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I’m a terrible promoter.

I really am.

The problem isn’t that I’m lazy, or that I don’t put forth the effort, or that I’m unwilling to put in the time. It’s none of that stuff.

I’m actually not the least bit lazy, my effort-abilities are second to none and I have nothing but time on my hands.

The actual issue is that my personal persona and my business persona get mixed up a lot. A whole lot, actually.

I say stuff I shouldn’t. I put things out there that I should have locked a safe, wrapped in a chain and tossed into the ocean.

As much as it pains me to admit, I’m an idiot.

The fact that I’m writing these very words at this very moment proves I’m an absolute dolt and that I’ll never learn.

Do the followers on Twitter that are interested in my YA novel or my artwork really need to know that I spent the night bent over the toilet due to a nasty bout of food poisoning? Probably not.

Did I tell them? Yep.

Was it necessary to let them know that because of it I spent the entire next day breaking wind like Chris Brown breaks ladies’ faces? Most definitely not.

Was that Chris Brown joke a massive mistake?

You better believe it.

I’m a goof-ball and I don’t know when to stop.

I spend so much time cracking wise and making you feel uncomfortable with awkward-delicious nuggets about my personal life that I sometimes forget I’m trying to sell you something.

Then the bill collectors come calling. Then my wife shakes her head and I pull out the lining of my pockets and shrug my shoulders. Then she hops on-line and types the words “divorce attorney” into Google.

It’s a vicious cycle.

So how do I plan on solving this little problem of mine?

I have to get serious. I have to get more professional.

I’ll need a briefcase of some sort . Maybe some papers to put in it.

Wait, wait, wait - maybe I don’t need the papers at all. I mean, what are the chances anyone will actually ask to see what’s inside, right?

Combing my hair, putting on a suit and brushing my teeth more than once every other day just isn’t going to cut it anymore. It’s not enough. I have to take things to the next level. I’m going to have to make some drastic lifestyle changes.

I’ll need to straighten that hunch in my back and smear that sloppy-creepy grin off my face.

Maybe I’ll even shave.

I’ll have to mind my P’s and Q’s while making sure my F’s and U’s are never allowed in the same sentence together.

I’ll need to be better than the sum of my parts and better than the sum of the sum of those parts.

I’ll have to blog about books and writing, and the writing process and the process of writing.

Speaking of my blog, I’ll need to maintain it a bit more diligently. I guess I should watch that I don’t accept a friend request from anyone and everyone on Facebook. I should also try and make sure current and prospective clients don’t catch wind of my uncontrollable post-puke wind breaking in one of my many unnecessary status updates.

Breath mints will be important.

New shoes too. New shoes are a given. Shoes are the first thing people look at. I heard that somewhere.

No more gobbling on burgers so stuffed with goop the juices leave stains on my shirts. Nope – gonna have to put the kibosh on that one.

I’ll need some new shirts as well.

Maybe I should change my name? It might be smart to change it to something a little more professional sounding.

Max Hardcopy?

How about, Patrick Gitstuffdun?

No, wait…Stephen Nowack.

No one commands respect like a Nowack.

Or maybe I shouldn’t do any of this nonsense.

Stephen Nowack? Seriously? That’s just silly.

Breath mints? That’s even sil

Once in a while, it's time for every young lad to get his locks trimmed. Here's a story about a little boy's trip to the barber shop and how he manages to make it through the experience. Maybe it will bring back a few memories....

A Snip-Clip Trip To Joe's Barber Shop
By Bill Kirk
(Originally published in Stories For Children Magazine, 2009)

"It's time for a haircut."
That's what my Dad said.
"It's time for the barber
To clean up your head."

"Your ears are all covered;
We can't see your eyes.
Your hair sure grows fast
For someone your size."

"We'll go to Joe's place;
His haircuts are fun.
He'll give you a prize
When your haircut is done."

We walked to Joe's Barbershop,
Just down the street.
I waited my turn,
Then I climbed on the seat.

"Just lower his ears."
Did I hear my Dad right?
Would my ears be removed?
Would they be out of sight?

"What does that mean, Dad,"
I asked with a frown?
"Will my ears be OK?
Will they be further down?"

"Don't worry, my son,"
Dad said with a smile.
"Joe's been a good barber
For quite a long while."

Joe started his work
With scissors and comb.
I wished he would hurry
So we could go home.

But before I could ask him,
"Is this gonna to hurt?"
Hair flew down the cape
That covered my shirt.

With clippers and snippers
Joe tickled my ears.
And when he was finished,
I shouted, "Three cheers!"

At last it was over,
And Joe was all through.
I looked in the mirror
To check out my "doo."

As I hopped to the floor,
Joe opened a box.
It was time for my prize
After losing my locks.

I picked a small plane--
I knew it would fly.
Then, we gave Joe a wave
As he called out, "Good-by."

After finding my ears
And both of my eyes,
I guess it was worth it
To get such a prize.

But if you ask me,
Instead of all that,
I'd let my hair grow
And just wear a hat?

Every child has known God,
Not the God of names,
Not the God of don'ts,
Not the God who ever does
Anything weird,
But the God who knows only 4 words
And keeps repeating them, saying:
"Come Dance with Me."
Come Dance.
-- Hafiz (1320-1389)

Happy Dancing and Leaping Day!

Elie Wiesel wrote a 900-page memoir in Yiddish called And the World Has Remained Silent (1956). But while translating the book into French, he found himself editing it ruthlessly until he had cut the 900 pages down to just 127. (Wiesel called the edited version of his memoir Night .)

He said,
"I was inspired by the marvelous example of Giacometti, the great sculptor. He always said that his dream was to do a bust so small that it could enter a matchbook, but so heavy that no one could lift it. That's what a good book should be."
— Elie Wiesel (b. 1928)

What a powerful dream to have.

Mozart said, "When I am, as it were, completely myself, entirely alone, and of good cheer — say traveling in a carriage, or walking after a good meal, or during the night when I cannot sleep — it is on such occasions that my ideas flow best, and most abundantly. Whence and how they come, I know not, nor can I force them." And, "Neither a lofty degree of intelligence nor imagination nor both together go to the making of genius. Love, love, love, that is the soul of genius."

Happy Valentine's day from NYC

"All men should strive to learn before they die what they are running from, and to, and why." James Thurber (1894-1961)

"To have faith is to trust yourself to the water. When you swim you don't grab hold of the water, because if you do you will sink and drown. Instead you relax, and float."
--Alan Watts (1915-1973), British author and philosopher

Sounds a lot like writing to me. The lightness that comes from faith. Trust yourself to the river of stories running down deep, relax, float and see where the current takes you.

"As I sit at my computer... I think of myself as sitting around the campfire after a day on the trail, telling stories that I hope will have the members of the audience, or the readers, leaning forward just a bit, wanting to know what happens next."
Stephen E. Ambrose (1936-2002)

What a great reminder to writers. It's about the Story. Period.

Perhaps it's really the only question to ask as you write: what happens next? It's maybe even more crucial when you're writing for children since the moment they're bored, they'll stop reading. There's no wiggle room. You have to keep their attention.

What happens next? What if you don't know and you're the one telling the story?

A wise editor once told me, "put your characters in a room and listen to them." The job of storyteller, then, is to just turn up at the computer every day (or campfire) and wait to see what your characters do. And then follow them.

So in that sense, the writer is also one who listens to the story. And is the scribe who writes it down so others can hear it, too.

In the end, it's really not about being an "Author", I don't think. It's about being someone who tells a good story. The writer should always be the servant of the story. Not the other way round.

The act of writing, then, can be a generosity, not an ego trip.

I find myself unwilling to give up an hour or so to go to the beauty salon for a haircut. So I chopped my own hair a few days ago. Yesterday, someone I barely know said, "I LOVE your haircut!"

Harriet the Spy: How did I go all my life without reading this book? I started it a couple of nights ago, and I'm savoring every bit of it. Harriet is one of my favorite types of characters--independent, adventurous (all that breaking and entering!), and smart. The interior dialogue is thoughtful and analytical.

Insomnia has returned over the past few nights, and I was still awake at 1:30 am. I groped for my book light and opened Harriet, forcing myself to read slowly. It took great discipline for me to save the last thirty pages for tonight.

Here's my favorite quote from the book: "Writers don't care what they eat. They just care what you think of them." (Sport to Harriet regarding his dad.) HA! So true! Especially since I understand it as "They care only how you esteem their work."

Sometimes people ask how's my writing going. I still love saying, "I sold my book!" which is how I say it. But here's how I think it: OMG! I sold my bookISOLDMYBOOK! These same people ask a few innocent questions, and then I'm off, giving them my two sentence pitch, telling them how I always wanted to be a writer, how I used to be a technical writer (at this point, I'm telling myself Shut up, already! yet I don't--I'm too excited about the whole thing--I have to hear it again!). I told my sister Don't even ask me about the writing unless you have an unscheduled block of time.

That's all for now. Hope all your writing is going well.

Australian sprinter, four times Olympic champion, Betty Cuthbert won more gold medals than any other Australian in Olympic history. Seen here in 1960. I just love her expression. It somehow seems the only appropriate one for going headlong into a new year with.

"My salvation was a free gift.
I didn't have to work for it
and it's better than any
gold medal that I've ever won."
— Betty Cuthbert (b. 1938)

"God gave us memories so that we might have roses in December" — J M Barrie (1860 - 1937)

“Don’t get it right; just get it written.”
- James Thurber (1894-1961)

What a great quote. I need to remember that every day. Every moment.

(and what about his hair?)

"Be careful about reading health books.
You may die of a misprint."

— Mark Twain (1835-1910)

Oscar (Fingal O'Flahertie Wills) Wilde (that really is his whole name I didn't make it up) was just voted UK's Greatest Wit. He said awfully witty things like: "I can resist everything except temptation" and other clever stuff like that.

He beat Spike MIlligan who came in second (one of the "goons" and a brilliant comedian, who had engraved on his tombstone the epitaph, "I told you I was ill"), Stephen Fry and Jeremy Clarkson (third and fourth), Noel Coward, Sir Winston Churchill and Shakespeare.

Margaret Thatcher was the highest ranked woman coming in at 12 (she once quipped: "Being powerful is like being a lady. If you have to tell people you are, you aren't.")

So there you have it. Or, as we say in the UK, Bob's Your Uncle. And more on that later. For now, a great quote from the UK's Greatest Wit...

"An idea that is not dangerous is unworthy of being called an idea at all." — Oscar Wilde (1854-1900)

"Don't use words too big for the subject. Don't say 'infinitely' when you mean 'very'; otherwise you'll have no word left when you want to talk about something really infinite."

— C S Lewis (1898 - 1963)

this, it has to be said, is a rather off-putting title for a blog—particularly following on the heels of the much more fun you tube clips. but it's really not as full of rules or nearly as bossy as it sounds. it might even be interesting or helpful. Or both.

it's fitting too. as you may or may not know, it was in fact "National Punctuation Day" (September 24th)—I steered well clear of it myself—(who can begin to imagine what manner of torture might be involved in such a day?)

punctuation, it seems to me, is one of those tricksy things that the more you think about it the more you can't do it (except if you're brilliant and J R R Tolkien and then you know everything anyway so you don't count).

i once found myself in the middle of a huge manuscript, two days before the final deadline, re-punctuating everything because i'd convinced myself I needed to get more semi-colons in. don't ask me why. i don't know—it's insane (and i don't even like semi-colons)—it had a lot to do with thinking semi-colons are what clever people use. And because a critic who lives inside my head says horrid things, like "ah yes, what a shame. and it would have been such a lovely book if only she'd... (fill in the blank)."

if you find yourself in a Punctuation Bog like this, all i can say is, you need to GET OUT of there right this instant, run into the fresh air and the sunlight and talk to a sensible friend and only come back to your manuscript when you're fully in the real world and back in your right mind and have just stopped it.

and once you've done that, read something like this—a very helpful old typsetting saying:

"Set type as long as you can hold your breath without getting blue in the face. Then put in a comma.
When you yawn, put in a semicolon.
When you clear your throat, put in a period.
When you want to sneeze, that's time for a paragraph"

and here is a completely beautiful piece of typesetting to close this punctuation posting with.

Leonard Bernstein was once asked which instrument was the most difficult to play. He thought for a moment and then replied, "The second fiddle. I can get plenty of first violinsts, but to find someone who can play the second fiddle with enthusiasm — that's a problem. And if we have no second fiddle, we have no harmony."

Childishness and Childlikeness. Could you find two words closer in spelling and farther apart in meaning?

And yet people seem to confuse them all the time. Dangerous. The one you hope to grow out of; the other, never.

"A childlike man is not a man whose development has been arrested; on the contrary, he is a man who has given himself a chance of continuing to develop long after most adults have muffled themselves in the cocoon of middle aged habit and convention."
— Aldous Huxley (1864-1963)

"Unless you become like a little child..."

"I write when I'm inspired, and I see to it that I'm inspired at nine o'clock every morning." — Peter De Vries, quote in The Writer, June 1994

Reminds me of something else someone said: that writing is magical but it isn't magic. I love this because it gets rid of the preciousness and the idea that you must feel inspired to write. Writing only requires sitting down in front of the computer (or piece of paper) and showing up. Whether you feel like it, or not.

It also keeps you with a correct perspective — and reminds you you have a job to do — just as a plumber has a job to do. Nine to five. Five days a week. And the best thing about that? Well, as Phillip Pullman points out, no one's ever heard of a thing called plumber's block, have they?

Peter De Vries (1910–93), by the way, was the one who came up with such clever stuff as, "Nostalgia isn't what it used to be" and "Deep down, he's shallow," and was, according to Kingsley Amis, "the funniest serious writer to be found on either side of the Atlantic."


"But," Amazon tells me, "De Vries's life and work was informed as much by sorrow as by wit."

His classics are Slouching Towards Kalamazoo and The Blood of the Lamb. First published in 1982 and 1965 respectively.

It's the birthday of Roald Dahl, who was born in Llandaff, South Wales. Initially he was known for his dark short stories for adults but later switched to writing books for children.

"A person is a fool to become a writer. His only compensation is absolute freedom." — Roald Dahl (1916-1990)

It's also the birthday of J B Priestley, born in Bradford, England (1894). He wrote more than a hundred books of fiction, essays, and drama.

"We plan, we toil, we suffer — in the hope of what? ... The title deeds of Radio City? ... A trip to the moon? No, no, no, no. Simply to wake just in time to smell coffee and bacon and eggs." — J B Priestly (1894-1984)

The New York Times Obit included this wonderful quote:

" 'Why does anybody tell a story?' Ms. L’Engle once asked, even though she knew the answer.

" 'It does indeed have something to do with faith,' she said, 'faith that the universe has meaning, that our little human lives are not irrelevant, that what we choose or say or do matters, matters cosmically.' " — Madeleine L'Engle (1918 - 2007)

a friend sent this DML-J quote to me this week and it's so encouraging and inspiring, I thought you'd want to read it, too...

"Frequently there comes a point at which development and advance seem to have come to an end and we are in some kind of doldrums when it is difficult to know whether the work is moving at all, either backwards or forwards. All seems to be at a standstill and nothing seems to be taking place...we are considering people who are not so much tired of the work as tired in it... What shall we say about it and what shall we do about it? Let me say at the outset that there is no aspect of this great problem of depression in which negatives are more important than they are on this particular occasion. Whoever we are found in this position of weariness, before we begin to do anything positive, there are certain negatives that are absolutely all-important.

"The first is this: Whatever you may feel about it do not consider the suggestion that comes to you from all directions - not so much from people, but from within yourself, the voices that seem to be speaking around and about you - do not listen to them when they suggest that you should give up, or give way, or give in. That is a great temptation that comes at this point. You say, 'I am weary and tired, the thing is too much for me.' And there is nothing to say at that point but this negative - do not listen. You always have to start with these 'don'ts' on the very lowest level; and that is the lowest level. You must say to yourself, 'whatever happens I am going on.'

"You do not give in or give way."

— Dr David Martyn Lloyd-Jones (1899-1981)

"Even in literature and art, no man who bothers about originality will ever be original: whereas if you simply try to tell the truth (without caring twopence how often it has been told before) you will, nine times out of ten, become original without ever having noticed it."

— C. S. Lewis (1898 - 1963)

"A classic is classic not because it conforms to certain structural rules, or fits certain definitions (of which its author had quite probably never heard). It is classic because of a certain eternal and irrepressible freshness."

— Edith Wharton (1862 - 1937)