I wrote for the
Viewspaper recently about youth and its idealism. The strength of an upcoming generation lies only in its idealism. It is that which drives its energy, it is that that gives it its identity.
But this very characteristic that seems to be the evolutionary material for society, the stuff that ensures progressive betterment of the world, is lost somewhere along the years. As youth matures the idealism is not concretized to action, but turns into a jaded dream.
So how is the world going to move on? What we need is the strength of character in youth to push their ideals through to their 'age of reason'.
I believe all of us are born with stars in our eyes. It is the adults around us, sadly, that make us look only at the ground on which we need to trudge. Of course I am not taking into consideration the inexcusable and unfortunate conditions a large part of the world is in. Those born in strife-ridden, war-torn areas, and in debilitating poverty. Sadly, all their emotional and physical resources are tied up in simply surviving. It is a resounding indictment of us all that such dire predicaments exist at all - but that is for another blog. :)
But for those of us who live in relative comfort, it is even more imperative that we recognize our responsibility not to flitter away our lives, when we are blessed enough to have the chance to dream. And I do not mean the aim of getting into that fancy school, or to be in a position to earn a five-figure salary. That is not what I would classify as a dream. How is that any different from wanting an expensive purse or getting a nose-job? It has nothing to do with your emotional intelligence! Sure, go ahead and be that CEO, but do it because that is what you feel like doing, not thinking of being. Do it because you want to make a difference like Iaccoca or Ford, not to make a mansion like Ambani. Because if position and power are your driving force, it is just a step away from swindling people - like the Enron executives, and like doctors who operate' simply because they do not know what else to do! If that happens to be the dream, then one is simply a waste of oxygen for this planet.
So for that rare young person who is out there somewhere wanting to do something to make difference not only in his own life, bit in at least one another. How would you hold on to that idealism? For it is imperative that you do.
One way of course is perseverance. I have never believed in 'try until you succeed'. It is rotten nonsense and a waste of time. Give something a shot twice at the most. Then move on. What perseverance should be is akin to preserving. You have to continue to believe in those principles. And that you can - as you certainly can - move the world. Anywhere, anytime, anyhow, just by being who you are. Just by living that dream in any small way everyday. You may not be able to open that orphanage, but you could talk nicely to a kid you see on the roads. You may not be able to send chartered planes of food to Africa, but you could volunteer in soup-kitchens. It is exactly the same, because it will give exactly that same sense of purpose, and more importantly a sense of triumph. A life of meaning does not have to be big. Idealism does not have to be flashy or glamorous. It does not crave to be acknowledged. It need only be honoured and fostered by the person holding those ideals.
The kids working for teach for America/ Teach for India do not do it for recognition. It asks too much of commitment for people to do it just for 'look good' college application. It is tough, em
One may be at one place for years, then decide to move on without even pang of loss. So how did something that did not even warrant a fond reminiscence hold one for so long?
There are many things that make a person bond with an external entity- be it a place, organization or another person. We find ourselves feeling a kinship because of a common culture or background. We associate easily with people who are on the same wavelength of thought and growth, who are intellectually compatible.
But the strongest bond anyone can feel is an indefinable feeling which I will call a 'sense of belonging'. No other kind of linkage or association has the same compelling strength. Not love , not money, not convenience. We automatically identify with things that we believe we belong to. Whether it is parks, memories, people, books or institutions - they become an integral part of our selves. Nothing else can measure up to the strength of this bond, because it connects with our intrinsic nature. The only thing that splits that firm connection is the loss of that indefinable feeling of belonging. One may work at a company for the money and the perks, but then all one needs to leave is a better opportunity, or even sometimes just a change of scene. And then there are those who work far below potential because one finds somewhere/someone there that is more aligned to their moral compass. It may be the people they see everyday, or it may be what the work ethic of the organization, or it may be the elemental business of the organization. What makes us commit is that we see there what we have in ourselves too.
I think a sense of belonging is also crucial in determining the quality of human relationships. A marriage works only when belonging applies both ways. This belonging is defined by feeling belonged not that one feels the other belongs to them. And that is the crux of the power of belonging. If you want you spouse to feel a sense of belonging in the relationship you have to give of yourself. That 'compromise' everyone talks about? That is basically empowering your partner to be herself or himself, to be able to bring to the relationship something meaningful to him/her. The 'compromise' is actually the acceptance in your own life of something that may not be an integral part of your internal compass. We all know that the more core values shared in a relationship, the smoother it makes life for those involved. I believe it is because that engenders a feeling of belonging more easily. It is a connection between core psyches.
And that is the connection a successful organization makes the employees feel . When one can decorate a cubicle, it is a small value, but when your principles match (as in a common charity), it is a considerable one. Belonging would exhibit in one feeling that one is an extension of what one belongs to, or that that is an extension of you. When you start using 'we' instead of 'them' , you belong.
I think the strongest display of the sense of belonging is our dwelling. One can feel belonging at home more intensely if there are things in there that reflect one's likes and values. We put into our homes things that make us comfortable, things that say what we want them to portray. It is what envelops us with calmness and contentment we need in our place of repose. And that is precisely why we can come from the most gorgeous resorts back to our houses and still say "Home Sweet Home". It is misconstrued that home is important to us because it belongs to us. It is important because we belong there.
1 Comments on Belonging, last added: 6/19/2011
Civility is kindness, compassion, decorum, and propriety of action and expression. It is the best of virtues in all its forms. Aristotle once said “It is not enough to know about virtue but we must try to have and use it”, and so it is with all facets of civility. Everyone knows what is right, but not everyone practices it. Just as it is enough for good to do nothing to allow evil to win, all it takes to be rude is to not be polite. I believe that we are defined not by our background, education or occupation but by our behavior. Human society is based on interactions – social or otherwise – and civility must be the basis of all such interplay. I try to maintain this civility in all aspects of my deportment, from my tone of voice to my responses to strange queries. It is one of the most important principles of my moral compass.
Our society today is disturbingly rude. It is a sad comment on ourselves that we see so many unsmiling faces, even those familiar to us. Aggression is looked upon as strength, and politeness is considered akin to weakness. However, the real weakness is an appalling ignorance of the power of civility. Politeness does not mean that we should not hold a view; it only means that that view should be expounded without giving another person reason to be offended. What courtesy adds to the argument is that little magic that makes certain the opinion will be taken in the best way possible, because it is delivered in the best way possible.
Rutgers is a large family. It is like having a last name one can connect with. I feel this bond wherever I go – while at campus lunching with other rushed students, or at the airport chatting with the immigration officer who recognized my Rutgers sweatshirt, or feeling a connection when I see the red “R”s on cars I share the highway with. If we cannot be civil within this family, then there is something greatly lacking in our education. Once we have also learned to “practice respect, restraint, concern, and benevolence”, as P.M. Forni says in his book Choosing Civility, then we have inculcated proper behavior for the rest of our lives. And that is the most important thing we can carry to the rest of the world (Forni, P20).
But to be able to carry it to the rest of the world, we need to have imbibed it within ourselves. Like everything that is genuine, civility begins from one’s soul. Our actions have to be predicated on thoughtfulness. Civility has to have deep meaning for ourselves to have any significance at all for someone else. Even regular etiquette is derived from intent to please. Proper placement of forks on the table becomes a facile facade if it is not to make its usage easier. Decor becomes ostentatious if it is more for exhibition than for pleasure. Similarly, our behavior has to have bearing to our own conscience, for only then will it have any meaning to the outside world.
Civility ensures that our social environment is pleasant. At its very basic, civility is being considerate and unselfish. It is the proper decorum of greeting people we accost. It is saying thank you, please or excuse me. It is holding the door for the person following us into the mall. It is a show of genuine gratitude for favors asked and unasked, or a concern for acquaintances close and distant. The rules of civility require that we show our companions respect, whether they are present or absent, and consideration for those around us. Civility also demands that we accept another’s style of living. The maturity and magnanimity needed to recognize that this is a shared world is an integral part of being civil. For not only must we understand that there are myriad kinds of people living their different kinds of lives, we also need to respect those very differences.
At its most developed, civility is tolerance, understanding, and altruism. It takes a highly developed emotional intelligence to be able to put what one must
I signed in today to see if I should just close down my blog. It's been one of those weeks where everything seems pointless. As far as I can tell, I have done no major memorable thing. Thankfully nothing bad, but sadly nothing good either. It reinforces a deeply held belief of mine - life is meaningful only when you do something for others. But this week's rut of work, work and work (at home and school) has not given me time for anything else. One thing is certain - this is no way to live. But then, busy or not, should not I be able to live my values if I value them enough? Should not our morality compass be strong enough?
It is difficult to carve a life for oneself where you live as your core values dictate. With increasing demands of simply living, we tend of discard those little, very important things that make life worth living. I believe a successful life is one where we have been able to incorporate our values into everyday living.
We care so much for where we live. We find places which fit into our way of life, or at least a place where we can fit in the existing way of life. I do not mean just the geographical location, but also how we situate our beliefs and values vis-a -vis our environment.
I believe it is easy to hold onto your values when your surroundings match them. It requires no great strength of character to be, say, Islamic in your bearing when you study in an Islamic school, and all your friends adhere to the same belief. And its even easier if you shun all that to not conform to that set. (That is not Islamic, or logical, or natural - and also, that is another topic.) But the ease of living your beliefs does not contribute to its strength, or to the required emotional maturity to hold onto them. My daughter was told by a friend that she is missing the fun of getting drunk. It is a statement of her maturity that the friendship continues undamaged even though she decided not to try the "fun". (I would have been sorely tempted!!) How can we equalize the depth of these values with those of someone who has not faced an opposing, easier and more "fun" way of life?
Real emotional maturity becomes evident only when we live in an environment that is not familiar, and may even be slightly hostile to our set of core values. The depth of our values and the strength of our principles is demonstrated when we hold onto them because we believe in them, even though it may not exactly be convenient or 'cool'.
And when our values become that much a part of ourselves, then we can try and carve a life that will facilitate living those values too.
I am trying to figure out why women are generally such an unhappy bunch. I think it is because we have drifted so far away from our natural selves that every day has become a burden. We are unhappy because we never seem to achieve what we need. We do not achieve what we need because we do not seem to know what we want. We do not know what we want because we have our priorities all confused. And we have our priorities confused because we have lost track of the reason we were made: as WOMEN!
The role of women, and men, was designed by our genes. Our gender differences, aptitudes and weaknesses are dictated by our very beings. And whether it is a bane or a boon, the capacity to bring forth the next generation was given solely to women. A power much higher than our limited intelligence put that into effect. God, aliens, or selection by natural evolution if you must : the result was THIS. The primary responsibility of bearing and rearing children was given to the female of the species. It falls in the natural order of things that it is the female who is the homemaker too.
I believe that it is disservice to humanity if we belittle or dismiss a woman's role. It is even more destructive if women themselves denigrate their real purpose in life.
For the life of me, I have never
ever understood where the glory lies when riding into the sunset of our lives trying desperately to match a man's career path. A man can never be another man, why then should a
woman try to be a man?
I have inveighed against women and careers before - "
Woman, be thyself!" But that does not mean I believe we should all be doormats or wallflowers. I am, of course, all for independence. If we look for independence outside ourselves we will only be following a mirage. The only independence that matters, that emancipates and strenghtens, is that of the mind. It is wonderful if you are learning, or earning. There is no substitute for either of them. Financial independence if always empowering. But do it for yourself, not for parents, or husbands, or friends, or fashion. I respect the woman who is out funding herself, or providing the necessary income for her family, just as I respect the
man doing the same. The operative word here is
necessary. And an extra car, a bigger bigger house or a backyard swimming pool certainly does not qualify as a necessity!
Real emancipation comes from confidence; a recognition of one's own strength, an understanding of one's function. However, the belief that women need to go out and compete with men in exactly the same fields, in exactly the same way, just because it is a male bastion, reeks more of subjugation to me than of liberty. It seems to me that women again are succumbing to pressure from society, which has always leaned more on us. We have always borne the brunt of the confines of societal rules. Women have been required to bring in a dowry that would determine their worth; now it has not changed to assumptions that women should bring in, if not the bread, at least some cake! We are, all over again, being forced into a mould that is not to our benefit. It is a facile proposition that self-actualization is dependent on a career. If the need to 'work' is predicated on a lack of self-esteem, or a desire to 'prove oneself', then even heading a multinational company is never going to be satisfying. We can not be free until we are free to think for ourselves. And adhering to images that others have created for us, and expect from us, is not liberation. I can understand throwing away corsets for a more humane form of undergarment, but then do we have to throw off all our clothes in the process? I value freedom and liberty more than anything else in life. It should apply to all aspects of life, to all strata of society, to all ages and gender of people. Women's liberation is not something as trite as burning bras, or arm-wrestling contests. It is
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Sarah I know where you are coming from ....I say many times I can live on chocolate anything, paratha, bikaneeri bhujia, hummus and nutella. I do love chocolate, good books, movies, music; and off course bling-bling and my fitflops.... but I agree that the memory of helping someone is simply bliss....
Even is NY people will stare at you if you do something for someone ....
I have never really shared this with anyone except the 2 friends that were with me..... a long time ago. I was in my mid 20's and it was a cold cold fall day NYC. I had meet some friends for some falafel... which was a big treat for me... eating dinner out. When we left the place near 42nd street, there in the brutal cold there was a half-crazed women nearly naked and shivering .... with our bellies full and coming out of a warm place I felt a sharp pain in my gut looking at her she was just like me what happened to her .... was I a few friend and a few paychecks away from her state ... how could this have happened .... as the cold wind slapped our faces ... without thinking I took of my trench coat and put it on her, she did smell bad but at the moment i did not smell her I was just flush with warmth in my heart ... my friends looked at me like crazy and even people on the road rolled their eyes ... but at that moment I had to do it .... till this day I have not regretted it .... I told my friend I have a warmer jacket at home so I will wear that instead ... but this woman does not have anything to cover her nakedness and protect her from the cold.
I was lucky to have friends that put their arms around me on each side to shield me from the cold wind as we walked to the subway and actually even got off at my stop to walk me home and then went back on the subway to go home.... I was so blessed.
When my mom saw me without my coat she asked what happened ... I knew she would yell at me for giving it away .... so I said I lost it ... and I got yelled at ... Not that my mom was not a kind woman but money was kinda tight in those beginning days on our own in the Big Apple. As a mother she thought of her child first ... :)
As I shared this I am feeling so happy and content.
Neelam, what a lovely heart warming story! I am tearing up. May you continue to be the way you are. God bless you!