier while watching couple unload the new items on the counter)
How long will this take d'ya figure?
CASHIER
Not too long...I hope
CASHIER (aside to couple)
I'll have to cancel this bill and make up two new one's
CUSTOMER BEHIND MAN/WOMAN
Why? Just make up one new bill for them.
CASHIER
(gesturing to items in cart)
Can't do that. They added more items
CUSTOMER BEHIND MAN/WOMAN
So now we have to wait until you cancel one bill and then make up two new one's? Some people have absolutely no consideration for the rights of others!
ANOTHER CUSTOMER BEHIND CUSTOMER
Do you believe this?
(MAN removes items from shopping cart)
MAN
I changed my mind. I don't want this after all
CUSTOMER BEHIND MAN/WOMAN
Say what?
CASHIER
Uh-oh...that means...
CUSTOMER BEHIND MAN/WOMAN
Please - don't say it - don't tell me you have to cancel the bill, again
ANOTHER CUSTOMER BEHIND CUSTOMER
This is incredible!
CASHIER
(to man/woman)
Are you sure that's it, now?
(WOMAN stare
SCENES FROM LIFE: A SHORT PLAYETTE
AT THE HAIRDRESSER PART 4
SCENE: A SMALL HAIR SALON. FEMALE CLIENT (FC) ENTERS, GOES TO THE BACK OF SALON WHERE HAIR STYLIST, PEGGY, IS WASHING HAIR
FEMALE CLIENT (FC)
I know I’m early. See you’re busy there...
HAIR STYLIST
I’ll be ready for you in fifteen minutes
FC
Should I waste some time next door at the pharmacy?
HAIR STYLIST
Why - you need something?
FC
My cosmetic collection always needs refreshing. Maybe a new lipstick...
HAIR STYLIST
Okay. Be back in ten minutes
FC
I’ll be back before then. If I hang around there too long, the store clerks start looking at me funny
(starts to leave – stops to greet MARY, another hair stylist)
‘Hi Mary! How y’a doin’?’
MARY
(blowing a client’s hair dry)
Hot! That’s how I’m doing! The friggin' air conditioner isn’t working! Must be a hundred degrees, probably more, in here!
FC
Sorry I asked...
(FC leaves and upon returning, sits on couch)
(cont’d. FM1)
God is it hot outside!
MARY
Damned right and the damned air conditioner is as useless as tits on a bull!
FC
I get the picture. Since you so eloquently brought it to my attention, how come it’s so hot in here? It’s usually freezing
MARY
Like I said...
FC
...because ‘the friggin' air conditioner isn’t working!’ Has the boss called somebody to fix it?
MARY
Are you kidding? That would cost money! Shit! Look at me! I’m dripping wet!
PEGGY
Ohmygawd. Mary – you’re even sweating through your pants! Gross! And in the wrong place, too!
MARY
Oh gee thanks! Maybe I should just do hair in my underwear!
PETER (another hair stylist)
Don't encourage her! She will!
PETER'S CUSTOMER
That would be interesting!
FC
It’s like there’s no oxygen in the air. Really hot in here
PETER
We’ve got it at number six – that’s the highest. The system needs cleaning
FC
So why doesn’t your boss have it cleaned
PETER
Because it cost money!
FC
But in the end, it’ll cost him more money if he doesn’t maintain the system!
PETER
You know that, and I know that, but he’s too cheap!
MARY
Shit! I can’t take this heatttttt! Put down the temperature some more
PETER
If I do that – the whole system will break down. Would that be better?
PEGGY
It’s the hair dryers. They make it hot, too. Then the door opening and closing...
FC
It’s not really that bad...I mean, it’s bearable
PEGGY
Wait ‘til you have a towel and plastic poncho around your neck for a while!
MARY
Somebody do something before I scream!
(goes to small fridge and grabs bottle of cold water and gulps it down)
PEGGY
Okay – I’m leaving you my curling iron while I’m away on vacation. What else do you need?
MARY
Cold friggin' air!
PC
(laughing)
Mary does have a way with words, doesn't she!
PEGGY
I mean, aside from that? Any other equipment you want to borrow?
MARY
How long you going for?
PEGGY
You know how long - two whole weeks! Can’t wait!
MARY
Maybe you should re-consider. You never know - when you come back, we might not have a boss anymore if somebody doesn’t cool this place down!
(softly to Pegg
THE LINE UP II - a short playette for a short encounter
By Eleanor Tylbor
SCENE: Supermarket. 8-items-or-less line, where three people are waiting to check out items. A female with a shopping cart attempts to go through
FEMALE
Um - excuse me?
Male in front appears not to hear her so she speaks a little louder
FEMALE
Excuse me! I'd like to pass?
Male glances at her, then quickly away
FEMALE attempts to go by but is unable, due to the man blocking her
FEMALE
The aisle is wide and I'm thin, but not enough to squeeze by. If you don't mind - could you move to the side?
the other two customers gladly move against the counter to allow the shopping cart & female to pass. Male mumbles something unintelliglble, pointing to the door
FEMALE
Look - I had to pee. Okay? I parked my shopping cart outside the door and now I have to get through here to shop. So if you'll step aside...
MALE
Go out and around!
FEMALE
Pardon? You expect me to take my cart, go outside and re-enter when all you have to do is move towards the side, which will take a mere 10 seconds? Not!
the two shoppers move against the counter, again to allow the cart to pass
FEMALE
I don't believe this!
MAN STANDING AT COUNTER NEARBY
Me neither! I've been watching the guy. Misery!
FEMALE
Are you going to let me by or not?
MAN stands defiantly in middle of checkout aisle
FEMALE stands leaning on shopping cart, glaring at man who up until this point has been taking his time packing his things in bags.
FEMALE
(as MAN moves by her)
You are just too kind and what a gentleman! I'll make sure to remember your face in case you want the same courtesy.
MAN STANDING NEARBY AT COUNTER
Oh he's a real nice guy, alright!
As MALE passes, FEMALE shopper moves her shopping cart forward and somehow rolls a wheel over his foot
FEMALE
Oh no! How clumsy of me! Just one foot, though. You still have another! And now to go shop for food...
By: scriberess,
on 5/15/2011
Blog:
A. PLAYWRIGHT'S RAMBLINGS
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Haven't decided yet whether or not to continue this into a longer piece or perhaps even a one-act play. There are two characters, one of which can be seen and the other off-stage as a voice-over.
ARKS TO GO - the Flood Sequel
BY ELEANOR TYLBOR
SCENE: A WOMAN STARES OUT OF WINDOW. TURNS AROUND AND GRABS PHONE DIRECTORY FROM A TABLE. CHECKS LISTINGS WITH FOREFINGER.
WOMAN
This is just ridiculous...all this rain... It’s gotta mean something... Aha! Found it!
(punches in phone number)
WOMAN (cont’d.)
Hello... Hello? Is anybody there? Anyone?
VOICE
I’m here – and where are you?
WOMAN
Is this Noah’s Ark?
VOICE
It could be. Who wants to know?
WOMAN
I saw your ad on TV yesterday. You build arks?
VOICE
Whom am I speaking to or with or at?
WOMAN
You don’t know me...
VOICE
...but you know me? How strange
WOMAN
I mean to say that I know you through your TV ads, not on a one-to-one basis
VOICE
That would explain it, then. Noah’s my name and arks are my game (laughs)
WOMAN
Good then I’ve got the right person. Listen...
VOICE
You know my name so it’s only fair I know yours
WOMAN
I’m not sure...I mean, I’m just calling you for information, actually
VOICE
Do I sense uncertainty on your part? Perhaps you really don’t want to build an ark?
WOMAN
I think I do...I’m just not sure... You see – it’s all this rain that we’ve been having. Never ending, day-after-day and then there’s all that flooding all over the world. I think somebody is trying to tell us something if you get my drift
VOICE
‘Get my drift’ and you want to build an ark. You made a witty statement. I like a sense of humor!
WOMAN
So you’ll sell me one?
VOICE
Sell? My dear – I don’t sell arks. I custom build them to certain specifications
WOMAN
That sounds expensive. How much do you charge?
VOICE
Not everything has a monetary value. Now...say I do agree to make you an ark, how many species are we talking about here?
WOMAN
I’m...not sure what you mean
VOICE
How many species will be joining you on the ark? Fifty...one-hundred...more perhaps?
WOMAN
To be honest, I hadn’t thought about – well – taking... species along. Just me, my cat Diamond and Clover, my dog
VOICE
You’re not...taking...any animals? Oh no! That won’t do at all. We couldn’t have that. Absolutely not! Good bye!
WOMAN
Hello? Hello? Noah? Are you there?
(she punches in buttons frantically)
WOMAN (CONT’D.)
Just what I need, to piss off the ark builder... It’s ringing... ‘Answer – please!’
VOICE
Yes?
WOMAN
It’s me again! I’m sorry! You never mentioned anything in the ad about taking animals along! I mean, I’m allergic....
VOICE
I see...
WOMAN
...but I could take antihistamines. Please – could you take my order to build my ark?
VOICE
Perhaps. How many species will be joining you?
WOMAN
I dunno. How about two dozen? Would that be acceptable? I mean, twenty-four is a good round number
VOICE
A hundred is better
WOMAN
A hundred? Animals? What’s the matter with me? We’re only talking about cats and dogs and chipmunks and maybe birds...some deer...
VOICE
Actually, I thinking more of elephants, tigers, zebras – specie
SCENES FROM REAL LIFE
A SHORT PLAYETTE: THE COFFEE CUP
SCENE: WELL-KNOWN COFFEE SHOP/CHAIN. MAN RETURNS WITH TWO MUGS, ONE FILLED WITH COFFEE AND THE OTHER WITH BOILED WATER FOR TEA
MAN
(placing mug on table)
Here's your boiled water
(woman peers into cup and stares for 5 seconds)
MAN
Aren't you going to drop in your teabag? The water's gonna get cold and you know how you are about the water being boiling hot
WOMAN
I have a problem
MAN
What now? Is the water not hot enough?
WOMAN
The water is dirty
MAN
You're kidding!
WOMAN
No - really! Look inside. There are black thingies floating around
(man lifts mug and peers inside)
WOMAN
...and the rim of the mug is dirty. Who do they use to wash their dishes? A cat's tongue?
MAN
You're right - there are thingies floating around. You go bring it to their attention. It's your water
(there is a small line-up of people waiting to be served. Woman waits at end of line holding mug of water. Woman in front turns around looks at mug and then at woman)
WOMAN
Dirty water
CUSTOMER
Oh...too bad...
WOMAN
Look - thingies floating inside
CUSTOMER
(peering into mug)
Yup - I see them, too. Look - why don't you move in front of me. You should be first since you were already served
WOMAN
Thank you. It's just so...blechy to get a dirty mug.
CUSTOMER
Why don't you ask them for a paper cup?
WOMAN
That's okay for coffee but for tea, one must have a china mug
CUSTOMER
It's your turn now...
WOMAN
(to person serving coffee)
The water has thingies floating in it and the mug is dirty. Check it for yourself.
CUSTOMER
She's right. Check it out! Really - you guys should wash your cups better
(SERVER TAKES MUG FROM WOMAN, LOOKS INSIDE, THROWS HER A DIRTY LOOK, EMPTIES WATER AND RE-FILLS MUG. WOMAN TAKES IT FROM SERVER AND CHECKS WATER AND MUG)
WOMAN
This looks okay
SERVER
Dishwasher is broken
WOMAN
Then don't use real china mugs! I mean, really... If you had told me in advance, I would have settled for coffee today and used paper.
SERVER
Of course. You're right. I should have known better... If your water is clear now, there are a lot of people waiting to be served
WOMAN
(turning to people in line)
'Their dishwasher is broken! Stick to paper cups!'
WOMAN
(aside to server)
Have a great day. Tea in paper cups - what next...
By: scriberess,
on 1/28/2011
Blog:
A. PLAYWRIGHT'S RAMBLINGS
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SCENES FROM REAL LIFE
A SHORT PLAYETTE: "LOTTERY TICKET"
SCENE: CUSTOMER ENTERS SMALL CONVENIENCE STORE
CUSTOMER
(looking around at shelves)
Hmmmm...
(CONVENIENCE STORE OWNER LOOKS UP FROM READING HIS NEWSPAPER FOR A SPLIT SECOND AND CONTINUES READING)
CUSTOMER
Uh-huh....hmmmmmm...
STORE OWNER
Can I help?
CUSTOMER
I'm not sure...I don't see what I'm looking for
STORE OWNER
What is it that you're looking for?
CUSTOMER
Potato chips
STORE OWNER
(glancing over to the chip display)
We have lots of chips - good flavors, too!
CUSTOMER
Yes but...
STORE OWNER
...but?
CUSTOMER
You don't appear to have my flavor
STORE OWNER
And your flavor would be...?
CUSTOMER
Dill pickle with chives
STORE OWNER
Are you sure? We have a good variety...
CUSTOMER
- but no dill pickle with chives, though
STORE OWNER
You're the first person who has ever asked for that flavor
CUSTOMER
But maybe not the last! You should check into it
STORE OWNER
Perhaps...maybe try another flavor this time?
CUSTOMER
Neh! Gotta be -
STORE OWNER
- I know - dill pickle and chives. What about smoky bacon? That's popular with everyone
CUSTOMER
Neh...
STORE OWNER
Okay...I'll check into it for you
CUSTOMER
(approaching counter)
I'd like a lottery ticket
STORE OWNER
That I have. Which one?
CUSTOMER
The one that has a $50 million dollar jackpot
STORE OWNER
Uh-huh - everyone is buying them like crazy, today
CUSTOMER
Why should I be different? Now the big question is should I allow the computer to choose the numbers or should I pick them...
STORE OWNER
Why not buy two - let the computer choose one set of numbers and you choose the other
CUSTOMER
I suppose I could do that... Actually and between you and me - I don't trust the computer. I think they fix it so that certain areas have winners
STORE OWNER
Well this store ain't one of them!
CUSTOMER
(anxious)
You mean...you've never had a winner, here?
STORE OWNER
(quick to respond)
Of course we have. Not a major winner but winners - lots and lots of winners
CUSTOMER
Good. Then give me five
STORE OWNER
You trusting the computer?
CUSTOMER
Yup. Too lazy to fill in the numbers besides they've never come in.
STORE OWNER
But they could one day and you... I mean, of course, that's a good idea
(he presses the computer buttons and pulls out the strip of paper with numbers)
Good luck, lady! If you win - I win, too!
CUSTOMER
Don't hold your breath...there goes another ten buckeroonies. By the way, don't forget to ask about the dill pickle and chives
STORE OWNER
Of course. You never know who will want this flavor that I never heard of
CUSTOMER
Live and learn, I always say
(customer exits)
SCENES FROM REAL LIFE
A SHORT PLAY-ETTE: "HAIRDRESSER"
SCENE: HAIRDRESSER SALON. IT'S A UNI-SEX SALON SERVING BOTH FEMALE AND MALES. A FEMALE CLIENT IS SITTING IN THE CHAIR AS A STYLIST BLOWS HER HAIR DRY. THE STAFF IS OF GREEK HERITAGE
CLIENT
Hi there! Know I'm early.
HAIRDRESSER
Hi sweetie. Be with you soon.
CLIENT
D'ya want me to waste time until you take me? I can wander around the pharmacy next door. Need a few things anyway...how long should I take? Five minutes?
HAIRDRESSER
Make it 10 - no 20...
CLIENT
Sure. Can't stay there longer, though. Last time I was getting some wierd looks like I was a prospective shop lifter.
(female client returns 10 minutes later)
HAIRDRESSER
Another five minutes, okay sweetie?
CLIENT
Fine. Quiet today, huh?
PETER (MALE STYLIST)
Been quiet all week
CLIENT
People aren't making appointments for the holidays?
PETER
(glumly)
Very quiet...
HAIRDRESSER
Okay sweetie. Come sit in the chair. I'm ready for you, now.
CLIENT
Same color like always
HAIRDRESSER
Eyebrows too?
CLIENT
Yup
HAIRDRESSER
I don't know why you want to dye them. There's hardly anything there.
CLIENT
(chuckling)
Geez - thanks. You sure know how to make a customer feel good!
HAIRDRESSER
I meant, of course, that you hardly have any grey in your eyebrows
CLIENT
True...but sometimes a few sneak through
HAIRDRESSER
You could just pluck them
CLIENT
Much easier to color them and besides, I end up taking off chunks of skin with the hairs. Nothing like walking around with red scabs on your eyebrows
(CLIENT is sitting in chair, reading magazine with hair covered in dye)
HAIRDRESSER
Haven't had a full cigarette all day
CUSTOMER
Healthier for you. Progress - the magazines are up to the year 2009 now.
HAIRDRESSER
I'll be back. Need some nicotine in my blood
(Hairdresser leaves salon to smoke. Stella, another hairdresser, sits in chair next to customer. Other hairdresser returns from her nicotine break and cuts the hair of a male customer)
STELLA
Did you notice how thin blank-blank (name of hairdresser) is?
CLIENT
She's lost a lot of weight... 'Hey blank-blank (HD) - how come you lost so much weight?'
HAIRDRESSER
I dunno. Nerves I guess - and hard work. Been busy and sometimes I skip meals
CLIENT
Not a healthy practice. Wow - I never saw you so skinny. Sure you're okay? I mean, no health problems?
STELLA
She's too thin! She should gain some weight!
HAIRDRESSER
I eat healthy, that's why I'm slim - not skinny! Don't eat junk food
STELLA
(who is on the plump side)
Me neither - and look at me! It's just not fair! I watch what I eat and even work out 5 days at the gym and still I don't lose a pound! Some people are soooo lucky!
CLIENT
Why don't you try writing down everything you eat for a day or two? Maybe you don't even realize. You have to watch portion size
STELLA
I do, I do! Look at me! It's just so unfair! Blah-blah on the other hand is too skinny, don'chu think? She doesn't have a bum anymore or boobs
HAIRDRESSER
Are you two talking about me?
CLIENT
We're discussing your weight loss, girl!
STELLA
You gotta gain weight! Really!
CLIENT
Where is Stavros (salon owner)?
STELLA
He went to Ikea to buy a stand so we can make real coffee. Send a man to get something and he takes hours to make a choice. Who knows what he'll come back with
CLIENT
(looking around)
I don't see a coffee maker, here. Since when did you get one?
STELLA
He's hidin
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