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I had a fear attack yesterday.

It felt a little like eating a whole bag of microwave buttered popcorn in one sitting. When you are done eating, you look around you, butter on your hands, missed popcorn pieces on the floor, and you say, “What happened and what did I do?”

With the tiniest fear that came out, I grabbed for more fears throughout my memories. I reached more for the negativity. Called it. Pulled it in. Like that bag of popcorn, I went out of my way to attract more fears until I ate the whole bag.

This is similar to feeling discouraged, so you grab the phone and call the one relative who will discourage you more.

You can really mess with your head at this time and confuse your psychic ability with truth.

I’ve done this with the health of my dogs. Sarah limps a little and there you have it, it’s cancer. Then I think about when Emily died and her symptoms. By the time I’m done with this rollercoaster ride I even must have cancer.

Maybe it’s inherited from my jewish grandmother who believed that if you feared it, you could prepare for it. Rather than be prepared, I think she lived in the fear state most her life.

I need to see what the original trigger was. I had some success which scared me. With that success, I grabbed for the past, a past I knew that was already done and couldn’t hurt me, so I thought. It was better than the unknown. I could nest in my fears, safe to not move forward. But that’s as crazy as my Nanny’s distorted belief.

What fear are you grabbing onto? What feelings are you avoiding? Where’s the truth in the fear?

How much of our lives are spent trying to fit into others’ concepts of who we are or should be, when we are a different animal altogether.

What if there is a map inside of us of where to go?

I’m re-reading Martha Beck’s FINDING YOUR OWN NORTH STAR. She talks of the signs you experience when you are moving away from your essential self and more towards your social self. I’ve experienced this phenomenon recently when I tell myself I have to do something. Nothing seems to work out on that path.

In the next chapter she talks of signs where we are heading toward our own north star and the clues to find which way that is.

If I list the times in the last few months when I felt that passionate rush build inside me these are the inner directions or map:

• I loved the recent ghost tour I took with the Wild Boomer Women meetup group. I wasn’t as interested in the history speeches as I don’t think I learn that way–audibly. I’m visual and hand-on. During long speeches, I actually exhibit very ADD-like symptoms, with some part of my body moving in some way. It’s been a long time since I felt that much excitement and energy moving through my body as we walked the streets of Jerome and the old high school. I was living one of my passions, registering energy, picking up the stories.
• I love Project Runway and I am not ashamed to say so. Seeing the textures, the colors, the designing process, all fill my head with such joy. (Ignoring the obvious nasty cattiness.) Not since the Ghost hunter’s series have I been so completely addicted to television.
• Spending time with my animals. Last night I fell asleep to Sarah putting her sweet beagle head on my stomach and Emma Lou snuggled close next to me on the other side of me. It was a bit on the warm side, but I felt so completely loved, important, and wanted. Pure bliss. I used to love doing professional animal communication when the animal was in front of me and we could literally roll around the floor as we “talked.” No wonder why I burn-out when I switched to all phone readings.
• Writing my blog. What better way to teach what I have learned than to tell my stories.
• I finally got to sit in my yard yesterday. It’s been terribly hot or terribly rainy lately. My squash plant is huge and overflowing. There’s new flowers coming up everywhere. When I am in Nature, I feel myself again. I am also in awe. There is so much to see. So much to explore.

What do all these have in common? For my essential self, being hands-on–seeing, feeling, being with–is my bliss. Anything more removed will only make me unhappy.

Where have you seen even the small glimpses of your inner passion, and therefore, your essential self peeking through? What is the common thread between the clue? There’s your map.

Moving forward is scary. Bursting through that comfort zone isn’t always what we want to do. This weekend I had a down day. My energy was knee deep in the past and I was feeling downright awful.

Once again, Sarah, my beagle mix, was my teacher. Last night for the first time in a long time, she was pacing the hallways and not listening to me and reverting to old behaviors. This is how she was when we lived at the other house and when life was filled with chaos. What a great picture she gave me to see my own energy reflected back. I even had the nerve to get mad at Sarah and yelled at her!

The problem was not that I wasn’t moving forward, but I finally was. I had moved past boulders of childhood and current stuff and was coming to the end of understanding so much. I even had realized what this new Ronni wanted in her life. That’s when fear stepped in. With fear, I tend to grab on mentally and rework and analyze things to pieces, whatever I can grab onto. This usually involves pouring over notebooks and writing. I do believe that is what I did the other day.

I think this is a normal part of the process for most of us. We grab onto “backwards” when we find ourselves moving forwards quickly into an unknown. It must be a human thing.

So I ask myself what I am truly needing instead of chastising myself. A new concept! I need to grieve, yes. That’s part of the process. Looking at the past, I can still hold on to what worked or what was dear, but then I get very lost in the pain and what didn’t. I think I need to find a way to soften the moving forward so I feel safe. In meditation I saw myself like Alice in Wonderland after she takes the “eat me” or was it, “drink me.” She grows so big she is cramped into a tiny hallway  and finally her limbs burst through the windows of the house. Being that big can be a bit scary. Change is scary. Losing what was support and foundation is scary. Can in this moment I make a safe nest among the change?

I immediately think of  Speedy, my tortoise. When I let him out in the morning, I watch as he zooms around the house confidently exploring all that he can. He’s so brave as he conquers obstacles in the way like dog tails and shoes. But when he feels scared or threatened, he pops his head in or finds a corner to hide for a little while. In his tank, he heads for his little turtle tunnel to hide under. I need to create a safe corner or tunnel for in between my explorations into this new world. Maybe that is what all the ruminating about the past is about–popping my head into the past because it’s comfortable and known. It’s an unsuccessful attempt to have a stop in my movement.

Today I will explore a healthier safe corner to pop my head into instead.

Today I am just grateful…

…for all the loving support

…for prayers answered

…for my dogs I cuddle at night

…for dear friends

…for feeling safe

…for my fairy castle and yard

…for guidance

…fror the ability to help others and the gifts to help others

…and for the neighborhood rooster and crows who wake me up in the morning, because I’d probably sleep until 10.