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By: Mark Myers,
on 6/3/2014
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What should you do if you are at a formal event and realize the zipper on your pants is broken? Broken is too light a word – let’s say it has exploded leaving its jagged edges flayed open as a new source of entertainment for the party-goers.
Should you:
A) Act natural – This probably happened to James Bond at some point (the Sean Connery James Bond, none of the imitations). James Bond would hold his martini, look suave, and say something pithy about horse prices. No one would notice.
B) Create a Catch Me If You Can-like diversion. “It’s all about the pinstripes, Frankie.” – I’m not talking about hurting anyone or defacing property. I am thinking more along the lines of spilling red punch all over your shoulder. That way, people say, “Ah, look at Jim. That guys is always making a mess,” instead of, “Is Jim wearing tidy whities? What is he, 8 years old?”
C) Go MacGyver – Borrow a paper clip, lighter, hairspray, and a stick of gum from people around you and create a subminiature welding machine that rigs your zipper so tight you aren’t sure if you’ll ever be able to remove your pants.
D) If you wore underwear, be glad and go with it. If not, run away.
E) Tinker with it in your seat as “discretely” as possible. Zip…unzip. Zip…unzip. Don’t obsess over it. Look up intermittently and pay a modicum of attention to the guest speaker. Zip..unzip. Keep messing with it while those around you give you disgusted looks and shift uncomfortably in their seats. Zip..unzip. Zip…unzip. Why would the disapproval of others stop you? Zip…unzip. Maybe this time it will close right. Zip…unzip repeat. Dogonit! Never mind that your monkey hands and sausage fingers are useless for anything besides clapping. Zip…unzip. Oh, and your mid-forties eyes can’t come close to focusing on something outside of five feet away, leaving the zipper’s intended path a fuzzy mystery. But this is a great plan. Zip…unzip. Why are so many people still staring?
I should have started this post by saying I had a formal occasion at the kids’ school where I had a slight wardrobe malfunction. I prefer not to discuss it. I’m no celebrity, so there certainly isn’t enough interest for it to make the news (my lifetime goal). But if it had been a zipper issue, which of the above-mentioned solutions do you think I arrived at?
I refuse to answer.
However, If you don’t mind, say a prayer for me Thursday at 10:30 when I have a meeting with the headmaster, three church elders, and a psychologist to answer some complaints about my behavior. Think they’ll mind if I wear sweatpants?
photo credit: Rabenstteiner
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By:
[email protected] (Mark Blevis and Andrea ,
on 9/4/2009
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Author: Monica Kulling (on JOMB)
Illustrator: Bill Slavin
Published: 2009 Tundra Books (on JOMB)
ISBN: 9780887768811
Rome wasn’t built in a day and neither was the compact camera. This sprightly tale of curiosity and determination puts the spotlight on the inventive young man who made photographers of all of us, one improvement at a time.
On this date, September 4, in 1888, George Eastman registered the trademark Kodak. You can learn more here.
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By:
[email protected] (Mark Blevis and Andrea ,
on 9/2/2009
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Author: Katia Novet Saint-Lot (on JOMB)
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Published: 2008 Tilbury House (on JOMB)
ISBN: 9780884482987
Earth toned images of bustling Nigerian swelter contrast with the book-bound allure of a world of frost and snow in this tale of a young boy pondering the pros and cons of literacy.
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HOTLINE VOICES: Author/Illustrator, Mark Mitchell, describes the beauty of the book Tsunami! (by Kimiko Kajikawa and Ed Young).
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By:
[email protected] (Mark Blevis and Andrea ,
on 8/7/2009
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Published: 2009 Henry Holt and Co (on JOMB)
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Right now, you can test out over 60 of Leonardo da Vinci’s prototypes at Leonardo da Vinci: Man Inventor Genius.
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By:
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on 8/7/2009
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Published: 2009 Henry Holt and Co (on JOMB)
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Right now, you can test out over 60 of Leonardo da Vinci’s prototypes at Leonardo da Vinci: Man Inventor Genius.
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By:
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on 7/15/2009
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Amidst mauve and pink Australian sunsets, this lyrically told and beautifully illustrated tale reminds us of the underrated pleasures of simply loving.
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By:
[email protected] (Mark Blevis and Andrea ,
on 7/1/2009
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on 6/24/2009
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This delicately illustrated tale of travel and tragedy reminds us that today’s disaster just might be a necessary step towards the ultimate attainment of our heart’s desire.
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By:
[email protected] (Mark Blevis and Andrea ,
on 6/19/2009
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Published: 2009 Candlewick Press (on JOMB)
ISBN: 0763624985
Clean lines, comical details and snappy, generous first person narration sweep us into this suspenseful tale of strategy, solidarity and overlooked superpowers.
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By:
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on 5/21/2009
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Airy illustrations and sparse poetic prose paint a poignant picture of hope, help and healing in this unspoken invitation to dare to care.
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Dreams of flying on JOMB:
Six weeks ago yesterday, in Woodstock, Ontario, eight year old Victoria Stafford finished her school day … then disappeared. As the days turned to weeks, Canadians coast to coast came to know Victoria and her family as we watched mother Tara McDonald’s daily efforts to keep the search for her daughter fresh in our minds. This despite mounting public criticism and suspicion of Tara herself.
Yesterday, we learned of Tori’s tragic fate … and of her mother’s innocence.
This episode of Just One More Book! is dedicated to little Tori Stafford, with heartfelt hopes for the healing of those she left behind.
By:
[email protected] (Mark Blevis and Andrea ,
on 5/15/2009
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Published: 2009 Marshall Cavendish (on JOMB)
ISBN: 0761454675
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Earth toned preparations and pastel pomp treat us to a slightly slighted little sibling’s view of what seems like a very cool coming of age tradition.
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By:
[email protected] (Mark Blevis and Andrea ,
on 5/13/2009
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Hard-core horror meets sumptuous simile in this gripping exploration of siblinghood, self-destruction and sanitized sameness.
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Published: 1998 Lee & Low Books (on JOMB)
ISBN: 1584300817
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Earthy tones and textiles of Tanzania softly serve warm embraces and learned love in this beautiful tale of motherhood mimicry and the joy of nurturing.
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on 4/29/2009
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on 4/22/2009
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Dazzling light glows against darkening shadow as this warmly told memory of friendship and fortitude peeks into a dim chapter in Canadian history.
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You can read about more of our favourite Canadian, Asian-themed children’s books in this essay by Andrea at Paper Tigers.
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on 4/15/2009
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Colour drenched, stylized illustrations, carefully selected quotes and simple, informative text open our eyes and imaginations to the creativity, curiosity and commitment of this explorer, inventor, filmmaker extraordinaire.
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on 4/10/2009
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Author: Linda Ashman (on JOMB)
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Published: 2009 Roaring Brook Press (on JOMB)
ISBN: 1596431555
Humour, grimaces, gluttony and grime cleverly deliver a bonanza of not-soon forgotten feudal facts in this rhyming rundown of Medieval careers.
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Pop over to Carol’s Corner for today’s full menu of poetry offerings. Poetry Fridays are brought to us by Kelly Herold of Big A, Little A.
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If you are feasting this holiday week, Bon Appétit!
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Author: Laurie Friedman (on JOMB)
Illustrator: Ofra Amit (on JOMB)
Published: 2008 CarolRhoda (on JOMB)
ISBN: 0822587394
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Dark, heart wrenching yet beautiful images and aching, intimate first person narrative tell the true tale of holocaust prisoner Herman Rosenblat and the young girl who saved his life, twice.
HOTLINE VOICES: Thanks to author/illustrator Lee Edward Fodi for telling us about Strange Happenings: Five Tales of Transformation (by Avi).
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Author: Tony Johnston
Illustrator: S.D. Schindler
Published: 1996 Penguin (on JOMB)
ISBN: 0140562672
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Haunting, humour and expertly crosshatched seventeenth century detail make the moonlit migrations of a borrowed bone a slightly spooky Hallowe’en favourite.
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HOTLINE VOICES: Z of GeekDad and HipsterPlease.com tells us about Llama, Llama Red Pajama (by Anna Dewdney). Thank you!
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on 10/10/2008
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Author: Jean Little
Published: 2007 Scholastic (on JOMB)
ISBN: 0439988373
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Beautifully bound in a soft unevenly edged journal and told with humour, innocence, intimacy and affection, the daily entries of a fictional twelve year old disclose the spellbinding details of life during the Spanish flu epidemic of 1918-19.
Our daughter Lucy (9) also contributes to the discussion of the book, which she tells us is part of her current favourite series.
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HOTLINE VOICES: Author Michelle Mulder from Victoria, British Columbia shares her thoughts on The Composition (by Antonio Skarmeta and Alfonso Ruano). Thanks, Michelle!
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Author: Mark Greenwood (on JOMB)
Illustrator: Frané Lessac (on JOMB)
Published: 2008 Candlewick Press (on JOMB)
ISBN: 0763639133
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Deceptively simple looking folk art illustrations, uncluttered narration and sparse, intimate utterings deliver some of the dark, disturbing details of war in this eye-opening, true tale of courage, carnage and camaraderie.
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HOTLINE VOICES: Bobby (a grade two teacher in Phoenix, AZ) describes a difference of opinion between he and his fiancée (a grade one teacher) and asks the question, what is the best way to read books to a group of children?
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on 9/20/2008
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Author: Elisa Carbone
Illustrator: E. B. Lewis (on JOMB)
Published: 2008 Knopf Books (on JOMB)
ISBN: 037582247X
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Haunting, heartbreaking and not for the faint of heart, this gorgeously illustrated true tale of trial and triumph opens our eyes to the horrors of slavery and the depths of devotion of one loyal dog.
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For more information about The Cybils, The Children’s and Young Adult Bloggers’ Literary Awards, pop over to Cybils Central, check out the 2007 and 2006 winners and prepare to nominate your favourites of 2008.
HOTLINE VOICES: A listener shares her thoughts about The Land of Smeared.
We’d love to hear your thoughts on a favourite children’s book. Leave us a voice message on our JOMB listener hotline, +1-206-350-6487.
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on 8/27/2008
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Author: Laurie Keller (on JOMB)
Illustrator: Laurie Keller
Published: 2008 Henry Holt and Co. (on JOMB)
ISBN: 0805079971
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Gaffes, guffaws and gargantuan grins explode from page after page of frantic action as fifty fervent American states peel themselves from cartographical slumber and paint the town.
As a Canadian, I’m not embarrassed to admit that I learned more about U.S. geography and statehood history from these forty pages of tumult, tables and talent than I ever learned in school.
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Author: Jeff Crosby & Shelley Ann Jackson
Illustrator: Shelley Ann Jackson & Jeff Crosby
Published: 2008 Tundra Books (on JOMB)
ISBN: 0887768156
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Rich, realistic, edge-to-edge illustrations full of action, maps and lovable hounds combine with history, humour and friendly, accessible text to provide the full scoop on 43 canine breeds in this quickly dog-eared non-fiction tome.
This episode includes contributions from our daughter, Lucy.
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Author: Rebecca Upjohn (on JOMB)
Illustrator: Renne Benoit (on JOMB)
Published: 2007 Second Story Press (on JOMB)
ISBN: 189718719X
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Fall rain surrenders to vividly blustering snow as a young girl thinks her way from fear through curiosity, empathy and finally into action in this heartwarming tale of hardship and humanity.
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Act natural and your hands a lot for partial cover. Lol. Fun post Mark. Have a great blessed day!!
You are funnnny!
I’d go the MacGyver route if at all possible. Enjoy your day!
No advice – just a big thank you for giving me a six-pack with all the laughing!! :-)
Absolutely. He was the man!
C’mon, you have to pick one.