THE COFFEE QUANDARY
SCENE: COFFEE SHOP. A HALF-DOZEN PEOPLE LINE UP TO ORDER COFFEE. PERSON ENTERS AND LINES UP, ALONE, NEXT TO THE EXISTING LINE.
COFFEE DRINKER 1
Hello? We're all waiting to be served, too
(COFFEE DRINKER 2 IGNORES COFFEE DRINKER 1)
(CONT'D.) COFFEE DRINKER 1
'Scuse me but he line begins and ends here. Feel free to join us - at the back
COFFEE DRINKER 2
I only want to order a coffee! Nothing else
COFFEE DRINKER 1
Me too!
COFFEE DRINKER 2
You would make me go to the back of the line for just one cup of coffee?
COFFEE DRINKER 1
Why not? That's why we're here but we wait our turn!
(COFFEE DRINKER 2 reluctantly and slowly moves to back of line, talking to people in line as she walks, shaking her head)
COFFEE DRINKER 2
This is so dumb! One lousy coffee that would take less than thirty seconds to order. Ridiculous!
COFFEE DRINKER 1
Not really. A line up is a line up is a lineup. We all gotta abide by the rules. I mean, what would the world be like without structure. Utter chaos. Right people?
COFFEE DRINKER 3
Y'know...I'm not in a rush. You can go before me
(steps aside to allow coffee drinker 2 to move up)
COFFEE DRINKER 4
Me too. Gotta lotta time to kill
COFFEE DRINKER 1
Thank you so very much for backing me up, people! This is a perfect example why the world is in the condition it's in. Nobody cares! Rules are the glue that solidifies civilization!
COFFEE DRINKER 3
Give her a break! You're in front so why do you care?
COFFEE DRINKER 1
That's not the point, my friend. Why do I care you ask? I care because we must retain some semblance of order in society. There are societal rules that are accepted norms and lining up and waiting our turn to be served is one of them. Can you imagine - and I'm sure it would never happen because you people seem civilized - if everyone pushed in and demanded to be served? There would be chaos!
COFFEE DRINKER 2
It's a coffee! That's it! Nothing to go along with it. No danish or pastry or anything that will take more time.
COFFEE DRINKER 1
That's what you say now but how do we know we can believe you?
COFFEE DRINKER 3 AND OTHERS LINING UP
"I believe her..."
COFFEE SHOP SERVER
Can I serve anyone over here?
(people rush over to the other line. COFFEE DRINKER 2 waves and smiles at COFFEE DRINKER 1)
COFFEE DRINKER 1
I tried. Can't teach everyone to have manners. 'A large regular coffee - in a china mug, please'
SERVER
Only paper cups. Our dishwasher is broken
COFFEE DRINKER 1
Say what? You expect civilized people like me to...to drink coffee out of a paper receptacle? This is absolutely unacceptable. Wash one out by hand, for goodness sake!
SERVER
Look over there. See the big pile of dishes in the sink? You expect me to wash out a mug for you? I think not!
COFFEE DRINKER 1
Do I have a choice - but don't expect me to enjoy it!
(COFFEE DRINKER 1 takes paper cup and looks for a table. She sees COFFEE DRINKER 2 seated by herself at the only available table)
COFFEE DRINKER 1
Excuse me...but would you mind if I join you? In my discussion with the coffee server person regarding the non-availability of china coffee mugs, it appears all the chairs and tables are taken. You would think that they would keep extra mugs on hand for people who can't tolerate drinking their beverage out of paper.
COFFEE DRINKER 2
Well...now. How about that. Go figure. There is justice in this world. Why don't you line up and wait for someone to vacate a table.
COFFEE DRINKER 1
But that could take a long time. You on the other hand, are all alone
COFFEE DRINKER 2
I like my space
(COFFEE DRINKER 3 approaches the table)
COFFEE DRINKER 3
Do you mind if I join you?
COFFEE DRINKER 2
Be my guest.
ASIDE TO COFFEE DRINKER 1: Like you said, there are rules and waiting our turn is one of them. I think I just may order another one...or maybe two...
INTERMISSION
SCENE: WOMEN'S WASHROOM IN THEATRE
AT RISE: FEMALES LINE UP TO USE BATHROOM
FEMALE 1
Line is really long...hope we have enough time
FEMALE 2
(turning around)
Sorry?
FEMALE 1
I was just commenting that there's a lot of women waiting to get in and only a 15 minute intermission
FEMALE 2
When 'ya gotta go - 'ya gotta go, right?
FEMALE 1
(moving anxiously from foot to foot)
Don't I know it - and I really have to! Go, I mean
FEMALE 2
It usually picks up and moves faster when they near the end of the intermission
FEMALE 1
Hope so... Do you notice how the guys seem to be able to do what they have to do in three minutes?
FEMALE 2
That's cause they don't have as much clothing to remove and don't stare at the mirror or fix their makeup
FEMALE 1
Once in dire desperation, I used the men's washroom. I had to. I pushed the door open, screamed 'is anybody there 'cause I'm coming in!'
FEMALE 2
What happened?
FEMALE 1
I held my head down and didn't dare glance at the urinals. Went in a cubicle, slammed the door and never urinated so fast in my life! Thank goodness there was nobody in there, as far as I knowThe line is moving but barely. C'mon people - move quicker!
FEMALE 3
(behind both of them)
Don't mean to interrupt but there's another bathroom located downstairs. Everyone seems to gravitate to this one for one reason or another
FEMALE 1
Thanks for the suggestion but if I'll lose my place if I check it out and I don't know if it's an improvement on this.
(ASIDE TO FEMALE 2) Perhaps if you would hold my place...?
FEMALE 2
Don't think that's a good idea. If you end up returning, they'll attack me figuring you're trying to cut in the line. You have to decide which is the better option
FEMALE 1
All I know is that I really gotta pee!
FEMALE 2
Even if I let you in front of me, it's not much of an improvement
FEMALE 1
It's better than nothing and I would be most appreciative. Things are really getting desperate!
FEMALE 2
I suppose I could...I mean, I've been where you have....
FEMALE 1
Oh thank you, thank you!
(FEMALE 1 moves in front of FEMALE 2)
(CONT'D. FEMALE 1) Almost there...just a few more to go...
(moving back and forth from foot-to-foot)
FEMALE 1
(to female in front of her)
'...such a long line up...oh dear and intermission is almost over... Really, really, have to go...you would do that for me? You're too kind...thank you...'
(FEMALE 1 moves up the line)
FEMALE 1
(to herself)
A person has'ta do what a person has'ta do...the flush of victory is at hand...
SCENES FROM LIFE: A short playette
THE COFFEE DILEMMA
SCENE: A WELL-KNOWN FAST-FOOD OUTLET BEGINNING WITH LETTERS “Mc”. A MAN AND WOMAN STAND IN LINE, WAITING TO PLACE THEIR ORDER WITH COUNTER PERSON
HE
Whad’ya taking? The usual?
SHE
(examining menu choices)
Not sure...
HE
You always end up taking number five
SHE
Well...I just might be daring and opt for something different for a change
HE
I’ll stick to the usual. The Big M. So?
SHE
What’s the rush? I haven’t decided yet...
HE
It’s our turn (to COUNTER PERSON) ‘Number 8’
COUNTER PERSON
The full meal?
HE
Yup.
COUNTER PERSON
(keying in order)
Soft drink with that?
HE
Right. So? (to SHE) What’s it gonna be?
SHE
O-kay...I’ll take...
HE
...let me guess. Number 5
SHE
So what? At least chicken breast is a healthier choice. Too much beef is bad for your heart
HE
Is that a fact? Then I guess you won’t be taking the full meal ‘cause it has fries. Right?
SHE
A few fries now and then don’t hurt.
HE
Okay. She’ll have the full meal, fries included...
SHE
...and a coffee
SERVER
(stunned look on her face)
So you want a soft drink AND coffee?
SHE
No. Just a coffee please
SERVER
That won’t work.
SHE
Why not?
SERVER
The full meal comes with a soft drink.
HE
Can’t you replace the soft drink with a coffee?
SERVER
Uh-uh. If you want a coffee, then you can’t have the full meal. That’s the way it works
SHE
What? Never heard of that!
SERVER
I’ll have to order each item, separately
HE
That makes no sense, whatsoever, not to mention cost more
SHE
I mean, we could keep it between the two of us. We wouldn’t have to tell the computer. Really – it will never know
SERVER
You can order a full meal WITH a medium soft drink AND a coffee. That’s okay
SHE
What? But...I can’t drink all that liquid! I’ll float
HE
Just say yes and we’ll throw away the soft drink.
SHE
No – this is like...soooo stupid. All I want – all I need – is a coffee. Periiod
SERVER
But you can have a small coffee AND a soft drink
SHE
What type of crappy rule is that? Just like your dumb no refills on tea rule.
(manager is watching the server and listening to conversation)
HE
Our food is getting cold. Please make the necessary adjustment
SERVER
(very unnerved)
I’ve...never had this happen...before. I’m going to have...to...speak with someone. If you take a meal...you have to have a soft drink...
(she starts to turn around and is confronted with manager. They have an animated conversation)
Um...my manager says you can have coffee instead of a soft drink.
SHE
Oh goodie!
(COUNTER PERSON computes total. HE checks bill)
HE
You’ve over-charged us by a dollar
COUNTER PERSON
Really? Let me see the bill... You’re right. Now I’m going to have to place the order all over again. So that would be a full meal Big M...a full meal chicken breast...two soft drinks...
SHE
Coffee...
SCENES FROM LIFE: A SHORT PLAY-ETTE
THE LIPSTICK LADY
SCENE: COSMETIC SECTION AT WALMARTS. WOMAN CUSTOMER IS STANDING IN FRONT OF LIPSTICK DISPLAY COUNTER, EXAMINING LIPSTICKS.WOMAN CUSTOMER
(softly to herself)
What is it with cosmetic companies and their love affair with the color pink? I can’t wear pink and I’m sure a lot of other people can’t wear it either!
(picks up lipstick tube, removes cover to examine color)(cont’d.) Blech! It’s supposed to be beige and it’s good, old pink again! Pink...pink...and more pukey pink!
(OLDER HEAVY-SET FEMALE (OHSF) with light blond hair and her face covered with heavy make-up, pushes her shopping cart into woman customer’s heels)WOMAN CUSTOMER
Ow!
(OLDER HEAVY-SET FEMALE ignores her and attempts to push in front of display counter)WOMAN CUSTOMER
You ran into my heel with your shopping cart
OHSF
You should have moved
WOMAN CUSTOMER
Say what? I was here first
OHSF
I need room
WOMAN CUSSTOMER
(
giving OLDER HEAVY SET FEMALE the once-over)
That’ obvious. You could apologize – that would be the polite thing to do
OHSF
I could – but I’m not. Now if you’ll move...
WOMAN CUSTOMER
Not! I’m looking for lipsticks here. When I’m finished, you may have my place, eventually
OHSF
So how long d’ya think you’re gonna be?
WOMAN CUSTOMER
Who knows! Maybe five minutes...maybe half an hour. Depends
OHSF
Depends on what?
WOMAN CUSTOMER
Whether you apologize
OHSF
That’s blackmail. You’re not a nice person
WOMAN CUSTOMER
I’m not a nice person? You run into my heels and refuse to say, “sorry” and I’m not nice?
OHSF
This is ridiculous. Okay. My carriage accidentally ran into your heels. Okay- happy now?
WOMAN CUSTOMER
That’s not an apology! That’s a confession
OHSF
Take it or leave it
WOMAN CUSTOMER
It just so happens I’ve finished looking here. You may move in
OHSF
‘Oh thank you, thank you!’ Do you want me to get down on my hands and knees and kiss your boo-boo and make it better? Weirdo...
(WOMAN CUSTOMER moves shopping cart and she watches OLDER HEAVY SET FEMALE out of corner of her eye)OHSF
So lemme see here. Hmmmm...this looks like a nice shade. Nice and red but how does it smell
(OLDER HEAVY SET FEMALE lifts tube up to her nose and inhales deeply for five seconds)(cont’d). Crappy scent!
WOMAN CUSTOMER
You-you put the tube to your nose and smelled it!!
OHSF
That’s what a person does to smell
WOMAN CUSTOMER
That is like....soooo disgusting! How could you? People try on that lipstick!
OHSF
So?
WOMAN CUSTOMER
Nose germs not to mention nose hair! Thinking about it makes me gag Tell me you don’t have a cold sore
OHSF
And if I did? Anyway, I don’t like the smell of this brand anyway (replaces tube) Happy now?
WOMAN CUSTOMER
And you put back the lipstick?
OHSF
What did you want me to do with it?
WOMAN CUSTOMER
Give it to a sales clerk or something. Just don’t replace it
OHSF
Why don’t you move down to another counter or something so you don’t have to see me
SCENES FROM LIFE: A SHORT PLAYETTE
AT THE HAIRDRESSER PART 4
SCENE: A SMALL HAIR SALON. FEMALE CLIENT (FC) ENTERS, GOES TO THE BACK OF SALON WHERE HAIR STYLIST, PEGGY, IS WASHING HAIR
FEMALE CLIENT (FC)
I know I’m early. See you’re busy there...
HAIR STYLIST
I’ll be ready for you in fifteen minutes
FC
Should I waste some time next door at the pharmacy?
HAIR STYLIST
Why - you need something?
FC
My cosmetic collection always needs refreshing. Maybe a new lipstick...
HAIR STYLIST
Okay. Be back in ten minutes
FC
I’ll be back before then. If I hang around there too long, the store clerks start looking at me funny
(starts to leave – stops to greet MARY, another hair stylist)
‘Hi Mary! How y’a doin’?’
MARY
(blowing a client’s hair dry)
Hot! That’s how I’m doing! The friggin' air conditioner isn’t working! Must be a hundred degrees, probably more, in here!
FC
Sorry I asked...
(FC leaves and upon returning, sits on couch)
(cont’d. FM1)
God is it hot outside!
MARY
Damned right and the damned air conditioner is as useless as tits on a bull!
FC
I get the picture. Since you so eloquently brought it to my attention, how come it’s so hot in here? It’s usually freezing
MARY
Like I said...
FC
...because ‘the friggin' air conditioner isn’t working!’ Has the boss called somebody to fix it?
MARY
Are you kidding? That would cost money! Shit! Look at me! I’m dripping wet!
PEGGY
Ohmygawd. Mary – you’re even sweating through your pants! Gross! And in the wrong place, too!
MARY
Oh gee thanks! Maybe I should just do hair in my underwear!
PETER (another hair stylist)
Don't encourage her! She will!
PETER'S CUSTOMER
That would be interesting!
FC
It’s like there’s no oxygen in the air. Really hot in here
PETER
We’ve got it at number six – that’s the highest. The system needs cleaning
FC
So why doesn’t your boss have it cleaned
PETER
Because it cost money!
FC
But in the end, it’ll cost him more money if he doesn’t maintain the system!
PETER
You know that, and I know that, but he’s too cheap!
MARY
Shit! I can’t take this heatttttt! Put down the temperature some more
PETER
If I do that – the whole system will break down. Would that be better?
PEGGY
It’s the hair dryers. They make it hot, too. Then the door opening and closing...
FC
It’s not really that bad...I mean, it’s bearable
PEGGY
Wait ‘til you have a towel and plastic poncho around your neck for a while!
MARY
Somebody do something before I scream!
(goes to small fridge and grabs bottle of cold water and gulps it down)
PEGGY
Okay – I’m leaving you my curling iron while I’m away on vacation. What else do you need?
MARY
Cold friggin' air!
PC
(laughing)
Mary does have a way with words, doesn't she!
PEGGY
I mean, aside from that? Any other equipment you want to borrow?
MARY
How long you going for?
PEGGY
You know how long - two whole weeks! Can’t wait!
MARY
Maybe you should re-consider. You never know - when you come back, we might not have a boss anymore if somebody doesn’t cool this place down!
(softly to Pegg
By: scriberess,
on 1/28/2011
Blog:
A. PLAYWRIGHT'S RAMBLINGS
(
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SCENES FROM REAL LIFE
A SHORT PLAYETTE: "LOTTERY TICKET"
SCENE: CUSTOMER ENTERS SMALL CONVENIENCE STORE
CUSTOMER
(looking around at shelves)
Hmmmm...
(CONVENIENCE STORE OWNER LOOKS UP FROM READING HIS NEWSPAPER FOR A SPLIT SECOND AND CONTINUES READING)
CUSTOMER
Uh-huh....hmmmmmm...
STORE OWNER
Can I help?
CUSTOMER
I'm not sure...I don't see what I'm looking for
STORE OWNER
What is it that you're looking for?
CUSTOMER
Potato chips
STORE OWNER
(glancing over to the chip display)
We have lots of chips - good flavors, too!
CUSTOMER
Yes but...
STORE OWNER
...but?
CUSTOMER
You don't appear to have my flavor
STORE OWNER
And your flavor would be...?
CUSTOMER
Dill pickle with chives
STORE OWNER
Are you sure? We have a good variety...
CUSTOMER
- but no dill pickle with chives, though
STORE OWNER
You're the first person who has ever asked for that flavor
CUSTOMER
But maybe not the last! You should check into it
STORE OWNER
Perhaps...maybe try another flavor this time?
CUSTOMER
Neh! Gotta be -
STORE OWNER
- I know - dill pickle and chives. What about smoky bacon? That's popular with everyone
CUSTOMER
Neh...
STORE OWNER
Okay...I'll check into it for you
CUSTOMER
(approaching counter)
I'd like a lottery ticket
STORE OWNER
That I have. Which one?
CUSTOMER
The one that has a $50 million dollar jackpot
STORE OWNER
Uh-huh - everyone is buying them like crazy, today
CUSTOMER
Why should I be different? Now the big question is should I allow the computer to choose the numbers or should I pick them...
STORE OWNER
Why not buy two - let the computer choose one set of numbers and you choose the other
CUSTOMER
I suppose I could do that... Actually and between you and me - I don't trust the computer. I think they fix it so that certain areas have winners
STORE OWNER
Well this store ain't one of them!
CUSTOMER
(anxious)
You mean...you've never had a winner, here?
STORE OWNER
(quick to respond)
Of course we have. Not a major winner but winners - lots and lots of winners
CUSTOMER
Good. Then give me five
STORE OWNER
You trusting the computer?
CUSTOMER
Yup. Too lazy to fill in the numbers besides they've never come in.
STORE OWNER
But they could one day and you... I mean, of course, that's a good idea
(he presses the computer buttons and pulls out the strip of paper with numbers)
Good luck, lady! If you win - I win, too!
CUSTOMER
Don't hold your breath...there goes another ten buckeroonies. By the way, don't forget to ask about the dill pickle and chives
STORE OWNER
Of course. You never know who will want this flavor that I never heard of
CUSTOMER
Live and learn, I always say
(customer exits)
SCENES FROM REAL LIFE
A SHORT PLAY-ETTE: "HAIRDRESSER"
SCENE: HAIRDRESSER SALON. IT'S A UNI-SEX SALON SERVING BOTH FEMALE AND MALES. A FEMALE CLIENT IS SITTING IN THE CHAIR AS A STYLIST BLOWS HER HAIR DRY. THE STAFF IS OF GREEK HERITAGE
CLIENT
Hi there! Know I'm early.
HAIRDRESSER
Hi sweetie. Be with you soon.
CLIENT
D'ya want me to waste time until you take me? I can wander around the pharmacy next door. Need a few things anyway...how long should I take? Five minutes?
HAIRDRESSER
Make it 10 - no 20...
CLIENT
Sure. Can't stay there longer, though. Last time I was getting some wierd looks like I was a prospective shop lifter.
(female client returns 10 minutes later)
HAIRDRESSER
Another five minutes, okay sweetie?
CLIENT
Fine. Quiet today, huh?
PETER (MALE STYLIST)
Been quiet all week
CLIENT
People aren't making appointments for the holidays?
PETER
(glumly)
Very quiet...
HAIRDRESSER
Okay sweetie. Come sit in the chair. I'm ready for you, now.
CLIENT
Same color like always
HAIRDRESSER
Eyebrows too?
CLIENT
Yup
HAIRDRESSER
I don't know why you want to dye them. There's hardly anything there.
CLIENT
(chuckling)
Geez - thanks. You sure know how to make a customer feel good!
HAIRDRESSER
I meant, of course, that you hardly have any grey in your eyebrows
CLIENT
True...but sometimes a few sneak through
HAIRDRESSER
You could just pluck them
CLIENT
Much easier to color them and besides, I end up taking off chunks of skin with the hairs. Nothing like walking around with red scabs on your eyebrows
(CLIENT is sitting in chair, reading magazine with hair covered in dye)
HAIRDRESSER
Haven't had a full cigarette all day
CUSTOMER
Healthier for you. Progress - the magazines are up to the year 2009 now.
HAIRDRESSER
I'll be back. Need some nicotine in my blood
(Hairdresser leaves salon to smoke. Stella, another hairdresser, sits in chair next to customer. Other hairdresser returns from her nicotine break and cuts the hair of a male customer)
STELLA
Did you notice how thin blank-blank (name of hairdresser) is?
CLIENT
She's lost a lot of weight... 'Hey blank-blank (HD) - how come you lost so much weight?'
HAIRDRESSER
I dunno. Nerves I guess - and hard work. Been busy and sometimes I skip meals
CLIENT
Not a healthy practice. Wow - I never saw you so skinny. Sure you're okay? I mean, no health problems?
STELLA
She's too thin! She should gain some weight!
HAIRDRESSER
I eat healthy, that's why I'm slim - not skinny! Don't eat junk food
STELLA
(who is on the plump side)
Me neither - and look at me! It's just not fair! I watch what I eat and even work out 5 days at the gym and still I don't lose a pound! Some people are soooo lucky!
CLIENT
Why don't you try writing down everything you eat for a day or two? Maybe you don't even realize. You have to watch portion size
STELLA
I do, I do! Look at me! It's just so unfair! Blah-blah on the other hand is too skinny, don'chu think? She doesn't have a bum anymore or boobs
HAIRDRESSER
Are you two talking about me?
CLIENT
We're discussing your weight loss, girl!
STELLA
You gotta gain weight! Really!
CLIENT
Where is Stavros (salon owner)?
STELLA
He went to Ikea to buy a stand so we can make real coffee. Send a man to get something and he takes hours to make a choice. Who knows what he'll come back with
CLIENT
(looking around)
I don't see a coffee maker, here. Since when did you get one?
STELLA
He's hidin
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