This past week I read a book by Sharon Doty titled Evil in Our Midst.  As a sexual abuse survivor I assumed I was fully equipped through experience to protect my own child from sexual predators, boy was I wrong.
Sharon points out our approach as a society addressing the prevention of sexual abuse is really not prevention at all.  The current trend places a great amount of pressure on children to be responsible for the verbal and non-verbal actions to stop an abuser. But after numerous interviews with abusers and countless hours of research, she has found that educated adults can have the tools necessary to prevent children from even being given this burden.
Yes, Sharon, identifies the culture and means by which an abuser takes liberties to abuse.
Her approach to educated us, the parents and community, to recognize potential predators and recognize our part in creating an environment conducive to abuse is a light amidst a very dark and dangerous culture.
I would strongly recommend this book to anyone interested in being part of a global solution to ending sexual abuse for our children.
Thank you, Sharon, for the enlightenment.

Add a Comment

If you are in Tulsa, OK this Friday...

Add a Comment

Add a Comment

"There can be no keener revelation of a society's soul than the way in which it treats its children."
Nelson Mandela

What does America value?  More concrete - what do you value?
Do we recognize the human experience called, "childhood" and deem it a valuable foundation to a life well-lived or do we simply excuse it and claim we have all been naive once?
My hope is the first thought, but our times are revealing a much more dismal view of today's child.
Please, I urge you, consider stepping back and assessing the care and concern for children in our society today and the value, you, personally would place on children being equipped to handle adversity and change.  Give it a dollar amount.  How much is it worth?
Now, ask yourself if, you, personally have contributed toward any organization in the past year that is dedicated to helping human beings in their greatest hour of need, their childhood.
Please consider it.

Add a Comment

The day had been crazy.  Sasha, Blended Love's Executive Director, and I had been whisked abruptly into Fox 25's interview studio for our 8:20 a.m. interview around 8:17 a.m. or so.  Being out-of-towners to the area we had to rely solely on a GPS that spoke French.  As he demanded who knows what the arrows were hard to figure out and that resulted in a lot of unnecessary turns on the Oklahoma City expressways.  Exiting on Scott Street became a crowd favorite!
After the interview we had an appointment with Bethel Foundation in Oklahoma City.  Sasha had set up the meeting because she has been involved with some of their fundraisers and believed that I would enjoy learning more about their mission of providing opportunities and tangibles to single mothers.  In theory, great idea - but what I didn't expect....
I walked into this darling house with a gorgeous sign alerting moms that this could be their haven.  The beautiful scriptures that were so gracefully drawn on the wall were arrows to the heart of a path that leads to peace, a common emotion we all want, a common denominator to all who enter.  That peace was magnified as I turned to meet, Lynda, the humble servant who answered God's request to help His children - single moms.  Her inspirational, blue eyes echoed the same peace felt all over this home, except in her eyes this feeling was strongly coupled with determination.
As she spoke of her journey, my empathetic heart began to go down her road of suffering and understanding and yet all overshadowed by HOPE.  This hope has been the ingredient to all their programs.  The hope is as tangible as the "birthday room," a room designed for moms to come in and pick out toys for their children on their birthday and wrap them and leave with a birthday cake.  Hope...providing moms with the ability to make their child's birthday special.  Hope that these same children who receive birthday wishes will in return have a better life for their own children, a life where they can provide these special birthday moments.  Hope also in understanding that moms need hope not only for their children, but for themselves.
Bethel provides scholarships to driven moms looking for careers that require a degree.  Lynda quickly lights up as she speaks about their poster mom who has worked tirelessly to obtain her Masters degree.
Touring this incredible facility that even housed a free store to moms who have need of food, clothing, toys, diapers, etc. strengthened my core belief that we all have a light to shine and some have figured out the One who lights the flame and are allowing their light to shine so brightly that not even the jaded world of experience can blow it out.
Lynda, may your light shine so brightly no one can deny the illuminating beauty!

Add a Comment

Ever wonder what a kid is thinking?  Ask them.  They will usually tell you if you look like you are genuinely listening.
I have been giving my kiddo a camera since she was three years old.  I learn so much about her from her photography.  I learn about what she cares about, or who she cares about. 
The beauty of the pictures is that if you make time she will sit down and tell you a story that goes with each one. 
If you are a parent trying to connect with your child, don't give up....try a camera.

(According to Eden, a four year old at the time, this dear, sweet community of animals were having picture day.  They had just experienced a move and were thankful that no one was left in a box or behind.  They celebrated being a family and having each other.  She claims they vowed to never forget their experience of the biggest change of their lives.)

Add a Comment

The thunder is crashing and I am in a full sprint to my sister's room.  Not because she is the oldest, she is actually seven years younger, no I am in a panic that only the stubborn, strong sister of mine can cure.  As I slide under the covers I can feel her smooth legs up against mine and her arm come sliding over my back with a small tap.  She never really fully woke up on these nights, but her sleepy, apathetic presence reminded me that it was just thunder, not the end of the world.

I would like to say this illustration was a one time event in my childhood, but it wasn't.  Growing up in Oklahoma thunderstorms could be our state song.
As I hear the thunder now I am reminded of how grateful I am for those moments.  Moments of security.  Being a child of so many divorces, security has always been sacred.  Having a sister provided a lot of stability.

She was there.  Bad hair, awful outfits, tearful temper tantrums, you name it she saw it firsthand and loved me through it anyway.

Display Comments Add a Comment

I remember when I was a kid, my dad always resurfaced on the 4th of July.  He loved it. 
I think somewhere in his noggin he decided that the 4th was our holiday, so most of my memories of the 4th include him. 
What a wonderful gift to me.  His consistency of choosing a time that was "our" time was marked with a reoccurring visual every year.
My dad has been gone now for over four years, but still as I see the exploding fireworks the sights and sounds reaffirm the consistent message my dad sent me on the 4th and I hear, "no matter how crazy my life gets, I promise not to forget you especially on our 4th."
This month is Child-Centered Divorce Month.  If you are a parent struggling to find your place in your child's heart after a divorce, consider implementing an "our" time marked by an event that will be around a long time after you have passed on.
I can assure you that as a child I may not have revealed the importance of the 4th to my dad, but as an adult it brings me to tears and is a warm memory of love and affirmation.

Add a Comment

Sometimes I really ponder why I care so much about children of divorce. 
I have been married and enjoying a child that has two parents.  I've been blessed to have the "good life" I dreamed of having when I was a little girl going through some really crazy changes.
But all it takes is one character in a movie, one child's face of hurt to look into, one daycare pick up line with a child not sure about which parent will show up; all it takes is one, the child of divorce.
My empathy commands my obedience and that obedience is listening, feeling and believing that I can do something for the one.
If I am blessed to get to an older age, my prayer is to look back and know that I used every resource I had available to help my peers and that I never forget the one; the child of divorce.

Add a Comment

When I was asked to come read my picture book to kids at Skelly Elementary two years ago, I had no idea the inspiration that would follow.
I came in as a new author elated to share my experience as a child of divorce and promote becoming a journal writer.
I concluded this year as a nonprofit CEO, professional speaker, and curriculum writer who just completed a program, Change Agent, with a team of highly professional writers.
How did this happen over a two year period?
Well, it started with one of the most determined teachers I have ever met, Mrs. Mills.
She has been teaching for years, actually she has been teaching since I was a little girl, but she hasn't lost the love of teaching...seeing kids equipped for life.
Each time she asked me back to her classroom, she kept prodding me to tell the kids more about myself, tell them about my life, where I have been and where I am trying to go. She essentially pushed for an intimate relationship with her class.
At first, I was hesitant, being a child of divorce, I completely respect guarded. The fifth graders were guarded and so was I.
But as I let my guard down, so did they, until finally we sat comfortably having a conversation about how rough life can get...even at the ripe old age of ten.
As they started to pour out some really tough hardships like:  parents in jail, having to move almost every year and parents fighting to the point of calling the police...I started to ask questions.
Most important one, "What can I do to help?"
Unanimously, they all agreed, "you can get us tools to help us deal with change."
See, what they really feared was not that their lives were going to change a lot from crazy home lives. They already knew that. What they wanted was to be prepared for the next time.
I could relate, at their age I wasn't equipped either.
Ironically enough, I was married to a change specialist, he even wrote his dissertation promoting a new change model. So, I didn't have to go very far to seek a research path to acquire tools for change.
I also had amazing friends in positions to make a difference for children in the area and they had the desire to be part of a brand new nonprofit with a really innovative idea.
As the nonprofit began forming with more momentum, support began to build quickly. A licensed therapist, previous superintendent, professor, lawyer, doctor, are just a few of the titles that made up the growing board members. Even an Executive Director was on board that also had an incredible vision for the organization and technical writing skills.
The momentum began building...
The momentum is still building...
and all because a teacher dared to provoke an inspiration.
Thank you, Mrs. Mills. Blended Love will always support your students and equip them for change!

Add a Comment

5-to-8-yr old children of divorce often think families come with mommies, daddies, doggies, kids. They wonder, "Will daddy get a new mommy? A new doggy? A new little boy?" Are people replaceable? When one parent leaves, they fear the other could leave as well. They know that mom and dad don't control the world, but that leaves them particularly vulnerable. If mom and dad can't hold it together, they wonder, "Who will take care of me?"

The result: misplaced anger, preoccupation with homelife (which makes it difficult to concentrate at school), regression, and physical manifestations of anxiety, such as bed-wetting, thumb-sucking, and hair-pulling.

Parents can help: Let them know that you're in control, that things will get back to normal soon, and mommy & daddy will still be there for them (if that is true). Children need to know that the adults in their lives are competent, caring, and prepared to keep them on track.

Children this age particularly need to see evidence: They worry about the noncustodial parent. Show the child your new apartment or home, and show the child that you are reasonably comfortable. Teach them explicitly that families come in different shapes and sizes, because they are so young that they really don't know unless you tell them.

They also need your guidance and permission to focus on being a kid. Let your child know that his job is to study, socialize, and play...and that the adults will take care of things at home, so they don't have to worry about it. With your permission, your child will happily focus on being a kid.

Sources: (1) Helping Your Kids Cope with Divorce the Sandcastles Way by M. Gary Neuman and Patricia Romanowski; (2) What About the Kids?: Raising Your Children Before, During, and After Divorce by Judith S. Wallerstein; (3) Developmental Psychology (with InfoTrac) : Childhood and Adolescence, by David R. Shaffer.

Add a Comment

These are recorded responses from parents....not realizing they are putting kids in the middle of their bitterness.

"You want to go on vacation with your father, after all he's done to us? Fine. Leave me here alone."
"I know how boring it can be at your mother's. Now that you're here, let's have some fun."
"Ask your father when he's sending the check. Tell him he's not going to see you till he does."
"If you want me to come to your recital, better not invite your mother. If she goes, I don't."
"Your father let you see that movie? What's that man thinking?"
"Let's talk to your mom about your spending more time with me. That's what you want, too, isn't it?

These were taken from American Girl: a smart girl's guide to her parents' divorce

Add a Comment

Traditionally when we think of Valentine’s Day, we visualize love all around – especially in our schools. Can we ever forget all the boxes we decorated to hold our special treasures and kind words from our peers?

Several years after my parents divorced, a boy sweetly put chocolate hearts in my chair when I was in elementary school. Being oblivious to the gift, I sat down and broke every single one of them. I stood stunned. I stared at the perfect illustration of my sad heart, so frail and broken.

My parents divorced, my chocolate hearts broken.

I held back the tears that day not wanting my classmates to laugh at my over-reaction to such an insignificant event.

Quietly, broken piece by broken piece, I scooped them up in my hand and put them in my lunchbox hoping no one dare ask me what had happened to my hearts.

Mrs. Hayes, my fourth grade teacher, seemed to know that I needed a hug as she gave me a big squeeze as I trailed behind all of my friends out to the playground for recess. That small gesture was a bright spot in my broken-heart day.

Oklahoma divorce rates rank fourth-highest in the nation. As Tulsa County divorce rates are seen near the top of Oklahoma divorce rates, we know that broken hearts live among us. Classrooms are filled with teachers trying to manage and care for children who feel unorganized, unlovable and disillusioned.

Let’s remember to send special Valentine messages to our children’s teachers this year. Teachers are the heroes who bring love to children by taking a blended classroom and creating blended love.

Let’s also push for curriculum in our schools to help all of these broken hearts to mend. Teachers need support as they help patch together children who are hurting, angry and heart-broken. Organizing a child who lives in two places can be an incredible challenge, not to mention the attention to details that can be missed. Our teachers need tools to equip them to handle schedules, behaviors and risk-factors.

Teachers are the hug that starts the day and the consistency that keeps a child feeling secure through predictability. Lesson plans have merged with life lessons, and our teachers continue to step up to the challenge.

Thank you, Mrs. Hayes. Your dedication to making your students feel loved has left this adult child of divorce with a heart message that reads, “I am lovable and capable.”

Add a Comment

"My daddy went to Oakland," wailed six-year-old Roger. "Where is Oakland?" he asked me, not knowing it was close by. "Is Oakland in Mexico?" Since at age six or seven children have no concept of geography, space, and distance, their thinking is bounded by the neighborhood they know. But their sorrow has no bounds.

Excerpt from What About The Kids? by Judith Wallerstein.

Add a Comment

Poem written by a young girl of divorce and abuse.
Children of divorce are 50% more likely to be abused than children with two parent homes.

Underwater

darkness falls again tonight
the wakes come crashing down
does anyone know my world in this town

i long to see the sunlight
the calmness I pray to see
all I ever wanted was to believe

talking underwater
drowning to get it out
my whispers, my muted shouts

i rise above the white-caps
trying to get to the other side
i am talking underwater

holding on to the seas hard rock
beating me black and blue
does anyone know what i am going through

i wait and ride the storm
the stillness smooth as glass
damages, miles of floating trash

i'll let go, but never forget
the deep, cold water far below
my whispers, muted shouts

talking underwater

Display Comments Add a Comment

When I was asked to contribute to the The Child of Divorce blog, I began to worry. I began to worry about my parents, about sharing too much. I worried about how exposing my vulnerability will be seen, by some, as exposing weakness. The child of divorce I once was even worried that I would be seen as unfit, unworthy, to become Mrs. America, because of the conflict I witnessed and the pain I had been through as a teen. I realized that the children of divorce we strive to help can relate to that too. They worry about being labeled. Being lovable. Being normal. One ex-boyfriend's mom once said to me, "Sasha, you are just the picture of resiliency!" I realized that sharing, and soon following that sharing with real techniques on how to cope in a healthy way and feel better, was the best thing I could do for these kids.

I'll include my mom in the process too. I want to be certain to honor my parents, while being honest about what the divorce was like for me, and what it was like for my two younger sisters. I have no idea what it is like to be a divorcing parent. I can only speak about my experiences as a child of divorce. I called my sister Jade this morning and she had one experience that stood out to her. It was Easter Sunday. I'll share it with you too.

I hope my contribution will give others the courage to speak.

Display Comments Add a Comment

I have invited some of my adult friends that were once children of divorce to help me blog on this site.
My hope is that through our stories and experiences we will be able to speak up for those children who are living it now.
We can bring a sense of camaraderie with each other that only those of us who have experienced it can relate.
Thank you, friends, in advance, for sharing your stories with all of us!

Add a Comment

"Last time my parents fought, they were fighting about who would spend the weekend at home with me. Neither one of them wanted to! That's when I felt insecure," said Kelly, a fifteen-year-old boy from New York. During a fight between parents, kids occasionally feel insecure, almost always because they worry about what will happen to them (which they shouldn't worry about anyway). Cindy, a nine-year-old girl, said, "When they fight, I feel like they're forgetting all about me. What if they both just left?"

An excerpt from "The Kids' Book of Divorce, By, For & About Kids"

Add a Comment

"This was my dad's first year to make the dinner without mom. We had some leftover ham from my grandma's house and some potato chips. I got as many cokes as I wanted. I really wanted my mom and a good meal, but this is what divorce looks like I guess." Tamara, 15 years old

Add a Comment